Trying to get by.

[depressedandbroken]

Hello everyone

I am 29 years old and in a very bad dark place right now. I hurt my left side when i slipped and fell on the stairs and was stuck on the couch to heal for a week.. When i fell i injured my kidney area, it was very painful to lay on my left side for a month. I googled stuff about it and left side pain brought up parkinsons among other things, it scared me a whole lot. I didn't let it bother me, two days passed and i built up so much that when i was laying in bed, i went numb all over, everywhere to the point i panicked and was up all night. Stupid me, went back to google and searched, and MS popped up, i read all about it, and guess what? I started getting symptoms of MS, it started out feeling like i was weak, to being numb in certain places (fingers, arms ), I panicked more and more and was in a full blown panic attack 24/7 heart racing, sweating etc, etc. I started getting more symptoms, twitches all over my muscles, burning sensation all throughout my body, weakness. and with that my heart doesn't race anymore, i feel as though i am passed the basic anxiety stage of heart racing, sweatyness, can't breathe. I am now in a 24/7 depression state and am on the verge of ruining my relationship with the woman i have been with for 10 years. My heart doesn't race, i can breathe fine, but i am sweaty all of the time, feel very fatiqued, when i wake up, i feel as though i haven't slept at all even if i sleep 9-10 hours. I feel like my fingers don't work like i want them to, arms heavy, i am internally shaky everywhere and externally shaky, my muscles shake when i use them. I am a complete mess and this is all because i googled something, atleast i think it is, it feels so real and that is why it is so hard to accept this. I have been to the ER and my doctor multiple times, and they ran blood test etc etc, all fine. I have been given cymbalta & ativan, which i have yet to touch, i don't like medicine at all, it scares me. and while i have dealt with anxiety all of my life , which was mainly afraid to be a few blocks away from my house, this is totally different and i would gladly go back to that if i could. I am constantly fatiqued mentally and physically and have honestly been on the verge of giving up, I try so hard to ignore my thoughts and tell myself this isn't real, but i lose every time. I can't concentrate on anything, when anyone talks to me i hear what they are saying but i'm not paying attention i guess and i don't know what they said, i feel like i am in a dream state 24/7. I'm sorry for the big ramble, i just wanted to share my lost battle with you all.

[Davit]

29 hey, prime of your life. I'm 64, had anxiety all my life. Hit bottom around fifty, had ten years of panic attacks. One year where they came every night at two. Became dependent on Ativan. Wasted my time on SSRIs that didn't work. All in the past. Clean now, no drugs and no panic attacks, no anxiety to speak of. Learning comes harder at fifty, you should have it easier than I did. Thing is if I could do it anyone can.

[NoPoet]

Here's my advice:

* If you had a serious, life-changing condition such as Parkinson's or something similar, you wouldn't have found out about it by Googling it, you would certainly know about it by now because of its severely debilitating effects.

* Your anxiety/depression may be severely debilitating, but these are primarily mental and emotional effects. Any physical effects such as weakness, shakiness, lethargy etc, are due to burnout caused by the anxiety/depression. These are "expensive" conditions which are notorious for draining someone's energy, but that does not mean you will be drained forever and it certainly does not imply any kind of permanent physical damage.

* It sounds like your depression is strongly linked to the anxiety. Much of what you describe sounds like the effects of severe, long-term anxiety. If you were able to start making improvements against the anxiety it's likely the depression symptoms will also start to clear up.

* You express a siege mentality, as if problems and life events are queuing up to flatten you, and you interpret the present and the future through a very negative bias, which is a dominant symptom of anxiety/depression. You seem to believe that these events are definitely all terrible and you will not be able to cope with any of them, and that each one is a game-changer. I would suggest that you read the entry for intrusive thoughts on Wikipedia, as your negative thinking seems to fit the pattern. This is a really good article and I wouldn't consider it especially triggering to anxiety or depression, it is very enlightening, which may help you quite a bit in the long run.

* Consider changing your user name, as it is a statement of defeat. Nobody is suggesting you are heading for defeat. Well, nobody except you. It's up to you to make the choice: will you stay down, or get up?

[depressedandbroken]

Here's my advice:

* If you had a serious, life-changing condition such as Parkinson's or something similar, you wouldn't have found out about it by Googling it, you would certainly know about it by now because of its severely debilitating effects.

* Your anxiety/depression may be severely debilitating, but these are primarily mental and emotional effects. Any physical effects such as weakness, shakiness, lethargy etc, are due to burnout caused by the anxiety/depression. These are "expensive" conditions which are notorious for draining someone's energy, but that does not mean you will be drained forever and it certainly does not imply any kind of permanent physical damage.

* It sounds like your depression is strongly linked to the anxiety. Much of what you describe sounds like the effects of severe, long-term anxiety. If you were able to start making improvements against the anxiety it's likely the depression symptoms will also start to clear up.

* You express a siege mentality, as if problems and life events are queuing up to flatten you, and you interpret the present and the future through a very negative bias, which is a dominant symptom of anxiety/depression. You seem to believe that these events are definitely all terrible and you will not be able to cope with any of them, and that each one is a game-changer. I would suggest that you read the entry for intrusive thoughts on Wikipedia, as your negative thinking seems to fit the pattern. This is a really good article and I wouldn't consider it especially triggering to anxiety or depression, it is very enlightening, which may help you quite a bit in the long run.

* Consider changing your user name, as it is a statement of defeat. Nobody is suggesting you are heading for defeat. Well, nobody except you. It's up to you to make the choice: will you stay down, or get up?


That is how i feel though, defeated. I suppose you are right.

I can not get my mind off of this, no matter what i do. anytime i move or feel a twitch, i notice it and then thoughts go crazy. Just lifting something for 30 seconds makes my arm tired, if i bend down my muscles shake in my thighs / calves. It is really really hard to ignore.

I will check out the intrusive thoughts and read about it.

Thank you.

[Davit]

You could also get your potassium checked, that is a better reason for weak muscles than Parkinson's.

[NoPoet]

If whatever you do causes you to feel anxious, then you might as well do things anyway. Avoiding things is only going to cause you a different kind of anxiety. So if you'll feel anxious whether you choose to do things or not, why not do things and accomplish something good?

Imagine what you could do with your life if you were able to go out and engage in activities even though you felt anxious. You could do whatever you wanted. And if doing things that you enjoy makes you more confident, and if you prove to yourself again and again that anxiety isn't the end of the world, you might find the anxiety starts backing down.

[depressedandbroken]

If whatever you do causes you to feel anxious, then you might as well do things anyway. Avoiding things is only going to cause you a different kind of anxiety. So if you'll feel anxious whether you choose to do things or not, why not do things and accomplish something good?

Imagine what you could do with your life if you were able to go out and engage in activities even though you felt anxious. You could do whatever you wanted. And if doing things that you enjoy makes you more confident, and if you prove to yourself again and again that anxiety isn't the end of the world, you might find the anxiety starts backing down.


Yes. I have been trapped in my house for years because of anxiety, if i go further then 3 blocks i panic, heart races, can't breathe etc etc. The fear of that for me isn't going away from the house, it's the i don't want to go through the panic, even though it does die down after a few minutes and i am basically normal, just the thought of going through it every time i go out, makes me not want to go out, if that makes any sense to you.


i have a very beautiful fiancee, and everyday i am shocked & grateful that she is still with me, i have been with her for 10 years now and have not been able to take her out to places or do anything because of this anxiety. I think about it all of the time. it's very hard to get over this, and me being afraid of taking medicine makes it even worse, for all i know i could of been on medicine years ago and been able to go out, but nope, I've lost years and years of my life because of this.

[NoPoet]

Yes. I have been trapped in my house for years because of anxiety, if i go further then 3 blocks i panic, heart races, can't breathe etc etc. The fear of that for me isn't going away from the house, it's the i don't want to go through the panic, even though it does die down after a few minutes and i am basically normal, just the thought of going through it every time i go out, makes me not want to go out, if that makes any sense to you.
Your anxiety has got a lot to teach you if you know where/how to look. Your posts really are a treasure trove of information. For starters, you've already told me that your anxiety is a fear of fear. This means that if you overcome your fear of fear, you will have broken the anxiety's back.

Anxiety is a bully. It depends on you backing down, because it's got nothing to back up its bluster. You know this. The problem is, you are focusing on the wrong bit. You're focusing on the suffering instead of the peace that comes straight after the suffering.

You should change your focus to the peace, warmth and encouragement you feel when the anxiety has broken and gone, when you suddenly realise it cannot hurt you and there was nothing to fear.

Like the Angry Video Game Nerd said, "The only way to do it is to just ****ing do it." You must do that which you think you can't do. This means you are going to have to take the shock of anxiety more than once. You need to keep taking it until it no longer scares you, until you look forward to it coming just so you can get that giddy, euphoric feeling of moving past it. By the time you stop getting the euphoria, you've become so used to beating the anxiety that it no longer feels new. Instead it feels normal.


i have a very beautiful fiancee, and everyday i am shocked & grateful that she is still with me, i have been with her for 10 years now and have not been able to take her out to places or do anything because of this anxiety. I think about it all of the time. it's very hard to get over this, and me being afraid of taking medicine makes it even worse, for all i know i could of been on medicine years ago and been able to go out, but nope, I've lost years and years of my life because of this.
This is going to sound harsh, but think of her, not of yourself. The whole reason your anxiety has got this bad is because you are focusing only on yourself: your thoughts, your feelings, your damaged confidence, your agoraphobia. Part of recovering is learning to live outside your own head, your own world, and exist in the real world of work and laughter and companionship and fresh air and animals and weather.

I lost my last girlfriend to anxiety. Every atom in my body wants to be with her. It hurts so much I could cry sometimes, even now, even though at the time I was relieved we'd agreed to end it for a good reason, and not for lack of loving each other. I failed to appreciate her, or put myself in her shoes (metaphorically speaking). I failed to show how much I loved her. I never bought her gifts or took her anywhere. In her place, I could see only myself. Now she's gone, and while we've stayed friends and still talk occasionally, she has moved on from me, she has met someone else and she's never coming back.

Don't do what I did: don't choose the anxiety over the woman you love. Pick her. Tell the anxiety to go and screw itself. If that means walking around the block and facing the lightning-strike of anxiety, then from one man who has lost his love to another man who still has his, FACE IT. Face it every day until anxiety loses its meaning and the colour comes back into your life. Face it until the day comes when you feel able to book a meal for you both in a restaurant. Choose her over the illness. I'll get on my knees and beg you if it helps.

[depressedandbroken]

You could also get your potassium checked, that is a better reason for weak muscles than Parkinson's.



Had them checked, they are normal.

---------- Post added at 16:43 ---------- Previous post was at 16:38 ----------


Your anxiety has got a lot to teach you if you know where/how to look. Your posts really are a treasure trove of information. For starters, you've already told me that your anxiety is a fear of fear. This means that if you overcome your fear of fear, you will have broken the anxiety's back.

Anxiety is a bully. It depends on you backing down, because it's got nothing to back up its bluster. You know this. The problem is, you are focusing on the wrong bit. You're focusing on the suffering instead of the peace that comes straight after the suffering.

You should change your focus to the peace, warmth and encouragement you feel when the anxiety has broken and gone, when you suddenly realise it cannot hurt you and there was nothing to fear.

Like the Angry Video Game Nerd said, "The only way to do it is to just ****ing do it." You must do that which you think you can't do. This means you are going to have to take the shock of anxiety more than once. You need to keep taking it until it no longer scares you, until you look forward to it coming just so you can get that giddy, euphoric feeling of moving past it. By the time you stop getting the euphoria, you've become so used to beating the anxiety that it no longer feels new. Instead it feels normal.


This is going to sound harsh, but think of her, not of yourself. The whole reason your anxiety has got this bad is because you are focusing only on yourself: your thoughts, your feelings, your damaged confidence, your agoraphobia. Part of recovering is learning to live outside your own head, your own world, and exist in the real world of work and laughter and companionship and fresh air and animals and weather.

I lost my last girlfriend to anxiety. Every atom in my body wants to be with her. It hurts so much I could cry sometimes, even now, even though at the time I was relieved we'd agreed to end it for a good reason, and not for lack of loving each other. I failed to appreciate her, or put myself in her shoes (metaphorically speaking). I failed to show how much I loved her. I never bought her gifts or took her anywhere. In her place, I could see only myself. Now she's gone, and while we've stayed friends and still talk occasionally, she has moved on from me, she has met someone else and she's never coming back.

Don't do what I did: don't choose the anxiety over the woman you love. Pick her. Tell the anxiety to go and screw itself. If that means walking around the block and facing the lightning-strike of anxiety, then from one man who has lost his love to another man who still has his, FACE IT. Face it every day until anxiety loses its meaning and the colour comes back into your life. Face it until the day comes when you feel able to book a meal for you both in a restaurant. Choose her over the illness. I'll get on my knees and beg you if it helps.


I know everything you are saying is absolutely 100% right. I do need to stand up to it and beat it. Everyday i say F you anxiety i am stronger than you, it works for a bit, i feel happy and almost like the old me, but the "what if" thought pops in and it takes me over no matter how hard i try to get out of it. It is a terrible cycle. As afraid as i am of medicine, i am thinking about taking one of these Ativans to get some peace for a little bit. I have Cymbalta also but i have heard nightmares about it, i am extremely afraid to take it.

[Sunflower2]

No poet that's one of the most inspiring posts I've read for a while here. Thank you, it's given me a kick just reading it. Anxiety really can take away everything you care about in life.

[depressedandbroken]

@NoPoet I am trying to beat the physical symptoms by exercising (i have been lifting weights, and doing yoga (it is way harder then it looks) with my fiancee, she has been doing it for years. Also i have been eating healthy (my cholesterol is a bit high) and think happy thoughts. I am going to see a Psychiatrist tomorrow morning, hopefully i can get my life back on track. even as short as this has been, you have been a very big help and i would like to continue talking to you if that is okay.

[Davit]

Is this really how you think you can eliminate anxiety? You know if you fight it you will fight it forever. Then who is the bully. There is a better way. But never mind, do this exposure therapy and tell me after it works cause I for one don't believe it does.

[depressedandbroken]

Is this really how you think you can eliminate anxiety? You know if you fight it you will fight it forever. Then who is the bully. There is a better way. But never mind, do this exposure therapy and tell me after it works cause I for one don't believe it does.



What do you suggest, Davit?

I am focusing on accepting this is anxiety and trying to better myself by exercising, eating better and seeing a Psychiatrist. The physical symptoms i am having are totally different from the symptoms when i leave the house and panic.

[Davit]

There is a better way, but it takes time and starts with the behavioural side of CBT. It starts with relaxation techniques and moves on to coping skills when the relaxation techniques are mastered. See you need them to do the coping skills. Coping skills include mindfulness, distractions and other techniques found in top tips. And yes some of them are mine. After you get these mastered, about two weeks to a month you should feel some relief and be able to take small steps doing things. At too months you should be able to do big things using these techniques. Going to a restaurant and getting panicky but shutting it down. Using the coping skills so you can stay. You should leave saying "I can do this". Continuing to use coping skills will get it into your head that yes you can do this despite the panic. Anxiety is not the enemy, anxiety is normal, how you think about it is not normal. Healthy body, healthy mind. Endorphins are good for the mind. But they don't last. Now you could stop at this point because with the coping skills it will get easier or you can take the next step and find and eliminate the reason for anxiety in the first place. This will take the most time if you choose to do this. Finally you change thought patterns so none of it can ever come back. Harder than telling anxiety to get lost true but after six months there should be no anxiety to have to tell to get lost. The interfering factor will be your core beliefs. How many and how bad determines how long you will take before you can leave the house without any anxiety. It can be done, but pills are easier. Pills are a coping mechanism, they don't cure anything.They do as a coping mechanism make it easier to do the rest.