View Full Version : Terrified my partner will leave me.
My partner and I have been together for over 9 years. We have an 8 year old and I have had depression for 7 years now.
Our relationship has always been turbulent, I have my moments when I am down when I argue for nothing. But lately everytime we have an argument mu partner is threatening to leave. He never does of course but I feel that is either because he is scared to hurt me, he has nowhere else to go or he is trying to manipulate my by telling me he's leaving to shut me up.
Our relationship is still, in my opinion, far from being awful. We have a home (rented), pets, a child and he knows my deepest, darkest secrets. He is the only person who I feel comfortable with and who can make me feel a little better when I'm down.
However we have issues that we simply cannot get over, my partner does not help around the house at all, his hygiene is questionable and he is on his videogames at every given opportunity. He shouts and gets angry at the screen when he is on the games, I get wrong if I walk in front of the screen and he will not listen if I speak to him.
I am by no means perfect, I get stressed really easily, I hate going anywhere, I have BDD and can't tie my hair up so if we go anywhere and it's windy I get really angry as I have to either hold my hair up or put my hood up. Both of which I find very uncomfortable.
I am down loads, I snap easily, I 'nag' my partner when he leaves rubbish lying about.
I can't speak to anybody I know as they all tell me I'm better off without him etc which is easy for them to say as they have no idea what our relationship is like. They don't know how I feel without him, he is my crutch and I love him more than I ever imagined possible.
When I am really down to the point I cry though, he seems somewhat emotionless. He does not look at me when we're speaking, he cannot discuss our relationship ever without getting angry. He apparently wants to improve it, but he will not tell me what I am doing that is upsetting or annoying him
I feel lost, trapped and scared and am at my wits end. My daughter is lying all the time, she will not clean up after herself, she will not tidy her room and my partner plays no part in disciplining her anymore. It's as though he has given up and I honestly feel when the time is right he will leave.
Any ideas on how I can talk to him?
MyNameIsTerry
17-05-15, 10:33
Do you think her would be receptive to couples counselling or therapy? Maybe someone neutral asking the questions can get the answers from him without the anger & frustration he seems to feel?
Was he always like this? He sounds like he has become a bit withdrawn so maybe he is feeling the strain a bit himself or is feeling depressed because whilst you could seem him being like that with you, withdrawing from dealing with his daughter seems like something more?
He once said he would go to couples counselling but it's something we couldn't afford under any circumstances as I am unable to work and he only works part time. I think money is a strain as we don't have a proper cooker (we use a microwave with built in oven, our cooker broke about 3 months ago), we can't afford new clothes or anything so it must be hard but I feel like if wE were financially stable he would still deter from couples counselling. When I was told I had post natal depression all the health visitor wanted to do was ask my partner about me etc but he wouldn't even come downstairs and speak with her. I did counselling last year and CBT at the moment and he never even asks how my sessions went.
He may very well be depressed but I have outright asked him and he said no.
He's been like this for a very long time but until these last few years he used to say he loved me, tell me I was 'gorgeous'. Now I get nothing like that.
As for my daughter, there was a point before she started school that I feel he used to tell her off too much, after all she was only 4 possibly 3 I can't remember, but in a way I wonder if that's made him think we'll screw you you do the parenting from now on. He does tell her off at times, but it feels like that is when she is directly affecting him, such as being cheeky to him directly.
Thanks for taking the time to read my long post.
MyNameIsTerry
17-05-15, 11:01
If you are in England or Wales, your local IAPT may offer counselling to cover this. They will have a website you can check if you Google "IAPT" + your local area. Everything they offer is free as its the NHS so a GP referral is all it takes.
There are charities which offer relationship counselling, I think. So, its perhaps worth a look to see if there is anything free that you can access.
If you can find something free, you can approach him again and see if he is willing or not.
I always find offering any advice on a relationship matter to be very difficult as you don't know if it will help or make things worse as you really need to know the people involved. I would say that you need to discuss these issues calmly and get things out in the open but its whether he will just feel he needs to be defensive (us blokes are not always good at opening up, it can be percieved as weakness - when you've had mental health issues you start to realise that is just a sterotype view).
Have you got any close friends that you can talk to about him? Can they shed any light on his change in behaviour? For instance, has he become this way only about his family life or is it his work & social life as well? If he has withdrawn from everything, depression seems a likely issue. If its one-sided and its just his family life then it still could be, its just a little less clear.
Does he spend most of his time on his own? If he is gaming all the time and not much else, he really does need more activities to get him motivated to get his life going again.
I am in the North East of England. There is a local charity that offers counselling but it is £14 or something like that and we owe a lot of money out so borrowing isn't even an option. I could maybe ask my CBT therapist if they have any further info, or info that may not be online.
I have one friend but she isn't very familiar with my partner, once we all had children we started seeing each other less and less and I only see my friend every month or two, usually at her house. I don't know my partners work colleagues although I do know they are like him and spend half the night on their games.
If I don't discuss 'real' things, I would say my partner seems normal. By which I mean he seems quite laid back, goes about his day and so on. But as soon as we have an argument or if I'm upset he cannot be there. He used to be though and I have felt the way I believe he feels when I started Paroxetine (my partner has never taken meds for anything before, except painkillers and antibiotics). Emotional bluntness, when my daughter cried I felt nothing, when someone said a joke, I felt nothing and that is what I believe I see in my partner, although always only with me, whereas mine was with everyone and everything (I'm no longer on medication and have been off for 13 months).
In front of his and my family he seems as though he is a very happy person, he'll do anything you ask and in all fairness he does a lot for me as I cannot go to the school so he takes and collects her, he takes the bins out as I cannot, he'll carry my heavy bags
We seem to be together all the time as I do not like going places alone. The odd time he'll go on a bike ride, but most of his social time is his and his friends being on the game. He has said that is his chill out time. It feels as though his game is his priority.
I find it hard to trust him so am constantly asking who's texting etc and I know this must get on his nerves, but things he's done in the past (never cheated just deceitful) habe made me this way.
When I had my daughter he walked out on me multiple times, one when I was still wearing my support stocking after a c section, so my daughter must have been days old.
I just don't know what to do, think or feel anymore. My mind is all over. I am more than happy to accept I'm to blame in many instances, but my partner can't even acknowledge any mistakes he's ever made. Feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.my biggest fear(other than people's dying etc) is being a single parent. I do not want my daughter brought up like that, I was brought up in both a single and double parent household and I know which one was best.
KeeKee,
What i've read here sounds very similar to an ex partner of mine. Has he always been so laid back and off with his emotions or is this a relatively new thing?
It sounds to me like he may be a bit depressed or unhappy, alternatively if he's always been this way then it may be his personality and the way he chooses to deal with things. I can fully understand your frustration.
Him being on his game a lot, it is an issue. Of course it's healthy to have 'hobbies or interests' and everyone needs there alone time. When it takes over a persons life however and they would much rather play their game than anything else i think it's a definite issue.
Has he always been a gamer? I've noticed a pattern and many seem very 'switched off' with their emotions.
Have you sat down and spoke with him about all of this that you feel ect? Sometimes just because a person doesn't seem to show outwardly that they care or are affected doesn't mean they aren't. It could be that for his own reasons he has trouble expressing emotion like this.
I can relate to the feeling like you're fighting a losing battle, i've been there and it is completely draining. You need to know how he feels and if he does want to make things better, and if he understands how you're affected by this. You need to get him to speak and as Terry said maybe counselling is the way forward.
:hugs:
Hi Sam123, he has always been a gamer. There have been periods where he didn't go on, but they never lasted. It wouldn't even bother me so much if he still acknowledged my existence once in a while. Or if he'd refrain from using the microphone when I'm in bed as I hate nothing more than being kept awake.
I genuinely think he is unhappy with me, but not depressed overall. But then why can't he either leave or try to make things better rather than threatening to leave and giving me the silent treatment which makes things so much worse for me. When I met my partner I was self conscious, but now I actually have zero confidence. When I look in the mirror I see an absolute state looking back at me. I feel I look old and although I hope to be with my partner for eternity I fear if we did separate, I'd never meet another man agajn. I can't even answer the door with no makeup on, even to a relative. My partner has never saw me with my hair up etc etc, I can't go through this again with someone else. He has always seemed to want to flee when relationship issue occur, or if he feels I am over reacting. A very close relative of mine received a cancer diagnosis in December and my partner was lovely. But when he felt I'd gone too far he turned nasty and even said 'you don't even know what stage it is yet' as if only latter stages are something to be upset about. He has always been unhygienic and lazy. Not dissimilar to my brother actually who is also a gamer, but my brother is a teen and my partner isn't.
I feel like I am a drain on my partner, I feel like I have unintentionally ruined his life and he somehow has something against me.
Thank you for replying
KeeKee,
This again is so similar to my experience. It's a complex issue as it's on both sides here, whether your partner has contributed to your self confidence issues or not you need to address them. For your sake and your daughters too, there is a way back from this and you can be happy again but it's a journey you have to take.
From the sounds of it you're completely drained emotionally and don't feel like you're getting anything from him, i know the frustration and it's like trying to get blood out of a stone sometimes.
I think you definitely need some 'you time' time to concentrate on yourself putting your worries over your partner to one side for a while, i know it's hard but before anyone can love you, you must love yourself.
Even if he were to open up and you were to get relationship counselling, you still have your own issues to tend to and i think it's important that both people in a relationship are also individuals.
I don't think what you're going through is that uncommon unfortunately, and there are many women who feel like you do and also many men with the same personality. It doesn't have to stay this way.
I think this is where positive thinking comes in, instead of focusing on the negatives, and all the things that could happen you need to remind yourself of the positives, your self esteem is very low.
Therapy will help with this have you considered speaking to your GP about your self confidence?
Write down the things you do like about yourself, this can be personality traits appearance anything. If you struggle then you need to ask yourself why? It's not that you're a state, it's that you are in a state of negative thinking.
There are clear problems in your relationship but i wouldn't write it off at all, if two people want to be together you can make it work. But as i said first you need to focus on yourself and getting yourself in to a better more positive frame of mind, however you want to do that. Try and spend time where ever possible doing little things you enjoy, spend time on yourself and focus on all the good points.
:hugs:
---------- Post added at 12:20 ---------- Previous post was at 12:16 ----------
P.S I really do feel what you are going through, it's not a nice feeling when you know you love someone that much you can't imagine life without them, but you're worried and feel lost. You feel like a drain on him because you're constantly picking i get that, but you just want something from him. I understand.
Relationships have a balance of power sometimes depending on things like self esteem and the value each has for each other. If you have a fear of him leaving you and he knows you inside out then he feels he has a lot of power in the relationship. He maybe feels like he has the value. He knows you need him.
Unfortunately that can mean he doesn't feel he needs to try as much.
Listening to problems, cheering someone up, making them feel loved requires time and effort. Playing games consoles is escapism. It's much more rewarding and low effort than giving to a partner who you feel will accept less anyway because they need you more.
Because of the difficult place you've found yourself in he has developed this way. Your daughter only has to see him get away with not having to do stuff so many times before she too will feel she can get away with not having to do stuff. If she gets away with that then that relationship forms that way too.
That's a black and white way of looking at it. There are probably all sorts of grey areas in there too. The fact he is reasonable until you give him any grief about where you feel he falls short suggests he is exactly that. He is protective over the situation he has developed for himself.
I'm a husband. I also know what it can be like being on the end of a partners bad moods though and being dragged into arguments. I don't know how much of it is him wanting to turn away from having to put more effort in or turning away from arguments. Only you can know that.
Your partner will value you more when he sees you value and respect yourself more. Part of that is accepting less crap, having higher standards, feeling you deserve more. And importantly showing that you really are prepared to end the relationship if your standards aren't met. You don't have to scream and shout. It can be whispered. It's just to communicate that the relationship isn't doing it for you. Stay calm. "I deserve more". "You've got to put more effort in to show you care". Show a certain amount of understanding so he doesn't feel under attack and becomes defensive.
He won't believe you so he probably won't change. Calmly show him you've reached the end and you are prepared to break up. You're the boss ! Show them both the new you ! It'll be scary but you can change the balance of power in the relationship by having these standards and showing you absolutely mean it.
You either get more respect and value in your relationships which will boost your well being and self esteem or you get rid of someone who is potentially using you without giving much back.
Your daughter will fall into line as soon as she sees you mean what you say. Demand your standards, have your consequences, follow through EVERY time. Positive attention can also help bring kids into line. Spend time with her, show interest and help her to understand it all. It's easier for them to follow the rules if they understand everything.
The above is only a theory by the way. I don't know everybody involved so it's difficult to be sure you are giving the correct advice. Apologies if I've read any of your situation wrong.
Thanks again for replying Sam123,
I an currently doing CBT for the second time. I have mentioned my self esteem and all my other issues, but because I have so many, he said I should pick a few most important ones and I think they're all equally important so let him decide. I couldn't even tell you which issue were working on, but I absolutely find CBT so frustrating. There are very few positives I see in myself. One was always that I am a very honest person, but lately I've been telling white lies to avoid conflict (not with my partner I'm 100% honest with him).
I completely agree with you that 2 people can work if they really want to and I have a mindset that I will not leave my partner unless he cheats or becomes violent, both of which I doubt will ever occur. The hard thing is even asking him to do the odd dish is 'petty' in his eyes. He does work, but I used to work full time and come home to a sink full of dishes and my partner was outside with my daughter and the neighbours and he wouldn't come in until her bedtime. I'm too shy to go out if the neighbours are there.
There is also very little that I enjoy, I like to read, but it doesn't lift my mood it merely kills the time. I no longer find things funny, I feel awkward even around my own family, I gained a lot of weight from antidepressants that I amember half way through losing and I just feel like my life is over.
I also struggle emotionally with my daughter, again this has been addressed in CBT but my homework is always doing more things I enjoy, which is nothing, and writing positives about myself which I seldom do and the positives I do right down I feel I'm only writing them to please him. I don't actually think they're a positive if that makes sense.
Thanks so much for replying again, it's nice to hear from someone who has been through a similar experience.
---------- Post added at 12:48 ---------- Previous post was at 12:40 ----------
Hi Oosh, thanks for taking the time to reply. A few things you have said actually echo what I have been told at CBT (offering positiveness to my daughter etc) so it makes perfect sense. Also saying that she'll see my partner get away with not doing any housework for example is spot on as I see him in her everyday.
Also you saying he knows I need him so he makes minimal effort is also spot on. However, I truly do need him and although eventually I would adjust to being single, things such as going on the school run and even leaving the house alone will never get easier, as I do those things now and they feel harder and harder (although the school run is usually done by my partner and I only go if I feel ok).
Yes it makes sense and i can feel the point you're at now, it's very hard especially when you have day to day stresses to deal with it's difficult to find motivation from anywhere and you end up stuck in a rut. The only way things will change is with action and that can be tough, you're having therapy which is good and a positive as you are actively trying to do something to change your life.
I can't relate fully to the self confidence issues as for some reason, regardless of what i've been through i've always stayed quiet self confident(probably too much some would say) :roflmao:
But i do understand it as a close friend of mine was the same, it's not nice to see anyone like this. You mentioned putting on weight which would have affected your confidence and that you were quite self conscious before your relationship too, so this area really needs work. When i was in the same position as you i felt as though he, whether intentionally or not would make me feel like it was all me, always me overreacting or me with the issue. That's because he didn't seem to care about much at all. It made me question myself a lot but in the end i was right, i was unhappy and if you're unhappy things need to change, it's not just him as i said you openly admit your own issue's that need working on and recognize them, so i think you're in a good place to start there.
Thanks again for replying and there is no such thing as too much confidence. I know confident people and they all seem to be happy and strong minded.
The weight thing really knocked me down as when I met my partner I was stick thin, I even had a child and come out of the other end stick thin, then months after starting Prozac my weight drastically increased. What makes it harder is that my appetite never increased, I didn't become less active (I am an emotional eater so in theory I should have actually lost weight once my depression got under control) and I know those messed up my metabolism. That was almost 6 years ago and I gained 2 stone from antidepressants. I am now 13 months off them and have lost one of those 2 stone so 'only' another to go. I haven't dieted or exercised to lose this weight so it only proves in my heart that the antidepressants altered my natural body makeup. Anyway hopefully that is now sorted but I still feel bitter because I said time and time again that I did not want to try medication, but my relatives, GP at the time (my GP now is lovely), the health visitor all tried to get me to try them which I eventually did and they are now my biggest regret to date.
My partner always seems to blame me too. He even thinks I see things because I am depressed such as him looking at others girls when we are out. He has plenty of time when I'm not there to do that so it aggravates me when he does it when I'm there. He thinks I have started every argument we've ever had, he thinks I am miserable and for someone with anxiety, depression and BDD, I think I'm pretty upbeat at times. Even at my CBT session it was mentioned that I may be seeing things worse than they are due to my issues, which at times I do. But I always recognise when I've done that after the.fact and apologise.
So sorry for blabbing on. I've felt so emotional today can't even think straight. My partner has currently gone to his 'friends' who he barely knows and still isn't home. This is the 3rd or 4th time this week and the second time this late.
Don't apologize it's what this place is here for. Is he supportive of you at all in terms of your therapy, anxiety/depression and do you get to talk to each other much or does he seem disinterested?
You said earlier you can't think of any positives for yourself, i don't know you in person but from this thread you seem like a lovely person, friendly, caring, truthful, humble, modest to name a few. :D
I feel like getting involved and telling him to get his butt back and give you a big hug but that's just me getting carried away with myself. Like we said before there's definite issue's here but you are aware of them and willing to put in the work to try and make things right you can't say fairer than that.
I'm really routing for you :hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
18-05-15, 06:56
He seems selfish when you consider him using his headphones in bed while you are trying to sleep, seeing his mates too often & for too long and not doing his share around the house/with your daughter, etc. Its like he is almost single, not someone who lives with his partner and had a family.
Maybe he is unhappy as opposed to depressed. This needs addressing though as its unfair on you that you are doing so much.
LauraWoo84
26-05-15, 00:47
Keekee I totally relate to all that you have said apart from my other half not being a gamer but it's all about his motorbikes. I believe after seven years together time has been called on the relationship but I'm so frightened to leave due to my anxiety and depression
I have very few friends and feel so lost in this world in which we live in
Keekee, I've just been through something similar.
I was with a man who I thought was pretty much the last man is be with, or 'the one' as some might say.
He had a great job, I've been able to work part time and concentrate on my art as a result. He stopped being intimate with me at first, and when I spoke to him about it months ago he just put it down to stress from work. 2 weeks ago I had a bit of a breakdown, and I've been signed off work by my doctor. Right after this happened, my partner decided he wanted us to go a break. Obviously I was heartbroken but hoped the space was all he needed and that I could come back home,
Yesterday he met with me and broke it all off. He claims he met me too early and needs time by himself. I thought we were perfect and I can't imagine life without him.
Like Laurawoo posted previously, I also have very few friends so getting any support is so hard. I feel like I've lost everything.
The thing is, if it does happen, and he leaves, you're not going through this alone. I promise. And then maybe he's clearing room for positive change. X
---------- Post added at 10:45 ---------- Previous post was at 10:41 ----------
Keekee I totally relate to all that you have said apart from my other half not being a gamer but it's all about his motorbikes. I believe after seven years together time has been called on the relationship but I'm so frightened to leave due to my anxiety and depression
I have very few friends and feel so lost in this world in which we live in
Laura you are not alone! I've just had to leave my home because my partner called time on our relationship during one of my worst periods of anxiety and insomnia, I'd been signed off work and then he told me he needed to be alone.
You can always talk to me if you need to, heck knows I'd appreciate talking to someone who understands too!
Hi everyone,
I know this post is a few months old, I have just recently joined the forum and have been reading back some posts, felt I needed to post on here and ask how everyone is?
Also to say you are all not alone, I've been through something very similar, so many points you have all said rang true with me.
Keekee, like yourself I was terrified my boyfriend would leave me, and unfortunately he did .. and I have blamed myself for so so long and like Laura and Ashlie said I have felt very very alone, I had to move out of his place and back to my own house - which luckily I'd kept on and the loneliness is horrible but its so nice coming on here and reading that I'm not going through it alone. He was my best friend and the person that I told about all my horrible thoughts and insecurities and low self esteem issues.
This happened to me in January - although he was messing me about from October and we were still 'seeing' each other... and I'm only just beginning to realise now that it wasn't all my fault, he couldn't deal with my insecurity and help me, I know I need to try and find a way to do that whole 'love myself' first thing .. but its pretty scary ...
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