margmx
02-05-15, 14:59
So i woke up in this morning- again... The same old familiar feeling of anxiety, calm panic and complete emptiness filled my head. Soon it was 12pm and i was still lying in bed. I was not sure on what day it is. Everything Looked the same as yesterday or day before that. ,,This neutral, mechanical present moment without any meaning or purpose''- not sure how many times i have reapeated this thought in my head...
So when i finally managed to put my leg on the ground i immediately started noticing different sharp objects. I allmost felt the cut when i noticed kitchen knife and saw that the ceiling of bathroom is made of plank wood, with gaps- it would proabably hold my weight.
The urge is strong, so strong as i allmost did something about it few days ago. The supermarket I visited did not have enough floors tou, there were no sharp objects or place to make tie but i needed it at that moment. It was as if my mind was prepared. I got tunnel vision, i felt like i am in my own bubble and world around me felt soft, unreal. Consequences? What consequences. Pure freedom and relief.
Suddenly I completely understood my situation, the unchangeable nature of this action, should i commit. Knowing that did not make my situation easier, unfortunately
Now I even find it romantic somehow, specially when young people do commit afterall.
There is beauty in it and unbearable mind torture aswell.
So when i finally managed to put my leg on the ground i immediately started noticing different sharp objects. I allmost felt the cut when i noticed kitchen knife and saw that the ceiling of bathroom is made of plank wood, with gaps- it would proabably hold my weight.
The urge is strong, so strong as i allmost did something about it few days ago. The supermarket I visited did not have enough floors tou, there were no sharp objects or place to make tie but i needed it at that moment. It was as if my mind was prepared. I got tunnel vision, i felt like i am in my own bubble and world around me felt soft, unreal. Consequences? What consequences. Pure freedom and relief.
Suddenly I completely understood my situation, the unchangeable nature of this action, should i commit. Knowing that did not make my situation easier, unfortunately
Now I even find it romantic somehow, specially when young people do commit afterall.
There is beauty in it and unbearable mind torture aswell.