Anxiety caused by jealous thoughts

[Rinzai]

Here goes...

This year I had moment of high anxiety, so bad that I went to see my GP and he forwarded me to CBT. The CBT sessions have been really helpful. After applying the methods I learnt from CBT, I endure moments of depression more than anxiety. But there are days where the anxiety gets stronger and I wonder how I would cope and even suicidal thoughts enter my mind.

Now onto the reason for my anxiety...

... it's all about a girl.
When I first met this girl I thought she was really cute. I like everything about her. Truth being is that she obviously sees me as nothing more than just a friend, which I am ok with, but deep down I wish it was something more. I would meet up with this girl regularly for a drink and we get on really well.

I introduced her to some of my friends, but one of my friends I ended up seeing as a kind of 'threat'. My imagination would torture me, believing that my friend would steal the girl. He has had a lot of girlfriends in the past and it is hinted enough that he is quite 'hung below', so the feelings of jealousy begin to arise.

Then the thoughts became more and more irrational. I became obsessed with fantasies of them two meeting up together and having sex without me knowing and possibly even laughing at me, making me feel inadequate. This had affected my behaviour in different ways, for example I would fear inviting them both together, because whenever we departed, I would go in one direction back home and they would both head in a different direction together and although they would shortly depart in different roads my mind would jump to the conclusion that she's heading back to his place for sex. What made my anxiety even more worse was when my friend boasted about a girl he recently slept with. Although, there was enough evidence to the contrary, my mind was convinced that he slept with the girl I like. The thoughts became so bad that I could not remove them from my mind and one day I hit the high anxiety and needed to see my GP.

I'm getting better each day, but I do have days where it is hard to convince my mind that they did not do what I think they did.

[Oosh]

Anxiety/panic can come when you suggest to yourself that you can't handle a situation, that maybe you aren't in control.

You have found yourself in a situation that bothers you a lot. It's also sort of a situation were you are bracing yourself for and fearing the thing you fear happening.

Anxiety at the fear of the thing you fear happening.
Depression at the conclusions this all might say about you.

Can I just add, that situation sounds very normal. You are definitely supposed to feel like you do. I'd feel the same way and so would many other people male or female.

The situation needs resolving. What makes you think she will only ever see you as a friend ? Have you asked her ? It's her sensing you feel inadequate like that that may put you in the friend zone.

Being in limbo like that is agony. I think you need to come right out with it, be confident and tell her you fancy the arse off her and you want to take her out.
Just ask her where you stand. It's the first step in showing her you are ballsy enough to just come right out and say it.
If she suggests friends zone then you know. Then I'd put her out of your mind, go off and make her sorry. Become the best you you can be, and let her see it from a distance. You didn't go off and mope you went off and did well, looked after yourself, were attractive, dated other people and appeared to be doing well. You are friends, she might miss you. She might wonder if she made a mistake putting you in the friend zone. If she doesn't, you go off and be your best and move on, that can't fail either.

If she says YES, you've solved your problem ! :shades:

To do nothing means you stay in agony every day feeling inadequate and waiting for what you fear to happen. You don't want to be a bystander to that, it hurts.

If you don't feel very adequate in yourself, fix that. It's what we all have to do.
Become someone you feel more confident in and don't feel like you are destined for the friend zone anymore.

[Rinzai]

You have found yourself in a situation that bothers you a lot. It's also sort of a situation were you are bracing yourself for and fearing the thing you fear happening.

Anxiety at the fear of the thing you fear happening.
Depression at the conclusions this all might say about you.

Part of me wishes that I never knew her. Its funny to think I used to be comfortable about being a single man. But all it takes is for that one person to come into my life and suddenly I become infatuated. I don't know if life is being kind to me or being cruel.


The situation needs resolving. What makes you think she will only ever see you as a friend ? Have you asked her ?

No but she has hinted to other people that I'm just a friend. The problem being is that I'm not 100% sure and there are moments where I do wonder if she feels the same way. I don't want to read her the wrong way in case she doesn't.


Being in limbo like that is agony. I think you need to come right out with it, be confident and tell her you fancy the arse off her and you want to take her out.
Just ask her where you stand. It's the first step in showing her you are ballsy enough to just come right out and say it.

This. Frightens. Me. :scared15:
I have asked many friends opinion on whether I should take the risk of spoiling the friendship we have by telling her my true feelings. I have received mixed answers. I'm hoping to meet her again soon so maybe I will open out to her, but something tells me that I'm more likely to chicken out. I've never really been the sort of guy that has ever asked a girl out. I've never done anything like this before. I'm far too shy and this girl I meet up with is the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life. she makes me truly happy when I'm close to her. I cannot help but think she is the right person for me, but the question is am I right for her? Hell I'm torturing myself right now! :wacko:

I guess there is no progress without risk, but I still fear if I'm about to rush things.


If she suggests friends zone then you know. Then I'd put her out of your mind, go off and make her sorry. Become the best you you can be, and let her see it from a distance. You didn't go off and mope you went off and did well, looked after yourself, were attractive, dated other people and appeared to be doing well. You are friends, she might miss you. She might wonder if she made a mistake putting you in the friend zone. If she doesn't, you go off and be your best and move on, that can't fail either.

If she turns me down, I'll be okay with it and I will respect her decision fully, but obviously inside it'll feel like a seriously violent kick in the gut. Guess that's normal. When I get depressed, I often think about what would happen to me if I get rejected by her. Not sure how I would cope.


To do nothing means you stay in agony every day feeling inadequate and waiting for what you fear to happen. You don't want to be a bystander to that, it hurts.

If you don't feel very adequate in yourself, fix that. It's what we all have to do.
Become someone you feel more confident in and don't feel like you are destined for the friend zone anymore.

I guess I'll just do the best I can. If I manage to find the courage to tell her how I feel about her, then I will be ready for the rejection just in case. I will have to think about what to say to her exactly. If I chicken out, then I guess I will have to learn to find my confidence. Any hints you could give regarding this?


If she says YES, you've solved your problem ! :shades:

Let's hope so. :)

Thanks Oosh! :D

[Oosh]

Well confidence is based on evidence. So give yourself some evidence. Evidence of what ? Evidence that you are actually attractive to someone like her. YOU need to see/believe it first. You need to see WHY it's true. Then your self esteem can rise. You can feel more secure in yourself, more comfortable in your own skin and have more confidence in approaching her and fear rejection less. Fear rejection less why ? Because you have your healthy level of self esteem. Rejection by her wouldn't be the end of the world because you would feel you have worth. Feeling good about yourself is very important because your relationship with yourself is there when other relationships have gone. If you don't value who you are rejections can feel devastating.

Evidence you could be attractive to someone like her why ?
Well you are friends aren't you. I assume then that you know her, the person.
So you know what her, the person needs. You probably already listen to her, cheer her up, give her advice to help her get through things, make sure she is ok etc
That stuffs pretty valuable and you possess it. Not everyone will be offering her those simple things that, you, already find natural being her friend ?

Then what about your friendships. Put yourself in each of their shoes and try and see what they like about you. What nice things are you to them ? See that you instead of the you YOU see. Start to see the value you have to other people and the qualities you have. Start to become aware of why it's not a ridiculous idea that she or anyone else could find you attractive.

"I feel like a different person. Why ? I'm more aware of the qualities I have as a person. I've found evidence that I offer more than I believed I did. I feel more belief, more confidence. "

Have a look and see if there are any areas in which you feel particularly weak, inadequate, insecure. Don't ignore them. Try and improve in those areas. If you can't actually improve those areas improve the way you see those areas.

Keep at it, create a new habit. Changing your self image takes time. It needs to become the default. Your default at the moment is that you are shy and don't do this type of thing. Only becoming aware of your worth, experiences and successes will change that to something more beneficial to you.

You might be best being subtle and popping in teeny hints rather than blurting out one day that you worship her and want to be together forever lol. Or not. That bits up to you.

Maybe say something discreet and see if she can deduce from it that you are very subtly saying that you like her. Then see if she signals back to you to get lost... or not.
That way it's been said without being said and it keeps any awkwardness to a minimum. Might be the best way to keep a friendship with her rather than make her feel uncomfortable.

Build up your confidence and self esteem. It makes all the difference.

[Rinzai]

You might be best being subtle and popping in teeny hints rather than blurting out one day that you worship her and want to be together forever lol. Or not. That bits up to you.

I have to admit now that about two months ago I met up with her with the intention of showing my true feelings for her, but ten minutes prior to her arrival I thought it was too soon to do so. I panicked because the reason for our meeting was that I had told her that there was something I wanted to say to her in private. So I had to come up with something else to say to her and it was all very last minute. So I shared a secret with her that I had told no one else about. I still feel like a jerk for messing her around like that, but to be fair, I was pretty much affected by my anxiety over whether she and my friend were 'meeting up'. So originally it was an awkward excuse for me to meet up with her alone because I couldn't bare the sight of them two being in the same room despite the fact that there is enough evidence that they didn't do anything. Since that evening, I promised myself not to do that again. I still feel a little embarrassed about it.

But on the plus side, the fact I shared a secret with her was enough to convince her how comfortable I am around her, so I guess it is not all bad.


Evidence you could be attractive to someone like her why ?
Well you are friends aren't you. I assume then that you know her, the person.
So you know what her, the person needs. You probably already listen to her, cheer her up, give her advice to help her get through things, make sure she is ok etc
That stuffs pretty valuable and you possess it. Not everyone will be offering her those simple things that, you, already find natural being her friend ?


Reading this part has made me feel better :D
She has a lot of troubles in her life and I always let her know that I am here if she needs me. She knows that I'm going through therapy and she offers equal support, but obviously I have never told her the true reason for my anxiety which is best kept between me and my therapist (and of course on those forums!). When I think now, she always enjoys my company and we always have a big hug before we depart. :hugs:


Thanks Oosh! :yesyes: