I didn't know where to put this.....

[groovygranny]

I've just spent the last twenty minutes trying to make up my mind which forum I should put this in. I still don't know if it's the right one but I had to make a decision before I blew a gasket.

Two posts have stirred something in me that I suspected was there but I suppose I've tried to avoid the issue. Please don't misinterpret this - I'm very glad I have been stirred cos now I know I have to do something about it if I'm not going to slip backwards too far.

I have just read "firstisms in grief" posted by russ in 'Depression from Panic and Anxiety' ...and... "January 22nd 2007" posted by ricakards in 'Misc' with a link to the bbc news site given by thriver ref. 24th January .

It is now apparant to me that I have issues surrounding the death of my father on 24th January 2005. I know I miss him, but I don't feel as though I miss him. My mother (who has had 'nervous'' issues since I was 5yrs old - I am now 52 ) dpends so much on me and has done all her life. My own illness last year (after my father's death) was just the cullmination of a lifetime of what I now know to be anxiety and panic because of this dependency. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents deeply, but it is only since my walking on the road to recovery that I have felt able to say 'no' to demands above my capabilities.

I'm sorry if this sounds really complicated as I don't usually have a problem with words.

I was with my father in his last hours, but at the moment he died I was out of the hospital room. I suppose I feel cheated in a way that he chose to go then and not while I was there. I say chose because two days previous he had refused his dialysis treatment ( I certainly don't blame him for that) because he had had enough of many years of suffering.

I don't quite know how I feel at the moment,.....guilty?.....resentful?....hurt?......f rustrated?.....sorrowful?....
relived?......anxious?...panic-stricken?....
Seeing it all written down sort of brings it home really. I'm not going to allow the blackness to come......I just feel a bit sad.:(

This is a huge post and I'm sorry if I've gone on a bit , but I know you lot are gluttons for punishment!

Thanks for listening (or should I say reading?)

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

PS:special love to you russ - I know how you feel [:X]

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[mazz]

Hi dont beat your self up ok .I lost my mum 2 years ago my best friend ever and i went through all kinds of emotions.... fear sadness guilt hurt you name it i felt it.Now i feel iam the adult incontrol of myself not the little girl they left behind if that makes sence.Grief is a weird thing that can move us in different ways.You will move on from this honest just at the moment its raw.Hope that helps
Mazz.

[Coni]

Hi GG,

I lost my dad really suddenly when I was 18 (Im 39 now) and I still have 'issues' with this. He collapsed and died while I was talking to him and I never helped him....ran away in fact.
From that moment my mum became locked in her own grief and her own needs.....she was completely lost without him...used to say they were soulmates. She began drinking heavily (which continued over the years) and completely depended on me for everything, socially and emotionally. My mum was a very domineering woman, very strong in so many ways and almost cruel with her remarks at times. Once crossed she never forgave. If i didnt do as she wanted there would always be a price to pay, usually emotionally. She criticised my husband, my children, me....but said she never meant any of it in a 'bad way'. Latterly she would 'punish' me (or at least thats how it felt) by drinking more...refusing to take her medication....by this time she was ill and I was sick with worry and anger and resentment.

My panic attacks started a year after my dad died....my mum used to constantly tell me how much worry I caused her. So when I became ill this time (almost two years ago now) I shut her out. I was angry and hurt and scared and resentful and couldnt cope with the demands of my children my husband my mum and a stressful job. I was a mess. And she died in the middle of all this before I could make things right.

I guess what Im trying to say is I kind of get where you're coming from. I think family relationships are so complicated.

I think its good you have so much insight into this, although I think probably you will find you have to deal with these 'issues' eventually.

I dont think I grieved fully for my dad...there were lots of things in the way and I still feel a bit numb about my mum dying (its 18 months now). I know I sound hard and selfish but I promise Im not...I did love her ...she was my mum

Like you I dont know how I feel...sad and empty?

Sorry Im not much help ( and I too have gone on a bit lol!) but I'm thinking of you.

love Coni X

[groovygranny]

Thank you Mazz and Coni (I've PM'd you Coni)......

As I'm an only child, it helps so much to be able to come on here and share things, and I have made close friends here. Although I'm fortunate in that I have a supportive partner and daughters it makes a difference when you are in communication with people who have expereienced the things you're trying to explain.

Just come off the phone to mum. I was feeling a little better this morning but after speaking to her woomf! I'm feeling quite unsettled now. As she is agrophobic (never been officially diagnosed) she doesn't go on buses, into large shops, go for walks or trips out that involve getting out of the car for long.............I could go on. We've never done any 'mother and daughter' things and I just accepted it as I was gowing up. And Dad never challenged her over anything either - just got on with it. Although, in fairness to her, I must say over recent years she has tried and succeeded in a couple of areas, but that involved me being there all the time.

Anyway, this means that she totally depends on me for shopping and buying birthday/Christmas presents etc. I work full time and my husband is medically retired so the only time I can do this is at the weekend - when all I want to do is 'let it all hang out' . If I don't ring every day she feels neglected but sometimes I have other things going on with my own family who also need me (I have a grandson and another gchild on the way too) .

I try and explain all this to her but all she sees is her own devastation at my father's death, and doesn't really want to know about anybody else. I feel really terrible saying all this but I'm a what You See Is What You Get type of person, what's the point in being dishonest with yourself as well as others?

I've got an awful feeling that I'm getting to be resentful of my own mother - and I don't like it.

Thank you again for listening to the my 'granny ramblings' .

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[Dave777]

I understand GG, my mother has been a great trial to me most of my life, it's difficult to keep these issues at arms length, to let it screw up your life is not an option.

take care of you. x

[Coni]

Hi GG,

I totally know what youre saying....my mum was exactly like this....she didnt seem to realise that I had a life too....sometimes between her and my husband I felt like I had 5 kids instead of 3 and I would try my best to please them all. I would try to be understanding and tolerant but sometimes I would feel so angry and resentful...closely followed by guilt. If I tried to talk calmly to her and explain she would just take the huff. If I lost my temper the guilt was horrible and there would always be a price to pay. Do I sound hard and selfish?

You're definitely not alone (but you knew that anyway)...and I dont mind your granny ramblings...you're a very glamorous and wise granny anyway!

love

Coni X

[LickeyEndBlues]

GG
I lost my dad about 10 years ago now and was almost faced with the same situation in not being there with him.

I live in Bromsgrove and my family are in Edinburgh. I was getting conflicting reports from my mother and the hospital so decided to go up and see him myself. He had been ill off and on for some time but he had just been diagnosed with lung and prostate cancer.

When I was up ther I was able to see him on the Saturday but on the Suday he slipped into a coma. My mother, brother and I were with him but needed to sort out a plan to make sure someone was with him at all times. Within that it was stressed that it was possible that one of us may not be there with him and we agreed that there should be no regret if that happened. Dad being the considerate sort slipped away while we were all there.

I fully recognise how you must feel though and it all complicates the sadness that is an OK thing. My mum and dads relationship was far from a loving one and that complicates it all for me. I have huge issues with my mum and although I have tried to say things to her to explain how I feel it still remains.

Resentment, guilt, frustration, hurt...yup I can go with that.

I guess it is all part of lifes rich tapestry and in mid life I am starting to view it differently.

Take care

Iain

What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?

[groovygranny]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">to let it screw up your life is not an option.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Dave, good strong advice thank you so much - I'll memorise this for use when I need to remind myself of it! x

Coni: Are you sure we're not related? You've just described me and my situation exactly! Such kind words, and patient too!

Lickey:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">... it all complicates the sadness that is an OK thing.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I needed to hear this, thank you. It helps to know it's ok.


Thank you. Just need to get passed Wednesday,when mum will be here, without letting her grief dominate everybody else's......cos if she does then I fear I'm gonna blow - at the wrong time in the wrong place.

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[happyone]

GG
I honestly feel I could have almost written your post. It seems so weird because this was only part of the things I spoke about today to my psychologist.
My brother died when I was 12. My parents were alcoholic binge drinkers before his death and most certainly after. They needed me so much to help them recover, my mum especially. My dad took ill around 1996 and they both stopped drinking which gave all our lives some calm. Since he died in 2001, my mum has never made a deal about needing me, but I feel the weight of responsibility so much sometimes.
Like you I feel a combination of emotions that are so hard to describe as they are vast and contradictory. It's like I feel angry, but guilty cos they never asked for it to be like this, sad for them and angry that I naver got a real chance to be sad and it goes on.
I love my mum more than I could describe as I did my dad and my brother but if I get caught up in negative emotions or memories I feel bad as though I have let them down in some way (even though I have never made any of them aware of my feelings)
My father too, slipped away when I was out of the room (I was actually sleeping on the couch) and I have held on to so much guilt from that and in my bleakest times wished so much I could live that night again. I also understand the feeling of him choosing it that way as my father refused his second round of chemo which I totally agreed with.
What I am trying to say is, as another person I would say to you that I understand all these feelings you have but please don't let it swallow you, being sad is okay though.
I can talk for scotland, so I'll give my keyboard a rest. Feel free to pm me anytime.
Take care. Your feelings are normal and indicitive of how caring you are for the people around you.
Happyone
x

"Today is the day before tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." wisdom of my daughter!

[groovygranny]

Happyone ( I just love your username!)

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have held on to so much guilt from that and in my bleakest times wished so much I could live that night again.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote"> this is oh so true.......


and thank you ,I will PM you,


lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[kimmy]

I have had a similiar experience recently with my nan. Its makes me so sad too. She had a few months battling with Cancer but unfortunatly 'it' took over. I dont want to say my nan lost her battle, because she didnt, shes a hero to me and always will be.

My nan got very ill, very very fast. The whole family were with her for days before she passed away, which i know she hated! She didnt want the fuss and swore at us all many atime. Eventually she was taken into hospital for the last time, there were a few of us there and watching her battle with her breathing, we all spoke to her so gentle and said its ok to stop now etc. My nan went on for hours the stubborn cow! (Shed hit me round the head for saying that):D

Well tensions were very high, i ended up having an arguement with my sister and mother on the telephone while I was there and left. I was one of the last to see my nan. My aunty told me not to leave because i may regret it if anything happend, I left and went home, I didnt want to be crying like that in front of her, id held it together so well and only ever cried at home.

A couple of hours later i found out my nan had died, I had sat with her previously for hours, holding her hand.

I wasnt sad, I could of been but I wasn't. What kept me together was the fact that my nan probably didnt want me to see her die, she didnt want anyone to see her die.

My nan died in the afternoon, in an ambulance being transferred to a different hospital. My aunty was the only person with her. Nobody but my aunty was with my nan when she passed, I guess thats what she wanted and thats more than enough for me xxxx

[groovygranny]

Hi kimmy,

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">What kept me together was the fact that my nan probably didnt want me to see her die, she didnt want anyone to see her die. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I'll hold on to this thought, it's a great comfort. Thank you.


Well GG woke from a very disturbed night, with churning stomach and racing thoughts not wanting today to happen :( But with the rock-like support from a close friend I got through the day:) And I kept reading all the advice and comforting words from these kind replies to my original post!

The only worrying thing that is with me still is the numbness I felt toward my mother today. She was waiting for me when I got home from school rather later than usual. She never mentioned dad, and neither did I. I think she was waiting for me to say something so she could talk about it, but I didn't. I feel very uncomfortable with that because I think I should have shown her more compassion than what I did. Now it seems to be me whose avoiding issues - GG obviously has difficulty in practicing what she preaches[Sigh...] how embarassing!!

I do know I need to end all this guilt because I know it will hinder not help me. I know I have to think more of me (and that's even more difficult to do when you've been brought up to believe that this is selfish! I'm even finding it difficult to type the words!). But I can't put it off any longer can I?

So, today is as good as any to start right? Even if I get it wrong on the way.

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[LickeyEndBlues]

Slightly off topic but GG you say you have difficulty in practising what you preach.............don't we all!!! I've got most of the theories sussed but something deep down stops me applying them!!!

"So, today is as good as any to start right? Even if I get it wrong on the way.".....................Spot on kiddo....now if I can just do that myself!!!!

Take care

Iain

What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?

[groovygranny]

Haha! Thanks Iain!

I'm sure if I can stumble and fall over, then get up to do it all over again - you can too!! :)

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'