Please I need to talk/help

[TinkerStars]

Today I told my mother something that had been bothering me and causing me anxiety for a very long time. Something that I hold a lot of guilt about and that hurts me. I hadn't been thinking about it until I had a breakdown about a month ago, but this doesn't seem to be letting up at the moment. I've been on citalopram 10mg for two weeks and then today I took my first 20mg. I don't know what is causing this extreme anxiety as it was here before I took the 20mg pill, but its possibly (TMI) my period. I didn't know that it could cause anxiety in such force? I feel like I'm back to square one, but worse since I have all the exhaustion from the tablets and the feelings of the side effects from the tablets. I don't think I can cope with this anxiety anymore, I told my mum I wanted to die again and I hate that this comes out my mouth, but the fact that this continues to happen it makes life seem worthless. I feel sick, tired, anxious, foggy brain and just generally irritated. This thing I told my mum I don't think I'll even get over since I was young and can't do anything about it now and it causes me anxiety in everyday life while my anxiety/depression is at such a high level. I just can't seem to rationalize anything about my life and find it hard to get past every few hours rather than just one full day. I can't take anymore time off work and will have to go in tomorrow, but I feel like I might just breakdown and this is causing me to worry even more. This feeling is so lonely, I feel isolated in myself and with these obsessive intrusive thoughts. I just want to feel better, feel like someone other than this. I'd be fine if it weren't even the old me and just not struggling every moment of each day and just trying to keep a lid on things. I don't really have anyone to open up to other than my mum and I've told her enough that she doesn't and shouldn't need to know. So for now I'm just trying to get by with the citalopram and propanolol and telling myself to try and keep going, but its such a huge struggle. I've never had a breakdown before and I also never realized that I was dealing with anxiety/o.c.d/intrusive thoughts until all of it hit me at once with depression and suicidal thoughts. I hate all of it every single moment I hate myself and I can't seem to pull it back and just get on with life. My mum said something about me running from things for too long and now my body just wants to slow down and work things out. It came on 10 fold after I had to make a choice whether I was to move abroad or not and clearly it wasn't for me with how I reacted. I'm so scared I didn't know how unwell I was and find it so lonely to have to deal with it without being honest and having to hold things back from people as they really don't know how to react when I explain things to them. I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just struggling and have been struggling for a while. I really hope these tablets help lift my mood soon.

[Crystalhiggs]

Tinker I just want to say, hang on in there. Everything passes. Nothing stays the same. Are you sleeping? I know you said you were anxious before you increased the citalopram but you are at an early stage with it anyway and anxiety can be dreadful even at 10mg. I took it for a day and couldn't bear it! Try to relax, have a bath and an early night. I Know that's easy to say but if you can do some breathing exercises (in for 7, out for 11) just so your oxygen levels are normal and stress levels are reduced it will help. So sorry for you, you're not alone - I have found this site to be a godsend lately. I hope we can help you too xx

[TinkerStars]

Hi, Thank you for taking time to reply to my ramble. I can't seem to get myself up and put a bath on or do anything other than sit here and cry and go over things in my head. I didn't have too good a sleep the night before last and last night wasn't too good either, but better than the other night. I'm sure I'm still tired. I took Zoloft for 2 tablets and couldn't manage after that so I've gone back on the cit to see if this can help me to cope a bit better. I really hope this passes because I feel like I'm ruining my life in every way at the moment and I can't really open up to people other than tell them I'm dealing with anxiety and depression. I'll try the breathing to see if this will help and I do need to sleep somehow tonight. xx

[Crystalhiggs]

Can you gp refer you for some counselling? Do you think that might help too? I'm sure once the citalopram kicks in you'll be glad you stuck with it but believe me I know that anxiety and its hell to go through it. Yes do try the breathing you might think at first it isn't making a difference but if you try it for a couple of minutes you should notice a few minutes after that that you feel more relaxed. If that makes sense! :) you will get through this and you'll look back and be glad it's over, I promise!! X

[TinkerStars]

They have referred me to CBT, but waiting lists are huge as usual.

I've got an appointment with a counselor on Saturday morning that I'd have to pay for out of my own pocket and probably only manage twice a month, but I'm just at my wits end and don't really know what to do anymore.

Anxiety is hell and it seems to be more hell when you're hit with it and it doesn't leave :( xx

[Crystalhiggs]

The counsellor will really help. It's your time, your hour and they really do want to make a difference. Have a lovely sleep and fingers crossed you might feel a bit better in the morning x

[xvolatileheart]

Tinker, you are most definitely not alone. I went through a similar situation, thinking I was fine and dealing with everything in my life, until I was suddenly hit with panic attacks, constant anxiety and depression that completely overwhelmed me. Please believe that things will get better - stick with the tablets and seek help when you need it. I've been on citalopram for 2 weeks and I'm finding it a struggle too, but I know things will get better once this gets into my system and starts working properly.

There's great support here, we're here if you need to chat!

[TinkerStars]

I hope they'll help because my brain won't shut off and its horrible.

I don't think I'm going to get much sleep tonight I feel really on edge.

Thank you xvolatileheart. How many mg have you been on for the two weeks?
Feeling like this has made me feel like I can't control myself or my life anymore and its becoming a slippery slope and I'm not able to or strong enough to bring myself back up because of the overwhelming thoughts and intrusive thoughts.

I hope things start to pick up for you and the citalopram work for you.

[jillycoops5]

Tinker,
Stick with the citalopram they take time to kick in but it's worth it I am on 20 mg and today is day 14 and the days are getting better and anxiety is better than before i took the meds not gone but not so bad. Counselling is good too. My doctor gave me relaxation excercise to do which i do when i go to bed and believe it or not i go out like a light ,i still wake up some nights after a few hours but have managed to get back to sleep with breathing excercises like crystal said. If you look on Patient.co.uk for relaxation excercises it should come up with muscular relaxation and deep breathing excercises it is the muscular excercise i do in bed. Both of the ecxercises have helped me, the deep breathing ones help me when i can feel my anxiety getting worse. Hope this helps a little bit your definately not alone and this site is a godsend xx

[xvolatileheart]

Have you struggled with sleep for a while? My sleep has been bad the past few weeks but even worse since starting the cit. It's the side effect that is driving me crazy, I wake up constantly and can't get back to sleep because I'm so on edge. :mad:

I've only been on 10mg so far, but I have a review next week and the GP is likely to put me up to 20mg.

A lot of us feel the same way - that overwhelming, helpless, hopeless feeling. But so many people here are proof that sticking with meds and therapy can get us out of this dark hole. It does take time though.

[Dan1975]

It might help you to share the thing that you shared with your mum. We don't know you from Adam, so could help you with it impartialy. Defo stick with the meds for a good 6 weeks.