TBONTB

[margmx]

So i woke up in this morning- again... The same old familiar feeling of anxiety, calm panic and complete emptiness filled my head. Soon it was 12pm and i was still lying in bed. I was not sure on what day it is. Everything Looked the same as yesterday or day before that. ,,This neutral, mechanical present moment without any meaning or purpose''- not sure how many times i have reapeated this thought in my head...
So when i finally managed to put my leg on the ground i immediately started noticing different sharp objects. I allmost felt the cut when i noticed kitchen knife and saw that the ceiling of bathroom is made of plank wood, with gaps- it would proabably hold my weight.

The urge is strong, so strong as i allmost did something about it few days ago. The supermarket I visited did not have enough floors tou, there were no sharp objects or place to make tie but i needed it at that moment. It was as if my mind was prepared. I got tunnel vision, i felt like i am in my own bubble and world around me felt soft, unreal. Consequences? What consequences. Pure freedom and relief.

Suddenly I completely understood my situation, the unchangeable nature of this action, should i commit. Knowing that did not make my situation easier, unfortunately

Now I even find it romantic somehow, specially when young people do commit afterall.
There is beauty in it and unbearable mind torture aswell.

[Oosh]

I can relate to what you're saying. Maybe work at giving yourself today things to lift your spirits tomorrow when you wake up first though ?

I've woke up panicking and isolated many times. Give yourself change so when you wake and think "who/where am I and what's going on ?" you have more uplifting, anxiety reducing answers.

I know how you feel. Just some ideas.

[margmx]

Ty!

It got worse for me when i started practising Vipassana meditation. I already had clinical depression coupled with existential thoughts and ocd. I felt immediate relief during meditation but it turned to hell pretty soon.

[Davit]

Well failed romance can be started again but failed life is over for good. So have the thoughts but leave the action for very old age when it will be more appropriate.

More Shakespeare. Much ado about nothing. Life is precious even of it sucks. As much of mine does. After noon here and I have done nothing I planned, but I will, just it will be hard because I ache today. I don't have to live like everyone else and I don't have to impress anyone. If I want to live this way I will, It passes, usually after a good (often tiny) moment that I will miss when I am dead.

[margmx]

What i meant is that in paradoxical way it is romantic to see and hear suicide stories of young people.
One is young,healthy, innocent and then hes or her life is suddenly interrupted. There is certain beauty in it, also creaving or yearning. The contrast between words and actual commitment. The unchangable nature of it.

I have the desire to do it, but with the difference that i want to witness the whole process outside of my being. I want to creave over my own suicide, fantazise what could have been when i stayd alive and so on...
To observe my relatives and their strive to keep me alive in their thoughts and beyond.
It just does not have the same weight when done in old age. The picture is clear then.

I think I got the inspiration when watching teen suicide videos and their stories, it added a twist to my own neverending mental pain.
I am still in my 20s, so it is now or never.