The "firstism" grief process

[russ]

Has anyone lost someone they were close to and found they have experienced themselves saying "this is the first time of x since y has passed away" for months and months?

I call it the 'firstism syndrome' and seem unable to stop doing it, even though it drags up the same painful memories.

Stupid example, a new series of 'just for laughs' is on BBC tonight, Dad use to always love watching that, I thought this is the first time since he passed away that it is on....and away we go!

When will this hell end?

[Lynnann]

Hi russ,

What you are going through is a completely normal part of the grieving process. You love someone and when they are gone you miss them. There will always be things that remind you of them.

Wih time these reminders will not be so painful, try to conentrate on good times spent with your father, rather than the pain of missing him.

Difficult I know especially in the beginning when the pain is still very raw!

The pain will slowly subside and only at times rear its ugly head.

I have found that the first year is always the worst probably due to "firstism"!

You are not alone

Hugs to you

Lynnann

[Coni]

Hi Russ,

Lynnann is right. This is so normal and the first year is most definitely the worst, with all the firsts. It is really painful,like an open wound but gradually it will start to heal and you will still have your memories without so much pain.

This is all part of the grieving process and its still very early for you....try and accept your feelings and slowly, in your own time the pain should ease.

Thinking of you

Coni X

[thriver]

It gets better and more manageable over time. There WILL be a time when you do something that you used to do with your dad and instead of raw grief, you feel okay. Once past the raw grief, you can access the happy memories and eventually introduce others like your own children to the things your dad and you shared.

Also remember that many anxiety sufferers grieve over the loss of the carefree life they had before developing anxiety. They too divide life into "before" and "after."

[happyone]

I can really only echo what the others have said. Noticing all the 'firsts' is narural and part of the process, painful as it is. In time these events you will be able to do or let something go by with a smile and a fond memory, instead of pain that really hurts.
It will pass and your thought patterns will change. There may be many more firsts to come, but trust me, it won't always feel like such an open wound.
Take care of yourself
Happyone
x

"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!

[domino]

Hi russ, i,m doing what you have posted already, but i call it remmenicing, my mum in law passed away on thursday evening, yet i am chating to family members about what kate did liked that kind of stuff, i miss her sooo much already, and keeping the tears back is very hard. time is a great healer, chin up, thinking of you . lorraine.xx

[sarah1984]

Hi Russ,

Sorry to hear about your loss-I agree, it's a totally natural part of the grieving process. I've felt very much the same-last week Elephant Diaries was on TV, which was first broadcast in 2005, and it really made me think of my gran who passed away in November because she loved watching it when it was first on. I've experienced "firstism" a lot-even when the person is still alive!!! eg, there's certain restaurants in town in which I still won't set foot over the door because I used to go there with my now ex-bf and if I did, I would be thinking this is the first time since Jon and I split up that I'm going to Caffe Uno etc.

Take Care,
Sarah