The "curl up and die" reaction

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

Wish I could've made this shorter but suppose it has to be said like this :/ I just want to know if anyone even understands this thought pattern.

Quick background: Asperger's, events, depression, panic, alcohol, hospital, now in a rehab unit for the mentally ill. Feeling like I'm gonna break down. There also seems to be some kind of cognitive deficit with my attention and memory, and unbearable anxiety.

I feel I'm letting myself go. I get so fed up with trying to find things to do. I find no joy in anything. Everything and everyone pisses me off for one reason or another. This isn't just a moan, this is chronic. I spend a lot of my time lying on the couch trying to sleep when I know full well I won't. I might put on a DVD, watch it for 10 minutes and then turn it off, cause it turned out I didn't want to watch it in the first place. I'm waiting all the time for my next calmer to take the edge of the madness of being inside my head.

I have very bizarre fantasies. I act strangely in my head like I'm making a stage show. When I lie on the couch I pretend I'm still at my flat lying on the floor and drinking. I even make squash and water so I can sip it and kid myself there's vodka in it. Even before I accidentally drunk myself into hospital I thought "Here we go, this is it, whatever happens happens". I suppose I got what I wanted didn't I? I want to start being sick all over myself and be back in hospital with drips in me and everything, being cleaned up by the nurses and lying in bed like an old helpless man, even though I'm 22.

I've been asked "Do I want to get better". It's such a strange question, but I suppose I understand it. Logically, I want to get better for my family's well being, my brother who'll need me in the future, and maybe a far off second chance. But at the heart of it, and I don't want to tell my family cause it'd upset them, no, I don't want to get better. I want a comfortable death. I'm almost certain I'll relapse after I get back home. I want to. I'm so messed up I feel there's no other alternative but to try to manage slowly killing myself without being too much of a hassle for the next few years.

I suppose I just want to know if anyone else understands this state of mind.

[Davit]

Oh yes I do, I fight it every day. It is far easier to do nothing every day but the reward is a lot less. When something goes wrong I usually end up standing there looking at it and thinking do I want to do this anymore. Do I want the pain anymore. Then I assess my capability and just do it. Like yesterday, my tractor ran out of fuel in the garden. It was just stupid and didn't have to happen but it did. I'll fix it. It will take time but at least I will get a sense of accomplishment. You need a sense of accomplishment, and a reason to do things and that reason has to be because you can, definitely not because you "have to". You already know you don't have to do anything. Think about it.

I'm 64, every minute I'm happy is a gift in a world of pain and sadness. You have a life ahead of you with all kinds of possibility. Use the anger to prove you can do something you think you can't, unless you really are as hopeless as you think you are, and nobody is.

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

Thanks, I want to add also I'm not sure what responses I'll get and I'm embarrassed about posting this really and I feel fragile. I know it's early days yet in my "recovery" but it's overwhelming. I've thought I could try to turn my thoughts into a story or something. But then, as equally as I'd be being productive wouldn't I also still be dwelling on the negative thoughts if I did that?

It's what everyone always tells me, you're negative negative negative, I'm always catastrophising about the worst things that could possibly happen. The positive thoughts only seem to come after I've had that dose of lorazepam and then I'm worried when will it wear off?

I've written some ideas of things to do to keep my mind off things and to me a successful day is just keeping myself out of bed. But I work myself up into such anxiety storms in my head.

[Davit]

No, done in small steps it is exposure as long as you know it is negative and not something you want. Then it is only facts and gives you something to counter with positive. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't fix it. So you are negative, so what, it is just something to fix. It doesn't help being told you are negative especially if they are part of the reason you are. Write the storey, it will surprise you what it gets you thinking.

---------- Post added at 09:16 ---------- Previous post was at 09:12 ----------

Why are you on lorazepam and not valium. Lorazepam has too short of a half life and is highly addictive. Because it is quick? Lousy answer.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Its a very very hard journey to go on which is made harder by your alcohol issues.

I can relate to some of what you say. I have black periods where I think there is no point recovering or even go through whole stages of it for a while. When I feel better, I want to recover but when I'm struggling, I will get to that point where I just wish it would end, whatever way that means, whether recovery or death.

I could never do that to my family but I've said in therapy that if they weren't there, it could have been a very different story because I wouldn't want to live like this. If you keep hurting people over & over, their emotions can become so strong that these thoughts come too. Its just when you have had enough and don't want to take anymore but it doesn't have to say that way, people do recover and you just need the right support to get you there.

[Davit]

Funny thing is My family didn't concern me, but my cats did. They would have to be put down for something they didn't do. I am a responsible person.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I would feel the same way about my dog, Davit. Its whoever you feel dearest too isn't it?

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

I just want my mum to come back from holiday so we can talk things out. I'm finding it difficult to understand what's happening around me, and living for the next time I go to sleep.

I think that's pretty much how I feel Terry, like there's no point. Everyone says my motive for recovery "has to be for me" but it's only my family that give me an excuse to carry on.

My grandma and uncle visited me yesterday and they kept assuring me that I was doing a lot better even if I didn't know it, but I still feel I'm getting worse every day. They saw me when I was happy cause I was with them.

My doctor back where I live reckons I could have OCD and it certainly has seemed like that for a long time. It doesn't matter how much I try I keep thinking all the nightmarish thoughts and watching TV or doing activities barely distracts me.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think you need to see this as a temporary stage. You've hit rock bottom. But you can have happy times as you've just said, so thats where it starts, thats where you recover from. If you can feel it then, you can feel it again more & more but its going to be a load of work.

You won't be alone in it, you've got family and your mum will be supporting you once she is back. So, I suggest you hold onto that and before you know it, you will be seeing her again.

OCD can make you think you are losing control of your mind and control over your body. It often brings depression with it. I have GAD & OCD so I've had plenty of times where my mood has sunk. But things do improve, but it does take time and it can be a rocky journey.

If it is intrusive thoughts that you struggle with, there are ways to resolve them. Look at the recent threads on the OCD board because most of them are intrusive thoughts.

For now, its all micro steps, nothing big, nothing too scary. Do things bit by bit. With depression they encourage this because the more you start to do these little things, the more you get that little peice of yourself back. This is how recovery starts and then things get easier and gain momentum.

Right now you can't see the possibilities, everything is black. This does change though, its just the normal stage of depression when you hits you.

Hang in there.

[SarahH]

You sound very depressed to me... it's exactly how I felt when I was depressed anyway.
This will take time form you to recover and IMHO you need medication, therapy and rest. But you WILL recover... and be a better person for your experience:D.

Lorazepam IS Valium and it lasts longer than Diazepam........ its what I take when my anxiety gets out of control. For now you need to be taking this to get you through this crisis. My prescription is for up to 4 mgs a day! However I only ever seem to need 0.5mgs and use it very rarely as pregabalin and citalopram combined keep me steady.


Good luck with your recovery.

Sarah

[Davit]

Some things in your post, "back where you live" You are not in the town you live in?

Your avatar, do you think your thoughts change? Does it bother you?

Sara, lorazepam is Ativan and it has a four hour half life. Diazepam is valium and has a 24 hour half life. Valium does not come sublingual. Lorazepam only comes in half and one MG. Valium comes in 2 or 5 mg. Valium is far less addictive, making it the safer drug. I know because I was dependent on Lorazepam for four years and it took me a year to get off it. Doctors pass this out like candy because they think the half life will prevent addiction, in truth once you get to 4 mg a day it causes a craving you can't cover at 4 mg.

---------- Post added at 11:05 ---------- Previous post was at 10:54 ----------

Terry, funny thing about pets, if you treat them right they love you unconditionally and are always there for you, not always so with people. I think having cats gives me a responsibility that I find hard otherwise. I could very easily otherwise have no reason to get up in the morning. I could just play games till my eyeballs fall out and my fingers fall off. Going to my garden this morning, my other responsibility. Motivation is hard when I know I'm only good for a couple of hours so there is no need to rush. Gardening is not always something I "want to" do. Pride helps.

[dally]

I think most of us on here have ridden this roller coaster of highs and lows. And when stuck on a low point, it does seem never ending, with no prospect of ever becoming 'normal' again. Also, the thought that we may have some respite but hit another low again is soul destroying. So I do understand you what's the point thoughts. I have thought this myself.
The only solace I can give you is, we all do have some good days, and for most it IS an upward journey to better more stable mental health. Thinking of you xx

[Davit]

It is an upward journey and lots only get stable but there is still a possibility of a cure if you are patient and think positive. I might have one or two panic attacks a year and they are so mild they are laughable. A far cry from the terror every night with them lasting 3 to 5 hours that I went through for a year at their worst or the ten years of never knowing when one would happen. A cure is possible, just not overnight. If I did it why not everyone.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Terry, funny thing about pets, if you treat them right they love you unconditionally and are always there for you, not always so with people. I think having cats gives me a responsibility that I find hard otherwise. I could very easily otherwise have no reason to get up in the morning. I could just play games till my eyeballs fall out and my fingers fall off. Going to my garden this morning, my other responsibility. Motivation is hard when I know I'm only good for a couple of hours so there is no need to rush. Gardening is not always something I "want to" do. Pride helps.

Thats true. Unconditional love and needing to care for something greater thna yourself.

I've had times where my dog has come over and nuzzled me for a fuss because he seems to have picked up on how I feel. I can remember him lieing with me a lot through my bad times. I've had a few occassions where the fatigue has been getting to me and he's come over and slat a toy at my feet as he wanted to play. 10 minutes of running him round and I found myself feeling better. Good dog!

My mum once broke her shoulder walking him when she had a nasty fall down some steps (stupid council hadn't kept the area clean!) and when me & my dad got back she was sitting holding her arm and the dog was very patiently lieing at her feet. My dad took her to hospital and after that he would sit very patiently with her when he would normally be jumping up.

He knew something was wrong and tried to give comfort however he could without making it worse.

Pets are great comforts. :woof

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

I'm over an hour's drive away from my family, in a different town.

I started on prozac nearly two weeks ago so I'm hoping that starts working. My lorazepam dose is 2 1mg tablets a day to be taken "when needed". All my meds are kept under lock and key. I wish I could beg my doctor for a stronger dose but I know I need to stay on it at least until the prozac starts working. Also on zopiclone at night which works excellently but now the doctor wants to reduce it soon! I'm terrified of that. Also on 1mg haliperodol a day for some reason.

I don't know if I'm getting better or worse, I just know my mind's running circles around me and I behave oddly. I feel my personality's changed. I've almost completely withdrawn from television, the internet and computer games because they seem threatening for some reason. The sounds coming from outside my flat seem threatening, like the doors opening and closing.

It goes without mentioning I'm in a state all the time and I get no peace of mind at all, but my idea of enjoyment now is only a decrease in anxiety. I found myself yesterday laid on the couch hugging the cushions humming to myself, feeling like I was in a kind of trance. It was the most entertaining thing I could think of doing.

I've been on prozac a couple of times in the past and so if it does not work this time I'm in big trouble :(

I want to get back to my old flat and to something that at least resembles my old life. Even if I'm only toddling. I just want to go home.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Its early days on the Prozac, give it time and it could help you.

I know exactly what you mean about enjoyment being about decreasing anxiety. When I relapsed I spent my weeks hanging on for life everyday and I would spend all day sitting in one place trying to control the symptoms as best I could.

This doesn't last, but its not quick for many of us.

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

It's good to know that other people have come out of this...

Perhaps I should focus more on accepting this as my new home for a while. I still see "home" as being my mum's house which I more or less got kicked out of months ago. The only positive thoughts I can muster are those of a distant-ish future like dreaming about getting back to my flat and coping and then eventually when me and my family move into houses next to each other.

A member of staff just told me I'm not the first to come this depressed and I won't be the last.

I think I need CBT to cope with my thoughts but the situation is complicated and I am also not ready to talk about certain issues which have contributed to my depression. I just want to get the ball rolling so I can function.

I need to start changing my own attitude but it's near on impossible. I have "good" days sometimes but they're never guaranteed. I can't seem to get these positive thoughts to start flowing but I do try.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, that is a good way to look at it. Don't fight it, accept it as a temporary place to help you get yourself more stable.

Listen to them, they have seen it plenty of times.

This is normal, the fact you can actually have good days at all is a good sign. They will become more frequent as you recover and the intensity of the bad days will decrease.

[Shapeshifting Lizard]

It feels in my mind as if I bring these crazy thoughts on myself you know. I think I sabotage myself sometimes, in my thoughts and actions, and it's all led to this. I need a psychiatrist right goddamn now this second. I've written a list for an emergency doctor's appointment tomorrow because I told one of the workers and my mum I seriously feel suicidal.

I'm so depressed, anxious and apathetic I can't see even getting through the next day, let alone the rest of my life. It's so chronic. I can't even talk or think straight. Therapy would take too long and I'd probably forget or ignore it anyway.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think thats one of anxiety & depressions main weapons in its arsenal, self sabotage. We avoid, we seek reassurance, we don't do enough to fight our way out at times, we let it consume us, etc. Its all self sabotage really.

Thats normal in these disorders, we just have to learn how to recover and remove these negative behaviours.

I was very negative about therapy before I started but that changes as you start to see its benefits.