Randy
21-01-07, 23:37
Now that I feel mor comfortable with the nice people on this forum, I feel a need to describe my anxiety and depression problems, and let you know a little more about me. First of all, I am a 46 year old man from Kentucky, married to a wonderful and beautiful woman with whom I share two sons (age 23 and 15) and a daughter who is 18. I have a good job as an auto worker, a nice home and 2 dogs. Life can't be better, huh? Well, as you all knowd, when you're riddled with anxiety and depression, these things you used to enjoy so much you cannot enjoy anymore. Why?
I was raised in a super strict Baptist home, youngest of 4. My dad was 44 and my mom was 40 years old when I was born. Some of the earliest memories I have was of my father, in a fit of what I call rage, pulled my pants off in a grocery store and beat me, stark naked, with his belt. I found out quickly that if I cried, it would only prolong the beating. I learned throughout my early childhood to turn off tears when the beating began. My mother was just as bad, but I will pass on commenting about that. This happened when I was just 4 or 5 years old.
When I was in elementary school, grade 3 I believe, I developed a habit of needing to urinate every 30 minutes or so, throughout the school day. My teachers didn't understand, my parents and older brother made fun of me, and ridiculed me, and the doctor said there was nothing wrong with me. Was this the beginning of my anxiety? This urge to urinate frequently lasted only a couple of weeks, but by then, the worst part was over. The other students, as well as my teachers and parents, thought I was either crazy or craving attention. On a humorous side note: when I was 7 or 8, my brother mentioned to me that if I wasn't careful, I could choke to death by "swallowing my tongue", so I went to bed with my tongue clenched between my teeth until I was too tired to stay awake. Thankfully, I never once choked on my tongue! LOL
My first and worst panic attack was when I was thirteen and tried marijuana. With the guilt and fear of my parents finding out, I went through such fear that it affected me for at least a couple of months afterward. It felt as if objects were further away than they should have been, and that voices were not as loud as they should be. An inner voice, my thoughts, kept nagging me, telling me that suicide was always an option, even though suicide was something I would never try. At that time, anyway. This was the scariest time of my life. I have never done any illegal drugs other than pot in my life, and haven't smoked pot for over 25 years now. Was this the beginning of my anxiety problem?
I spent the remainder of my teen years getting through high school without panic and anxiety, resorting to playing basketball as much as possible, because it made me feel good. I worked several jobs for extra money, and when I graduated high school, played basketball on the streets for the next 3 or 4 years, working and putting myself through college, earning an associate's degree in medical assisting. After college, I spent the next 4 years in the US Army working at Walter Reed Army Institute of Research as a veterinarian technician. This is where I met my wife. [Wow!]
For the past 17 years, I have worked an incredibly stressful job in the auto manufacturing business. The Lord has blessed me with good health, a great family, and a way to pay the bills.
Now, for the past three months, I am once again paralyzed and riddled with constant anxiety, situational panic attacks, and depression. Also, in that timeframe my 86 year old mother has fallen and broken her shoulder and was hospitalized, my eldest brother, who is 59, overdosed and had a stroke, (after living with us for 22 months in the basement). My brother in law died suddenly of a heart attack at age 50, almost exactly a year after his brother, my other brother in law, died suddenly of a heart attack as well, also at age 50. My sister had a stroke, my father was hospitalized with cardiac problems, (at age 90), on Chris
I was raised in a super strict Baptist home, youngest of 4. My dad was 44 and my mom was 40 years old when I was born. Some of the earliest memories I have was of my father, in a fit of what I call rage, pulled my pants off in a grocery store and beat me, stark naked, with his belt. I found out quickly that if I cried, it would only prolong the beating. I learned throughout my early childhood to turn off tears when the beating began. My mother was just as bad, but I will pass on commenting about that. This happened when I was just 4 or 5 years old.
When I was in elementary school, grade 3 I believe, I developed a habit of needing to urinate every 30 minutes or so, throughout the school day. My teachers didn't understand, my parents and older brother made fun of me, and ridiculed me, and the doctor said there was nothing wrong with me. Was this the beginning of my anxiety? This urge to urinate frequently lasted only a couple of weeks, but by then, the worst part was over. The other students, as well as my teachers and parents, thought I was either crazy or craving attention. On a humorous side note: when I was 7 or 8, my brother mentioned to me that if I wasn't careful, I could choke to death by "swallowing my tongue", so I went to bed with my tongue clenched between my teeth until I was too tired to stay awake. Thankfully, I never once choked on my tongue! LOL
My first and worst panic attack was when I was thirteen and tried marijuana. With the guilt and fear of my parents finding out, I went through such fear that it affected me for at least a couple of months afterward. It felt as if objects were further away than they should have been, and that voices were not as loud as they should be. An inner voice, my thoughts, kept nagging me, telling me that suicide was always an option, even though suicide was something I would never try. At that time, anyway. This was the scariest time of my life. I have never done any illegal drugs other than pot in my life, and haven't smoked pot for over 25 years now. Was this the beginning of my anxiety problem?
I spent the remainder of my teen years getting through high school without panic and anxiety, resorting to playing basketball as much as possible, because it made me feel good. I worked several jobs for extra money, and when I graduated high school, played basketball on the streets for the next 3 or 4 years, working and putting myself through college, earning an associate's degree in medical assisting. After college, I spent the next 4 years in the US Army working at Walter Reed Army Institute of Research as a veterinarian technician. This is where I met my wife. [Wow!]
For the past 17 years, I have worked an incredibly stressful job in the auto manufacturing business. The Lord has blessed me with good health, a great family, and a way to pay the bills.
Now, for the past three months, I am once again paralyzed and riddled with constant anxiety, situational panic attacks, and depression. Also, in that timeframe my 86 year old mother has fallen and broken her shoulder and was hospitalized, my eldest brother, who is 59, overdosed and had a stroke, (after living with us for 22 months in the basement). My brother in law died suddenly of a heart attack at age 50, almost exactly a year after his brother, my other brother in law, died suddenly of a heart attack as well, also at age 50. My sister had a stroke, my father was hospitalized with cardiac problems, (at age 90), on Chris