I don't know if I am posting in the right place...

[missmikig]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and haven't posted yet, apologies if this comes across a little blabbery.

I have had anxiety and related panic attacks since I can remember, and also to add to this I have had to deal with a relatively large amount of heartache in my life relating to alcoholism and cancer in the family and abusive relationships...all of which would kick me to the curb anxiety wise and make me extremely poorly.

5 years ago I met someone who dragged me out of my slump and although we had our problems (we were somehow unable to conceive) we were happy and he proposed to me in December 2013. In January 2014 we started the process of IVF treatments and in December 2014 we had completed 2 failed cycles and were told to come to terms with the possibility of not having biological children.

Jan-Feb 2015 we sat down and wrote down a 5 year action plan which involved getting married, buying a house, and eventually adoption within that time. He was excitable and always giving suggestions even that I may be able to leave work and take on a fostering to adopt position to heighten our chances of being given a baby.

2 weeks ago we were at a hotel booking our wedding date and he was suggesting 1st dances and raising his concerns about gravy on his pie and parking spaces. Less than 12 hours after this he dropped a bombshell on me that he didn't love me any more and was leaving. My world fell apart and the ever to classic symptoms of the anxiety that makes me overwhelmingly ill came back...palpitations, dizziness, no appetite, sick to the stomach. He states he hasnt loved me since January.

The day after this bombshell I calmly decided to take my life. It wasn't the fact I was loosing him as much as this hurts like hell. It was the thought that my anxiety and panic was taking over my body again and historically my attacks last months and months. So that day I decided to hang myself. I waited until I knew our house would be empty for an hour or more and did it...as you can guess it didnt work. I did pass out whilst hung but woke up some time later on the floor, battered and bruised with the scarf around my neck (it had snapped whilst unconscious). I was devestated. This was not a cry for help I genuinely wanted the feelings to stop.

I now have daily visits from the local community team checking up on me and they have reffered me for some IAPT councelling but every single morning I am struggling so badly from panic attacks as soon as I wake. I am taking all sorts of herbal supplements like Nytol to sleep but as soon as I wake c. 3-4am I am instantly panicky, sick, fast heart beat and worrying feelings creeping up on me.

I am now facing the fact that I have lost my partner, his family (who supported me through a lot), my home (I cannot stay where I am due to memories), my cats (I cannot find a rental that will let me take them) and the future we had planned. I have since found out that he has been texting a woman from his work for the past 6 weeks also.

He states I have never done anything wrong, he simply doesnt love me any more, he will not acknowledge my existence or respond to any messages. He doesnt show any feelings, nor remorse and it feels like the last 5 years meant nothing to him.

Over and above all this I just want to feel well again, the feelings of panic are making me want to do stupid things to end it and I just feel it would be easier. Breathing exercises make me feel worse, distraction doesn't seem to work. Bachs remedies don't seem to take any effect. I haven't eaten in cominng up 14 days because I cannot stomach anything nor keep it down. I have lost over a stone and counting.

Please can anyone help with anything? I am desperate

[Gary A]

You have my deepest sympathies, that sounds like an awful lot to endure in a short period of time. I'd strongly advise you to keep at it with your councillor and ensure you report all of these horrible thoughts to them. You must also report your lack of food intake and subsequent weight loss to a medical professional, as this can create further health issues. As for the panic attacks, they're awful, but they are physically harmless, although it won't feel it at the time.

A little tip to try the next time you awaken with these thoughts of panic. Guage your fear level on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being completely relaxed, 10 being a full blown panic attack. If you awaken at a 9, for instance, try the 444 breathing technique. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold that breath for 4 seconds, then breathe out slowly for 4 seconds. Do this for 2 to 3 minutes, then guage your fear again. If it's still at a 9, keep at it, do this until you feel your fear level falling. Even if you think it's dropped to a 7 or an 8, this will reinforce the idea in your mind that even though you're still panicky, you have the ability within you to control it. This breeds confidence. Distraction works for some, for others it makes it worse.

If you can do this for a week or so you may find you can drop your fear and panic levels right down to a 4 or 5, again, this reinforces the idea that you are in control of your panic rather than it being in control of you.

Please ensure you're telling all of this to the correct people. People here can offer some tips and a little support and advice, but there really is only so much can be done on the other side of an Internet connection.

I wish you well and sincerely hope you can overcome this horrible situation.