Dad deliberately triggering anxiety- advice?

[Emilym80]

Hi all,

I was wondering if anyone has advice for me on this or has had similar experiences themselves. I'm hesitant to use the term "trigger", given the connotation it's accrued recently, but I don't know how else to describe it.

My dad is an odd guy. He's not a bad person but he doesn't communicate well and has a bit of an odd sense of humour and really likes to stir people up, so to speak. Anyway, he knows I have GAD and Health Anxiety more specifically and he likes to trigger it because he gets a kick out of it; it's as if there's a disconnect between his knowledge of how I feel and how he believes I feel in the moment.

For instance, we'll be having dinner and I'll say I forgot to hand some work in to my tutor (etc) and he'll go "oh, Alzheimer's". Even though I shouldn't listen, my thoughts start to race and I begin to question and wonder if this is actually the case. My mum's told me that at times the blood visibly drains from my face because I immediately feel so anxious and he laughs at me, because he thinks it's really funny. It causes days of fretting and worrying. He has a Master's in Psychology, so I am quite certain he knows the mechanisms of GAD. He has Social Anxiety himself, so he obviously understands how irrational anxiety feels, too.

I'm at a bit of a loss because we're closer now than we ever have been (we didn't have a good relationship until a couple of years ago) and I know he doesn't fully realise how much it upsets me... but I don't know how to ask him to stop. I've said many times that it makes me anxious when he says that kind of thing and he apologises, but doesn't really mean it. My mum sometimes tells him off, but he gets upset (he's very sensitive) and says he's siding against her, so she typically just gives him a reproachful look or ignores it altogether.

He does it all the time and I don't want this to damage our relationship, but he doesn't listen when I ask him to stop and it's making me a lot more anxious! Any advice, please?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Some blokes are like this, Emily. We tend to take the mick out of each other but this type of humour doesn't always work outside of a bunch of blokes getting hammered or watching the footie. There are always boundaries as well and someone going too far would find themselves on the end of an argument between mates.

Communication & education spring to mind. I find it strange in someone with anxiety, I've never come across a fellow sufferer who makes light of anothers condition other than when they believe somebody may be more trivial in their issues but its never in a jokey way or even a nasty way, its just by way of comparison and to get perspective of the issues. I wonder how he would like it if a non sufferer told him he was pathetic for being afraid of being in social situations because somebody who is ignorant of these disorders could do that in anger and I doubt he would like it.

I think he needs to be a bit more sensitive to your needs. The fact your mum tells him off and he reacts badly would suggest he's a bit touchy about that or maybe its a male pride thing. Its natural for a mother to address that if she sees it is affecting her child, the same as it would be for a father to. Otherwise, by not saying something she is condoning that behaviour (which can be out of keeping the peace but its still wrong as it just makes you take the blame).

Another possibility is that he is doing it to lighten the mood or get you to see it as a lighter issue. Only he would know that.

My dad can be a bit off with this stuff on occassion and he's had a piece of my mind about it several times but I'm a lot older than you. The result is a big huff because he's my dad and should always be right. The reality is, we are both adults and respect goes both ways and just because you are a parent, it doesn't mean you can disrepect your children. He's in his seventies so he's set in his ways and I just let it go afterwards and try to be the bigger person by apologising for what I say even though he doesn't for his part in it (old fashioned father type that way, male pride, etc). Outside of family, I wouldn't be the same as this though because I would have no need to back down to keep the peace so I would be standing my ground on issues and if people didn't like it, well, thats just tough!

I'm not a parent so I feel a bit limited on advice here. Hopefully some parents will come along and offer their perspective.

P.S. I don't think your dad is pathetic due to social anxiety, its just a way of flipping things around the other way.

[Oosh]

Maybe he thinks he is helping you by making light of and ridiculing these ideas about health anxiety. If you two have a good relationship it's not likely he is making these comments out of cruelty. Part of recovering is learning to make light of what can be so scary and damaging to your mood.

I've used it on here to ridicule people's fears so they can see the harmless idiot under the ghost sheet. Make fun of it and take its power away.

Humour is often used to diffuse difficult emotions. Police officers develop a strong sense of humour to deal with the difficulties they face in their working day. Your dad is a psychologist, it's likely he has cultivated a similar sense of humour.

So, you can try seeing his humour in a different way. See it as his attempt to help in his own way by pointing out to you the ridiculousness of associating everything with an ailment. He's ridiculing the concept, not you, maybe. Maybe he's hoping by doing this consistently that you too learn to see how ridiculous it is and dismiss it in the same way more easily ?

Again, it's not likely his goal is to hurt.

If seeing it in a different way like this doesn't help you deal with it there's always the fact that, maybe, in reality, what its doing to you is just giving you health anxiety suggestions which then get into your head and bother you. Maybe this is a concept, being a psychologist he can grasp. If you were to talk to him, email him saying how you understand his attempts to make light of your worries but what it's actually doing is giving you negative suggestions where before there were none and just creating new things for you to become neurotic about.
Maybe if he understands his attempts are failing he will accept this and change.
But it may be difficult as a sense of humour like that is widely thought of to help dealing with difficulties and he may be reluctant to be swayed from this method he's learned.

Him asking for your mums support in this certainly points to him feeling there is a method to his actions and that it's not just him being brainless and cruel.

Try mocking suggestions of health anxiety too. I certainly use it. Lots of stuff I've learned uses it too.

One of the first times I hear it was when people would give you advice on how to help you deal with a scary boss or something and they'd say picture them naked, maybe with a silly voice, a tiny head etc
It takes the fear and importance out of it.

Your dads subtext may be "listen to how ridiculous it sounds" and he may mean well.

Just some ideas anyway.

Cool to have a psychologist for a dad though. I'm jealous.
Imagine him with a tiny head and a silly voice. Might make you feel better :)

[Emilym80]

Hi guys,

Thanks for that. I know he's only trying to help, but I'm nowhere near close enough to being recovered to be able to make light of things a lot of the time. Sometimes, I think I can, but oftentimes it just upsets me.

Also, my dad has never practiced in a clinical setting; he works in research/HR.

[Oosh]

Yeh I can relate to you feeling too sensitive to deal with his comments right now. Maybe another attempt at communicating with him then, an email maybe.
If that doesn't work cellotape his mouth up maybe. :D

[Davit]

See for me, I would have come back with, "no, part timers, all the timers is for old farts"to see what reaction I got.

I guess I'd be a bit more tolerant if I had a Dad. I don't have any family, just a brother who disowned me.

Last lady to live here had a masters in sociology but made snide remarks all the time. Some people are just like that.