View Full Version : pregnant and my ex with GAD says awful things to me
Hello, I'm 8 and a half months pregnant. My ex who has GAD dumped as soon as I told him that I'm pregnant. Everything in our relationship had been great up until that point. He lashed out and said the meanest things possible. Then a week later, took them back and tried to justify the breakup by telling me that I had actually ended or relationship 2 weeks before finding out I was pregnant. We argued back and forth for 2 months and then he started trying to win me back. Saying that he loved me and wanted to raise our child with me. We got back together for about 3 months. .at first it was great again. he seemed to be interested in our baby. But he eventually began to distance from me more and more If I asked at all of we were actually a couple again. He seemed not to want a title. He would want everything that a relationship offers, but seemed to build a wall at the thought of us progressing back to relationship with a title. Finally he completely went silent with me. Wouldn't acknowledge dropping whatever we were doing together, and just stayed talking to me like it was all business, and other than that. .he didn't know me. We went a month without speaking. I tried to open up communication because my due date is close and I wanted us to at least be on better terms. At first, it seemed hopeful. He was nicer, but still acting as though we were never together, and this was all just cold business. Yesterday, I mentioned child support, because I will need the help to raise our baby. He lashed or and said that I was being selfish. .that I was showing my true colors, and that he doesn't care to know me at all. I was hurt. This is a person, that with everything that has happened..I still had hoped that maybe he would come around and want to be more involved and possibly give us another try. I realize now, that's not going to happen. My question is. ..,was his lash out caused by his anxiety? I've really done some soul searching because of this entire experience through my pregnancy. I feel bullied in a way by his lash outs. Like I have to back down to keep him friendly and nice. Can anxiety disorder cause someone to behave that way to another person? I've never felt uglier.
First off, congratulations on the upcoming birth of your baby. I'm sorry it's not under better circumstances.
If I may offer what I feel is sound advice....
Regardless of anxiety disorder or any other malady for that matter, a responsible man and one that is about to be a father wouldn't act like that toward you or dismiss his own flesh and blood. Cut off all communication. Make sure you keep all written communications on file in case you need to present them fro any reason. This is now all about you and your child. He's made it clear he wants no part of it and you don't need the emotional stress and drama. They say true beauty comes from the heart and it appears he's the one that needs to look in the mirror.
Hire an attorney. He's fiscally responsible for support as the father of the child.
Good luck and best wishes for a health baby!
Positive thoughts
Congratulations on the baby.
He sounds like he might be bipolar, if so there is little you can do except know none of it is your fault.
Hi there,
Congratulations on the baby! I suppose very extreme anxiety could make someone act this way if they felt totally unprepared for the pregnancy, but only if the person took no responsibility whatsoever for their words and actions.
It's not an excuse for him to treat you this poorly. I hope you sort it out- best wishes :)
MyNameIsTerry
02-05-15, 08:20
Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Congratulations on your baby!
Can anxiety cause anger & hostility? Can anxiety put so much pressure on a relationship that it ends? Yes to both.
Anxiety can blow the most minor things out of proportion and it all depends on severity as Emily mentioned. Anxiety can be mild, moderate or severe. At the severe end it can be so disabling that you can be admitted to a psychiatric ward or sectioned under mental health legislation. So, yes it can get pretty bad.
I didn't talk to my GF for months. I was in such a state that I couldn't face reading texts, emails, listening to answerphone messages, opening letters, etc. I couldn't switch my phone on for weeks at the start.
My GF had suffered depression earlier in her life so she just gave me some space and after some time and trying to pull myself out of the hole I was in, with some help from my parents, I made contact again and explained it all. I saw her as part of the the triggers because it was all about work stress and we often saw each other there as we worked at the same company. It took me ages before I could see her face-to-face.
When I relapsed later I stayed in contact. I still had the odd period where I went a week or so without making contact but this time it was because my OCD had seriously flared up due to the medication I was taking and my days could be as if I was a robot.
So, yes it can make you act out of character in that way. Prior to this happening we were talking about buying a house together as we had been together years but both lived with our parents.
Anxiety can cause you to let your emotions spiral and you say some horrible things to people. I've done that. However, I have realised afterwards and apologised where I could.
You also have to look at the individual as well. How do they conduct themselves? What are their morals? If someone is an idiot, anxiety can make them feel so agitated that they will act in a greater manner than normal but only in that it is an extension of their previous behaviour. A but like how an aggressive person is worse when they drink.
Think of it from another angle. If you put someone in enough physical pain, do they become short tempered and snap at people? When people don't sleep well they do that. So, why can't they when they are suffering a 24/7 non stop onslaught of anxiety?
If someone was terminally ill and did this, wouldn't we try to be understanding of what they are going through? So, why not with mental illness? Perhaps its because it isn't going to kill you? No, it won't but it may make you kill yourself. (this is just an example, I'm not suggesting this is the case with your BF at all).
You also have needs though and you have to sit down and get it through to him that this isn't fair on you either. Its not going to be easy, but it can be done. There are practical issues to discuss too as you mentioned with child support which he has a duty to pay. Obtain advice from a medical professional about approaching the situation or such as a relationship counselling service, they will know more than anyone on here can as we can only comment based on our individual experiences and knowledge of others situations. But if its too much, don't feel that you can't take legal steps and then it will be up to him to approach you to fix this if he still feels anything for you. If you can't sit down with him for various reasons then don't feel bad about that, you are trying to sort it out, but maybe this can be done in a mediating fornat if possible? He's going to have to want you back and be around his child though regardless of his anxiety and he needs to make things very clear if he knows he has acted badly, if not then its more likely its not his anxiety.
I noticed your last comment about ugliness. Does this imply the type of comments he has made? Whatever he has said, whether emotional charged by anxiety or not, don't believe for a second that you are X or Y, who you believe you are and who your child will know is all that matters.
All the best.
---------- Post added at 08:20 ---------- Previous post was at 08:13 ----------
First off, congratulations on the upcoming birth of your baby. I'm sorry it's not under better circumstances.
If I may offer what I feel is sound advice....
Regardless of anxiety disorder or any other malady for that matter, a responsible man and one that is about to be a father wouldn't act like that toward you or dismiss his own flesh and blood. Cut off all communication. Make sure you keep all written communications on file in case you need to present them fro any reason. This is now all about you and your child. He's made it clear he wants no part of it and you don't need the emotional stress and drama. They say true beauty comes from the heart and it appears he's the one that needs to look in the mirror.
Hire an attorney. He's fiscally responsible for support as the father of the child.
Good luck and best wishes for a health baby!
Positive thoughts
Don't you think thats a bit black & white, FMP? No malady is an excuse?
So, schizophrenia, psychosis, delusion disorders, dissassociative disorders, bipolar, etc would be examples of irresponsible fathers despite not even having the mental capacity at the time?
I definately don't agree with that.
Maybe legal action is required, but perhaps the professional advice that is required first is by a medical professional who can advise the OP better and get all the facts in place first. We should all know that GAD is a catchall diagnosis that often changes e.g. bipolar can be diagnosed as GAD & depression and we have an average 2 year diagnosis time in the UK for bipolar.
There are many factors. For all we know we could be talking about a very young couple here and its not like it would be the first time such a responsibility has been too much for a young man, despite it being wrong.
Lets not forget that the mother is thinking about her child in this too. That child may wish to know his/her father and situations change.
I was misdiagnosed as bipolar even though for a diagnosis you have to have so many characteristics. Even on medication bipolar can look normal but some things are based on personality. They still show through.
Don't you think thats a bit black & white, FMP? No malady is an excuse?
So, schizophrenia, psychosis, delusion disorders, dissassociative disorders, bipolar, etc would be examples of irresponsible fathers despite not even having the mental capacity at the time?
I definately don't agree with that.
Maybe legal action is required, but perhaps the professional advice that is required first is by a medical professional who can advise the OP better and get all the facts in place first. We should all know that GAD is a catchall diagnosis that often changes e.g. bipolar can be diagnosed as GAD & depression and we have an average 2 year diagnosis time in the UK for bipolar.
There are many factors. For all we know we could be talking about a very young couple here and its not like it would be the first time such a responsibility has been too much for a young man, despite it being wrong.
Lets not forget that the mother is thinking about her child in this too. That child may wish to know his/her father and situations change.
No... in this case it needs to be. This is about the well being of the OP and her baby. Would finding out her boyfriend is bi-polar or any of the list you stated above make it any better or easier to deal with? Even IF that were the case and it gave her an explanation for his behavior, does it lessen the wounds he's already given her?
What needs to be asked regardless of the cause: "Is it Ok to behave this way toward another person?" The black and white answer is "No".
"Is it Ok to behave this way toward another person that happens to be the mother of their child and someone they supposedly love?" The black and white answer is "HELL No".
Maybe in the future things may change or improve but right now at nearly term, the situation is best kept at a distance for the well being of the OP and her baby.
Respectfully agree to disagree.
Positive thoughts
MyNameIsTerry
03-05-15, 07:33
Ok, so lets look at what you are saying:
Regardless of anxiety disorder or any other malady for that matter, a responsible man and one that is about to be a father wouldn't act like that toward you or dismiss his own flesh and blood.
So, lets shorten that down a bit as I am not considering the OP's situation in this:
Regardless of malady, a responsible man and one that is about to be a father wouldn't act like that toward you.
Not ideal, but it works to say that someones behaviour to another person is not affected by any known malady.
So, what is a malady? According to the British dictionary it is:
1. any disease or illness
2. any unhealthy, morbid, or desperate condition: a malady of the spirit
So, any form of illness then. You mean that there is no known form of illness that can change how one person to acts towards another. This would also include the person acting badly to the other.
A young boy, 11-12 approx, shouts all forms of obscenities at his mother, calls her terrible names, tells her he hates her and physically attacks & strikes her on multiple occasions.
Based on this what should we think? Disgusting little thug maybe? Its clearly vile behaviour to act that way to your mother. Striking her on multiple occasions is something that is without excuse and certainly a criminal act.
So, where did this happen? In the home? In the street?
This actually happened in a hospital bed on a ward in a specialist children's hospital. One of the most well known in the UK, actually.
Surely this behaviour is still not excusable even in experiencing pain & fear? So, why was it?
The reason why is that the boy in question is currently suffering from inflammation of his brain. He has suffered many seizures in front of his parents in hospital despite having no history of them. This is because he was admitted to a local hospital with food poisoining andd as his condition worsened he was transferred to a specialist childrens hospital. He was in critical care at both. He remained in critical care for some time and was not discharged for quite a while.
Should his mother forgive him or excuse his behaviour? And why?
The consultant managing his case explained to his mother that due to the inflammation and seizures he was not acting in accordance to his normal behaviour. He advised this is a possibility in these cases and that brain damage was likely.
Should his mother forgive or excuse his behaviour?
How could she not excuse it? He was not choosing to act in that manner. Prior to this he was a happy boy who was never in trouble, did well at school, was well liked and had a good relationship with his parents. Just a normal happy kid then.
Did his behaviour continue this way?
For some time his behaviour was difficult as he would swear more often and act slightly inappropriately. Since his brain damage turned out to be slight, over a period of time he was taught to curb this behaviour and return to a more normal state of functioning.
Who was this boy?
My cousin.
How is he now?
He's fine. He is a responsible family man with 2 children, a good management job, a mortgage and all the other stuff you associate with the average family man.
Did his mother find it any better or easier to deal with by knowing why his behaviour had become extreme?
Yes, it was a great relief to know that is was the inflammation on his brain that caused him to act in such a way to a mother he had always loved & respected up to that point.
So, there we go, a malady that according to a field specialist can cause someone to act badly towards another person.
Do I believe the specialist? Of course. He was infinitely better trained & more experienced to give such advice.
Now to address a few of your statements:
"Would finding out her boyfriend is bi-polar or any of the list you stated above make it any better or easier to deal with? Even IF that were the case and it gave her an explanation for his behavior, does it lessen the wounds he's already given her?"
Yes, if it means that he was not acting of sound mind at the time. If he wasn't, how can anyone hold him responsible for his comments to others? He would be equally appalled by them.
If someone experiencing a psychotic episode called you a name, you may be hurt. If a specialist explained to you that at that point a medical illness of some kind caused the person to act out of character, you would accept this diagnosis and accept that they did not mean what they said. You can't hold a grudge on that basis.
"What needs to be asked regardless of the cause: "Is it Ok to behave this way toward another person?" The black and white answer is "No"."
Already addressed above.
"Is it Ok to behave this way toward another person that happens to be the mother of their child and someone they supposedly love?" The black and white answer is "HELL No".
Already addressed above and pregancy or any other condition of any kind would be irrevelant in a case where the person is not of sound mind.
"No... in this case it needs to be. This is about the well being of the OP and her baby."
No its not. If it were, why would the OP need to understand whether his anxiety has been a factor? She could move on without this. Besides I think the OP herself will determine whether this is about her own needs and those of her baby so we shouldn't assume anything. She will tell us if she feels she wants to.
"but right now at nearly term, the situation is best kept at a distance for the well being of the OP and her baby."
I'll have to assume you mean this in relation to my suggestion of possibilities to address it. This may be true, it could mean stress but so will taking legal action. If there is a concern of stress, the situation could be left alone until after the birth but its completely up to the OP and those looking after her medical care whilst pregnant who are far more qualified to judge the impact of stress on an unborn child & mother than you or I ever will be. You can't make that call.
The medical professionals are willing to ackowledge cases of lack of sound mind. So are the courts who work with evidence and like to weigh up the facts on both sides. Neither would read a short post and make judgements based on assumption.
Pretty much everything I have said in this post is not relevant to the OP, sorry for that mkrj06, but I simply cannot see how anyone can make such a generalisation about every possible medical condition and in the process label them as potentially irresponsible fathers.
You are of course entitled to your opinion but that also entitles anyone on here to agree, disagree or even challenge it.
Play nice. Did any one consider that men can't get pregnant. Did he want a child. Children are wonderful but not all men want the responsibility. It is a big commitment. And yes anxiety can make you say things you don't mean but more often try to justify something you don't have an answer for. Anxiety can make your answers totally irrational.
MyNameIsTerry
03-05-15, 07:51
I agree, Davit. All we can do is give the OP some information about how anxiety can make you think and how your behaviour can change. Only the OP will truly be able to work it out from information such as we can give and from her own knowledge of her BF and what has happened.
Don't worry, I'm sticking with the rules about how we treat each other, so thats as far as it goes.
I don't know why but anxiety can make people think totally irrational. Once you hold a baby it is hard not to want one. I've held a couple and it is quite the feeling. I don't have any, always my partners decisions. Now it is too late.
Mkrj,
Again, I want to say sincerely say I hope all goes well with the birth and you have a healthy and happy baby. I'm the father of two adult children and I can tell you that having a child is one of the most challenging yet most rewarding experiences you'll ever have in your life.
Secondly, I feel bad that your thread has taken the turn it did. It truly was not my intention as it was to offer what I feel was good advice under the circumstances based on personal experience.
That being said, I stand by my advice. I know you have a history and strong feelings for the child's father. I know you're hurt and confused. Yes, anxiety can make someone behave badly but that's besides the point right now and you need to take care of yourself and your baby. And yes, in the US, the father is legally responsible for support.
I left my 1st wife and the mother of my children after 13 years due to the fact that she suffered from severe depressive disorder which manifested itself into hoarding. When the depression hit and things began to go downhill, I stayed for 4 years doing what I could to help her and keep the marriage and family alive. The things she did and said to me were abhorrent. It was as if she were a different person. I did manage to get her to go to counseling with me but it was too late. The counselor recommended we come separately. She stopped going. I was advised to separate by my counselor as it was the best thing for all involved. It's sad but it took the threats of a lawyer to make my ex go to counseling. Otherwise I would have gone for custody of my children and easily won. I paid support for over 10 years until my children were 18 and continue to help them to this day even though they're into their 20's. Fortunately, with the counseling and meds, my ex was able to get on the healing path. She's been a great mother to my children and as stressful as that entire ordeal was, it was for the best.
I'm truly sorry you're going through this at a time when you should be filled with hope and joy concerning the birth of your child. I totally understand and can relate to your feelings. It will be Ok. Take care of you and your baby first. Let the future take care of itself.
Positive thoughts
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