Spikie
08-05-15, 08:31
Hi all
Oh I should say straight off, we're talking pen and paper exams, not medical!
I've sat some professional exams yesterday, they are the final ones I can do in my career so are top level. I've done fine in all my mocks, feel like I have a good grasp of things, was calm (for a given value of calm) in the exams. No panic attacks, no mental freezes, just 'normal' issues (unless you are amazing I suspect everyone misses things in exams, things you know but exam pressure stops you being able to produce on the day). I left each exam pretty confident I had passed (though not necessarily well), though mostly convinced that I had 'just' passed.
But that's the thing, I say that, but about 4 hours after the end of the exam I was beset by intrusive thoughts along the lines of 'oh you should have put that, it was an easy mark, you didn't put it, you will get 49 and fail, why didn't you put that obvious point, you've wasted the last 3 months and ruined the entire exam.'.
I just can't get my brain to think that, modesty aside, maybe I 'should have' got 70% (unlikely but who knows?) and oh no, I lost a mark, I got 69%. Or more modestly, I got 54% instead of 55%.
OR I made such a mess of things in a way I'm not seeing and I got 40% and the one mark pales into insignificance.
I had a similar thing 6 months ago (when I got 50% which hasn't helped my anxiety!), though in that one I was pretty sure (even when being calm and rational) that if I had passed it would be by a whisker (and hey, I was right! :) ). I managed to sort of get over it by the logic of 'if you get 49% it wasn't that mark that failed you, it was that mark plus the other 50 you missed', but I'm not feeling it this time (see even as I type that I can't think that I lost 50% of the marks, it just... doesn't seem right. Yet as soon as I let go of that, I'm back to 'idiot, losing that mark, that's cost you the whole exam!').
I promised myself a reward for finishing the exams, now I feel I don't deserve it.
I think I firstly just wanted to post this, as it often makes me feel better/get a handle on how stupid my thoughts can be, but also as I suspect other people have taken exams recently and maybe some 'oh I felt like that too's would do me good. I often feel I am the only person who feels things, and as I'm not the social type this never gets challenged. The internet can be a terrible thing for such as ourselves, but it also lets us pool feelings and realise we are far from alone.
That said if I'm the only one who feels this way feel free to say so :P
I suspect I will be fine in a few days, this is... buyer's remorse or whatever, I was happy at the time, but now I'm past the elation of being 'done' my anxiety is creeping back in. In a week I imagine it will be just a knot in my brain that will stay dormant until nearer the results.
It's over, nothing I can do now, forget about it, do it again in 6 months, who cares, it won't kill you.
Ok, diatribe over, I'd welcome sympathy both generic and specific :)
Thanks for reading!
Oh I should say straight off, we're talking pen and paper exams, not medical!
I've sat some professional exams yesterday, they are the final ones I can do in my career so are top level. I've done fine in all my mocks, feel like I have a good grasp of things, was calm (for a given value of calm) in the exams. No panic attacks, no mental freezes, just 'normal' issues (unless you are amazing I suspect everyone misses things in exams, things you know but exam pressure stops you being able to produce on the day). I left each exam pretty confident I had passed (though not necessarily well), though mostly convinced that I had 'just' passed.
But that's the thing, I say that, but about 4 hours after the end of the exam I was beset by intrusive thoughts along the lines of 'oh you should have put that, it was an easy mark, you didn't put it, you will get 49 and fail, why didn't you put that obvious point, you've wasted the last 3 months and ruined the entire exam.'.
I just can't get my brain to think that, modesty aside, maybe I 'should have' got 70% (unlikely but who knows?) and oh no, I lost a mark, I got 69%. Or more modestly, I got 54% instead of 55%.
OR I made such a mess of things in a way I'm not seeing and I got 40% and the one mark pales into insignificance.
I had a similar thing 6 months ago (when I got 50% which hasn't helped my anxiety!), though in that one I was pretty sure (even when being calm and rational) that if I had passed it would be by a whisker (and hey, I was right! :) ). I managed to sort of get over it by the logic of 'if you get 49% it wasn't that mark that failed you, it was that mark plus the other 50 you missed', but I'm not feeling it this time (see even as I type that I can't think that I lost 50% of the marks, it just... doesn't seem right. Yet as soon as I let go of that, I'm back to 'idiot, losing that mark, that's cost you the whole exam!').
I promised myself a reward for finishing the exams, now I feel I don't deserve it.
I think I firstly just wanted to post this, as it often makes me feel better/get a handle on how stupid my thoughts can be, but also as I suspect other people have taken exams recently and maybe some 'oh I felt like that too's would do me good. I often feel I am the only person who feels things, and as I'm not the social type this never gets challenged. The internet can be a terrible thing for such as ourselves, but it also lets us pool feelings and realise we are far from alone.
That said if I'm the only one who feels this way feel free to say so :P
I suspect I will be fine in a few days, this is... buyer's remorse or whatever, I was happy at the time, but now I'm past the elation of being 'done' my anxiety is creeping back in. In a week I imagine it will be just a knot in my brain that will stay dormant until nearer the results.
It's over, nothing I can do now, forget about it, do it again in 6 months, who cares, it won't kill you.
Ok, diatribe over, I'd welcome sympathy both generic and specific :)
Thanks for reading!