Westielove
22-05-15, 12:28
Hello fellow worriers
I am a new member here but definitely not new to these forums. Like many of you, I am a frequent scourer of them due to the constant search for reassurance, clues, tips etc etc.
So I have been debating whether to post anything as I suppose until now I thought in a way I could control my health anxiety, if that is in fact what it is. In my case it could just be a phobia, I'm not sure.
I wrote this a week ago while working away, however now I am back at home and desperately freaking out so had to update it a bit!! My story is below but basically my fear is at its absolute worst because the last couple of nights I went to bed almost crying with fear and then I woke up at 2:30 am with cold sweats!!! I immediately googled (I know) and my ultimate fear appeared on the screen - HIV!! I didn't even know it was a symptom of that!! Now I am shaking constantly with fear!! I have my first therapy session in a couple of hours but wanted to also ask you guys if you have experienced night sweats due to anxiety?
Also if you would like to hear my story, please keep reading. Thank you!
I would like to tell you my story and whether you respond or not, for me, simply writing this post is calming me slightly from a rather long winded worry/panic period. I am flying back from a work trip and with nothing, no one to distract me, my mind is going into overdrive, as usual. It is a long winded post, but it is more of an experience/feelings share rather than a plea for help/reassurance. I hope you will take the time to read it.
Just a little background info not that it makes a difference really. I am a 30 year old woman from the UK, well brought up, well educated (or so I thought), and extremely happily married.
So here I go - I am convinced the universe is telling me that I have 'it'. I see it everywhere..in the news, in films, in conversation, in random sentences..I hear people say 'the' word and my heart stops, then immediately starts beating so fast I think I may die. I feel sick, constantly. The subject is more frequently appearing in my daily life through media or such like..so much so, I am positive that they are 'signs' for me. I can't face to fully inform myself about symptoms, risk of contraction, chances of having 'it', but the limited information I do have about it makes me convinced I have it. I cannot have been careless 2 times and not have it. I must be punished for that, surely?
Most of you will probably be thinking - just go and get tested and find out! Simple. But it's not that simple. I have such a fear of finding out bad news that I would prefer not to know. But of course, not knowing is driving me insane. Literally. I also know that physically I would not be able to get through the test. Not conscious anyway. For sure I will collapse, or break down with nerves and trembling or vomit, have a heart attack, not be able to communicate...or all of the above.
Ignorantly, I used to think 'it' was something so far from my world that it never even crossed my mind until the last couple of years when I started to realise that it is in fact a huge problem and closer to 'my world' than I thought. It is not just a disease for needle users, gay men and African people. 'Reputable' girl next door type of people can also easily be at risk. When this hit home was when the anxiety/panic attacks started. 3 years later, this phobia of mine is at it's peak.
Stupidly, at time I thought that these 2 'careless mistakes' were harmless. Nice looking, presentable, well educated, successful businessmen - these type of men would never have such a thing. To add fuel to that ignorant mentality, I was told by a nurse (upon going to the sexual health clinic afterwards and requesting the test along with others) that I was 'low risk' so that particular one was not necessary. Ah ok, great, I thought, so consequently I forgot about it for 4 or so years. Such naivety.
Now I see it everywhere. For example - Emmerdale (UK soap opera) - if it can happen to a 60 year old lady it could happen to me!
Precious - (a disturbing film about a rape victim who contracts it) - I found out through this that it is not always passed to the baby if pregnant mother is positive. Which immediately squashed the factor which gave me slight peace of mind which was that one of the men had children (so it must be ok, I used to think)
Dallas Buyers club - the latest movie about 'it' in the 80s. It was during this film that I thought my innocent toe cramps brought on by ill fitting shoes could possibly be a 'symptom'. Now every time I have a cramp in my leg or foot I think it's that!!
Information on Internet - I'm not a symptom googler..not anymore after being traumatised about my findings. After discovering the HA forums, I much prefer to seek reassurance through fellow HA sufferers experiences/advice - until recently!! Something I read on one of the posts triggered a major panic attack - they mentioned that people upon contracting 'it', sometimes get immediately sick as it's the body's way of reacting to the sudden introduction to the disease - well I thought - OMG!! I remember I got sick immediately after one of the times. Surely it wasn't a coincidence?
In recent months I'm getting so paranoid about 'signs'.. I turn over the channel and there is a news feature about 'it' and a recent outbreak in the U.S...Then I'm scrolling through the headlines in the bbc news app and another article pops into my view, about 'it' being a growing problem..then I go to type something into Google and a predictive 'suggestion' appears offering information about 'it'... Is the universe trying to give me hints in some way??
Plus the fact that I constantly visualise (and I mean vividly) finding out the bad news..breaking it to my family..the depression that would follow..I would have to flee the country and cut off contact with all friends as I wouldn't be able to face them. Despite my hardest efforts, why can't I visualise any positive news? I have always had very strong and accurate instincts...could my instincts be trying to tell me something??
I know what I have to do - but I just can't!! I really can't!! I think I would kill myself if I was given the bad news. I am not a very positive person although I try my hardest to be..and on the outside I do a very good job of fooling people into thinking I am.
So at the moment I am desperately miserable because of the constant fear and this thought just lingering permanently at the front of my mind.
The unfair thing is..everything else in my life is wonderful. Not only do I have an amazing family..I somehow managed to find and marry the perfect man, my soulmate and we have a love that I never new existed in real life. I have of course confided in him many times about my 'phobia' and he has been so supportive and talked me down from many panic attacks. But unless you are in the same boat, you never fully understand I think. My have now been together for 3 years and married for nearly 1. When we were a year into our relationship, he went to get tested twice (in two hospitals, just to make double sure) in order to put my mind at rest and also because it was the sensible thing to do. Of course they were both negative. The doctor also assured him that if we had been sleeping together for 1 year and I had it then he would for sure get it too. This news put my mind at rest slightly..even though I still hadn't been. THEN I found out something that triggered a crazy panic attack - on the HA forum, someone mentioned in their post that they know a married couple who still have sex even though one is positive, and the other one doesn't have it!!!!! So naturally, I cannot get that out of my mind now.
I want to educate myself more about it..but I am too scared to read anything about it.. You have probably noticed by now that I can't even write the word!! If I see it written I go into a nervous wreck!
I seem to have a pretty strong immune system..never sick etc. However a few things have happened which made me immediately 'associate'. 1) swollen lymph nodes in neck that took a couple of months to go down. 2) headaches 3) cramps in feet 4) getting sick after one 'encounter' 5) recent change in skin on forehead (dry patch)
I am in utter despair. I keep telling myself I will go and get it done, find out once and for all. Enough with this constant fear of the unknown. But then I physically can't bring myself to go. I think, Ok I don't want the bad news just before my holiday so I will go after that. And this continues.
As my husband and I settle into married life and make exciting plans for travel, babies etc..I should be the happiest I have ever been..yet everything is being tainted by this fear of 'it'.
I am not sure what I am hoping for from your responses..I know you will just encourage me to go and find out. But I can't, I really can't. The fact is, if I have got 'IT' - my life will be over anyway (mentally) - so what is the point in finding out that my life is ruined? So in my opinion, (and to end with the key word in this story) - IGNORANCE is bliss(?)
Thanks for listening. Sharing is therapeutic, albeit temporary.
Peace (of mind) and love to all xx
I am a new member here but definitely not new to these forums. Like many of you, I am a frequent scourer of them due to the constant search for reassurance, clues, tips etc etc.
So I have been debating whether to post anything as I suppose until now I thought in a way I could control my health anxiety, if that is in fact what it is. In my case it could just be a phobia, I'm not sure.
I wrote this a week ago while working away, however now I am back at home and desperately freaking out so had to update it a bit!! My story is below but basically my fear is at its absolute worst because the last couple of nights I went to bed almost crying with fear and then I woke up at 2:30 am with cold sweats!!! I immediately googled (I know) and my ultimate fear appeared on the screen - HIV!! I didn't even know it was a symptom of that!! Now I am shaking constantly with fear!! I have my first therapy session in a couple of hours but wanted to also ask you guys if you have experienced night sweats due to anxiety?
Also if you would like to hear my story, please keep reading. Thank you!
I would like to tell you my story and whether you respond or not, for me, simply writing this post is calming me slightly from a rather long winded worry/panic period. I am flying back from a work trip and with nothing, no one to distract me, my mind is going into overdrive, as usual. It is a long winded post, but it is more of an experience/feelings share rather than a plea for help/reassurance. I hope you will take the time to read it.
Just a little background info not that it makes a difference really. I am a 30 year old woman from the UK, well brought up, well educated (or so I thought), and extremely happily married.
So here I go - I am convinced the universe is telling me that I have 'it'. I see it everywhere..in the news, in films, in conversation, in random sentences..I hear people say 'the' word and my heart stops, then immediately starts beating so fast I think I may die. I feel sick, constantly. The subject is more frequently appearing in my daily life through media or such like..so much so, I am positive that they are 'signs' for me. I can't face to fully inform myself about symptoms, risk of contraction, chances of having 'it', but the limited information I do have about it makes me convinced I have it. I cannot have been careless 2 times and not have it. I must be punished for that, surely?
Most of you will probably be thinking - just go and get tested and find out! Simple. But it's not that simple. I have such a fear of finding out bad news that I would prefer not to know. But of course, not knowing is driving me insane. Literally. I also know that physically I would not be able to get through the test. Not conscious anyway. For sure I will collapse, or break down with nerves and trembling or vomit, have a heart attack, not be able to communicate...or all of the above.
Ignorantly, I used to think 'it' was something so far from my world that it never even crossed my mind until the last couple of years when I started to realise that it is in fact a huge problem and closer to 'my world' than I thought. It is not just a disease for needle users, gay men and African people. 'Reputable' girl next door type of people can also easily be at risk. When this hit home was when the anxiety/panic attacks started. 3 years later, this phobia of mine is at it's peak.
Stupidly, at time I thought that these 2 'careless mistakes' were harmless. Nice looking, presentable, well educated, successful businessmen - these type of men would never have such a thing. To add fuel to that ignorant mentality, I was told by a nurse (upon going to the sexual health clinic afterwards and requesting the test along with others) that I was 'low risk' so that particular one was not necessary. Ah ok, great, I thought, so consequently I forgot about it for 4 or so years. Such naivety.
Now I see it everywhere. For example - Emmerdale (UK soap opera) - if it can happen to a 60 year old lady it could happen to me!
Precious - (a disturbing film about a rape victim who contracts it) - I found out through this that it is not always passed to the baby if pregnant mother is positive. Which immediately squashed the factor which gave me slight peace of mind which was that one of the men had children (so it must be ok, I used to think)
Dallas Buyers club - the latest movie about 'it' in the 80s. It was during this film that I thought my innocent toe cramps brought on by ill fitting shoes could possibly be a 'symptom'. Now every time I have a cramp in my leg or foot I think it's that!!
Information on Internet - I'm not a symptom googler..not anymore after being traumatised about my findings. After discovering the HA forums, I much prefer to seek reassurance through fellow HA sufferers experiences/advice - until recently!! Something I read on one of the posts triggered a major panic attack - they mentioned that people upon contracting 'it', sometimes get immediately sick as it's the body's way of reacting to the sudden introduction to the disease - well I thought - OMG!! I remember I got sick immediately after one of the times. Surely it wasn't a coincidence?
In recent months I'm getting so paranoid about 'signs'.. I turn over the channel and there is a news feature about 'it' and a recent outbreak in the U.S...Then I'm scrolling through the headlines in the bbc news app and another article pops into my view, about 'it' being a growing problem..then I go to type something into Google and a predictive 'suggestion' appears offering information about 'it'... Is the universe trying to give me hints in some way??
Plus the fact that I constantly visualise (and I mean vividly) finding out the bad news..breaking it to my family..the depression that would follow..I would have to flee the country and cut off contact with all friends as I wouldn't be able to face them. Despite my hardest efforts, why can't I visualise any positive news? I have always had very strong and accurate instincts...could my instincts be trying to tell me something??
I know what I have to do - but I just can't!! I really can't!! I think I would kill myself if I was given the bad news. I am not a very positive person although I try my hardest to be..and on the outside I do a very good job of fooling people into thinking I am.
So at the moment I am desperately miserable because of the constant fear and this thought just lingering permanently at the front of my mind.
The unfair thing is..everything else in my life is wonderful. Not only do I have an amazing family..I somehow managed to find and marry the perfect man, my soulmate and we have a love that I never new existed in real life. I have of course confided in him many times about my 'phobia' and he has been so supportive and talked me down from many panic attacks. But unless you are in the same boat, you never fully understand I think. My have now been together for 3 years and married for nearly 1. When we were a year into our relationship, he went to get tested twice (in two hospitals, just to make double sure) in order to put my mind at rest and also because it was the sensible thing to do. Of course they were both negative. The doctor also assured him that if we had been sleeping together for 1 year and I had it then he would for sure get it too. This news put my mind at rest slightly..even though I still hadn't been. THEN I found out something that triggered a crazy panic attack - on the HA forum, someone mentioned in their post that they know a married couple who still have sex even though one is positive, and the other one doesn't have it!!!!! So naturally, I cannot get that out of my mind now.
I want to educate myself more about it..but I am too scared to read anything about it.. You have probably noticed by now that I can't even write the word!! If I see it written I go into a nervous wreck!
I seem to have a pretty strong immune system..never sick etc. However a few things have happened which made me immediately 'associate'. 1) swollen lymph nodes in neck that took a couple of months to go down. 2) headaches 3) cramps in feet 4) getting sick after one 'encounter' 5) recent change in skin on forehead (dry patch)
I am in utter despair. I keep telling myself I will go and get it done, find out once and for all. Enough with this constant fear of the unknown. But then I physically can't bring myself to go. I think, Ok I don't want the bad news just before my holiday so I will go after that. And this continues.
As my husband and I settle into married life and make exciting plans for travel, babies etc..I should be the happiest I have ever been..yet everything is being tainted by this fear of 'it'.
I am not sure what I am hoping for from your responses..I know you will just encourage me to go and find out. But I can't, I really can't. The fact is, if I have got 'IT' - my life will be over anyway (mentally) - so what is the point in finding out that my life is ruined? So in my opinion, (and to end with the key word in this story) - IGNORANCE is bliss(?)
Thanks for listening. Sharing is therapeutic, albeit temporary.
Peace (of mind) and love to all xx