View Full Version : 3rd time lucky?! My citalopram diary
Sparkle1984
24-05-15, 00:20
Yes, I'm back here yet again! On Thursday I started citalopram for the third time in as many years, after facing a serious increase in my anxiety levels in recent weeks. The first time round, I was on it for about 6 months in the second half of 2012/early 2013. I thought I had recovered, but unfortunately I relapsed just a month after coming off the tablets, so I ended up back on them in May 2013. That time, I stayed on them quite a bit longer - I didn't come off them completely until September last year. I had become used to using my wellbeing techniques and I thought I would be OK from then on, but in spring this year I noticed I was becoming more pessimistic about things, and that I was worrying more often and catastrophising about things that wouldn't usually bother me so much. I started to feel like things were getting on top of me again (although, looking back, I think I've taken on too many responsibilities in recent months, and not given myself enough time to relax).
About a couple of weeks ago, my anxiety levels got much worse and I started having trouble sleeping, I had negative thoughts and worries on my mind pretty much constantly and I began to feel constantly on alert, as if I couldn't switch off. I started to lose enjoyment and enthusiasm for my usual hobbies, and I felt as if the slightest thing might make me burst into tears. :weep: On Wednesday afternoon at work, I felt very low and I wanted to cry my eyes out (thankfully I didn't as I wouldn't want to feel silly in front of my colleagues). I didn't sleep that well on Wednesday night, and then at about 3.30am on Thursday morning I woke up feeling extremely panicky and with my mind full of negative thoughts. I don't think I slept any more that night. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would give out, and I also felt hopeless about the future. I felt completely exhausted and couldn't face going to work on Thursday morning, so I called in sick and had an emergency appointment at the doctor's. I completed the usual questionnaires and the doctor said that the anxiety and depression levels are almost equally severe (score 16 for anxiety and 17 for depression). So I'm now back on citalopram and the doctor advised me to contact the Wellbeing Service for additional therapy. He also advised me to cut down on some of my additional responsibilities outside of work.
On Thursday I went round my best friend's house for several hours. She also has anxiety & depression so she understands how it feels, and she invited me round after I texted her to say how I was feeling. I was very grateful for that, as both of my parents were working that day and I would've been at home on my own otherwise. I didn't feel like doing much once I was round my friend's house (she gave me some lunch but I didn't have much of an appetite due to the extreme anxiety) and I still felt completely awful, but I was glad to have someone to keep me company.
Day 1 (Thursday 21st May)
I took my first tablet on Thursday evening after tea (in the past, I always took my tablet in the evenings so I thought I'd stick to that routine). I began to feel a little bit better later in the evening, although my anxiety usually tends to be better in the evenings anyway. My niece came over for tea that evening, and I was able to eat most of my tea. I sat in the conservatory in the early part of the evening, and then later on we watched TV, and I didn't feel too bad at that point.
Day 2 (Friday)
I had booked Friday off as holiday several weeks ago, so I could have a 4 day weekend. I had planned with my parents to go to a local zoo that day, and I didn't feel too bad. It was one we'd never been to before as it had only opened a few years ago. Even though I did still have some negativity in the back of my mind, I think going to the zoo helped to take my mind off things a bit. I took a lot of photos too. We spent 2-3 hours there (it's not a particularly big place), and then later in the afternoon we visited some local gardens to see the bluebells, azaleas and rhoddodendrons. I enjoy going for walks in the countryside and taking photos of flowers. At this point, some of my negative thoughts started to come through more strongly - I started getting thoughts like "what will happen when my parents die, how ever will I cope?" and so on. However, I still feel like being out in the fresh air was better than sitting at home feeling bad. Once we got back home, I discussed my feelings with my step-dad (he is very understanding). Again, later in the evening my mood lifted and I felt less anxious.
Day 3 (Saturday)
Today wasn't quite as good as yesterday, but overall it was better than Thursday. My sleep was rather intermittent in the morning and I didn't feel like getting up until about 10.30am. I didn't really feel motivated to do very much during the day, and I also felt anxious and low. I felt rather jittery and shaky. In the evening, I went round my sister's house for a Thai red curry - although I enjoyed this I still felt rather anxious. One thing that did cheer me up a bit when I was round my sister's is that she asked me what my dream holiday would be, and I said that one day I'd like to go to Iceland to see the Northern Lights. Both my sister and my brother-in-law agreed that they'd like to do this one day, and that I could go with them. When we checked the prices though, we discovered it's rather expensive, so I'm not sure when this will happen, if at all. Later in the evening, I went back home and watched the Eurovision Song Contest with my step-dad. I didn't feel quite as relaxed as I did on Thursday and Friday evening though.
As I'm still feeling rather weird, I'm glad that I have 2 more days before I go back to work (Monday is a bank holiday), although I'll see how I feel on Tuesday morning.
Sparkle1984
24-05-15, 22:04
Day 4
Today has been a tough day as I'm starting to feel the side effects kick in more. I've felt drowsy pretty much all day, even though my sleep wasn't too bad, and I've also lost my appetite. When I got up this morning, I didn't feel like having much for breakfast and it took me longer than usual to eat it. For lunch I had a Sunday carvery at a local restaurant with my parents and my grandmother, but I only managed to eat about half of it. This is unusual for me, as a turkey roast dinner is one of my favourite meals and I usually eat it all, but I lost my appetite the previous times I've been on these meds. Hopefully my appetite will come back again in the next few days.
I've also felt slightly nauseous and right now my left thigh feels tensed up. I had a nap earlier this evening due to the drowsiness, but I didn't feel like I was sleeping properly - it felt weird like I was half asleep most of the time. I don't feel quite as drowsy now though.
I still keep getting anxious thoughts like "What if I don't get better this time?" and "What if I always get these episodes every few months/years for the rest of my life?" I have to keep reminding myself that I've been through many of these episodes in the past, and that I've always recovered eventually, even though things seemed hopeless at the time. Then there's my usual existential thoughts about life, death & dying, mortality and this time round I've also been getting negative thoughts and worries about what life will be like when I'm older, like "Will this country/world become dystopian?", "What will happen if I'm unwell when I'm older? Will there be anyone to look after me?", "What will happen to the economy in this country - will inequality continue to increase?" and "What will quality of life be like for ordinary (ie non-wealthy) people in the future?" As you can see, these are all thoughts about things that are out of my control. That's one of the worst things about my anxiety - I feel a compulsion to worry about things that I can't control, and it's very difficult to stop it as the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. It's like a constant negative vibe in the back of my mind and I can't relax or enjoy things as usual. I was getting all these thoughts before I started on the tablets, and I'm aware it may take a while for these negative intrusive thoughts to die down.
I haven't felt motivated to do much at all in recent days, so I've been trying to take things easy.
Tomorrow is a bank holiday Monday, so I'm due to go back to work on Tuesday. If I don't feel well enough by Tuesday morning, I'll need to ask for a doctor's certificate as I will have been off work for nearly a week (if you are ill during weekends and holidays, my workplace counts that as part of the 7 days as well).
Hi Sparkle, sorry you haven't been well recently. I have been feeling similarly, and wondering if I should go back on lexapro as it was helpful for me last time. I know how you feel, thinking what if you don't get better this time?
You are doing a great job, though, and are reminding yourself that you have gotten better before and can definitely get better again!! Give it some time. How long did you take it last time before you started to see some improvement?
Try to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, as you are doing. :hugs:
Sparkle1984
24-05-15, 22:26
Thanks for the encouragement, swgrl09. :) The first time I was on citalopram, it only took 5 days before I began to see the first signs of improvement. The second time round, it was more gradual - it wasn't until about 4 weeks in that I started to see significant signs of improvement. Both times, it was about 3 months before I felt the full benefit.
xvolatileheart
24-05-15, 22:44
Sending you good thoughts! Hope you get to feeling better soon. Your side effects sound entirely normal. I'm 7 weeks in and still struggling with the half-sleep feeling all the time. Hoping it goes away soon.
I'm 5 months in, and I recently increased my dose, and it helps. I like the fact you are very quick to notice changes in your mood, and you are very proactive in doing something about it. These are all recent changes and you are making every effort to stay on top of things - talking with your stepdad, taking meds, keeping a log of your mood on here. This is all great, keep it up )
It took me months if depression to decide to go on citalopram again, even though I was on it before!
I think about the dystopia type thoughts too. I reckon it's all about how you frame it. If you see all the wonderful stuff in the world, it's easy to feel glowy. If you see all the horrible stuff in the world AND feel powerless to change it, it's easy to feel depressed about it. In my opinion there are elements of the world as it is that are dystopian already. There is a huge amount of inequality - even in the UK, compared to the rest of Europe.
There are three ways I cope with these thoughts:
1) Distract myself and focus on the thing I need to do.
2) Write down all my thoughts, and maybe it will be an interesting thought piece for when I'm more in my right mind.
3) When I'm in a good enough mood to handle thinking about it, I'll try to think up actions I can take to tackle the problems. What's one small thing I can do today to help make the big change happen in the future? Sometimes I work this out through writing.
Hey sparkle, you sound a lot like me with your worries, and those thoughts about wealth inequality etc are me down to a tee!
I'm on 30mg, for me it took a couple of months (and a dose inc from 20 to 30mg) to see a benefit, but I hope you get the relief you've felt before soon, just hang on in there, and let us know how you're getting on :)
Sparkle1984
25-05-15, 21:30
Thanks for your replies and reassurance. Today (Day 5) has been another difficult day - I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep properly after that, and I had a lot of negative thoughts on my mind while I was lying in bed. Sometimes I would fall asleep but would wake up again just a few seconds later, which is very frustrating.
I've felt rather low and anxious again today and I also feel rather lethargic. I didn't go out anywhere today - I was invited round my sister's to watch a local football match on Sky TV, but I didn't feel like leaving the house. This evening I've also felt heightened anxiety, including tightness in my chest.
I didn't do very much today, but I managed to fill in the online referral form for therapy, and I also sorted out my cheque and sponsorship form for the Race For Life (Cancer Research UK fundraising race) that I took part in recently - my stepdad posted this for me. I managed to eat all my tea this evening (noodles and vegetables) so hopefully this is a sign that my appetite is starting to come back. After tea, I played Trivial Pursuit on the Nintendo Wii with my stepdad - I find this helps to take my mind off things a bit. Then after that I watched the first Britain's Got Talent semi-final, but I still felt rather anxious.
I'm glad I'm not the only one to get dystopian/existential-type thoughts. Does anyone have any ideas about how to distract yourself from those sorts of thoughts? I find they're always there in the back of my mind, even when I'm not actively thinking about them.
As things stand, I don't think I'll be well enough to go back to work in the morning. :weep:
There are three ways I cope with these thoughts:
1) Distract myself and focus on the thing I need to do.
2) Write down all my thoughts, and maybe it will be an interesting thought piece for when I'm more in my right mind.
3) When I'm in a good enough mood to handle thinking about it, I'll try to think up actions I can take to tackle the problems. What's one small thing I can do today to help make the big change happen in the future? Sometimes I work this out through writing.
^^ That's how I cope with the dystopia thoughts...
How do I distract myself? Well, two things have helped me. Practice and citalopram. I now find myself automatically distracting myself without too much effort, whereas a few months ago it would be almost impossible. So be patient and give it time, this will pass.
In the meantime, it's good to fill up your day with activities to occupy you so that you don't have as much time to think, if you don't want to. I made a commitment to myself to go out for coffee every day and that regular time filler has helped enormously. I have found that flexing my creative muscles helps. When I'm drawing it's harder to think about dystopia. I have watched a lot of TV too. I once watched three films in one day. Also, I'm pretty much fine when I'm with other people.
On the other hand, sometimes I've just needed to embrace the thoughts I was having, and write it all down. Trying too hard to fight makes it worse. It's been useful to me to record things and try to figure out where they're coming from. I don't know if you'll feel the same. Do you write?
Sparkle, it sounds like you're working hard getting better, so I'm confident you'll be ok if you keep pushing with your current attitude. Filling in forms and cheques and eating your tea are easy things to snub and not make a big deal of, but think of them as achievements, it shows with out a doubt you're progressing.
The dystopia thing is a tough one, I realised a few years back that I was making it worse by hanging around on political forums and certain news sources that would draw me more in to it.
Sparkle1984
26-05-15, 21:30
Thanks for your replies Lior and Mark. I agree that it's a good idea to fill up your diary with things to occupy your mind, and I do find this helpful, even if the thoughts are still there in the background. Even though I haven't felt like going out much lately, I've been trying to do other things to occupy my mind (like playing quizzes and games).
Day 6
I've been signed off work by my doctor until Monday next week. I don't like having to take time off work, but I'm relieved I'll have more time to get over the worst of my symptoms.
I still don't feel great, but overall, I've felt better today than I have for the last 5 days. I've still had negative thoughts and worries, but they feel like they're more in the background now, and they feel slightly less intrusive than before. I've also had fewer physical anxiety symptoms today - I still feel a bit shaky but I haven't experienced that tight-chested sensation so much today. My appetite has also been better today compared to yesterday - I still don't feel like eating loads, but it's not taking me quite so long to eat my food compared to when my appetite was low.
I hope this means that things are starting to get better, but I don't want to get too excited yet - the last time I was on cit, I had lots of "up and down" days for the first 4 weeks or so - one day I'd feel OK-ish, but then the very next day I'd feel awful again.
My sleep is still disturbed - this morning I woke up at 6.50am and couldn't get back to sleep again. I kept thinking about what to say to my manager at work, and I knew I'd need to be up by about 8.30am to contact him. I recall from my previous times on cit, it took about 3 or 4 weeks for my sleep patterns to return to normal - this makes me glad I keep diaries of my progress, so I can compare this time with the previous 2 times I was on the medication.
I had a nap just before mid-day, but I didn't sleep for too long because my sister came round. I did feel better after the nap though. I didn't feel like going out today, but I played some more games and quizzes on my Nintendo Wii and that helped me take my mind off things a bit.
Hi Sparkle, sounds like things are progressing for you. I am glad the tight chest is improving and your appetite. Some things do take longer to go, such as sleep. When I was on lexapro, I struggled with sleeping for a while. Then I was tired a lot.
I made the decision to go back on due to being extremely depressed. I'm seeing my doctor tonight, hope she'll agree. I don't see why she wouldn't. I'm afraid of side effects and also read through my old posts - you are right, they are helpful to compare and remind myself of what is normal to experience!! I am glad you were signed off work. Our MDs can't really do that here. I mean they can if you have something infectious, but other than that not really. They can write a note recommending it, but then I wouldn't get any pay either. I only have 2 sick days right now. My husband said he wished I could just take time off to recharge.
I am happy to see how hard you are trying to keep busy and get well. Keep at it :hugs:
Sparkle1984
26-05-15, 22:29
Thanks swgrl09 and good luck with your doctor's appointment tonight! :) It's a shame your doctors can't sign people off work and that you wouldn't get paid. I think it does help to have a break from your usual responsibilities. Thankfully, the company sick pay scheme where I work is fairly generous (you get full pay for a certain number of weeks - I can't remember exactly how many, and then if you're still not well enough to go back, you can claim statutory sick pay or social security benefits). This gives me some peace of mind at least.
Let me know how you get on. :hugs:
Thanks, Sparkle. It is a shame, our country has got it backwards in a lot of ways with that, maternity leave is not paid, etc. But that's for another thread :)
I hope you are doing ok today! I had my doctors appointment and we are going to start lexapro again. I am picking it up after work today and think I will start tonight, as it made me tired last time. Although in the beginning messed with my sleep, so I don't know if I should start during the day and see how I do.
I just feel like the depression is getting worse and worse, no energy to do what I know I need to in order to feel better. Hoping it can take the edge off. I didn't want to go back, but what can you do?
How are you doing?
Sparkle1984
27-05-15, 21:28
Unfortunately today (Day 7), has felt like a step backwards compared to yesterday. My physical anxiety symptoms came back again today, including the tight-chested feeling and the shakiness. In addition, my negative intrusive thoughts came back more strongly today.
It took me a long time to get to sleep last night - I wasn't anxious, it was more like a feeling of excitement. I don't think I got to sleep until after 2am. Then at 8.30am I got up to switch my computer on to email my manager a scanned copy of my doctor's certificate, saying I'm signed off work until Monday. Then I went back to bed until 10am. But I still felt very tired.
In spite of my tiredness, I felt like I wanted to get out of the house for a while, so I went for a walk around a local woodland with my step-dad. It was nice to be out in the fresh air, in the cool woodland listening to the birds singing, and I also saw some rhododendrons and bluebells. Although these woods are still very nice, they're not quite as good as they were when I was younger - for example today we discovered that the avenue of pine trees (which was one of my favourite sections of the woods) had been cut down - presumably they'd been sold off to be made into wooden fences. For the last 5 years or so, this woodland has been under threat from property developers, although there is a lot of local opposition to their plans. I have many happy memories of walking with my grandmother and her dogs through these woods when I was little, although I don't go there so much nowadays. I also took a few photos in the woods.
Then once we got home from the woods, my eldest sister came round to visit us during her lunchbreak. We talked for a while, and she suggested some ways I can get rid of external pressures I'm facing at the moment - for example in this thread (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=169893) I discuss how someone has been putting me under pressure to write articles and reviews for an online publication, but I find it difficult to say "no" to people and they end up taking me for granted. So my sister suggested I email this person to explain that due to other commitments, I won't have time to write so many articles in the future. In addition to this, for the last 6 years I've had a voluntary job (on top of my day job) running the website for my social club, and I think it is about time I relinquish this position. In this way, I'll have more free time to myself in the evenings and weekends.
In the late afternoon, I had a nap for an hour and listened to a meditation MP3, but I still felt quite anxious when I woke up from that. A while later I had tuna bread rolls for tea, but it feels like my appetite has gone back down again since yesterday - it took me quite a long time to eat the 2 bread rolls. Then in the evening I watched today's semi final of Britain's Got Talent on TV, but I still had a lot of background anxiety and intrusive thoughts.
Swgrl09, I'm glad you got on OK at the doctor's. I've never tried taking medication during the day - I've always taken mine after tea (so around 6.30pm). I've found that once I've been on the medication for a few weeks, it doesn't really make me tired during the day, but I sleep better at night. It is only during the first few weeks that it messes with my sleep. I hope you'll be feeling better soon.
You track things in a high level of detail which is really great - you can notice the little things and the impact they have.
Congratulations on making more free time for yourself by letting go on unnecessary commitments.
Thanks, Sparkle. I have to give you a lot of credit - even when you felt crummy, you went for a walk, took care of yourself, tried to eat, meditated, and are doing what you have to do. With time, this will pass. Nothing is permanent!
Sparkle1984
28-05-15, 21:22
Thanks for your comments - your support means a lot to me, especially during the first few days of starting medication. :)
Day 8
Tonight I increased my dose from 10mg to 15mg. My doctor said to increase to 20mg after a week, but I thought 15mg would be a more gentle increase.
Unfortunately, in terms of my anxiety and mood, today wasn't really that much better than yesterday. I didn't get as much sleep last night as I should have, partly because I stayed up quite late last night to fill in one of my thought challenge forms (I find I tend to think more rationally in the evening and late at night, just before going to bed, so I thought that's the best time to fill in a thought challenge sheet so then I can refer back to it during the day when I get my anxious thoughts). I probably went to sleep at 1.30am, but then I woke up at 8am with my usual morning anxiety, and I couldn't get back to sleep properly after that. So I still felt tired today, but I'll try my best to be in bed by 11pm tonight.
Today I also plucked up the courage to email the man who keeps putting pressure on me to write articles - I let him know that as I've had a lot going on lately, I've been unable to write a review for the latest IT talk. I also explained that due to my current workload and other commitments, I'll no longer be able to write a review for every session. However, I'll still attend the sessions that interest me the most, and the ones which are the most relevant to my job (the subjects are announced in advance), and I'm still prepared to write the odd review every now and again. To my relief, he replied to say thanks for letting him know - he didn't seem angry or disappointed with me. So that's one less thing I have to worry about.
I didn't really do that much today, apart from discuss my anxiety with my step-dad, and we also watched a DVD in the late afternoon (we saw the film Identity Thief). It was quite funny in parts, and even though I laughed, I didn't feel like I could enjoy it fully as I still had negative thoughts in the back of my mind.
My main physical symptoms today have been tiredness, lethargy and feeling a bit jittery. Thankfully I didn't get the tight-chested feeling today, and my appetite was OK. I have begun to feel a little bit more chilled out in the last couple of hours, since I took my increased dose.
I now only have 3 full days until I'm due to go back to work on Monday morning. I really hope I'll be feeling better by then.
Sparkle, that's really great that you advocated for yourself and took a bit off your plate. Hopefully you feel less pressure to write articles and reviews now. Take the time to put yourself first.
It's still early on, one day at a time right? Sounds like your appetite is slowly improving?
That tiredness and jittery feeling is happening to me too, it's really frustrating.
Sparkle1984
29-05-15, 11:35
My appetite has been very up and down, to be honest. Last night, following my dose increase, it took me about an hour to get to sleep as I felt heightened anxiety and a bit agitated. Even though I went to bed at 11pm, I didn't get to sleep until after midnight. Then I woke up at about 7.45am and then I felt very restless until I got up at 10am. I kept drifting in and out of sleep every minute or so. It felt like there was something on my mind, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was. It was something disturbing though - as if there was something nasty or sinister stuck in the back of my mind. I kept trying to count my breaths in order to take my mind off the bad thoughts, but they kept coming back regardless.
When I went downstairs to have my breakfast, it took me a long time to get through it all.
I feel very down this morning, and I keep having horrible intrusive thoughts like "What if I don't get better? What if I don't ever feel well enough to go back to work and end up losing my job? What if I become helpless or what if I'm beyond help this time? What if I don't feel like going out with my social club any more as I feel too unwell? What will other people think of me? What if I get fed up with living with these intrusive thoughts and end up going crazy or something? "
Aren't those thoughts the worst? The important thing to remember is to not get caught up in "what ifs?" because they are like quick sand and will suck you in before any of that has actually even happened. Remind yourself of reality, and the reality is not any of those right now. It's hard, but try to stay in the moment if you can.
Is work understanding if you did get signed off for more time?
Sparkle1984
29-05-15, 22:47
Yes, I think work would be fairly understanding if I did need to get signed off for more time. I hope I wouldn't need more than an extra week though. The first time I was on these meds, I was only off work for 7 working days, so if I needed more time off work this time around, I guess I would see that as a step backwards. One of my best friends has had severe depression for just over a year now, and she was signed off work for over 9 months in total (she just wasn't getting better, and she kept getting her sick leave extended every 2 weeks or so) - in the end she was dismissed from her job due to incapacity to work. I think that might be in the back of my mind as well.
Today I've been trying hard to stay in the moment and not think too far ahead. Even when I try to be mindful and stay in the moment, I still feel negative thoughts in the back of my mind, but I do find that I'm less likely to catastrophise and think of "what ifs".
My sister came round again this afternoon. I actually broke down in tears as I felt so low. I told her about a lot of the "what if" thoughts I've been having, and that a lot of the things I worry about are inevitable things which are out of my control. She did say some things that re-assured me a bit, but my anxiety is the sort which doesn't always respond very well to rational comments - I often tend to worry about things regardless of what re-assurance I'm given. My sister did say though that I mustn't put myself under pressure to recover too quickly, as that would only make me feel worse. She also said that it seems like I'm particularly susceptible to anxiety and depression, and that I probably will have more of these episodes throughout my life. That wasn't what I wanted to hear, but she did also say that as I've recovered in the past, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to recover again.
Later in the afternoon, I played Trivial Pursuit on the Wii again, and I also had a nap just before teatime. My appetite is still up and down, but I managed to eat all my tea tonight, and I had plenty of vegetables. Even though I don't feel like eating quite as much as normal, I try to make sure I still eat enough fruit and vegetables. I suppose the good thing is that I haven't eaten too much junk food like chocolate, as I don't really feel like it at the moment.
Overall, today I've felt about the same as I did yesterday. As it's now Day 9 for me, I hope I won't have to wait too much longer before I see some improvement.
Sparkle1984
30-05-15, 23:13
Day 10
So it's now Day 10 for me, and I'm still experiencing heightened anxiety, but my mood has felt lighter today. I have been smiling and laughing today more than I have been for the last few days - this evening I watched some of my favourite comedies and I was able to laugh at the jokes, even though I felt quite a bit of anxiety (mainly jitteriness, intrusive thoughts in the background and that awful tight-chested feeling). When I was at my worst, I didn't feel like laughing out loud at jokes at all.
This evening I was supposed to be going to an 80s night with my social club, but I didn't go as I don't feel quite right yet. I hate having to cancel plans and in some ways I think going would have helped to cheer me up more, but I wouldn't have wanted to suddenly feel panicky while I was there. I texted the organiser to say that I was feeling unwell and wouldn't be able to make it, and she texted back saying she was sorry to hear that, and she hopes I'm feeling better soon (although I didn't say why I'm unwell).
I had another rough morning - I was intending to get up at 8.30am, but I woke up at 6.30am and was unable to get back to sleep. It seems that I always wake up 2 hours before I'm supposed to: for example, if I know I need to get up at 7am, I'll wake up at 5am, if I'm planning to get up at 9am, I'll wake up at 7am, and so on. Once I'm awake, I can't get back to sleep again, even if I listen to one of my relaxation MP3s. :weep: I'm thinking that maybe it's best if I try to avoid looking at the clock at night time at all!
Today I responded to an email from the local NHS Wellbeing Service, explaining more about the problems I'm facing. So hopefully they will get in touch with me soon to discuss what sort of help I can receive.
I haven't felt like going out much lately, but I've decided that I'll try my best to go back to work on Monday, as I think that would help me to take my mind off things a bit, and in some ways I would welcome a return to my usual routine. I don't want to be moping around the house, and I fear the longer I leave it, the harder it will be to go back.
I'm glad your mood was lighter today! That's a definite positive shift. It seems like mornings are the worst for me too, not sure why. My clock is digital with a dimmer, you can dim it all the way so you can't see what time it is if the lights are off. I've been doing that for a while, as when I struggled with sleep before I would look at the time and count the hours I could still get of sleep. It just made it worse. Turn it off, put a towel over it, whatever you need to.
What does the NHS wellbeing service provide? I hope you get some help from them.
Take it slowly at work, I am sure you will be fine but remember no shame in not pushing yourself too hard.
Sparkle1984
31-05-15, 20:46
Thanks swgrl09! The tip about covering the clock worked for me last night. I did wake up early in the morning a couple of times, but I resisted the urge to check the time, and I was able to get back to sleep both times. So I slept until 9.45am, which is when I intended to get up.
My good mood has continued into today (Day 11), which I'm really pleased about. I haven't had the thoughts of hopelessness today - the last time I had those was yesterday afternoon. I have felt a bit anxious today, especially around breakfast time, but it hasn't been as bad as it was.
I have had a few intrusive anxious thoughts today, but they haven't been quite as intrusive as they were before. For example, in today's newspaper they had some pictures of famous actresses when they were younger, and thinking how they're so much older now, this triggered some of my negative thoughts about ageing. Then when I had tea this evening, there was a programme on TV about a hotel, and this triggered memories of a panicky feeling I had a couple of years ago when I was reading an article about a hotel in the same country. That's a weird trigger, I know, but I noticed my heart rate speed up for a few minutes.
But overall, I feel better today than I have done for several weeks. I've also felt a bit less tensed up today. I feel fairly optimistic about going back to work tomorrow.
The NHS Wellbeing Service provides therapy and counselling where I live. I have had help from them in the past, but it was large group sessions so I didn't have a chance to speak to anyone on a one to one basis.
I'm so glad your good mood is continuing and that you got some sleep last night! I remember last time I started meds how relieved I felt when the hopelessness lifted, so I am happy that is happening for you :)
It's good that you are aware what is triggering you, so you know that is what is causing the heart speeding up. It sounds like you have been able to cope in a positive way though. Good luck at work tomorrow, I hope it goes well!
Sparkle1984
01-06-15, 20:34
Day 12
Unfortunately today wasn't quite as good as yesterday, but I think it could be partly to do with the stress of going back to work for the first time in 12 days, and partly due to tiredness. It took me quite a while to get to sleep last night, as I had a lie-in on Sunday morning so I didn't feel tired until about 12.30am. Then towards the end of the night, I kept waking up several times. I noticed it was starting to get lighter outside, and I then started to think about the day ahead - in some ways I was excited to be going back to work, but I also felt nervous about what my colleagues might say. At that point, I felt like I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep. I lied there for a few minutes, then I got a strong urge to check the time (something I know I shouldn't have done), and it was about 5.45am. I don't think I slept properly after that. I got up at 7am to do 10 minutes of exercise (the first time I've exercised in 12 days, as I previously didn't feel like I had enough energy), then I had breakfast, a bath and got ready for work.
I didn't feel too bad at that point, and for the first couple of hours at work I felt fine. I picked up my work from where I left off, and I felt more enthusiastic about it, even though it's quite a mundane task. However, when it got towards lunchtime, I began to feel more anxious. I had lunch in the staff canteen (pasta and chicken), and then I went and sat in the kitchen area and looked at the internet on my mobile phone, as I had about 30 minutes before I needed to go back to my desk. It was at this point that I really began to notice a lot of tension in my body - it's weird, my lunchbreak should be one of the times when I'm most relaxed! I also felt fed up due to my tiredness. Then I continued to feel tensed up for pretty much the rest of the afternoon.
In the middle of the afternoon, I had my fortnightly one-to-one meeting with my manager, which also served as my return to work interview. Thankfully my manager is pretty understanding about my anxiety issues - I've been off sick twice before since I've been in this job. He even said that he has a friend who suffers from severe anxiety, so he knows quite a bit about it. I explained that I'm on medication and have been referred for help from the Wellbeing Service, and my manager said he would be flexible if I required time off to go to therapy sessions etc. We also discussed ways in which the company could help me, and the only suggestion I could come up with this time around was to assign me more complex work to help take my mind off things. In recent weeks I've mainly been doing mundane work, and as it's quite repetitive I think it gives me more time to ruminate on things. My manager agreed with that, and also suggested I let him know if I feel anxious at work. As my anxiety/depression is recurrent (this is the 3rd time I've had an episode in the last 3 years), he also suggested that I'll probably be covered by the Equality Act, as it may well be classed as a disability. My manager actually said he has a recurrent physical health issue which requires him to take sick leave more often than the average employee, and his is classed as a disability, so chances are my illness will be as well.
Even when I got home this evening, I still felt rather anxious, although thankfully this has died down a bit in the last hour or so. I haven't really felt down today, it's more anxiety and tension. I've also had some intrusive thoughts although they're not quite as bad as they were last week.
Congratulations on getting through your first day back! I would have been anxious too, I think that makes sense that you would have been. But you pushed through, you deserve a lot of credit for that. I'm glad your manager seems helpful and accommodating.
I notice I get nervous at lunch because I go through the day busy and then at lunch, the craziness stops and I get anxious because of the down time. I don't know why, something with not having a distraction maybe. Do you have coworkers you can eat with and chat with as a distraction?
Hopefully tomorrow you will feel a little more comfortable :hugs:
Big well done on getting back to work. It sounds like you've got a really supportive employer there :)
I don't know if it helps or not, but in the early days of citalopram (and very occasionally when I'm tensenow) I like to carry around a packet with me, not so I can take any extra or anything silly, but I get a little bonus placebo effect from it - 'I CANT possibly be as tense as before because I'm on this medication that I've got right here in my pocket.' Don't know if it sounds like it'll help, but worth a thought.
Sparkle1984
02-06-15, 19:47
Thanks for your comments. :) I'm grateful that my employer is supportive, especially considering some of the horror stories I've read on other threads! Unfortunately lunchtimes where I work can be a bit lonely, as everyone tends to do their own thing, and some people just nip out to the local shops to buy food and eat it at their desks - I hardly ever do that as I prefer to have some time away from my computer screen.
I slept better last night - I got to sleep fairly quickly, just after 11pm, and although I woke up briefly a couple of times in the night, I fell back to sleep again almost straight away. I also resisted the urge to look at my clock in the early hours of the morning!
So, onto Day 13 - I think today was a bit better than yesterday, although I still felt quite a bit of tension in my body (mainly in my neck) as the working day progressed. When I woke up this morning, I did nearly 25 minutes of exercise using my Just Dance game on my Nintendo Wii - I think this was good as it helped me use up some of my nervous energy. I have still had some negative/anxious thoughts today - I've found that sometimes the symptoms come in waves. Some minutes, I feel OK, but then a few minutes later, the anxious thoughts come back more strongly. I also had some of my old negative thoughts today, like "What if the anxiety never goes away completely and I can never relax completely?" I know that thought is irrational as the anxiety has always gone away in the past, even if it's taken several weeks, but it still scares me.
The good thing is that the tension has died down a bit since I've been home. Another positive thing is that I received an email today from the Wellbeing Service, inviting me along to a taster session next Monday evening, where they will discuss what options will be available for me in terms of further support.
Glad you are going to get your services and support soon, hopefully. It's great that your sleep is improving. I have Just Dance for the Wii and it is definitely a tough work out!! I am huffing and puffing anytime I play it. I can imagine it's pretty good for anxiety.
Having anxiety come in waves is tough, but maybe take it as a good time to practice "riding the wave" and letting it wash through you. I know that is easier said than done sometimes, especially at work for me, but it can be useful and help you move through it. I even picture a wave in my mind sometimes.
Sparkle1984
03-06-15, 09:00
Last night was a night from hell for me! I went to bed in good time, and I managed to drift off to sleep fairly quickly, whilst listening to one of my relaxation MP3s. But not long later I woke up startled by the sound of someone having a bad coughing fit, then I heard a man's voice say "Are you OK?". Then there was silence. At first I thought it was my Mum in the lounge downstairs, and that the voice was my stepdad (even though my Mum doesn't currently have a cough, I assumed she had got a sudden tickle in her throat or had momentarily choked on something). This set me on edge for the rest of the night, and I could feel my heart pounding and I had thoughts like "I bet I won't be able to get back to sleep now and I'll feel awful at work tomorrow. " This then became like a self fulfilling prophecy, as I then had a very rough night and I probably didn't sleep for much more than 3 or 4 hours in total last night. This morning I asked my Mum and stepdad about the coughing and the voice, but they said it wasn't them after all. So it must have been the next door neighbours (we live in a semi-detached house and we can often hear sounds from next door) but this sounded so loud like it was coming from our own house. I have heard our elderly next door neighbour coughing at night in the past, but it never seemed particularly loud and it's never woken me up before. So either it was the neighbour or maybe the coughing was even a nightmare which made me wake up startled.
So this morning I feel rather low and fed up. I keep getting thoughts that things will never get better for me. Even listening to music makes me feel sad - when I hear a song which came out before this anxiety episode began, it makes me feel down, as if I'm yearning and grieving for my old self.
I just hope I'll be able to make it through the working day and the rest of the week without too much difficulty. I hope I haven't set myself back by going back to work too soon.
Oh no, I'm sorry you had a tough night. I'm sure you are feeling low because of that. It's just an off day in your journey to getting better. Let yourself feel tired, try not to beat yourself up about it. Tonight will be better.
I have found having a fan on for background noise/white noise is helpful, especially when I was still living in an apartment and could hear other people.
Sparkle1984
03-06-15, 22:23
Thanks - I like the idea of putting a fan on to create some white noise. I do have an air cooler in my bedroom but I didn't have it switched on last night as the weather hasn't been very good lately. But in previous summers I have found it a good way of blocking out other sounds, so I'll try it tonight.
I felt rather tired at work today, as I expected. For most of the day, I felt more tired than anxious, although I did feel rather panicky just after I got back from lunch - I suddenly felt my heart beating fast and my body felt like it was full of electricity. Thankfully that feeling died down after about an hour or so, but I still felt a lot of underlying anxiety as usual and I still had intrusive negative thoughts and worries. I don't know why my anxiety at work always seems to be worse just after lunch.
By the time I got home from work, I felt exhausted so I had a nap not long after I had tea. I don't feel tired any more, but I do still feel my underlying anxiety and like something's not right.
To be honest, even though I've had a couple of OKish days here and there, I still don't feel much better than I did before I started the medication, but last time it took nearly 4 weeks before I began to see any improvement. It's frustrating because the first time around, I began to improve after just 5 days! I hope won't be too much longer before I start to see an improvement as I hate living like this - I feel like I can't plan ahead as I don't know how I'll feel on a given day.
Oh man, that sounds like me yesterday ... napped when I got home. You will sleep better tonight, your body needs it. I slept like a rock after that and felt so much different.
I'm sorry you are struggling so much with not feeling better :( How many days has it been now, about 2 weeks?? It's still early on, wish it went quicker for you. Do you think it's the dose?
Wow I cant believe you improved the first time after just 5 days, I've never heard of any one feeling benefits so quickly from it.:ohmy:
Looks like you're relegated to waiting weeks like the rest of us now!
Sparkle1984
04-06-15, 13:43
Yes, it's 2 weeks today since I started the medication. I started on 10mg, then 1 week ago I went up to 15mg, and tonight I go up to the full 20mg.
I got to sleep quite quickly last night, which is surprising considering I had a nap, but I still woke up at 5.30am feeling anxious and I couldn't get back to sleep properly after that.
Mark, when I said I improved the first time round after just 5 days, I meant to say that was my turning point when things began to improve. It still wasn't until about 10 weeks that I was completely back to my old self. The second time round, I saw signs of improvement at 4 weeks, but it wasn't until almost 3 months that I was back to my usual self. However, your comment reassures me that there is still hope that I can improve again, even if it takes longer than the first time.
I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning in terms of one of the intrusive thoughts I have - the one which tells me that everything is hopeless and that things will never get better. I realised that I can't wholeheartedly believe that, because if I truly did believe everything is hopeless, why would I still take the tablets each day and why would I still try to continue with my day to day life? As I haven't given up, this must mean that there's a part of me that still believes there is hope! :) I began to feel a bit better after that realisation.
You're exactly right. If you really were 100% hopeless, you wouldn't be doing everything you are doing to get better right now.
I wonder if you are having trouble because you are still changing doses? I think each increase can create some side effects so maybe it has something to do with that??
Sparkle1984
04-06-15, 22:32
Thanks, you could be right about the increased dosage causing more side effects. I had my first 20mg tablet after tea this evening, so I'll have to see how things go.
Apart from waking up too early, today has been one of my best days in ages. :) I still have some underlying anxiety, but today my intrusive thoughts faded more into the background and I didn't feel panicky at all. For the last 3 days, I felt really anxious after lunch at work, but that didn't happen today. I've felt more positive today, too.
Another positive thing today is that I managed to finish one of my tasks half a day early, so I'm ahead of my work schedule now. :)
I've made it through 80% of the working week now, hopefully tomorrow will be a relatively good day too!
:yahoo::yahoo: So happy you had a good day!!!
SparkleDreams
05-06-15, 00:46
Citalopram seems to have a false effect sometimes, when I started on 10mg last December I felt great in a week. I was seeing my doctor weekly then and I told him how great I was feeling. Although he acknowledged it was good I felt better, he said that it might just be a high, he was right. Took me months to be myself again, and now I've had a relapse. Been on 40mg since January. Hope this relapse is a minor blip.
Sparkle1984
05-06-15, 13:42
Thanks, I think you may well be right about the "false effect" in the early days of taking the meds.
It's Day 16 for me, and it seems like my heightened anxiety is back again, although it's definitely not as bad as it was a few days ago. This is probably due to me increasing my dose to 20mg last night, so I expect to have more side effects again, although not as bad as when I first started a couple of weeks ago. Yet again, I woke up before 6am this morning feeling anxious and couldn't get back to sleep again. It seems that once I notice it's light outside, that's it! I'm wondering if I should buy an eyemask to use until my sleep gets back to normal, so that hopefully the daylight won't wake me up.
Sparkle1984
06-06-15, 17:49
Although yesterday wasn't the best of days, I still made sure I did something I enjoy in the evening - I went to a local Indian takeaway to get a curry for tea (my favourite curry is chicken korma with egg fried rice). It was a different takeaway than the ones I normally go to - it's only been open for a year or so - and I didn't think the curry was quite as nice, but at least I've tried it now. I hadn't had a curry for a few weeks so it was good to have a change. My appetite still isn't back to normal, but it's better than it was a week or two ago. I feel full after half as much food as usual, and I rarely feel like eating snacks between meals any more!
I slept better last night, although I think that's partly because I didn't have to worry about getting up for work this morning. I still woke up at about 5am, but I did manage to get back to sleep again, even though some of it was quite restless sleep - I'd sleep for half an hour then wake up again. Since this anxiety episode began, I tend to sleep better in the first half of the night than the second half.
I still feel rather jittery, especially my hands and fingers - this is probably still a side effect from increasing to 20mg a couple of days ago. Also I noticed my arm was twitching a few minutes, but I remember twitchiness being a side effect the first time I was on cit. Last night the dreaded tight-chestedness side effect came back, and it's still happening now. :( I still get intrusive anxious thoughts, but I don't think they're quite as bad as they have been. My mood isn't too bad at the moment - I'm not getting the feelings of hopelessness, but at the same time, I don't feel great either.
This week I ordered some Epsom bath salts for the first time, as I've heard they're supposed to be good for anxiety and depression. I plan to try it out this evening. I'll let you all know how it goes! :)
Hey going for a curry at a different place is a victory, anxiety just wants you to hide in a corner and do nothing all day every day in some kindof routine like a hermit. You're getting there bit by bit :)
I've heard epsom salts are great for anxiety. I have always thought about trying it, but my bath tub in previous apartments wasn't the best. But maybe I will here because it is better in our new home. Let me know how they go for you!
Sparkle1984
07-06-15, 20:27
Thanks for your support. :) I enjoyed bathing in the Epsom bath salts. I added 300g to the water, and stayed in for 20 minutes (the recommended amount of time). I did find it relaxing, and my skin was very smooth afterwards. I drank about 2 glasses of water straight afterwards, as I've heard Epsom bath salts can dehydrate you more quickly.
It's now Day 18 for me (or Day 4 on the full 20mg).
I've been making sure I do more things I enjoy this weekend. My depression and anxiety keeps trying to tell me that there's no point in doing the things that I used to enjoy, as I won't be able to enjoy them so much any more. In one of my CBT apps, it says that "Research has shown that if people with depression can do things that would normally be enjoyable (even if it is not at the moment), they will begin to reduce the depressive symptoms. This may be due to several reasons. One is that they may get a bit of enjoyment out of the activity which will give them hope about being able to feel better. Another is that activity of any sort tends to change the chemical balance within the brain which can reduce the symptoms. Also, activity can distract from the depressive thoughts which lessens their impact."
So, last night, in addition to my Epsom bath, I also watched a film with my family (The Heartbreak Kid). It was very funny. I still felt the negative thoughts in the back of my mind, and sometimes it felt like I was having to force myself to laugh, but I still think I enjoyed myself more than I would have done if I hadn't watched the film. Today I listened to one of my favourite CDs "The Truth About Love" by Pink. I listened to Pink's songs when going through previous episodes in 2012 and 2013. I can particularly relate to the lyrics in one of the songs "Maybe I think too much!" Yep, that's definitely one of my problems! :roflmao:
This afternoon, I baked some chocolate brownies. Someone bought me the cake mix for Christmas, and it is only now, nearly 6 months later, that I've finally got round to baking it! Christmas now seems so long ago I can't even remember who bought me the present! :roflmao:The "best before" date is tomorrow, so I thought I'd better hurry up and get on with it. It's the first time I've done any baking since this anxiety episode began. I usually bake everything from scratch - it's the first time I've ever used a cake mix, but it was still fun.
I slept fairly well again last night, although I went to bed later than I should have. Like yesterday, it took me longer to get out of bed - I think the medication is making me drowsy, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, especially considering my anxiety causes insomnia. The drowsiness wore off once I got up and had breakfast. My appetite has been fairly normal today. Another good thing is that I haven't had any physical anxiety symptoms today, apart from very mild jitteriness in my fingers (but I remember that usually takes several weeks to settle down, so I'm not too concerned about that). I've still had anxious thoughts today though, especially in the first half of the day, and I even felt a bit tearful this morning, but I've felt better as the day has progressed.
This afternoon I also read through the obsessive thoughts booklet in the CBT4Panic programme. I read this during my last episode in 2013, but it was good to refresh my mind. I think this has also helped reassure me, although I still need to carry out the thought experiments mentioned in the booklet.
Tomorrow evening I have my taster session with the NHS Wellbeing Service. It's at 6pm so I'll need to go straight from work, as there won't be enough time for me to go home, have tea and then go back out again. They will talk through the support options available, then we each have to fill in a personal questionnaire about what we'd like to do. I'm quite looking forward to it - it makes me feel like I'm doing something to get help.
You sound like you're heading down the right road hun xx
One of the hardest things about being depressed is that you have no energy or motivation to do the things that will help you feel better. That was hard for me and why I feel like I could "float by" a little easier when I was just dealing with anxiety, but when the depression hit, I struggled a lot. I would cry just having to get up and go to work.
At least anxiety is more energizing for me. I may be panicking, but I will get stuff done because of that panic. Depression just wiped me out. It's been hard getting into the swing of doing things I enjoy again, but has gotten easier. It's like swimming against the current until the current starts to shift with you. One step at a time, start small.
Those brownies sound good!! Glad you started doing something you enjoy again.
Sparkle1984
09-06-15, 13:54
Unfortunately yesterday was a fairly tough day for me. It took me ages to get to sleep on Sunday - I felt in a weird, mildly euphoric mood. I still felt anxious, but I also felt a sense of excitement as well, even though I had nothing in particular to be excited about! Yesterday morning wasn't too bad, but by the afternoon the tiredness began to hit, and I started to feel more anxious. I also had more intrusive thoughts. I felt a bit panicky at lunchtime and the following hour, just like I did last Monday (although thankfully I don't think it was quite as severe as it was last Monday).
Towards the end of the working day, it became apparent that the task I was doing didn't work out as expected. I was copying a website from one webserver to another, using a partly automated process, but it turned out there are a few serious anomalies and I wasn't sure why this is. So I wasn't looking forward to today! I've reported the problem to the project manager and I've asked a colleague for help on how to solve it, so hopefully it will be sorted out by the end of the day.
I went to the NHS Wellbeing Service session yesterday, and I've arranged a telephone appointment on Friday afternoon to speak to someone in more detail about getting one to one support. They seemed very keen to put everyone into large group therapy sessions, which I understand is the most cost-effective way, but it seems very much to be a generic one-size-fits-all approach, and I think my problems are probably more complex than most other people's. A lot of people worry about practical, day to day concerns, whereas my worries are more abstract and more to do with existential anxiety, so I wasn't sure if the generic group therapy sessions would work well for me.
I still felt rather on edge even when I got home yesterday evening.
Thankfully I slept pretty well last night - I fell asleep quickly and although I woke up a couple of times in the night, I fell back to sleep fairly easily.
Today I still feel a lot of underlying anxiety and dread. I guess I was hoping to be further ahead by this point. In some ways, progress feels even slower than it was during my second time on cit! For example, I often check my progress using the GAD-7 and PHQ-9 questionnaires. I had to complete these when I went to the doctor's 20 days ago (when I got my prescription) and my anxiety score was 16 and depression score was 17. I had to fill in the same questionnaires at the Wellbeing Service session yesterday, but my scores have hardly improved at all - my anxiety score is now 14 and depression score is 15. I know this could be largely due to the side effects caused by increasing the dose twice (from 10 to 15, then to 20) - the second time I was on cit 2 years ago, I didn't increase to 20mg until I was nearly 4 weeks in.
SparkleDreams
10-06-15, 00:27
Thanks, I think you may well be right about the "false effect" in the early days of taking the meds.
It's Day 16 for me, and it seems like my heightened anxiety is back again, although it's definitely not as bad as it was a few days ago. This is probably due to me increasing my dose to 20mg last night, so I expect to have more side effects again, although not as bad as when I first started a couple of weeks ago. Yet again, I woke up before 6am this morning feeling anxious and couldn't get back to sleep again. It seems that once I notice it's light outside, that's it! I'm wondering if I should buy an eyemask to use until my sleep gets back to normal, so that hopefully the daylight won't wake me up.
Yeah, I think I thought that the tablets could help me like antibiotics, that I'd feel better in a couple of days, right as rain in a week. Learned now and my approach to how I deal with things are better, helped me deal with my relapse a bit better too.
There is something in it being light in the morning. If I wake early and it's light I immediately think I'm now wasting my day and this can set me off.
Sparkle1984
10-06-15, 21:49
For me personally, if I wake early and see it's light outside, I then start to think "Oh no, I've only got an hour or so left in bed until I have to get up! I hope I won't feel too tired today" if it's a work morning. Then because I'm anxious, I'm less likely to fall back to sleep. I did get an eyemask and it does help a bit - I'm not waking up quite so early as I used to. It does feel a bit weird wearing an eyemask though, so I'm hoping it will only be a temporary thing until I'm feeling more stable on the medication.
I felt anxious yesterday, especially in the morning, but the day improved as it went on. By the evening I was in a lighter mood, although I still felt some underlying anxiety.
Day 21
Today wasn't such a good day though - I woke up at 6.30am (only half an hour before my alarm goes off) and I felt panicky with a fast heartbeat, which is one of the symptoms I dread. So it wasn't a good start to the day and I was on edge from the get-go. At work this morning, I felt like I could burst into tears at any moment and felt a bit tearful, but thankfully I don't think anyone noticed. Usually if I feel really tearful, I try and get to the toilets, although they're quite far away from my desk. I think it was due to a mixture of dread and frustration.
I still feel like I can't go out and do the things I used to enjoy - it seems like I only leave the house to go to work now. For example, I had been hoping to go to the cinema after work this evening with my Mum to see the film San Andreas and also to have a meal out, but I didn't feel up to it. By the time I'm feeling better, the film might no longer be showing at the cinema, which is a shame as it's in 3D. I used to enjoy going to the cinema with my Mum once a month or so after work, and we would also have a meal at one of my favourite Chinese or Thai restaurants. It feels like I'm having to put off more and more outings, and I still feel like I can't plan ahead as I don't know how I'll feel on a given day.
Thankfully I felt a little bit better in the afternoon, although I still felt anxious and tired (despite getting at least 6 and a half hours sleep last night). Since I've been at home this evening, I've been getting a rapid heartbeat, even though I don't feel like I'm ruminating so much on anxious/negative thoughts - so I'm wondering if this is a side effect of the tablets, rather than being due to my own anxiety. I listened to a progressive muscle relaxation MP3 earlier this evening and did some deep breathing, and although it made me feel a bit more relaxed, I could still feel my heart pounding away. The same happened while I was watching TV this evening. I just hope I'll be able to sleep OK tonight, as I often find it hard to get to sleep when my heartbeat is fast.
Hey Sparkle, I'm sorry this has been so drawn-out and difficult for you :( Not sure what the heart beat issue is, although I have noticed when it happens to me then I am super attentive to it, which just makes it worse.
Sparkle1984
11-06-15, 13:58
Yes, it has been very difficult and drawn out. I think once I'm OK again, I may as well just stay on the tablets, because I can't keep putting myself through this ordeal every couple of years. I feel like I'm existing rather than actually living.
I had another bad night last night. I fell asleep quickly, but I woke up at 3.45am and it was already starting to get light outside. Unfortunately I didn't have my eyemask on at that point. I then put it on, but I only managed to half-sleep from then on.
I've now realised that my current project at work may be part of the problem. I've been working on it since the second half of last year, and it is rather tedious, repetitive work. I don't find the work challenging enough. I noticed my mood started to decline at the start of this year, but I didn't expect it to become full blown anxiety and depression. The reason I suspect it may be partly job-related is because I nearly always tend to sleep better at the weekends when I don't have the pressure of getting up early, and I tend to feel a bit more relaxed during evenings and weekends, although I guess this is the same for everyone. I had a really bad anxiety episode back in 2007, and this came on when I was working in a job I found really boring - there just wasn't enough work to do, so a lot of the time I had to try and fill up my own time learning more about the IT system. Almost as soon as I was moved to a different team, to a job I found more enjoyable and challenging, the anxiety symptoms, including insomnia, gradually subsided within days and my mood began to lift (I wasn't on medication in those days).
Thankfully, this project I'm working on should be completed in a couple of weeks, then I should be able to work on some more interesting tasks.
I've felt a little bit better this morning - I haven't had quite so many intrusive thoughts; they feel as if they're more in the background. One thing which worried me this morning is that I stuttered badly when talking to some colleagues in a teleconference.
I've got a 3 day weekend coming up as I've got tomorrow off work for my Wellbeing Service appointment - I managed to swap one of my holidays for this.
Sparkle1984
12-06-15, 09:51
Since yesterday evening, it seems that my anxiety and negative thoughts have got worse than ever! I've been back on my tablets for 3 weeks now and it was Thursday last week that I increased to 20mg. I feel very on edge, jittery, with a fast heartbeat and tight chest, and this morning even my toes are twitching! I'm still waking up really early in the morning and can't get back to sleep. I'm also getting really awful thoughts that things will never get better and that life will never be the same again, which makes me feel even worse. Is this normal at this stage? I hope the tablets are going to work this time.
Not sure, but I've felt a little worse this week too. I don't know if it's stress in my life or from the meds. It is making me hesitant to increase this weekend like I had originally planned, but I should just get it over with.
xvolatileheart
12-06-15, 15:34
Sparkle, I'm on week 9 and still have days that I struggle. But other days I feel almost normal. So be gentle with yourself, it really is only early days for you this time. Try not to compare this time with the times you've taken it previously. It won't always be the same!
Sparkle1984
13-06-15, 16:36
Thanks for the reassurance. :) Although I felt extremely low yesterday morning, the day got better as it went on. I haven't been going out much at all lately, other than to work.Yesterday I had a day's holiday from work, but as I felt so awful that morning I thought I was going to be stuck at home as I couldn't face going out anywhere. But I did it - I managed to go out to the cinema with my Mum to see San Andreas and then we had a meal at a local Chinese buffet restaurant. :smile: Even when I was sitting in the cinema, I could still feel my heart pounding, but the film was very good and I really enjoyed it. It had plenty of action and it did help to take my mind off my worries a bit. I enjoyed the meal afterwards too, as it's one of my favourite restaurants and I hadn't been there for quite a while. I managed to eat more than I expected as well, which is good as my appetite has been a bit suppressed lately.
I definitely felt a sense of achievement and my mood lifted quite a bit yesterday evening. I still didn't feel 100% but I definitely felt better than I did yesterday morning!
Also yesterday afternoon, before I went out to the cinema, I had my telephone appointment with the NHS Wellbeing Service. It lasted almost half an hour and it went well - they asked me lots of questions about how I've been feeling lately, the sort of things I worry about and so on. They suggested going on a group-based worry workshop, but I had to decline that as it conflicts with my working hours, so they then suggested weekly one-to-one telephone calls with a therapist, although they couldn't guarantee that I'd definitely be able to have appointments in the evening after work. Apparently the therapists work until 8pm in the evening, but I can imagine the time slots between 6 and 8pm are probably the most popular, so I may have to wait a while. They said they would arrange for me to have a telephone assessment appointment with a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner, and that I would receive a letter in the post giving me the details of the date and time. I don't know how long the waiting lists are. So I'll just have to see how it goes.
Another option I've been looking into is private therapy/counselling. One of my friends is also suffering severe anxiety and depression, and she has recommended her therapist to me. So I sent an email to the therapist this afternoon introducing myself and asking for more details, and I'm now waiting to hear back. Being private therapy, I would have to pay for it myself (it's £40 a session), but I don't mind if it will help me.
I actually managed to get a good night's sleep last night! :) I must have slept for nearly 10 hours. I certainly needed it, given all the restless nights I've been having lately!
When I woke up this morning, I still felt anxious, but not as bad as I have been over the last few days. My main symptoms at the moment are feeling jittery and sometimes twitchy, but I think that's still side effects. I haven't had so many intrusive thoughts today, and I've been in the best mood since this anxiety episode began! :) I've been keeping myself busy today, even though I've stayed in - I've been doing some errands such as catching up with emails. I find that I feel less anxious if I'm concentrating on something. Funnily enough, I feel more anxious when I'm aimlessly surfing the internet, looking on Facebook or Twitter - I'm not sure why that could be.
Today I've noticed that I'm generally more optimistic and cheerful, laughing at things more than I used to, and it no longer feels like fake laughter. I remember from the 2 previous times I've been on these meds, my mood improved before my anxiety did, and it will probably be the same this time too. I just hope this progress continues! :)
xvolatileheart
13-06-15, 20:26
Well done on staying positive! Sounds like definite progress. The jitters and twitches have finally calmed for me after about 8 weeks. I think my side effects were very long lasting compared to other people but you just have to soldier through to get the good effects.
Day 21 for me today (20Mg) and am starting to feel an improvement.
Negative thinking is definitely abating and I am able to get to grips with them as they occur.
Appetite is beginning to return as well. The increased anxiety side effect usually kills this for at least a couple of weeks from day one but has the beneficial effect of I am able to get a bit of weight off.
5th or 6th time on Cit but I have the confidence that I know they have worked in the past.
Worst side effect for me is the night sweats such so I will probably need a new mattress, pillow and duvet by the time I can shake this all off. I wear a tshirt in bed and it is always soaked through in the morning.
Get a lot of yawning as well but I don't find this too much of a bind. The last two mornings it has not been such an effort to get out of bed....... That tells me a lot.
Oh to be well again and think normally!! Things are definitely brighter than they were a few days ago.
Nice to hear you are feeling more positive overall. I hope it continues for you. It's been difficult, I thought I was doing well and have gotten worse once it's been in my system more. Also just changed doses. I ended up going back and reading my posts from last time and it actually took me a lot longer to feel better than I remember. I was struggling for a while until I got to feeling good. I handled the increase in dose worse than the initial too.
Geezer, I'm on escit and getting night sweats too. It's terrible.
Sparkle1984
14-06-15, 15:05
I think it's now Day 25 for me. Unfortunately the good feelings yesterday were short lived - I noticed my anxiety and intrusive thoughts got worse after teatime, and the dreaded tight-chested feeling came back. I'm not sure if this could have been partly because I read something in the early evening that I found triggering.
I didn't have a very good night's sleep last night. I kept waking up frequently feeling anxious, and from about 5am I kept waking up every 5 or 10 minutes or so. I also kept getting awful thoughts, like "I'll never feel right again" and "my best days of life are behind me". I also kept having doom and gloom thoughts that nothing seems right any more. I kept trying to think of other things, but the sense of negativity just wouldn't go away, and I also kept having weird dreams. So when I got up this morning, I felt tired, low and anxious. I'm back at work tomorrow after my 3 day weekend, so I just hope I'll be OK then. Also I'm supposed to be going to my social club's committee meeting tomorrow evening, but I'm not sure if I'll be up to it - I haven't been to any club events for about a month now and I'm worried what they'll think - should I tell them I'm going through a severe anxiety episode at the moment?
I can tell my parents are starting to get worried about me. When I was talking to my Mum this morning about how I've been feeling since yesterday evening, she looked like she was going to cry. :( She also said she hopes I don't end up like my friend who has severe depression and anxiety and hasn't worked for over a year. She also hopes I'll be better in time for my holiday in 4 weeks time. I just want this nightmare to be over!
On Thursday I have my 4-week review with my doctor. I hope they won't want me to increase my dose (I've never been higher than 20mg), or even worse, change me to a different medication altogether. I still think it will work, even if it takes a bit longer than last time.
I went out with my parents this afternoon to a local garden and I took some photos. However, I still felt rather low.
Hey sparkle,
it'd have been nice if you felt some relief by now, I cant quite recall but isn't average time for them to start working about 4-6 weeks?
If your doc does want you to go to 30mg try not to be upset, I'm on 30 and I've got on much more reliably than 20. You can always go back down to 20 again afterwards if you want.
Sparkle1984
15-06-15, 14:17
Thanks for the reassurance. Today has been a fairly good day so far, especially considering it's a Monday! I slept fairly well too, apart from one incident where I woke up in the middle of the night scared that I might suffocate on my eyemask! (It covers part of my nose, so if my duvet is also up to my nose, I get scared I might suffocate!) It took me quite a while to get back to sleep after that, but luckily I did and I slept fairly well until my alarm went off. A few days ago, I probably would've felt too anxious to get back to sleep, so at least this feels like progress. Also, when I woke up in the morning, I didn't really have any anxious thoughts and I didn't have that sense of dread about the day ahead of me.
Work today has been ok so far. My heartbeat has slowed down quite a bit too. I've felt a lot calmer today and my mood is better too. Today may even end up being better than Saturday!
At least it now seems I'm having almost as many good days (or moments) as bad ones. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, I was having a lot more bad days than good ones.
Glad you are having a good day and got some sleep! It's still hit or miss for me with sleep. Usually once I am so behind on sleep, I'll get a good night in.
Sparkle, that's exactly what happened to me, after about 4 weeks @20mg a day I noticed some days were much better than others, though I was just the same after 6 weeks so opted to try 30 which made every day a good day.
It's obviously starting to work though :) Hope you have a great week
Glad you're seeing some improvements Sparkle!
Sparkle1984
16-06-15, 08:58
Yesterday turned out to be the best day since starting the meds. I felt well all day long, whereas on Saturday I only felt good for about 6 hours or so. I did still get a few worries, but I was in the right frame of mind to dismiss them more easily.
I slept well from about 11pm to 5am. I didn't get any intrusive thoughts whilst in bed, but from about 5am I did start to worry about whether my family had remembered that I'd changed my alarm to go off at 7.25am and that they wouldn't wake me up too early! That may seem like a strange thing to worry about, but I think it's on my mind as I haven't been sleeping well in the last few weeks, so I feel scared at the thought of being woken up and not being able to get back to sleep again.
I feel a bit tired this morning (it would be good to get back to being able to sleep for 7 or 8 hours on a weekday like I used to), but apart from that I'm feeling fine. 2 good days in a row would be great!
Sparkle1984
16-06-15, 18:43
Unfortunately 2 good days in a row was too much to hope for at this stage! :roflmao:I felt fine until about mid-morning, and then I felt some of my usual negative thoughts start to creep back in. I started to question again whether I'm really any better, and also whether this episode is worse than my previous 2 episodes. I think this train of thought first started when I began thinking about some songs I used to like from a couple of months ago - I haven't listened to them much lately, as they bring back too many negative memories for me. I'm the sort of person that when I hear a song, it brings back memories and emotions from the first few times I heard it, so if I was going through a bad patch, the songs will bring back those negative emotions. Usually, after a period of time, the negative connotations start to fade and I'm able to appreciate the songs again without having too many negative emotions (sometimes they even get replaced with positive emotions from the following months). So, this morning I started to think of these songs from a couple of months ago, and imagined them playing in my mind, as if I was trying to test myself to see if they still induce negativity. Unfortunately, they still did make me feel low, so then I started to think "I can't really be better yet, because otherwise I would be able to enjoy those songs again." I also began to get some of my usual negative/anxious intrusive thoughts, but I didn't feel like I had the energy to dismiss them, and I even began ruminating about the thoughts. I think tiredness could also be contributing to how I feel.
As the day progressed, I could feel my mood dropping and my anxiety growing, almost by the hour! I can feel my intrusive thoughts lurking in the background and I feel uneasy. Thankfully, even at its peak, I didn't feel as bad as I have done on previous days. So even though this day hasn't been as good as yesterday, it's certainly not the worst day I've had. As I don't feel as bad as I did last week, I still think I'm moving in the right direction. So I think it will probably be a few more days until I level out completely. :)
---------- Post added at 18:43 ---------- Previous post was at 18:40 ----------
Another thing I forgot to mention - even though I've had low mood and some intrusive thoughts today, my physical anxiety symptoms haven't been as bad as they were last week. For example, I don't feel as jittery as I did last week.
Oh bless you, sounds like you're having a similar time to me!
I am the same with songs also... A song always triggers a memory or a feeling.
I spoke with my dr today and she wants me to try Trazodone with my Fluoxetine.. She prescribed it a week ago and I refused to take it, but I'm thinking I might listen to her this time. I've been in bits all afternoon worrying about taking it tonight, I've been seen, had to run to the loo twice at my dad's as well :blush:
But I figure that it could turn my life around so I have to grin and bear it :lac:
I have even missed a concert tonight (Incubus, my favourite band) in London.. I sent my brother off with my tickets. I'm quite upset that my anxiousness has caused me to miss something I was really looking forward to. If only the concert had been last week!!! I'd have been fine lol ...
Darn these good and bad days lol xx
Sparkle1984
18-06-15, 20:26
I've just noticed that I haven't updated this diary for a couple of days now!
Giraffe, I saw on your other thread that you had the courage to try your trazodone and that it's already starting to help, so I'm glad it's helping you. I also feel like I've missed out on quite a few social events lately - nearly 3 weeks ago I was supposed to be going to an 80s night with my social club, and I'd already paid for the ticket, but I was too nervous to go as I'd only been on the medication for just over a week at that point. I've also cut back on other social activities (I'm a shy, introverted person so these sorts of things take a lot of energy out of me), but now that I'm feeling a bit better I plan to gradually ease myself back into these things over the next few weeks. At the same time, I don't want to take on too much again, as I think that may have partly contributed to my problems in the past - sometimes I used to go out 3 evenings during the working week, so maybe I wasn't giving myself enough time to relax on my own.
This morning I still woke up at 5am, but I don't feel so tired or drowsy today. I went to bed just after 10pm last night. Today I've still felt some anxiety and anxious thoughts, but it doesn't seem as bad as it was last week. Thankfully this week I haven't had a day as bad as last Friday or Sunday! My mood has been more upbeat today as well.
I had my 4-week review with my doctor today. He said that in spite of the side effects and the up-and-down anxiety I've been experiencing lately, he thinks things are moving in the right direction and he is happy for me to stay on 20mg. So I'm kind of relieved he didn't want me to increase my dose already.
Work is going well - I've almost finished the last website I'm building, and then I'll be able to do some more interesting tasks, so I'm happy about that. I haven't felt quite so tired at work this week, and I've found it easier to concentrate compared to my first 2 weeks back after being signed off. I remember for the first 2 weeks, it felt like I really had to push myself through the week.
After tea this evening, I did about 20 minutes of exercise on my Nintendo Wii Just Dance game. I hadn't felt like doing that for a couple of weeks, but I wanted to get back into it as I know exercise is helpful for anxiety. In fact I did feel better after doing it. Then just after I'd finished dancing, my sister came round with a nice sparkly top she'd bought from the shop where she works. It was really nice and I gave her the money for it - it had been reduced from £46 to just £7.
Just one more day at work tomorrow, then it's the weekend! :yesyes:
sounds like you're doing well Sparkle, glad the docs went well :)
I notice with myself I tend to forget to come on NMP when I am doing well. Maybe that is a sign you are getting some improvements. Glad to hear you aren't changing the dose just yet. Things will even out with time.
Sparkle1984
19-06-15, 21:29
Thanks, I still feel some heightened anxiety though, even though it's now 2 weeks and a day since I increased my dose. The main side effects I'm getting now are: fast heartbeat (even when I'm fairly relaxed, for example when I've just got into bed for the night), tight-chestedness (although it's not quite as bad as it was a week or 2 ago), waking up early (usually between 5 and 6am), and sometimes drowsiness. It seems ironic that it can cause insomnia and drowsiness at the same time! I'm still getting more anxious thoughts than I'd like, although I certainly think my mood has levelled out more during this week. I feel like I've coped better at work this week too, even though it was a full 5 day week.
Sparkle1984
21-06-15, 11:25
Yesterday was a pretty good day and I felt almost normal, but I noticed a lot of my negative/anxious thoughts starting to creep back in later in the evening. I had my Epsom bath, as I usually do on Saturday evening. I'm not sure if this is just a coincidence, but for the past 2 Saturdays, I've actually felt more anxious after my Epsom bath, so maybe it's not suiting me? However, the first time I ever tried an Epsom bath, I did feel a bit better. Maybe I'll skip it next Saturday and see how I feel.
Last night was a bit of a nightmare - I was fast asleep and was dreaming, when all of a sudden I woke up startled by the sound of someone banging frantically on a door. I'm not sure if the sound was in my dream or whether it actually happened in real life. My parents didn't hear it, but they said it might have been the next door neighbour banging on the floor to attract the attention of her son (she is very elderly and frail). However, I had my air cooler on, which makes quite a lot of white noise, and I also had my earplugs in, so I'd be surprised if I could still hear noises from the neighbours. So it makes me wonder if it was part of my dream - I have heard knocking noises in my dreams before, and I wake up thinking someone is knocking on my bedroom door, but there's no one there.
After that, I felt anxious and couldn't get back to sleep properly. When I did manage to get back to sleep, I kept waking up frequently and I also kept having unpleasant weird dreams. I also had that feeling of dread in the back of mind, as if something's not right and I also began to worry about whether I'd ever feel 100% again.
This means that so far, today hasn't been as good as yesterday. I've also been given a difficult task to do at work next week (starting from tomorrow) so I think that's on my mind as well.
Sparkle1984
21-06-15, 21:16
I've felt quite rough today due to the tiredness, so I haven't felt like doing much really. Several family members came round to give cards and presents to my step-dad for Father's Day. I had got him a couple of T shirts.
Yesterday, I had made plans to do some baking today, but I didn't really feel like it. When one of my sisters came round, I told her how I was feeling. I said that the incident where I woke up started in the early hours of the morning had really put a downer on the day. She said I mustn't let things like that get to me, and that I should put it aside and try to carry on with the rest of the day as best as possible. Having thought about it, I can see that she's right - this is a negative pattern in my thinking - if I feel awful in the morning or something bad happens at the start of the day, I tend to assume that the whole day is ruined. I shouldn't have let it defeat me so easily - I should have got dressed early and planned to do things I enjoy (such as baking) to take my mind off it.
How have you been the last day or two hun? Xx
Sparkle1984
24-06-15, 08:53
The last couple of days haven't been too good, unfortunately. For the last couple of days, my anxiety has felt worse - I've felt panicky with a fast heartbeat at times. This morning I woke at about 5.30am feeling really panicky and couldn't get back to sleep. This Thursday, it will be 5 weeks since I went back on my medication, and 3 weeks since I increased to 20mg, but sometimes I don't feel any better than I did beforehand. It's worrying as it worked well the first 2 times I was on it, so I'm scared what if it doesn't work this time?
I'm not sure if the extra anxiety could be due to my period starting. Also, I had my first therapy session last night - the therapist was very nice and sympathetic - she has set me a couple of tasks for the next week - the first task is to have a daily worry period, and the second task is to do more relaxation throughout the day.
It sounds like there are a few stressors going on for you right now that could be triggering your anxiety. I was definitely worse during my period last week. It's such a process, going on meds, but you are still in the early days at 5 weeks.
I'm struggling with sleep as well. Have been waking up around 2-3 AM and unable to get back to sleep for no reason. I'm tired and frustrated.
Glad you have a nice therapist :)
Sparkle1984
26-06-15, 22:04
Sorry to hear you're struggling with sleep, swgrl. I'm guess I'm lucky that I don't usually wake up until 5 or 6am - if I woke up at 2-3am and couldn't get back to sleep I'd get very frustrated.
As 5 weeks is still fairly early days, I'm still hopeful I'll see more improvement in the coming weeks. Things have still been quite difficult for me, although they're better than they were a couple of weeks ago. I still wake up early in the mornings, although this week I've been using my eyemask more, and I've also been resisting the urge to check my clock when I wake up, so now I tend to sleep longer - I guess I'm waking up at around 6am, as it seems like I'm lying in bed for another hour or so until my alarm goes off. I don't feel so tired during the days either.
I still get quite a lot of intrusive anxious/negative thoughts throughout the day (this seems to happen more when I'm out and about or at work than when I'm at home). Also I've noticed that I tend to get a rapid heartbeat (maybe around 90 to 110 beats a minute) just after I go back to my desk after having my lunch at work. It then tends to stay like this until about an hour or so before hometime, and then it gradually starts slowing down again. I also notice that my heart often beats faster if I'm planning to go out somewhere later in the day or in the evening, and it tends to slow down again once I'm back home.
I wrote some more on this post (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showpost.php?p=1441397&postcount=8) about my therapy session. Yesterday evening I went to one of the local IT Meetup groups - I hadn't been along to any of those since my relapse began in earnest in early May. I was nervous and I could feel my heart beating fast, but I managed to speak to at least 4 people during the half-hour networking session that takes place just before the main speaker takes to the stage to deliver their presentation. (I'm shy so I find talking to people difficult even when I'm not going through an anxiety/depression episode). A couple of people commented that they hadn't seen me for quite a while, but I didn't really know what to say to that. I enjoyed the main presentation even though I had a lot of background anxiety. I still had intrusive thoughts but they were no worse than they have been recently.
Another thing I find is that my mind seems to be almost constantly thinking about how I'm feeling, like my mind is constantly checking to see if there are any feelings of anxiety and depression, which gets annoying. I can't just seem to "forget myself" and get completely into the zone when I'm doing other things, even the things I enjoy. Even if I try to re-direct my focus to the present moment, it feels like the worries are still there in the background. Sometimes when I try to dismiss the negative thoughts, it feels like they rebound on me - like if I try to tell myself "that thought doesn't matter, I'm focusing on something I enjoy now", I will get a thought like "but it really is awful, what if that worry does come true, and what if the thoughts never go away?". It's almost as if I'm arguing with myself, lol! Before this anxiety episode started a few weeks ago, I wasn't constantly checking myself, and I could go through my day-to-day work and my leisure time carefree, without constantly thinking about worrying and negative thoughts. Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this?
Sparkle1984
01-07-15, 21:29
It's been a few days since I last updated this diary - most of the last few days have still been quite difficult, although they were still better than how I was 2 or 3 weeks ago.
On Saturday I went to a local Thai restaurant with my Mum and my niece - it's one of my favourite restaurants in our city. I really enjoyed it, although the main course seemed a lot bigger than usual (it's not just me - my Mum said the same thing), so by the time we'd finished all 3 courses, we were so full up! The food was very nice though - I especially like the pandan crepes for dessert! :) Then we went to the cinema to see Jurassic World in 3D. The film was good, although it was stifling hot and stuffy in the cinema - I don't think the air conditioning was working properly, if at all. I felt less anxious while I was at the restaurant and cinema, as it helped to take my mind off things a bit.
Then on Monday evening after work, I attended an event with my social club for the first time in about 6 weeks - it was a guided ghost walk through the city centre. I still had quite a lot of background anxiety and I felt rather low that day, but I was glad to see the people from the social club again, and the ghost stories were interesting too!
Yesterday I had my second therapy session and I found it really helpful. This time round, we discussed the root causes of my anxiety/depression, and it seems that my expectations of the world are unrealistically high, for example “things should stay the same and not change too much” (Due to my Asperger's syndrome I don't like change, especially if a lot of change happens within a short period of time – it makes me feel unsettled and unsafe.) and “everyone should be fair and honest, etc”. The therapist said it's good that I live by these ideals, but I need to accept that I have no control over other people's behaviours; in other words I can't expect other people to live by them as well – all I can do is hope that they will. I may not like the way certain other people behave, but I need to accept that I have no control over their behaviour, although this doesn't mean I have to become like them. My expectations of other people and life in general need to become more realistic, and the therapist said we will work on that in the coming weeks.
She also gave me some tips on how to cope with feelings of foreboding or panic, for example I can ask myself “is there an actual threat to me right now? Is there a tiger in the room or is a bomb about to go off?” I'll write a separate topic on this forum about my therapy, but I have to say I came out of yesterday's session feeling more optimistic than I've felt in a long time! I got a good night's sleep last night too - I even managed to get back to sleep again when I woke up at 6am, and I didn't have such a feeling of dread. I did have some waves of nausea until about mid-morning, but it was manageable and I reminded myself that it's just the anxiety symptoms, and that things will get better soon. I felt better at work today too - although I still have a sense of lingering doubt that the anxiety may come back again full-force, I felt a lot calmer today than I have been feeling recently. :)
Sparkle1984
26-07-15, 22:03
It seems like ages since I last updated this diary - I've been very busy lately and I was also away on holiday for the last 2 weeks. I stayed in a holiday cottage in Derbyshire with my Mum and step-dad. I enjoyed myself (in spite of the anxiety) and it was good to have some time to relax.
I've been back on cit for just over 9 weeks now. My anxiety is a bit better than it was since I last posted on this diary, but I still think I'm nowhere near 100%. Although most of the physical anxiety symptoms have now died down, I still get quite a lot of anxious intrusive thoughts, and I still feel like I have this almost-constant negative feeling in the back of my mind, like there's something gnawing away at me and I just can't seem to let go. When I say almost-constant, it's there almost every day, from a few minutes after I wake up and it stays until the evening time - I nearly always feel better after dusk, for some reason. During my holiday, I only had about one and a half days where I didn't have that negative feeling in the back of my mind. When I feel that negativity, it scares me and it makes me worry that I'll never get back completely to my old self. Sometimes I will think to myself "this negativity will pass", but then I immediately get doubts because if my anxiety/depression was triggered by events over which I have no control and which cannot be changed, it makes me think "what if I never get over it?" I try really hard to replace my negative thoughts with rational ones, but it's as if my sub-conscious refuses to believe that there's nothing worth being anxious/depressed about.
I still keep thinking back to what a good year 2014 was for me (especially the first half), and wishing I could go back to that time because I was happy and carefree. Back then I was stable on 20mg, and sometimes I think that if only I'd stayed on the meds, I may not have had this relapse this year.
As most of this post has been negative so far, I thought I'd list some positive improvements I've noticed in myself in the last few weeks (especially during my holiday):
1) I'm not getting the rapid heartbeat as often as I used to, even after eating a large meal. (This was an issue for me up until about a week ago).
2) In general, I'm sleeping better, although I still get some mornings (usually about once or twice a week) where I wake up too early and can't get back to sleep again. It happened this morning, for example - I had a bad dream and I woke up at about 6.30am and felt too anxious and negative to get back to sleep again. I tried to concentrate on my breathing mindfully, but other thoughts kept intruding very forcefully. I didn't feel quite so bad after getting up and having breakfast, though.
3) My jitteriness isn't quite as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago.
4) My interest in most of my old hobbies has now come back, although I still don't feel like I enjoy them quite as much as I used to, due to the almost-constant negativity in my mind. However, at least I'm able to concentrate on these things better, and I feel more motivated to do things.
5) I haven't had the dreaded tight-chested feeling for a few weeks now. Sometimes when I'm feeling anxious, I still get a weird feeling in my body, but it's nowhere near as bad as the tight-chested feeling.
6) Most of the time, I'm finding it easier to relax. I don't feel tensed-up all the time, and I'm able to concentrate on my relaxation MP3s without my mind wandering so frequently.
7) Lately I've also noticed I'm able to laugh and see the funny side of things more than I did when this relapse first began a few weeks ago. However, I often find that as soon as I've finished laughing about something, a negative thought pops into my mind to remind me of the bad things that have happened recently, and this then triggers the worries about whether I'll ever get back to 100%. This is still an improvement on a couple of months ago though - back then I felt like I couldn't really laugh about anything at all, and when I did, it almost felt like fake laughter.
So I think I've definitely made some progress in the last 3 or 4 weeks, although it's been extremely slow. However, I try to be grateful for every sign of improvement, as it hopefully means I'm getting closer to full recovery.
I think you're doing fine, I wonder if you're not feeling quite 100% yet because the negative thoughts have become a bit habitual, and your confidence is still below what it was after your last lot of anxiety. Like you're looking out forit and expecting it now.
I can't remember, have you tried any therapy, even just the CBT courses online (that are free and linked from the homepage of this site) might help, a few goes on them might make all the difference, could be worth a shot?
Sparkle1984
29-07-15, 23:04
Thanks Mark. Yes this particular anxiety episode has really knocked my confidence. After recovering from my previous 2 episodes in 2012 and 2013, I really thought I had it cracked and that it wouldn't come back again. So when my current episode started earlier this year, I felt really disappointed about it, and it's hit my confidence harder than it did last time.
I am currently attending private one-to-one CBT and counselling. I had my 4th session yesterday evening, and I'm finding it really helpful. I tend to come out of the sessions feeling optimistic, although sometimes this feeling fades off towards the end of the week and my negative thoughts start to creep back in. In the past, I've done online CBT courses and attended Stress Control lectures, but I do find it more helpful having someone to talk to on a one-to-one basis.
Sparkle1984
02-08-15, 22:50
I hope everyone who follows this diary is doing OK. I started to feel a lot better from Tuesday evening onwards, following my 4th CBT session. These good feelings continued all the way through Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I felt almost like my normal self on those days - in fact they were the best days I've had since this anxiety episode began. I felt optimistic about the future and quite giggly - I hardly ever had intrusive thoughts on those days, and when I did, they didn't seem to scare me so much.
Yesterday in the afternoon I went to the cinema to see the new Minions film, and we also had a meal at the nearby Chinese buffet restaurant after the film. Although I enjoyed the film (it was quite funny) and the meal, I felt a bit tired but that was mostly my fault as I stayed up late on Friday night. When I was sitting in the restaurant, some of my weird feelings started coming back - I recall looking around at the people on the other tables, thinking they looked so calm and relaxed and wishing I could be like that again. I think this may be partly because the last time I visited that particular cinema and restaurant a few weeks ago, my anxiety was really bad, so going back there probably triggered some bad memories (which is a shame as it's one of my favourite restaurants). However, I still felt nowhere near as bad as I did a few weeks ago. At least I can actually get enjoyment from things nowadays - in fact I had been looking forward to going to the cinema and having the meal.
I went for a nap at about 8.30pm and planned to get up again at around 10pm, but I didn't, so I stayed in bed all the way through to 9.45am this morning! So at least I didn't feel tired today (I obviously needed to catch up on my sleep!) I didn't really do much today though - I was mainly sitting on my bed reading a book and messing around on the internet. :) I have felt some background anxiety today, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I'm glad that I experienced 3 and a half good days this week though - I hadn't experienced that many good days in a row during this particular anxiety episode so far.
Sparkle1984
23-08-15, 20:28
On Friday, it was exactly 3 months since I started citalopram. I do feel a lot more settled now than I did a couple of weeks ago, and my mood is good, although I often feel a lingering low-level anxiety, like something's not quite right. I do feel that this low-level anxiety is very gradually losing its power, although this time round it seems to be hanging around a lot longer than the first 2 times I was on cit (the last time round, I felt pretty much back to my normal self at the 3 month mark). I still notice a bit of jitteriness in my fingers, and I still get anxious thoughts from time to time, although they're nowhere near as troublesome now as they were even a month ago. The techniques I've learnt during my therapy have been very useful in this respect as well.
In spite of that, I can still fully take part in my day to day activities - my enjoyment in my hobbies/interests and my social activities is back to normal. Work is going well at the moment - for the last few weeks I've been working on a wide variety of interesting projects, so I feel more fulfilled in my job compared to how I felt at the start of the year, when I was doing a lot of repetitive/menial tasks. When I'm doing interesting tasks that require quite a lot of concentration, I'm less likely to be so bothered about anxious thoughts.
Sometimes I still do have days where I feel worse than others (I had a dip a couple of weeks ago, but I think it could've been a combination of hormones and tiredness), but most of my days now are pretty good.
Although I have tried to avoid taking on too much responsibility for things, I still have a long to-do list so I must be careful not to burn myself out, as I'm still a bit fragile. I still have a bad habit of going to bed late because I try to cram too much into each day, although I know that isn't good for me because I feel less anxious when I feel well-rested.
So, I'm feeling a lot better than I was (I'd say I'm now about 85-90% back to my usual self), but I'm looking forward to feeling 100% again, like I did back in 2014! :)
Hey Sparkle, I'm glad you are feeling a lot better! It's good to hear it. Your hard work with CBT will stay with you forever as well, longer than the meds will. I think you'll kick that low-level anxiety to the curb with a combo of continuing your CBT and cit. Slow change is long-lasting change. I've been feeling a lot better too, lot more like myself again.
Happy to hear from you :)
Sounds like things are improving Sparkle :)
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.