hi looking advice

[losty]

Hi
I guess I'm here as I am reaching a strange point in life,
I'm not sure exactly what's happening anymore I feel like I would just like it to end in fact I would go so far as to say I'm looking forward at times to death I dont want to end my life but I am craving peace
I no longer feel as though I want to keep fighting

I'm not sure if this is the right place to be but I'm looking for something
I should give u background I'm a 36 year old guy with two great children 1has been diagnosed with learning difficulties also my partner has an older child living with us who has social problems to the extent we have to constly watch there behaviour especially around younger kids I won't elaborate
I have dyslexia and a horrendous childhood which left deep scars

Work is difficult I work two jobs year round while trying
while I struggle to fit in at work recently nearly in a brawl at one job with co workers more chatty to the person who was threatening me often I'm the butt of jokes
I am constantly frustrated by refusal by mangers to provide training despite contestant requests when required thus recently just avoided redundancies due to blind luck I suspect
This is despite constantly working hard and clearing up others mistake I mean what's the point anymore

I'm physically fit active but am finding harder to keep up in my sports martial arts football and struggle with weight and image issues
Relationships arntt great between my partner I have tried but just can't seem to get it right were at the point it's more habit then anything
She's doesn't do romance nor indicate any kind of intimacy physical or spiritual I'm craving a connection if that makes sense

Friend wise I've lost most of my social circle . Partly due to my partners and partly due to me feeling like I'm a charity case/agony aunt/last resort I feel that I just want a decent friend who shows loyalty as I have done instead of being dumped on

Symptoms I'm feeling unexplained chest pains sleeplessness tiredness lack of joy excitement bone weary tiredness major loneliness
I'm now getting paranoid that people say I'm hard to understand when I talk I talk lazy apparently it is making me not want to speak he'll I'm forcing myself to keep the mask on every day and crawl out of bed

I'm just done and have no clue how to turn it around help apologise for any typos thanks for reading

[Davit]

My last partner was dyslexic, she had a hard time understanding me. Mostly she got numbers backwards. Sometimes she thought things were broke when they weren't. It never bothered me. I've never been harassed at work, I would have left.
I lived with a woman that had two girls that were not mine. Lot of strife there I'll tell you.

I've had a lot of time in hospital and wanted to end it but never did for which I'm glad. I did manage to sort things out including having to go on a disability pension that was only 8,000.00 dollars a year. 4,325 pounds. Not a lot. Spent my saving, had to sell my farm.

I picked up the pieces and got on with life. I wasn't easy and I'm damn near broke again.

So I probably know what you are saying but listen you can always find a reason to go on.
Negative feeds negative and makes it seem worse than it is. I mean, I'm smiling because I got rained out and now it is snowing with the rain. I needed a cup of tea anyway. I'll just find something to do inside, make an apple pie or something. I do have one advantage, except for two cats I'm the only one I have to make happy and some days that can be hard too.

[kevtheman]

Hi Losty, this is my very first message in any thread on the site but I hope that I can bring some light into your life - just a little maybe?
Your story is sad in several respects but you are not lost (as your forum name suggests). I wonder if "Losty" is a reflection on the way you see yourself.
You are a father with two children of your own - that's not the sign of a looser, which you seem to view yourself as. Fathering children is a major event in itself, difficult, challenging, requiring wisdom and strength of character and you could not have come this far in the process without these worthy virtues - well done!

[losty]

Thank you for your replies its good to see that change is possible I'm just not sure how, I guess its a slow process and I'm only regconising there is problem now or beginning

I guess I should focus on the positive aspects I do consider myself to be a strong person I'm jus tired of having to fight constantly I just want to at times let whatever this is have its way and retreat

Lol I know positive mental attude is what gets u through but I dunno anymore its a problem that's getting worse anxiety panic depression I'm not sure

Thanks for listening I'm sure there's worse then me out there its just I need to talk maybe once I can name it I can fight it

[Oosh]

Hiya

I can relate to where you are a lot. Write down what you'd realistically like your life to look like and aim for it. Attainable goals, an attainable way to earn a living that removes that stress that drives you into the ground. I hated the workplace. All the politics, arse kissing, needing to be certain ways with others. I eventually went self employed and all that's hopefully in the past now and I feel the benefit.

Separate your problems, write about them and look for solutions to each one. Don't just continue waking up and being in the same place every day, it makes you depressed.

Give yourself some space to think and get a bit of perspective. Go hiking occasionally or something. You can't have a minute to think with all that going on.

Swimming, hiking, find a place to think.

[losty]

I think that sounds like a good plan, I don't think I've ever concisely thought about what I want out of life or how to get it

I think I've spent to long drifting along and not focusing on the important stuff,

Also it will be helpful to start to analysis why I'm anxious and fearful constantly, lol my job is science related but I don't think I've ever applied the investigation process to my own psych

Possibly I'm not to keen to poke around to deeply in there and it has allowed the demons to fester.

I had a good day today did coursework, cooked dinners for my mother and family and got out for a good long training session and spent good quality time at home

Throughout each of these I tried to watch out for the moments of negativity and sqash em
Easier in karate class as you get slapped for being distracted lol but harder in other areas
Like football cycling coursework think I try to compare myself to an internal ideal and when it doesn't go as planned the floodgates start to creak open

However When I got home I found that although physically tired and sore I was more at peace the common theme being I wasn't at work, I'm wondering if maybe I need a pysicsly challenging job unfortunately I'm a bit old for service

I do have an interview for a different job coming up but even if successful I can't take it as its to low paid ive to many depending on me to walk away but perhaps simply attending interviews is in itself will be good training for a job that I am ment to do down the line

I have to go into my second job tomorrow last minute and can feel the chest tightening at the thought of it

But I'm gonna try to ride out the bosses crappy attude and focus on the peacefully feeling I had once I got in maybe I can try to train myself to mentally exist in it

Sorry for rambling post just venting I guess thanks for the advice so gar finding even reading about others situation helpful

Hopefully I can offer some decent insights over time