What do you do when you have exhausted all options and feel you have nothing left?

[Gotagetthroughthis]

I have been suffering with this anxiety disorder for about 3 and a half years now, in that time it has taken me from a physically strong healthy, confident, laid back 22/23 year old to the shell of a man that I am today at 26.

I rarely if ever post here about myself anymore as it seems pointless as I really don't feel anyone can give me any answers or new ideas anymore and before it would also be for reassurance but I don't even bother with that anymore either as it doesn't help or achieve anything and theres nothing I can be reassured about. Plus 3 years or reading seems to have convinced me I know pretty much everything about anxiety and depression but I still cant manage to get myself out of it. But I thought I might as well make this post as I haven't really got anywhere else to turn.

I find it hard to even explain my situation now as my brain is so fried from all of this that it doesn't work very well any more. But this all started with health anxiety, mainly to do with my heart and then to do with my head. It has moved on greatly from that now, while I still do have a lingering concern about my health its not the thing that keeps me anxious all the time, it just is an extra thing there in the background. I guess my other issues are general anxiety and depression if you can call it that but basically my every day is spent exhausted, with no motivation, no goals, no energy to do anything. I have a constant odd pressure feeling in my head along with random pains in the head, also just a general feeling that my brain doesn't work very well anymore. My short term memory is non existent. I just generally feel unwell and odd 90 percent of the time. I analyse everything about how I think, how I think about thinking, how im thinking about thinking im thinking....its mad. I analyse every body movement and word I say, the more I do this the more weird it gets and I end up getting confused about even simple things. I analyse everything but at the same time im constantly in a trance daydream and have no concept of time, I guess this is my brain trying to protect itself. This is probably down to anxiety yes. Those are just some of the symptoms.

Why I have anxiety? I would guess because of some traumas earlier in life, nothing huge but a number of events that have caused me some phycological damage. Also binging on drugs and drink with mates every weekend for a good few years didn't help. Also I have trouble showing any emotion and always have done, its just not normal to me and I block it out. The only emotions I really feel or show are anger and anxiety. I guess im also scared to start a new life, go out in the big world again and start a new life which also keeps me trapped. I have become insecure about everything about myself in terms of intelligence, looks, personalty etc etc, even though most people would say I have no reason to feel like that.

This isn't just me laying down feeling sorry for myself and not trying anything though.....I went back to work after a year and a half out with this breakdown/anxiety, started a new job, stayed there for a year until the contract ended. Did it help? Not really. It got me used to being out in the world again but thats about it. I still had every symptom and every other aspect of anxiety I have aways had. I still felt like utter death every day so do I want to push myself to do that again just for the sake of it, not really.

I have had CBT, seen 3 counsellors, currently in psychotherapy. Various anti depressants. Every natural supplement in the book. I have tried acupuncture, tried fasting . Meditation, Yoga. I still force myself to the gym a few times a week. Some of these things help slightly to get you through each week but nothing has changed anything, nothing has got to the route issue and improved my situation. I know I need to go out there and change my life myself, I just dont know how and don't feel I have the strength to do it anymore.

So yea im making this post as im home alone, "I live with my mum" I feel so drained, weak, like I have nothing much left. Even just from looking at my face it is gaunt, the last 3 years looks like 20 on me. I hate myself in every way and I don't know what to do anymore. I am lost, where do I go from here?

Thank you for reading this long post if you got this far.

[Sunflower2]

I can really sympathise with you, and probably a lot on here can too! I was trying to think about what you can do, because you've tried everything to beat this anxiety. But that's the thing, your focus is constantly on feeling better. What are your values in life? What makes you happy? What are your passions? What do you want out of life? You sound like you are lacking meaning in your life, and if you found something you really enjoyed and loved, the anxiety would maybe subside more? Just a thought.. That's what I'm trying to do because I am absolutely fed up with anxiety too. You've maybe heard this before, as this is coming from own therapy.. But it's making a big difference to me, as I focus on the bigger picture rather than feeling like poop. At least Im now feeling like poop but with a vision for the future ha!

[Gotagetthroughthis]

I can really sympathise with you, and probably a lot on here can too! I was trying to think about what you can do, because you've tried everything to beat this anxiety. But that's the thing, your focus is constantly on feeling better. What are your values in life? What makes you happy? What are your passions? What do you want out of life? You sound like you are lacking meaning in your life, and if you found something you really enjoyed and loved, the anxiety would maybe subside more? Just a thought.. That's what I'm trying to do because I am absolutely fed up with anxiety too. You've maybe heard this before, as this is coming from own therapy.. But it's making a big difference to me, as I focus on the bigger picture rather than feeling like poop. At least Im now feeling like poop but with a vision for the future ha!

Thanks, Kimberly. Yes you are right in a way; If I had something I enjoyed and could focus on it would probably help. But at the same time I still think I would feel like crap. I do enjoy football and gambling, neither of which are going to help my life as they wouldn't be goals I can focus on. Apart from that I have no values, no passions, nothing I enjoy and no idea what I want out of life. I don't know where to start. If it was going back to collage or something then 1 there's nothing that interests me, 2 I don't feel I could do it and 3 it would just feel like work for nothing when its not something I want to do.

[Sunflower2]

What if you took it back even further to values such as relationships, feeling healthy, feeling like you're achieving? Doesn't have to be anything fancy, but the basics of life and what that is for you. It's really easy to say you've got nothing, but that's almost never the case!

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Feeling healthy, that's what I spend a lot of time doing to try and get me through another day. Im in the gym 4 times a week, I eat well, although its hard to recover with so much cortisol from stress and poor sleep. I do various other natural health rituals. So yes I have that but that doesn't get me anywhere either or achieve anything.

Relationships, erm I have drifted away from most of my friends, I can still speak to them and do stuff with them if I really wanted but, 1 most of what they will be doing is going out drinking or taking drugs which I cant do, 2 I don't have a lot in common with them anymore, 3 I have no money, 4 they don't understand my situation. Other relationships, like a girlfriend, im not exactly in a good place to be doing that, 1 I have no money to go anywhere with her, 2 she wouldn't understand my situation, 3 im to controlling, 4, I dont like people being in my space anymore. I have my brother and my mum who I have ok relationships with, my Dad who is there but I dont speak to a lot, thats about it.

You will see another problem I have is I have an answer for everything.

[Davit]

I see one very big overriding negative in your post. The feeling that you have to do everything you have done to try to get better. I can see some potential negative core beliefs too. I can see where the anger comes from and I could guess the lack of emotions is another core belief. God I sound like a psychic LOL. I'm not, I've just been through a lot of what you have. Some of it is like looking in a mirror. I'm not a therapist, I just know a lot, most of it from finding answers for my own personal demons. If it is core beliefs you need to find the root. You must have some pretty good coping skills to have gone back to work for a year. So I'm wondering if it is motivation and why there is none. Probably another core belief. There isn't enough information here to have much more of an opinion than this. I can see how it would make you feel having been there. You are not alone.

I'm wondering too if the first changes might have been as far back as 18,19. There is only one physical change that happens in the brain and it happens at that age. Interestingly the average age for anxiety, hidden or open is 23.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Yep your probably right Davit and I have no idea how to change them.

Yes well all through my teens to early 20s I was binging on drink and drugs and in trouble all the time fighting etc. I didn't work, I just gambled, and partied and went to the gym now and then. My brain probably took some damage and didn't develop correctly over that change you talk about. So basically im fked lol.

[Dazza123]

I have been like you for about 10 years. I used to be a great guy, lots of fun, great personality, friends, loved doing things, had passions, loved to be out and about, and then one day it all stopped. I am 39 now so have lost my 30's, a time of fun and holidays, happiness, all gone. I feel more like 79 than 39.

I have tried lots of medications, none of which I felt agreed with me or helped so stopped them. I honestly don't think I will ever get better, I really don't.

Some days are better than others, do I have good days, not really, I just have not so bad days.

I am currently on my fourth attempt at a med called pregabablin (anxiety med). Still getting lots of anxiety from it, still feel like I can't really be bothered doing anything. I do believe (sadly) that medication for me is the answer, I just need to try and stick with it. I think if I can take this Pregabalin long term, and add an antidepressant with it at some point, like Sertraline, I might actually get somewhere, but I do truly believe I will never get better or have a normal life again.

I do have a partner of 13 years, luckily (ahem) and my situation, although sympathised with, and taken into account, its generally perceived as part of normal life now so on the whole ignored, but not ignored in a bad way as they are very caring towards my issues, and help where possible, but its just become *normal*.

I am also very controlling, but I think that's an anxiety thing, if in control then you know nothing unexpected is going to happen. I'm not controlling as such of my partner, but I am controlling when it comes to our life, but again, its probably 'our' way of coping with life and situations. I do not believe I am controlling in a bad way, but I am controlling all the same. I would never let it hurt us or our relationship though so I am careful and take everything into consideration.

I feel for you a lot, you are young, and this is eating up some of the best times of your life. I really hope there is a way out for you. Don't lose your 20's, these are good times. I know you have tried so much to help you, but there must be something out there for you that will turn your life around. Maybe a permanent job, then a girlfriend is something that will do it, you know like security and a future with someone, maybe that could be the point where life changes. If not then something, anything else, just to give your brain that little kick up the backside it needs.

Don't feel you are alone, as has already been said, a lot of us are where you are and after many years still can't see a way forward. Just don't give up trying :)

[Gotagetthroughthis]

I have been like you for about 10 years. I used to be a great guy, lots of fun, great personality, friends, loved doing things, had passions, loved to be out and about, and then one day it all stopped. I am 39 now so have lost my 30's, a time of fun and holidays, happiness, all gone. I feel more like 79 than 39.

I have tried lots of medications, none of which I felt agreed with me or helped so stopped them. I honestly don't think I will ever get better, I really don't.

Some days are better than others, do I have good days, not really, I just have not so bad days.

I am currently on my fourth attempt at a med called pregabablin (anxiety med). Still getting lots of anxiety from it, still feel like I can't really be bothered doing anything. I do believe (sadly) that medication for me is the answer, I just need to try and stick with it. I think if I can take this Pregabalin long term, and add an antidepressant with it at some point, like Sertraline, I might actually get somewhere, but I do truly believe I will never get better or have a normal life again.

I do have a partner of 13 years, luckily (ahem) and my situation, although sympathised with, and taken into account, its generally perceived as part of normal life now so on the whole ignored, but not ignored in a bad way as they are very caring towards my issues, and help where possible, but its just become *normal*.

I am also very controlling, but I think that's an anxiety thing, if in control then you know nothing unexpected is going to happen. I'm not controlling as such of my partner, but I am controlling when it comes to our life, but again, its probably 'our' way of coping with life and situations. I do not believe I am controlling in a bad way, but I am controlling all the same. I would never let it hurt us or our relationship though so I am careful and take everything into consideration.

I feel for you a lot, you are young, and this is eating up some of the best times of your life. I really hope there is a way out for you. Don't lose your 20's, these are good times. I know you have tried so much to help you, but there must be something out there for you that will turn your life around. Maybe a permanent job, then a girlfriend is something that will do it, you know like security and a future with someone, maybe that could be the point where life changes. If not then something, anything else, just to give your brain that little kick up the backside it needs.

Don't feel you are alone, as has already been said, a lot of us are where you are and after many years still can't see a way forward. Just don't give up trying :)

Thanks for your response. I couldn't really give a fk if there are lots of ppl where I am, it doesn't help my situation or make me feel less alone as I don't know any of them. Yep you right, we probably will never get better thanks for confirming that belief. I still delude myself into thinking I can get better as its all I have to hold on to to keep going. I do think it is possible to get better, it will be an incredibly hard process and it will be about working on your underlying issues and working through them if you can even work out what they are, but its such a maze that I don't know if I will ever accomplish it. I don't think medication is the answer, it is just covering up what's underneath, plus im hyper sensitive to everything so it just makes me feel even more odd. I hope it works for you though. Keep faith, it is possible to recover however long we have been like this. We thought our way into this and we can think our way out of it.

A permanent job isnt going to do anything for me. What am I working for? To feel like shit every day to get a wage packet at the end of the month, to do what with? Theres nothing I want to do. I dont think like a normal person, im not working in a standard job I dont enjoy just for the sake of saving for shitty little house.

Sorry for my language, I guess im just angry at life and myself.

Thank for trying to help.

[Dazza123]

Well I hope something changes for you at some point. Good luck :)

[Davit]

You can get better but in your case you need information and you have to know what is broke before you can fix it. I can explain things but it will take time. Is it worth it to you. You have tried everything else.
Even drinking to the point of passing out and not remembering or the same with drugs does not kill brain cells if it is social. Drinking till you go into an actual coma would. Otherwise all you did was put your neurotransmitters to sleep. At eighteen years of age your brain changes physically. Where as you needed neural pathways to learn at speed you now need stronger ones so they double up getting stronger so you can handle the stress of becoming an adult. This is major change and will only happen again if needed to remember something important. So after eighteen we think clearer and how we are is pretty much set. Any core beliefs are now in control till changed but because of the strong twinned pathways. they are hard to change, not impossible. Each neuron is attached to a thousand others. so there are multiple choices to get from A to B. Your brain has more storage space than a terra byte computer and because of the way the neurons are connected it is faster. Much faster.

So you need to stop looking at the whole picture and fix it in pieces because using the whole picture you have multiple routes back to the same unwanted thought. There is a technique for painting pictures where you paint one square at a time so when you do you can concentrate on that square but it has to fit to the previous. So one square at a time you build a new picture. One of your therapist should have started doing this with you. it is like my stacking technique for panic. Doing something new with one eye on the previous so it stays the same. What you will do is change attitude, perception and belief until you are the way you want to be. But you have to believe it will work. And why would it? Because it did for me. It took time though. lots of time. Worth it though.

By the way I was a wild assed kid who drove his motor cycle down the sidewalks and got drunk every week end and sweat and puked my way through Mondays. Try unloading barges with a hang over and the sun shining. I quit that stupidity at 26. I wish I had the money I pissed away. Literally.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Thanks Davit. It makes sense somewhat. But none of my therapists have started doing anything like that with me. I understand somewhat how and why im like this but we never get to the core of how I start to make changes. Its more just offloading and talking about my situation for the sake of it but never coming to any sort of place where I say right I need to start working on this or that.

So say one of the broken "peice" "square" is that I have blocked out sad emotions my whole life to protect myself and now I am unable to express feel or show my emotions but it has having a negative affect and giving me underlying anxiety....How would I start to fix that?

Or say I have spent my whole life never doing anything I didn't want to, always taking the easy road, when I was a young child I would cry to get out of doing things, as I go older I would just act like I didn't care and not do anything I didn't want or need to do. This had lead me to find normal things like working and socializing etc very stressful and seem not worth the stress. I have and can push myself through those situations and have done before for long periods of time but still I don't improve.

I have an answer for everything and shut everyone down if they try and help me etc etc. I keep myself trapped. I don't feel like I want to stay trapped in this situation but maybe my subconscious feels it is safer here so doesn't want to let me out into the normal world.


This as well as drug taking, drinking along with various small tramums of being beaten up, feeling trapped, bad trips on come downs etc etc.

They are just a few of the aspects I feel are why I am the way I am today but I do not know where to start and how I would change them.

[Davit]

Lets start with the first square. If crying got you attention it isn't that. There is on the internet two tests. Jung test for personality type. I'm an introvert and never force myself to do anything I don't want to. If I was an extrovert it would bother me because It would be something I was supposed to do. There are also in this same line two types of people called because of their difference, Apples and Oranges. Apples are go getter type A self important people who strive to climb the ladder and in extremes walk on people to get there. Oranges are laid back caring and money isn't such a big deal as long as there is enough. They are extremely good at what they do if they set their mind to it. They have a lot of interesting information in memory where Apples tend to have only what they need. Oranges have no intention of climbing any ladders. They take jobs that are interesting so they don't get bored because there is no other drive to keep them there. I'm an Orange, my brother is an Apple. It frustrates him. Oranges tend to suffer anxiety. Apples pass theirs on to other people to get rid of it. An apple with anxiety blames everything but themselves. Oranges don't.
The other thing is attachment theory. In this you fit into one of four types depending on the first months of your life. This is where the root core beliefs that influence the rest you build get their start. This is a start only because different personalities take different therapy. Once you know your type you can fill in the first square, otherwise as the saying goes you are just pissing in the dark.

So the first square is whining and crying won't do any good because you are the one who needs to change, not your surroundings although you can change any surrounding that you don't like (this is orange) Also, you have to do this because you want to because as you have already noticed you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Life will go on no matter what you do. So I recommend you do the Jung personality test and read attachment theory. It isn't Jung any more but that name gets you to it.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Davit, with those tests, I just took it and I have taken 1 similar before. Its tricky because the introverted stuff I slightly lean towards now but I would of lent towards the extrovert before the anxiety. Anyway I answered them honestly as of now and I slightly lean towards introvert but most of the questions im am pretty much 50/50 on or 60/40 and I always have been. Also with your apples and oranges comment, I would be a banana because I am aspects of both. Maybe this is another one of my problems.

And the whining and crying things wasn't for attention, it was to take an easy way out of situations I didn't want to be in and crying usually works for that when you are a young child.

[Davit]

No you are not a banana because you can be any thing in between. A lot of people are because to work they have to be apple. Most of the world is apple but then they go home to their world and are orange. It is hard because they bounce from one to the other. A lady I knew thought she had to be Apple because everyone was. Or appeared to be to her.
Her problem was she didn't fit and had to find a way to function in the apple world and still be an orange. Peer pressure puts a large strain on kids to fit and be the same. But if as shown in attachment theory you are a different type than your peers there will be problems short of seeking out your type. If you can be introvert and extrovert at the same time it helps even though it feels dishonest. So to fill the first square you need to know what you want out of life and pick one thing to fill it. Just one since I believe you have a number. Think on this because all these squares are going to have to fit together and you have to hold the first while you work on the next. So the first would be what influences everything else. So crying was an apple means to get what you want at others expense. Do you use other forms of that now that you are adult, and does it bother you. If it doesn't then it is an apple type core belief and only negative in personal relationships. In the dog eat dog business world it is acceptable. Orange can't do that so seek life and work where they don't have too. Some things are only wrong when used in the wrong place.
Leaning toward introvert is leaning toward escape or avoidance. As you said you can find an answer for everything but are they the answers you want or just because they are safe.
So, any idea what you would like to change to fill the first square. What thought bothers or influences your anxiety the most.