I need some advice

[steph25]

Hi all, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post so I apologise before hand if it's wrong.

I suffer from anxiety and I suffer from health anxiety (got much better with that ) and a different anxiety about my boyfriend. I worry about him whenever he goes out drinking (my Mum was an alcoholic).

We've been together four and a half years, living together for three. We moved to London together three years ago for his job. The only people we really know here is his work colleagues (I know some of their girlfriends) but he's made these new friends (still work colleagues) over the past few months and they are all his staff (he's recently been promoted and brought them in) and they are all young and single (we're young but they have only just finished uni)

He used to go out once every two weeks with his mates and we used to do things together but now nothing, not even weekends (he spends it catching up on sleep). Instead of going out together, he's going out with this boys and getting blind drunk 2-3 times a week.

I'll give you an example about what happens, this happened on Friday:

He was meant to finish work at four and but at 5:30 I got a message saying he's going out for a pint with one of his staff members. I sent him a reply saying is it only a pint or is it going to be a late one. Fast forward to 2am and I've still not heard from him and he still didn't read the message but he had been on his phone multiple times (we message on Whatsapp which says when someone's last been online) but he's ignored me.

He got so drunk he missed work the next day because he got home at 3am and had to be up at 5am for work but was still throwing up. His staff members still made it into work and it's such a bad look.

This kind of stuff is happening 2-3 times a week (he doesn't normally miss work) and it's making me so ill because he never ever contacts me or doesn't charge his phone and it dies by 7pm and I just feel sick constantly.

I don't know if it is my anxiety. I had been doing CBT and doing much better. He knows I have anxiety and what it's about and all I ask is he charges his phone and lets me know what's going on but he never does and he says that it's me being out or order and it's my anxiety but I don't know what it is. I mean it was over 9 hours on Friday when he said just one drink.

I'm so sorry for the long story. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi,

I'm probably going to sound harsh here but not at you, at your BF.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in any way and I don't think anxiety is even a factor. I can't see any GF or wife tolerating this type of selfish behaviour and he would be getting a lot of grief over it!

If he continues missing work intermittently due to being out drinking all night its going to escalate into a capability issue at some point in the future as no employer is going to tolerate it. People who take a lot of days off singular and often after weekends (Mondays) are easily seen as a possibility of hangovers. People talk at work, things will get said about how the others made it in and sooner or later it will find its way back to his boss.

Aside from that, he has blamed you when you have only asked for the consideration that any partner would. He seems to be acting like a single man and I think he needs to grow up and treat you better.

I'm sorry if thats harsh and I don't want you to feel bad in any way but at the same time I think he is acting irresponsibly and should be blaming himself and I don't think its fair that you should be in a position where you are questioning your own recovery due to it.

I think you need to have a discussion about what is appropriate in a relationship and see where it goes. If he wants to act like a single man, he can't expect you to put up with it. There should be boundaries. Maybe they give him grief over being "under the thumb" but he needs to still put your first as they are just work colleagues and he can always tell them to give it a rest or take it on the chin.

[steph25]

Hi,

Thank you so much for your advice. I don't think it's harsh at all, it's what I was thinking. I don't actually mind him going out, I'd just like to know what's going on but he makes me question myself and I was just wondering if it was my anxiety.

I didn't think it was and thank you for your comments, they really do help.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Do you think there are other problems that could feed into it a little? For instance, if he is struggling to cope with the extra demands a partner with anxiety can bring? We can be hard work sometimes and maybe relationships have rocky patches because a partner needs some escape from it for a while?

So, maybe its not anything that isn't fixable and he needs to be talking to you so you can help him as well?

Doing more things together again is going to help you both.