Today of all days!

[Ollie28]

Lovely morning, my children are looking forwards to going the fair despite how Ive been feeling I'm determined to take them with my wife yet I've woke up today feeling so so bad!

I don't suffer panic attacks or pounding heart, butterfly's all the stuff I've read with anxiety my symptoms are all cognitive - I've woke up feeling like I've got a chunk of my brain missing my heads completely full of sludge and heavy I cant think or focus I feel slow and sluggish.

Why of all days!

The very sludged up heavy head, slow cognition, and severe head and ear pressure.

My heads burning too, it's all the back. Why of all days do I feel worse than usual!

[NoPoet]

It always had to be today - because today is the day you're going somewhere.

It doesn't matter how crap you feel, you're doing this for your family, so go forward boldly. I'm willing to bet you feel loads better afterwards, then you can have a nice, relaxing Saturday evening, knowing everything you needed to do today has been done.

[Davit]

Sounds like a pinched nerve from tension. I get that. What is the worst that can happen. I presume your wife can drive? Next time it will be easier.

[Ollie28]

It's not like that, I'm not scared or anxious or worried to go anywhere or do things I want to I want to more than anything but my brain won't let me I don't get get the idea to do things and it feels like my thoughts and actions arnt connected! I constantly feel severely mentally fatigued to the point it physically hurts to think or listen or just work stuff out.

Well it ended up a worst day than I thought it would be anyways - we went the fair but before we went I was already in pain struggling to get dressed, get things together I was a cognitve mess - went the fair I was trying to concentrate work atuff out watch my children I was in agony complete mental agony I started to feel sick I was mentally fatigued I was in intense pain pressure and crushing and vomiting - I done my best to act normal until we got back to the car - I got my wife to take me to the walk in centre I was in agony complete agony like someone had stuck a knife down through my head in to my kneck and I couldn't talk felt confused as usual - my blood pressure was high I seen a nurse she advised going to A&E so we did, I had bloods taken, seen 2 doctors I was in so much pain in my head and neck everytime I tried to think my head pressurised and I had to stop. I was put on a drip given fluids and Paracetamol through it - nothing, I was still in agony confused, severe pressure and crushing pain, pain in the core of my brain like a expanding feeling everytime I try to think outwards - they refused a CT scan refused a MRI basically give me some strong pain killers and have sent me home. I'm still in pain still got savere head pain and feel sick,
I've had enough now - I'm in constant head crushing pain so bad my ears crunch when I move my jaw open, I can barley think at all it hurts to do so. I feel sick and weak. I'm getting crunching In my neck really bad.

I can't just sleep for ever even when I do sleep I'm awake my mind won't relax enough to switch off so it feels wide awake all night it's so bad I wake up though the night in pain because of fatigue from thinkng why I'm asleep. It's messed up!!
I'm so tired and in so much pain and fatigue I just feel like I'm dying every second is a tiring mental mess that I can't escape.

Any advice for me oneone?......

---------- Post added at 20:57 ---------- Previous post was at 20:51 ----------

It's so bad I wake most night because my mind won't switch off it's completley fatigued so I'm dreaming but in my dreams it's as if I'm drunk and can't stand up or walk and I've suddenly woke up in this state!! I can't stand, walk, communicate to my wife, my mouth is numb, my heads in pain, I feel dead as dead as can be but not actually gone. It's horrible.

I can't live like this no more and no ones helping me enough to see a way out from it

[pulisa]

Why did the doctors refuse to give you a CT or MRI scan?

[Ollie28]

Hi pulisa,

The said a there wasn't enough time or it would take to much time to give me a MRI, I couldn't really work it out and something to do with radiation with a CT scan - now as I'm writing this it's complete crap! But at the time I was so bad It didn't even click to argue back,
I did at one point - one of the DRS said "It don't think its savere enough to send me for a scan" I was lying on a bed groaning in agony feeling like I had complete no thinkng power I was a mess I can remember saying to him "what!! Not savere enough?! What do you want me to do fall on the floor and die before you do anything!!!? He just said we need to treat the pain first I told him it's not a head ach type of pain, the drip and paracetamol done nothing at all, the other superstrong stuff they give me done nothing so I left the same if not worse when I went in,

.....now today I've been great! 90% all day! I've even built a 10ft trampoline with enclosure - I had a it of pain doing it, I bit of trouble clarity wise but nothihg like I have been experiencing, I've had no confusion no memory problems, I've been feeling great, best I've felt in 16 months, it's messed up!
I'm praying to go something in my body has changed because ive not done anything different other than just wake up as normal and try to go through the day only today I havnt had to try I've just naturally been able to do it.

The hospital was wiston hospital - that's the 2nd time I've been there really really ill and just sent home. I'm a 20st boxer use to psin, I'm a gas engineer so not a idiot , I'm only 31 with alias of friends and a big family so I'm not someone to just waste time, i have better things to do with my life ( if I could) if I didn't feel I needded help or I thought I'm struggling I wouldn't waste anyone's time I really needed help yesterday and the best they could offer was paracetamol & water - I could barley walk proper! it shows how bad I was to just leave without some sort of scan or X-ray, if I was my normal self I would of demanded a second opinion just to make sure.
Anyways been ok today even as I write this NO pain, NO confusion, NO cognition problems it feels amazing!! so fingers crossed.

[Sunflower2]

Ollie, I just noticed you said you were previously a boxer... Could this possibly have anything to do with all the head symptoms?

[Davit]

I think if you get good days and bad days you might want to see if the good days happen after rest. As for not being able to shut your mind off, periods of confusion all point to low seratonin, a neurotransmitter that controls how much information does or does not get to your brain. CT or MRI won't show this. There is no test for Seratonin since it can not cross the blood brain barrier, levels could be higher in your body but not your brain. Seratonin is necessary for every body and brain function. SSRIs only stop the loss not build Seratonin.
So even if you are on one it won't help much other than sedate you enough that your body can build more.

[Ollie28]

To me it feels blood related in the brain. Like there is some sort of blockage, something like that. The pain also feels like that like the bloods pushing or the part of my brain is pushing to open but won't I can feel it it hurts it feels like a balloon trying to expand inside a space but can't & Anxiousness dosnt help.

my theory is - when anxious the heart rate picks up and pumps the blood quicker to the brain that's why I get bad pains in my head and clarity problems really bad when I'm trying to do anything ild usual feel a little anxious about even tiny tiny things like nip in to asda... Like I've just had to do as my wife made me she wouldn't get out the car (made me in a nice way) as soon as I walked in to asda the anxiousness of finding what I needed to find triggerd my body then the longer I try the worst it becomes to the point I'm just about functioning this is within 15 minutes then I'm left to mentally and physically struggle in a very very bad way litrally nothing at all power wise so bad I start to feel like I'm going to fall on the floor my heads in excruciating pain I feel sick and totally mentally weak/fatigued.

I try to just let it be - let it happen try to feel it and explore it not be scared of it it makes no difference, in the end it's so so bad I'm having seizure like symptoms. I slur my speech my clarity is pretty much nothing thinking wise or awarbess other than I know I'm alive and what I'm doing that second that's about it, I'm
Weak, pale, can barley have enough power to walk because that's another thing my Energey goes just drops off me within seconds. I'm
Like a zombie.

There has to be something coursing this.... The last two days other than before I have felt pretty ok, with minimum symptoms and I've had mental and physical strength. I did have a episode before and these are horrible again I don't know what these are or if there sudden changes in the brain of blood or chemicals but there not in my control or my doings - il suddenly get intense fear come over me and intense feelings of dispair and that I can't cope more which leads me to freak out and think I can't live feeling like this I end up in a deep dark place with seconds and the only at out is if I cry or wait for them to just past but there horrific and so so real I can physically feel my brain switch in to it.

My perception suddenly changed from normal free flowing me that night and I now feel completley Mentally & physically trapped in a box and I can't get out or connect to people or things or even my own thoughts and awarness.
Mentally feels like my Minds going inwards with no natural outward connecton feelings or thoughts, so I have to tell myself to think outwards and I physically can't it hurts but I can feel my brain pushing open trying to.
When I do think it feels like my thoughts and awarness are not connected to each other. Why stuck in this state 24/7 I have savere head pain, body pain, complete mental fatigue to the point I'm confused, sluring my speech, I can barley function at all, struggle breathing and body fatigue. It physically hurts to do anything as small as writing a text. It hurts to think of plans and because my awarness and memory don't feel connected it's almost impossible to act on these ideas I. I'm stuck like this 24/7 because of it I don't eat, drink, do normal everday things. I've no life even if I do do something no matter what it is t feels like I can not take it in or be aware of it or feel emotionally satisfied it's just happened be it a walk, day out, phone call, message, talking to someone, everything!
I feel unintelligent, it's impossible to make decisions and basic rationalise.

Every now and then it will lift so I can't think and feel clearer and stronger feel more mentally and physically strong and normal, it didn't last long. I've had episodes of sudden "click" out of it 100% without warning or signal! Then my body goes back in to the state above.

I've been stuck like this with no life, feeling no life or satisfication at all not one little bit with anything at all for 16 months almost 24/7 and to me it feels flow of blood related to my brain the heart. The pains are nothing I've ever felt in my life before all this.

This is 100% disabling in every way possible mentally and physically to the point I can't even work out I'm ill some days or what I need to do about it I don't even have the mind power to act if I do it dosnt register in my own mind to then carry out that thought.

I can't figure out good idea bad idea I'm 24/7 making things up as I go along because I have no mental power

I feel stuck like this like I'm trapped and suffocating I'm considering suicide as the only way out!

I miss my wife and my kids! I miss my hobbies, I miss my self, I miss going to work I miss the smallest things in life you take for granted everyday, things like emotions to smells, thoughts to do something then feel the awarness and emotion, basic stuff like talking to my children and laughing and feeling the emotion and awareness, the feeling of driving around in my work van in summer having a laugh with my friends then there's that great amaIng feeling of driving home in the sun after a hard days work knowing your going home to your wife and kids and a cold beer, this really isn't fair no more I don't deserve this in any shape or form I've never hurt anyone I've just worked all my life and done my best to provide for my wife and children - I've not even had a lads holiday for gods sake!!! 8-) it's hell I feel il never escape from it.
I miss myself......

---------- Post added at 17:04 ---------- Previous post was at 17:03 ----------

Sorry Kimberley - I doubt it's anything to do with boxing I was never a pro just a hobbie for fitness I've never taken any big shots to the head.

[Davit]

If it is neurotransmitters not working properly because you are low on them that can be fixed. Tests that can be done include calcium,magnesium,and potassium and vitamin B12. All very necessary. A short course of the safer benzo, Valium. It is the easiest one to get off and will take the load off the neurotransmitters. Tryptophan so your body at least functions properly. And most important make sure you take a carbohydrate with it and any tryptophan containing food other than milk so that some of it will get to your brain. Vitamin D3 if you work or spend long times in doors. Do the CBT coping skill "want to verses have to" And rest. Above all else don't think suicide, this can be fixed but first you need to know why it is broke. I don't think it is consistent enough to be physical. All the physical symptoms appear to be a product of the mental. Accept it is a problem and you are going to fix it. Be assertive with yourself.

[Sunflower2]

Ollie, despite all the mental and physical suffering you're going through you're still holding down a job and functioning semi normally, that in itself seems quite amazing. Perhaps you need to take some time off to really recover? You sound like you're really suffering and miserable and don't deserve to go through life like this, so don't give up in getting help and finding a solution. It will be out there somewhere!

[Ollie28]

I've had to leave me job kimberkey it's that bad. I'm just about functioning mentally, that's the thing - I can only work with what power and processing and cognitive ability I'm given at the time I'm not anxious or cared to do things I don't because I cant, I've no mind power to think a lot of the time I can't even gather up enough power to think to think s d then to be aware of it without becoming in pain and feeling confused and totally not with it.
I'm functioning because I have to I'm to proud and strong minded to sit around I can't let my family down even if it means just helping my wife around the house that's how bad it's got - from doing a technical job to struggling to think to think to work out what needs doing around the house and even then I'm confused and struggling - be nice to just be aware of what it is I'm doing and at least enjoy it somehow. Ild happily wash all the dishes every night in return for my old self back ha,


A bit more about this neurotransmitter - So basically if you was me now how would you go about trying this? Sorry I struggle to work things out it's embarrassing.
Would you suggest trying some diazepam for a short while?
You know you might be on to something there you know if I'm working this out right.... I took a week supply of diazepam 15 months ago or so and I was ok why taking them when the supply ran out it was only a couple of days and I was in bad bad head pain so bad it felt like my brain was being frazzles and I was screaming it felt like someone was taking my sanity out of my mind no joke! I was on my hands and knees screaming litrally it was that bad. Could this be a result of the diazepam wearing off and the neurotransmitter stopping working? Just a thought.
What do I do next I need my life back or something atleast