bun
12-04-15, 23:10
Hello, new here. I'm a 15 year old teenage girl and decided to join this forum as I was feeling pretty isolated. I haven't felt 100% me for the past 3 or 4 months ever since I had a panic attack back in February or so. I had experienced a few panic attacks in the past, but the anxiety would only remain with me until the evening where I would sleep, wake up fine and normal again without remembering the panic attack the day prior. But the panic attack I had a few months ago came with the awful effect of derealisation, which I had never had before. As those with DR will already know, it is truly one of the most awful things to face, possibly even worse than the panic attack itself. Recently I've even had what I think is very minor depersonalisation (I looked in the mirror the other day and had a moment of 'is this me?' but now I am fine with it. Another time I began to think 'am I just a voice in another body?' which gave one of those bursts of dread but I shrugged it off). The panic attack I had was at school. It was so spontaneous and weird; I was drawing something and then suddenly I realised I wasn't listening to the teacher or aware of my surroundings so my heart began racing, I felt disorientated, slightly dizzy, in a dream-like state (DR is the worst feeling ever) and I felt that I HAD to escape the classroom. The lesson had 10 minutes remaining and I managed to last, albeit feeling absolutely terrible. I came home feeling anxious, panicky, like I never had before. I had to call my parents to pick me up and I dislike doing that as I feel like a slight burden to them asking for lifts. I felt that I couldn't go back into that classroom and requested not to go for the next few lessons. At my school I am grateful that they are there for those struggling with issues like this. I finally went back into the classroom, and I still don't feel comfortable there but hey, at least I'm doing it.
I was analysing how I felt every minute. I believe I nearly developed a form of OCD from checking my pulse every so often to check my heart was normal (luckily I noticed I was doing it and really tried to stop doing it), and I'm still struggling with the habit of dermophagia (skin biting) which I never had before. I went home that day trying everything to sleep properly and convince myself to go to school the next day. I'm glad I did and that I pushed myself. From then on I kept having thoughts like "am I dreaming?" "is this real?" "am I going to hurt someone, maybe even kill someone?" which obviously just brought on more fear. I went overboard, researching schizophrenia, psychosis, everything, which scared me even more. But now I know that it's just the anxiety. I feared the state that DR brings on and that I would be cut off from the world. Now I am not as afraid and I know I have control. I took little steps to help me improve, and started walking the dog alone again, going out with friends and walking places alone again like I used to. I used to feel anxious almost every moment of the day, but after a day out to a big city waiting for my sister's university interview, I felt so relieved. I nearly backed out from going as I thought I couldn't do a whole day in an uncomfortable place. I was in the car on the way back and it hit me - this is what feeling normal feels like again. My heart rate was normal, I realised I wasn't analysing anything and I felt so content. Ever since then I have felt more and more normal. Oh, and I even requested counselling from the school but so far that hasn't been the most helpful (I unfortunately only had 1 session in the course of 3 months). I would really like to buy the book "At Last a Life" as I've heard this is extremely useful to those suffering from panic attacks and DR/DP (if anyone has read his, please let me know your thoughts).
And this panic attack was for no reason at all. This is what angers me - there is no real explanation for it. The next few weeks were tough as I wasn't used to this; I wasn't used to feeling not normal and not having an analytic thought circuiting my mind nearly 100% of the time. I still hope that one day I will regain the feeling of 100% normality and not have to think and analyse everything I do. Those following weeks I felt I couldn't be on my own- I had to have the security of my parents or sister around. My parents haven't always been the most supportive or understanding, but I love them nevertheless for helping me, and my sister and I really bonded during the times I needed someone there. For that, I am grateful.
This whole thing has made me realise that I took for granted feeling normal, feeling happy every day. I know I will get better (time has already shown how I have improved!) and hopefully get back to my old self again. I don't struggle with sleeping at all now, but those first few days after the attack I really could not sleep well. Sleeping is actually the most peaceful part of my day haha, alongside knitting which helps me through (highly recommend it). But I still wake up sometimes wondering how I feel in the morning which is part of the habit now - a habit I'd like to break. I feel like that is the kind of thing that perpetuates the cycle of anxiety and not feeling normal; you constantly check how you feel and what your surroundings are like and it's a hard habit to break. I'm hoping that the school counsellor can help me with this kind of thing really - is this what CBT caters to? And please could someone let me know what CBT is all about and if they have had CBT, especially if it is for helping with DR/DP. Thank you in advance.
Now I am thankful that I haven't faced any full blown panic attacks since, but every so often I get a burst of dread for a couple of seconds and then I feel OK again after. But those bursts of panic scare me and I feel so excluded from the world. I'm lucky in that I can bring myself back again on my own and I'm OK afterwards, and I haven't felt a 'burst' in awhile. I'm actually doing ok now but I still don't feel 100%. I'd say I'm about 80% there - miles better than what I felt before. I try not to put pressure on myself by setting goals for how normal I feel, which I did a lot after my first panic attack (I.e. let's make this go away within 2 weeks. It has now been 4 months, so it really did take some time).
What I would say to those who are struggling a lot, and I'm no expert here but please know that it gets better with time. It takes strength and patience to rebuild confidence and reduce the anxiety. I am still learning not to be afraid of the panic state, but I have tried a technique where I will for the panic/dread moments to get worse and all of a sudden you feel no fear anymore because it can't get any worse than your peak of panic.
I'm also worrying about exams (which are a month away) and if I have a panic attack in the exam, but worrying further that if I tell the counsellor, they won't take me seriously ( I don't know why I worry about that kind of thing because she is very supportive). I will be honest, I never used to be a worrier, but this has just brought out all of the anxiety within me. Already I know that this is a very supportive community, so thank you for reading through this - if you read all of it haha. I'm sorry it's so long, I just really had to express myself. 4 months ago and I couldn't even bare to research anxiety because I was so afraid it would induce an attack. Now I can readily talk about how I feel and hopefully will have the chance to when I go back to school after this holiday and speak to the counsellor.
Thanks for reading, it means a lot.
I was analysing how I felt every minute. I believe I nearly developed a form of OCD from checking my pulse every so often to check my heart was normal (luckily I noticed I was doing it and really tried to stop doing it), and I'm still struggling with the habit of dermophagia (skin biting) which I never had before. I went home that day trying everything to sleep properly and convince myself to go to school the next day. I'm glad I did and that I pushed myself. From then on I kept having thoughts like "am I dreaming?" "is this real?" "am I going to hurt someone, maybe even kill someone?" which obviously just brought on more fear. I went overboard, researching schizophrenia, psychosis, everything, which scared me even more. But now I know that it's just the anxiety. I feared the state that DR brings on and that I would be cut off from the world. Now I am not as afraid and I know I have control. I took little steps to help me improve, and started walking the dog alone again, going out with friends and walking places alone again like I used to. I used to feel anxious almost every moment of the day, but after a day out to a big city waiting for my sister's university interview, I felt so relieved. I nearly backed out from going as I thought I couldn't do a whole day in an uncomfortable place. I was in the car on the way back and it hit me - this is what feeling normal feels like again. My heart rate was normal, I realised I wasn't analysing anything and I felt so content. Ever since then I have felt more and more normal. Oh, and I even requested counselling from the school but so far that hasn't been the most helpful (I unfortunately only had 1 session in the course of 3 months). I would really like to buy the book "At Last a Life" as I've heard this is extremely useful to those suffering from panic attacks and DR/DP (if anyone has read his, please let me know your thoughts).
And this panic attack was for no reason at all. This is what angers me - there is no real explanation for it. The next few weeks were tough as I wasn't used to this; I wasn't used to feeling not normal and not having an analytic thought circuiting my mind nearly 100% of the time. I still hope that one day I will regain the feeling of 100% normality and not have to think and analyse everything I do. Those following weeks I felt I couldn't be on my own- I had to have the security of my parents or sister around. My parents haven't always been the most supportive or understanding, but I love them nevertheless for helping me, and my sister and I really bonded during the times I needed someone there. For that, I am grateful.
This whole thing has made me realise that I took for granted feeling normal, feeling happy every day. I know I will get better (time has already shown how I have improved!) and hopefully get back to my old self again. I don't struggle with sleeping at all now, but those first few days after the attack I really could not sleep well. Sleeping is actually the most peaceful part of my day haha, alongside knitting which helps me through (highly recommend it). But I still wake up sometimes wondering how I feel in the morning which is part of the habit now - a habit I'd like to break. I feel like that is the kind of thing that perpetuates the cycle of anxiety and not feeling normal; you constantly check how you feel and what your surroundings are like and it's a hard habit to break. I'm hoping that the school counsellor can help me with this kind of thing really - is this what CBT caters to? And please could someone let me know what CBT is all about and if they have had CBT, especially if it is for helping with DR/DP. Thank you in advance.
Now I am thankful that I haven't faced any full blown panic attacks since, but every so often I get a burst of dread for a couple of seconds and then I feel OK again after. But those bursts of panic scare me and I feel so excluded from the world. I'm lucky in that I can bring myself back again on my own and I'm OK afterwards, and I haven't felt a 'burst' in awhile. I'm actually doing ok now but I still don't feel 100%. I'd say I'm about 80% there - miles better than what I felt before. I try not to put pressure on myself by setting goals for how normal I feel, which I did a lot after my first panic attack (I.e. let's make this go away within 2 weeks. It has now been 4 months, so it really did take some time).
What I would say to those who are struggling a lot, and I'm no expert here but please know that it gets better with time. It takes strength and patience to rebuild confidence and reduce the anxiety. I am still learning not to be afraid of the panic state, but I have tried a technique where I will for the panic/dread moments to get worse and all of a sudden you feel no fear anymore because it can't get any worse than your peak of panic.
I'm also worrying about exams (which are a month away) and if I have a panic attack in the exam, but worrying further that if I tell the counsellor, they won't take me seriously ( I don't know why I worry about that kind of thing because she is very supportive). I will be honest, I never used to be a worrier, but this has just brought out all of the anxiety within me. Already I know that this is a very supportive community, so thank you for reading through this - if you read all of it haha. I'm sorry it's so long, I just really had to express myself. 4 months ago and I couldn't even bare to research anxiety because I was so afraid it would induce an attack. Now I can readily talk about how I feel and hopefully will have the chance to when I go back to school after this holiday and speak to the counsellor.
Thanks for reading, it means a lot.