Secretive
15-04-15, 13:16
I started my citalopram this year again because due to financial reasons I'd been off it for a while. That meant dealing with all the side effects again unfortunately, but things seem to have mellowed out for now. I just want to be back on my meds for the feeling of stability and taking the edge off the worst part.
I'm extremely private about my anxiety though. I don't want it to be my identity, I don't want people to treat me differently whether it's by being extra nice to me because they think I am fragile or by thinking I am just being weak and pathetic. People like my family and my boyfriend of six years know about my anxiety problems but I would rather keep it to myself otherwise.
But people keep noticing something is "off" with me. My boyfriend's parents saw me apparently being distant and tired all the time, and were "worried" about me. They thought I might be on drugs because my boyfriend's uncle behaved the same way and he's an addict. My boyfriend told them about my anxiety purely to set the record straight. I have since spoken with them to simply explain GAD, and emphasised that I do not want or need to be treated differently and do not want to talk about it again in the future. The other day one of my colleagues approached me, asking how I was coping with my job and mentioned that a few of them were wondering if something was up. I had been passing off my citalopram side effects as being ill, and I do have a few anxious quirks like being very private and having very low self esteem. Last year I also took time off for a mental breakdown that I passed off as just being "ill" (although it was a doctor who recommended I take time off), I think they've put two and two together. I felt I had to be honest with her so once again people wouldn't speculate that something worse was wrong with me, although I did ask that she keep it to herself. She was asking about if I am happy at work, and if I still feel this job is right for me (it's working in the public with strangers) and now I am worried that my colleagues think I am not capable enough, which upsets me as I had been proud of myself for managing to do a job like this with GAD. I'm not proud anymore. I am also worried that this particular colleague, who was perfectly polite and nice, will see me differently.
I'm just so upset because I thought I had overcome a lot and that my anxiety was hidden from most people around me. I feel like for the rest of my life I will either have to divulge personal information about myself, or have people "worry" and think I'm a total weirdo. It makes me feel like I just stick out like a sore thumb and that I there must be something glaringly wrong with my personality. I want to hide it better, I'm considering kicking up a search for a new job for a fresh start although it's hard at the moment.
Some people seem to be able to hide their anxiety so well, till recently I thought I did too but apparently not. How do people hide so well? Is there anything I could do to learn to hide better? I'm apparently quite easy to read emotionally and I despise that about myself because I'm also very private. Having people figure me out makes me feel like the very thing I don't want to be, a weak delicate little flower. Does anyone else have trouble keeping this stuff hidden? I feel pretty alone.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.
I'm extremely private about my anxiety though. I don't want it to be my identity, I don't want people to treat me differently whether it's by being extra nice to me because they think I am fragile or by thinking I am just being weak and pathetic. People like my family and my boyfriend of six years know about my anxiety problems but I would rather keep it to myself otherwise.
But people keep noticing something is "off" with me. My boyfriend's parents saw me apparently being distant and tired all the time, and were "worried" about me. They thought I might be on drugs because my boyfriend's uncle behaved the same way and he's an addict. My boyfriend told them about my anxiety purely to set the record straight. I have since spoken with them to simply explain GAD, and emphasised that I do not want or need to be treated differently and do not want to talk about it again in the future. The other day one of my colleagues approached me, asking how I was coping with my job and mentioned that a few of them were wondering if something was up. I had been passing off my citalopram side effects as being ill, and I do have a few anxious quirks like being very private and having very low self esteem. Last year I also took time off for a mental breakdown that I passed off as just being "ill" (although it was a doctor who recommended I take time off), I think they've put two and two together. I felt I had to be honest with her so once again people wouldn't speculate that something worse was wrong with me, although I did ask that she keep it to herself. She was asking about if I am happy at work, and if I still feel this job is right for me (it's working in the public with strangers) and now I am worried that my colleagues think I am not capable enough, which upsets me as I had been proud of myself for managing to do a job like this with GAD. I'm not proud anymore. I am also worried that this particular colleague, who was perfectly polite and nice, will see me differently.
I'm just so upset because I thought I had overcome a lot and that my anxiety was hidden from most people around me. I feel like for the rest of my life I will either have to divulge personal information about myself, or have people "worry" and think I'm a total weirdo. It makes me feel like I just stick out like a sore thumb and that I there must be something glaringly wrong with my personality. I want to hide it better, I'm considering kicking up a search for a new job for a fresh start although it's hard at the moment.
Some people seem to be able to hide their anxiety so well, till recently I thought I did too but apparently not. How do people hide so well? Is there anything I could do to learn to hide better? I'm apparently quite easy to read emotionally and I despise that about myself because I'm also very private. Having people figure me out makes me feel like the very thing I don't want to be, a weak delicate little flower. Does anyone else have trouble keeping this stuff hidden? I feel pretty alone.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.