Finally got sent to hospital

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

I was drinking 70cl vodka a day and my mind's been, for lack of a better description, going to total mush for so long. I couldn't do stuff for myself or even sleep so I got found by my workers passed out from poisoning. I hadn't drunk enough to be drunk normally I just think my body plain gave up and passed out big time. Been through a really eerie withdrawal episode and been moved around wards.

I'm writing cause I think I'm driving my own mind into madness. I keep on telling myself I'll end up in a mental hospital. I try to act normally but inside my mind is just jumping from random idea to random idea, it stops me from doing things in the right order or even enjoying anything. The most distressing thing is that I feel as if I'm doing this to myself, as if I'm willing myself into it, but I feel I can't control it anymore. It's like a part of me is deliberately trying to kill me.

I should be going into rehab this week but I know nothing about it because I forget all the details as soon as my mum tells me. I'm terrified cause I seriously don't think it can help me, and I think my mother is lying to me about how good it is.

I'll have to leave it here but I could write essays so please ask things. I feel as if this is the right thread cause I know in the back of my mind this is all brought on by the fear of rehab and especially my life afterwards.

[Richard1960]

I take it you are in hospital now being de-toxed which is a fist step to recovery i have been de-toxed twice in hospital and with the help of therapy an completely clear of drink altogether,i first started drinking as a form of self medication,but found it soon become the problem.

I see a counsellor once a week and have now been offered to do a course so i can support people with drinking problems myself.

Once off the booze you could be offered drugs to help you stay off it depends on what the docs decide.

Believe me it is possible to kick it i am here to prove it.I choose to do it my way and not involve my family preferring one to one counselling to anything else.

If you need some support please PM me.

Richard.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Fear of uncertainty is common in anxiety sufferers but what you have to think about is by continuing this way it will lead to much worse.

Listen to your mum and Richard and give it a go. You are going to get dedicated support to help manage your off and deal with your medication.

[Baggs]

If you have a drink problem and if you continue drinking, it will get worse. If you have a drink problem but embrace all the help that is available then you are on the road to recovery. I wish you all the best.

[spamvicious]

Good luck with your recovery. I am teetotal because I have always been scared that if I did drink I would use it as a crutch and would soon develop a problem. You have realised your problem and you can beat it. Be strong.

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

I have no idea when I'm going into a rehabilitation area because I can't trust what anyone says anymore. Either that's me mishearing things or people are lying to me. I'm just thinking at least then I'll have my own living space again and I won't be surrounded by dying people and trainee nurses.

I know therapy ought to be the best option but I want it on my own terms and I don't trust the staff to respect them so I might just leave it. This is something I have to do on my own, and at the moment I feel like life isn't worth living without drinking so I need to be on antidepressants, just to give myself one last chance to see if it makes me feel better. My GP said I can start my course now but seeing as I'm in hospital only the consultant has any say over what I can have (again, maybe another thing I'm being lied to about).

It just gets worse day by day. I wake up just wait for night time because there's nothing I enjoy. There's also definitely something wrong with my mind and my memory. I just pray I'll go back to the person I was eventually, even though I've always been screwed in the head one way or another.

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

I know I'm self bumping but it's an update and another thing I think's serious concerning my mind and sleep. These places I'm being offered to go to are not designated places for drug and alcohol problems after all, they're care homes for (non elderly) people with disabilities. It's taken a weight off my mind cause it won't be so intense. I'm having a really hard time understanding who's helping me and what they're really saying.

Second thing is harrowing. I'm insanely scared of closing my eyes. It's a fear that's built up and it's to do with the insane thoughts I have when they're closed. Just random pictures and sounds all crashing into each other like a train wreck. They're usually disturbing, in one way or another. I can keep my eyes closed for half a minute but then I have to open them, because I feel something terrible's going to happen. It's like there's a point where the thoughts all flick too fast, a threshold, and I feel as if I cross that bridge I'll go insane. I feel I could create a thread just on this. My sleeping tablet's worked for a few days and this night it's done nothing. I'm so groggy but I can't nod off. The only peace I get is when by some miracle I've slept with my tablet and relaxation vids and then I can sleep in in the morning. They usually get my pulse taken quick enough for me to sleep in before lunch comes. Those wake-up-sleep-in roller coasters are the only time of the day nothing can hurt me.

[SarahH]

You are in hospital so I think you should be talking to the staff. Are you in a psych unit or a normal hospital? If the later ask for a psych assessment. I really think you need some help with all this. Please ask for help and someone talk to.

Sarah

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

I'm in my own flat in a residential rehabilitation unit for people with mental health problems now. My mum fought for me to get here instead of a an alcohol/drug related place. I'm also paying for it so it's specialized. They deal with supporting you to get back into the community (though with some residents it's clear they're not going anywhere).

I'm still on the medication they gave me at the hospital. I'm relying on my lorazepam to get me through the day but I have a max of 2mg and a sleeping tablet, which my doctor wants me to taper off of soon. They don't provide therapy themselves, just people to talk to when you need them.

I'm finally on prozac again but it hasn't kicked in. Atm feel insanely depressed and anxious, like there's no one thing I want to do. I spend a lot of time lying down cause it's as useful as doing anything else but I can't even cope with that.

[SarahH]

Its great you are in the right place. Good luck with your recovery. Early days for you yet.

Keep going

sarah

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

Thanks :D it's actually really difficult to articulate how I feel at the moment. One thing's for sure I don't like it here, it's miserable, I feel worse than at the hospital. It's a while away from my family and I've only been getting visited like once a week so far.

I don't think this is going to make me better though. I really want my antidepressants to start working and fast. I've been having suicidal ideas but I do not want to go into so much detail with anyone instead I get sent to a psychiatric ward or something. I can't stand anymore of this moving about. First my mum's, then my nan's, then my first own flat, then hospital, now here, all in the space of months, it's driving me absolutely nutty.

I think CBT might be the best therapy for me but I'm not even sure I want it. I certainly don't want to have to go out into the community with a staff member and have a meeting there, I'm too mentally exhausted I wouldn't know what to do, but I have been told some therapists do come here. I can't afford to stay here for long enough for a full course though so when I go back (I do live in similar supported accommodation for vulnerable adults with support but there's more individual freedom) I'd have to change doctors and stuff all over again and I can't deal with it, I need the doctor here to up my medication until I can freaking think straight.

I might post a thread describing how I feel if I have a calm spell. I feel a lot safer talking to people online atm, for one thing I can type fine but when I talk I'm a gibbering wreck.

[SarahH]

As much as NMP can support you the "professional" help is what will get the best recovery.

Sarah