The Inability To Be Happy .... What the hell is wrong in my head.....

[ShellyTai]

Good Morning everyone,
I've not posted for a while.....have been trying to deal with myself and the health anxiety .... but here we go - in the pits of hell once again.....
I've had health anxiety on & off for 20 years now .....
I've been convinced I've had a brain tumour / liver cancer / stomach cancer / cancer of the oesophagus / pancreatic cancer / throat cancer and the current one is breast cancer !!! :lac:

Has anyone else noticed a pattern in themselves and their HA.
My pattern seems to be .... something gets painful .... I go to the dr in a full blown panic .... can't accept when the dr tells me that there's nothing wrong .... start Sertraline .... in hell for the 1st few weeks while it gets into my system .... start to feel better .... a few months later, decide that I'm better without the sertraline .... come off it .... I'm fine for a few months, almost manic ..... then bang, something else comes along - and we start the whole cycle again :shrug:
Result is - I'm on and off Sertraline a few times in a year (doesn't help at all, I know .... and it's stupid)....and my anxiety is up and down like a yo-yo.

I feel like I can't let myself be happy .... we're planning our family holiday for October - everyone's so excited .... except me !!! This HA is telling me that I won't be going on the family holiday - cause by that time, I'll be really sick or dead .....
I'm fed up looking at my kids - crying cause I'm afraid I won't see them grow up ....
I feel like I'm missing out on my life ...... it's passing me by - while I battle this HA in my head every day.....
Does anyone else feel like this ???? I think I'm getting worse as I get older !!!
So sorry for waffling - thanks for listening .....

xxxxx

[Blonde123]

Aw Shelly big hugs xx I seem to move from one thing to another, anxiety creeps out from nowhere. one minute your happy, the next a big black cloud is over you. I guess yo yoing on and off meds wont help but just think if you spend all your life panicking and live to 90, youll feel worse for spending those 90 thinking you were never gonna grow old! Easier said than done I know, but give it a go. Im a nurse and I cant unsee some of the horrible things Ive seen patients go through. Sometimes its a career I wish Id never joined because it makes my HA go though the roof sometimes and I now have a tnedancy to project my patients illness onto my self. I found a lump in my boob because everyone around me at that time was being diagnosed with breast ca. Fortunately mine was fine but for months it made me really ill.

[dittarco]

Hi Shelly...

I was just telling my husband the same thing last night. "Why am I so afraid to be happy?"

Everything you said in your post is the exact same issue that I (and most people on this forum) deal with daily. I, too, have had HA for 20+ years and I am now even more frustrated with the ups and downs since I have a 1 year old. She needs my attention.. and I need to provide a positive, healthy environment for her. Some days, it's just not happening. Those are the hardest days; makes me feel like a failure as a mom.

I think what most of us fail to do is focus on all the good qualities that come from having our personality. Yep - good qualities. So instead of worrying about illnesses (which, we can't control and drives us mad), let's list all the great stuff about us.

1. You want to be their for your family, friend, etc. for a long time. This means you are loving, loyal, generous, and dependable.
2. You pay attention to detail. Sure, maybe too much detail.. but you also can use this to your advantage when planning awesome adventures for you and your family.
3. You instill healthy habits in yours and your family's life. I bet you do.. and I bet they're very grateful for it.

and the list goes on...

my HA goes in cycles too.. depends on the stressors... if I hear someone I know or something I know through someone has cancer -- boom, it's set-off.

Figure out those triggers and spend the time changing how you react to them.

Also - did you grow up around negative people? this has a lot to do with it too. My family was always so doom and gloom... their outlook on life was not happy or healthy.

Change that cycle for your kids and they will be grateful..

You'll be going on that trip and in November you will be telling us all about it!

[lyndau63]

Hi,

I think the others have said it all but just wanted you to know I understand. That is exactly how I am...afraid to be happy. yesterday I came home from doctor full of beans and by this afternoon I was back there thinking I had another lump! he reassured me but then when I get home I start thinking 'Did I show him the right place? etc etc.'
I find the pattern for me is whether I have something stressful going on in my life and when I am looking forward to something (like your holiday) . Holidays for me are a really big panic time. My GP says it is my emotional barometer. My dad has just had cancer at the same time as my Mum has been in hospital for nearly 12 weeks so I have been stressed out about that and, of course, I think that because dad has had it twice I am bound to get it...mind you he is 90! My husband always says it is my brain, not my body that has gone wrong
Hope you soon feel better.

[emmalj0]

Hi you guys sound exactly like me i have been plagued with ha since age 11 im now 31. The past 2 years i have worried over a lump i have its close to my breast where my underwire sits. Its not grown its not fixed to skin. Iv had an ultrasound seen every dr possible but because they wont remove it i question how do they know for sure its nothing.

i too have children aged 4 and 1 and i try to stay happy and positive around them but its hard somedays when thinking your dying.

im currently waiting cbt for my ha iv joined no panic hoping talking to people the same as me will help me suppress my feelings.

feel free to message me if anyone wants to talk.

emma