Need for affirmation

[Spikie]

Hi all

I find that if I'm alone at work I'm fine, happy to express opinions to clients, happy that what I'm doing is the correct use of my time.

As soon as my boss is in I am constantly doubting everything I do, wondering how she would do it, whether what I'm doing is the best use of my time, whether she is mad at me and I don't realise it...

I find I need her to keep telling me I'm doing fine. I had an appraisal a few weeks ago and got a glowing review (which I obviously didn't believe, she is clearly just saying it), so I should be content, but... well, as I say, I assume she is just saying it.

I can't keep asking her 'am I doing ok', any suggestions as to fixing myself?

[Oosh]

I remember your exam thread. I cant decide yet if you are just prone to finding the thing to get neurotic about in a situation :)
I dont mean that in a negative way. Im prone to that, especially if the things that could go wrong are things that really bother me, work stuff for example, work places and anything that influences those situations negatively.
Ill just be drawn to the possibility of danger and can become quite neurotic until ive made that situation safe/r.

A quick shot at it would be that your reaction is based on who you imagine your boss to be.
You say you feel your work is adequate.
You say you cant believe your boss could ever find your work adequate.
Why ? Who`s your boss ? Do you even know who she is as a person or do you just guess ?

Whats obvious is that you believe she is the sort of person who couldnt possibly find your work adequate.
And yet, in reality, you probably dont know who your boss really is as a person, what her experiences are, what she worries about at night, what she wants and what she doesnt want.
So start by trying to entertain the idea that your boss is a person who COULD find what you do adequate.

So why might that be ?
Start to build up a new picture of your boss.

Your boss is human just like you. She fears this, fears that, doesnt want to be hurt, doesnt feel that lovable sometimes, wishes she was thinner, prettier. She worries about work. She pigs out sometimes and watches crappy movies to cheer herself up and try to forget about her work anxieties. Putting on that strong, boss persona is so energy consuming. Maybe she should do something else. A thought she often has. Maybe she`s not cut out to be a boss. One day someone will find out and fire her. She very much depends on her staff. But they can so often disappoint. All she wants from them is to offer her these three qualities (insert three qualities you feel you exhibit in your working day when you are happy with your work. Three qualities you feel she couldnt fail to value). If she could only find good staff that exhibits these qualities she could relax a bit. Her anxiety would lower. It would free up so much time to focus on the other things in her life, mum, dad, her health, her relationship. God she`d be thankful if she could find staff like that.
She`s surrounded by staff who cant connect with clients at all and fail to use their time productively etc. They can be rude, make mistakes etc etc
There is one member of staff who she is happy with (THATS YOU !)
He connects very well with clients, i can always trust him to use his time well and (etc etc Insert your three qualities).
Its an area i dont have to worry about and that feels good. I dont have to lay awake at night worrying, i dont have to comfort eat, i dont have to keep questioning my working future.

Now the next time your boss walks in, see THIS her. Exhibit her three qualities knowing she values them and you make her life easier. She needs help, help her.

What do you do to make it ok ? You exhibit her three qualities. You KNOW you are adequate and appreciated. It makes sense to you. You can believe it.
Now when she comes into the workplace you feel more connected to her, understand her, you exhibit your qualities and feel you please her and make her life easier. These qualities come naturally to you so you feel comfortable. You feel valued.

I used to use this with people to lower my anxiety associated with them. I found it could work in an instant.

When you are less anxious about these people you can forget yourself and function much better. Repetition creates a habit. It will become the default way to see it and the way you feel will refelct this because where your thoughts go your emotions follow.

Play with how you see it. Whatever does it for you.

Whilst developing a more realistic, human view of other people, you are also raising your own value for what you offer.

[Spikie]

Can I just say I read part of your reply thinking '... this isn't my boss replying is it...?!?' I'm going to assume not though :)

I agree with your first comment, if I am in any way tense/stressed I tend to become neurotic about a thing, and I've found over time the thing isn't the thing, the stress is the thing. The stress is internal and the neurotic feelings are just the visible part, the overflow. Things I wouldn't worry about suddenly become my focus if I am stressed about anything.

I don't quite know what my overall stress is at the moment, but I don't think it is 'my boss hates me', I think that is just a more recurring thought when I'm stressed.

I think my neurotic focus is often based on people, as I tend not to get them so I am always wary that they aren't thinking what I think they are, that all is not well even if it appears it is. My first therapist used to tell me until I get superpowers and can read minds, I shouldn't try.

I think your post highlights that perfectly, I have no idea what is going on in my bosses head, I can either drive myself insane (possibly literally) trying to guess, or I can assume she isn't actively thinking of me (or better yet, as you say, that she is thinking good things).

I will do my best! Thank you for taking the time to help me.

[Oosh]

:)

Thing is, by choosing the positive outlook you empathise with her, relate to her as a real person with human issues just like you and probably connect with her more positively, feel more comfortable around her, which she'll pick up and probably return.

The fact is, the boss I described is how bosses CAN feel behind closed doors to varying degrees so picturing her like that isn't exactly fiction. Just because you don't get to know that side of her , because she puts on a persona when she leaves the house everyday, doesn't mean that isn't her, to some degree underneath.

It's beneficial to your ability to connect with her to see her as the "person" anyway. It provokes empathy and creates a better connection. We are all human underneath.