OCD, Murder, Paedophilia, a glance into my life!!!

[iliketoworry]

[:P]
Hi everyone
Ive had ocd now for over a year, it has been the worst experience of my life. I dont know anyone else who suffers from it and I usually feel alone which is why I joined this site.
My OCD first came about when I watched a film about a pedophile, I started thinkin what makes this guy different from me? why am i not like that? perhaps i am? OH MY GOD IM A PAEDOPHILE!! After that i went into a downward spiral of bad thoughts and panic attacks. Apparantly I have intrusive ruminations which means in any situation where an average person would think, I must be careful not do do that, i think, thats the worst possible thing to do then get the urges as if im going to do it!! This includes stabbing people, pushing people downstairs, throwing hot coffee on them, the list goes on and on!!This gives me immense anxiety!! Why do we have to suffer with this eh!!!

I hope you can relate to this so that you get that tiny window of axiety free time knowing that your not a murder, paedophile, bad person or someone whos going to do something bad or harm someone else, your just someone with an unfortunate and common disorder.

My Regards to you all


p.s Dont forget.......ITS ALL IN OUR HEADS!!!!!!!!

[mazz]

Hi there firsty what you said at the end is right this is an unfortunate and common disorder.Axn can make you think all weird thoughts that we know are never going to happen.Try and distract yourself (easier said than done)push the thoughts to one side ....like ... iam not interested ok.... Have you had meds ? i,d rather not myself and iam getting stronger .
Mazz

[mazz]

PS Things do get better and welcome to the site
Mazz

[iliketoworry]

Yeah im on Citalopram, have been for ages now, I feel a lot better than I did but have forgotton what its like not to be on them!!
Thanks for the advise!!

[bri]

Hi ya mate. Your not alone i,m proberley just the same as you i used to think i was a peodophile that was a horrible anxiety, I dont worry about that really now, I worry now is i,m going to loose control & hurt my daughter i cant seem to get rid of this 1, get scared incase my worry gets to much that i do end up loosing control thats the worrying part that you think{your going to do sumtime, or go on do it or its not guilt you feel is hate & if your thinking it _ it must be real} That was thoughts.
& now i,m getting the same violent thoughts at work against my work mates. If i talk to a work mate violent thought cums in then i think anxiety goes up or is that the sign that i,m going to loose control, that part i hate because after that i get deppressed because i dread next time. is that sort of what any1 else gets. thanks BRI

[iliketoworry]

Hi Bri,
Yeh, I think you and I are pretty similar, after my angsiety level went down after the peadophile thing it went into more generic worry about LOSING CONTROL and basically worrying that I was going to go mad and do something that I do not contiously control!!!
I find it amasing when I read these posts at how similar these worries are and the fact that the obbsession travels from one thing to another. Why do we worry about somthing one minute then move onto the next thing but not worry about the first thing!!???:D

[bluebottle]

As Claire Weekes would say, they are just the thoughts of a tired mind. Very common, don't fight them, let them come, and remember the way you feel. You know 100% that these are things that you hate, that is why they come into your mind. If you really liked these things you wouldn't worry about them. Don't be hard on yourself guys, your good people.

--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."

[bri]

Today at work the worry starts when if i,m talking to sum1 thiught or image ithink there mainly images quick flashes of me loosing control, by smacking the person infront of me. So if i,m talking 4 ages if feels uncomfartable & horrible until they go away, I sort of feel ok until next time, This goes alday at work & also when i get home. I get the same thoughts against my daughter it gets very tyring, has any1 got anybooks that they can reckamend or anything. cheers

[iliketoworry]

Hi Bri
I suffer the exact same thing, I get urges to hurt people at work too, I used to help my dad as a builder so you can imagine it was pretty hard using power tools etc!!!
I suffer with ocd and intrusive ruminations, I dont know if youve been diagnosed with a similar thing although your symptoms are very similar to mine I think!!
I've had some cbt therapy and my therapist reccomended this book...

Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive disorder
A self help guide using cognitive behavoral techniques

By David Veale & Rob willson

Ive looked on ebay and there is a copy on there at the mo if you type in OCD

This book did help me to understand my condition a little more and gave advise on what to do and not to do in reguard to the intrusive ruminations. Some of the book I found relevant other parts not so much but it did give me a big insight into the OCD condition as a whole, which can only be a good thing i think.

I hope this helps!!
:D

[sal]

I relate to what you are saying completely and i know how hard it is to believe in the person you were before the thoughts intruded.

Every bad day i get they are still there.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[smithjam1]

Hi

This is just anxiety building up in side you, you will not do the things that you head is telling you. I once watched a news programme about a man who killed someone and then I suddenly had the same feelings and it scared the hell out of me. I went to the Doctor and he said that It was just anxiety and I wouldn't actually do those things and I was ok after that. The mind has a funny way of playing tricks on you. Nothing is going to happen, you sound like a good person, if you look through the OCD books, websites you will see that this happens to a lot of people with this condition. It is really difficult when it happens to you

Thanks
J

[smiffy]

Hi all

First post,i get the same urges,but mine are mainly things like,if i stand on something tall,like a building or if i am working on scaffold i just want to jump off,or if i am working near water i just want to jump in,or if i cook i want to put my hand on the hotplate.When i drive down the street i want to deliberatley crash my car.that sort of thing,i have been on citalopram now for around 3 weeks,due to depression.i used to get lots of suicidal thoughts to,usually every day/or night.But since i been on citalopram things are slowly easing.

[iliketoworry]

Hi smiffy

Yeah I get those urges to crash my car too, i used to love driving so its ruined it a bit for me!!
I also used to have suicidal thoughts, but the medication eased that a lot for me so hopfully you'll see your symptoms really ease off too, I found it just gets better and better with time!!

Kind Regards

iliketoworry :D

[bri]

The reason why i worry so much with these violent thoughts & images, is because i can physiclly do or act out these horrible acts, & its like i,m stopping myself everytime, i have not acted out any of my worries but why do i get these all the time even tho i woudnt do it. Its that anxiety you get when you think your were about 2 do it thats horrible, can any1 relate 2 that.
bri its nearly the WKEND YEH!!

[smiffy]

One of my worst ones is whenever i am speaking to someone,it can be anyone,i just wanna punch them in the face,for no reason at all.so i find myself trying not to be around people because i am so scared i might actually do it to someone,i don't think this all the time,but quite alot.and bri it is nearly the weekend,and i am off to doevon for a couple of days..


yipee

[iliketoworry]

Bri I know exactly what you mean!!!

You get the urge as if your 100th of a second away from actually doing something really bad but for some reason you manage to stop your self!!! Its so scary because you think that you almost did it that time and dont feel fully in control of yourself and the actions of your body!!! I also get really worried because I know ive only got to act on one of these urges and i'll have ruined my life!!!!!
However, on I think that ill do one of these things and my life will be ruined however i could get run over and killed by a bus tomorrow which would not be my fault at all, so theres no point worrying!!! This doesn't seem to stop the intrusive thoughts though!!!!

[bri]

Yeh that sounds right what you say that your 100th of a second of loosing control. Thats the horrible part thinking you were close 2 doing it, i also get if i,m thinking it all the time i,ll give in2 it & act on it is that the same 4 you lot. & i seem 2 worry about the future with this worry [ie i,ll proberly act on it in the future] What sort of feelings do you get when you start worrying, i get like i want 2 hide from it all deppressed heart beating like mad no sence of reality, i mean i cant just say 2 myself its ocd thats making me feel like this it wont sink in. I've read overcoming OCD imp of the mind by lee bare & its all in there but i just dont believe that i'm normel!! i've had 4 21yrs so i'm sure i can take more. watch out 4 them great whites in devon!!! what youse up2 2 nite then.
THE 4EVER WORRIER BRI

[iliketoworry]

I've read it all in a book too, you can see the similarities to yourself but for some reason you just dont believe that its all down to ocd!!! For a long time I was convinced I was going insane!! I still do think that im going to end up in prison for something i'll do in the future!!! When I worry i get that surge of adrenaline and butterflies in my stomach which I sometimes realise ive had all the time for days!!!

Im determined to work out how this ocd thing actually works and how to control/ get rid of it!! I really think it must have something to do with the way we percieve life and our characteristics as a whole!! It would be interesting to see if people with similar syptoms had similar personalities etc!!

The one good thing is that its all getting recognised a lot more now so a cure or something might occur in the future...who knows!!!
Anyone heard of the reasearch thats going on with psylocybin?? (the hallucinogen from magic mushrooms!!!) Some peopke claim that when they ingest this chemical their ocd dissapears for a couple of weeks at a time!! I find that amazing but dont think i'll be searching around fields for oddly shaped funghi anytime soon!!!!

[Filthy1]

hey just found this post!
Im really struggling with the whole peadophile thing at the mo, I used to get panic attacks over this for a while when i was younger and now its seems to have returned after a few months of anxiety over my relationship (which has been described as ocd). Anyway just seeing a kid is enough to set me off liek my mind will tell me "your looking at that kid in a sick way, you;re feeling something" even though Im not and I dont and Its not me at all! Its really freaking me out at the moment and because I haven been diagnosed with anything it makes it much more dificult!

but, like you say, if i was really one of those people thenI wouldnt be on here worrying about it and hating it so much. I dont even really get images flashing thru my brain, itsmore a worry that "what if i do". Its affecting my physical relationship with my boyfriend at the moment and I really dontw ant it to destroy what was a great physical relationship.

[Evilmop]

Im sorry to ressurect such an old post however, I have been having the murderous thought also.

I have not been diagnosed with OCD however I have seen a councillor and the original reasons for me going are due to thoughts just like this. At the time though I did not discuss this with councillor due to fear I was going to be incarcerated as a risk to society.

Im awaiting a phsyciatric test from the doctors and such, but I will be shocked If I am diagnosed with antyhing except OCD.

Previous posters are right with how incredibly similiar these thoughts are from person to person. Its failry astonishing.

[bumbles]

I know exactly how u feel, we all have the same wierd thoughts lifes tabboo subjects its daft innit. Love to all of you. xxxx

[Ryanthegunner]

Wow. Ive been reading this. Its sounds just like what im having. It does make me feel a bit better that im not the only one with these messed up thoughts. I think maybe i have something else wrong with me. Does anyone get like spells like a month long then it goes for a few weeks/ months?

[dante]

well i know how you all feel, i have it all the time now i never seem to have a break from it.i spend all my time worrying that what if i do act on my thoughts, even a small one like smash a cup,i sometimes find that i can cope but like now its all directed at my family and people i work with, even tho i know it ocd it doesnt help, i know i have to just accept the thoughts and just let them go but i feel like i am at war withmyself.

[Sophiee]

This is exactly what i'm having, it's scaring the life out of me. I'm constantly worrying and the thoughts just won't go away. I haven't been to the doctors and have no idea what to do, it's really affecting my life. xxxxx

[Deadgirl]

omg you lot have just helped me so much, i have this!! i thought i was schizophrenic but i haven't heard voices, i have exactly what you describe, and it terrifies me, i wanted to talk to my councilor about it when i have it, but i was too scared in case she thought i had lost it and locked me up, how do i go about telling her this?

[trismantis]

I cannot believe I have just found this thread. Amazing. It's as if i'm reading my own posts. I have exactly the same fears as people here.
I tend to get bored or go off them at certain points, but eventually i'll latch on to a new one.

I have seen a counsellor about this and it took me ages to pluck up the courage to tell him some of the stuff that goes on in my head. When i did, he just smiled at me and said that he only deals with mild mental issues (anger, stress, anxiety etc) and if I was seriously mucked up I wouldn't be sitting there.
He did mention that some people that suffer like us, tend to be a bit more sensitive to the world - by that I mean, listening to the news and being so shocked/appalled by the story that you think it over, and try and work out why it happened....that is definitely the case for me...

The counseling never really sorted the route of the problem (anxiety and why i have it) but it did help me a little to understand that I can get through it.

Sorry for this long post, but let me also say, that 3 years ago I went traveling around the world, and during the year and a half away, I only had one mild anxiety attack. I think my relaxed state of mind was key.
Now I am back, so is the anxiety...

TM

[Howzat1980]

Hi there...thank god for you opening up on this forum...for ages, years, since i was very young i have thought i was going insane...thought that "if people really knew the thoughts in my head" they would lock me up and throw away the key. The thoughts get worse and worse but i know (or think i know) that i am a good person and would never harm any one or anything..unfortunately these thoughts have caused me to harm myself in the past.

I am due to go into therapy soon, funded by my employer as i have just returned to work from 8 weeks sick leave for depression. They needed to know what kind of therapy i needed so i just started looking online about bad thoughts of sex or violence or both and seeing that it isnt just me being some sick woman is a huge relief and will certainly aide me in opening up to the cousilor.

[Thumbelina]

Yes, I have very distressing thoughts at times.

I am scared that somebody can see what is going on in my head...
It is reallly really debilitating as its like a vicious circle when you are embarressed and scared of acting on them, and scared in general...

You are not alone

Attitude and distruction help me often

[Mindy]

I do completely understand how your OCD started. Mine began after reading a horrific news story about a grandfather murdering his wife and grandkids and then becoming scared that I could just lose it any moment and kill my family, fun times, NOT! I have two little boys and it scared the daylights out of me! I was so anxious, but when I started to understand the nature of the condition, I realised that none of this is real and it just my worst fears playing on me.
I have had anxiety/ panic for 9-10 years and now OCD recently, but when I think back I have had it before, but just put it down to anxiety alone. I hope you feel better :)

[johansaken]

Yeah thanks for this. thought i was losing it. Been sufffering from GAD and Panic anxiety for about 13 years. Got thoughts like this a year ago. And they've been around. I got so scared at times when lying next to my wife in bed that I ran out of the room for the fear of harming her (which I would never do), just sat down shaking in the livingroom, taking atarax and waiting for it to go away. And yeah, movies, news everything starts it. Well not everything but really horrible stuff. I know Im good person and all. But you get so scared that you just dont know what to do anymore.

I havent spoken about this with anyone, cause I feel shameful and scared of what the other person will think.

NO MORE PANIC USERS ACROSS ALL THREADS: You give me peace in this live. Thank you all. I love you for giving me the gift of hope and life back :bighug1:

[luke1982]

Hey people i know exactly how you feel with regards to intrusive thoughts..i suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and i spent some time in hospital just want to let you all know things do get better with time and not to worry.
I had to give up my job because the thoughts of harming others or doing silly things were getting too much along with the auditory hallucinations and so on. I went on tablets and so far that seems to have cured my intrusive thoughts some what down side is im practically house bound now and have little to no friends any more and the only company during the day i get is with my own mind.
Im glad i have found this website to share my feelings with people who may understand and be able to shed some light on some of my thoughts and idea and its nice in a strange way to know other people out there are similar.
:)

[Cakey]

Yeah im on Citalopram, have been for ages now, I feel a lot better than I did but have forgotton what its like not to be on them!!
Thanks for the advise!!

I found that Citalopram makes me more anxious...