Goody Two Shoes to Disobedient Rebel

[lior]

Not sure what category to post this in.

I would like to hear about other people's experiences and advice around taming my rebel side.

I think I'm only just going through a phase in my development that most people go through as teenagers. I find myself wanting to do the opposite of what I tell myself to, and I put my own ideas for what to do above what other people tell me to, especially at work.

I grew up being super obedient. I was the model student. I worked hard, always got my homework in on time, got all As. I nearly always did what my mother wanted me to. I jumped to please others, particularly my mother and teachers.

In my early work life, my managers were happy with me in that I always did what I was meant to.

Then a year ago, I left home suddenly, not able to take the emotional manipulation from my mother any more. I had been forced into a position emotionally that I had to stay at home, look after my brother, cook for the family and help my mother with her work. It was a non-negotioable situation. I was reprimanded for still being at home and not having moved out yet, and I was reprimanded if I tried to find work.

I had a breakdown and depression etc and now I'm on meds and I've started a good job. But I have this problem...

- if I am told to do something, I feel very upset and powerless.
- if I am given some work by a manager without a deadline, I do the work I set for myself first.
- if I have planned to get up and do stuff on a day off work, I want to stay in bed.
- if I do Headspace meditation when I'm meant to relax and be mindful, I want to get up and do stuff.
- if I'm thirsty, I don't want to get water.
- I want to eat food which is bad for me (I used to only want to eat food that is good for me).

I've spent the last year learning and practicing that it's ok to put my needs first - which was vital to help me release myself from my mother's manipulation. But now it seems to have spread to everything, too much. I've become disobedient. I'm not balanced. I'm not the ideal employee any more.

How do I tame myself enough to...
a) obey myself
b) make the right decisions at work?

I still want to put my needs first, so I'm not weak to my mother's manipulation if I decide to talk to her again.

How do I strike the balance?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi lior,

I think your issues with work are an adjustment issue because you have been working freelance and you had a bad experience with an employer not long ago which will have coloured your view slightly. So, this might change over time.

If someone doesn't issue a deadline, could you ask for an idea of when is acceptable to them? If they tell you "there's no rush" then maybe you take responsibility for setting a deadline because its clear you like to be organised. This way you could then treat it like any other project and plan it in against the work you set for yourself.

Compare the priorities of the two. Determine the needs of each and rank them.

If you plan your work in, then add this to the plan and give it a slot to be worked on. Planning can be as basic or as complicated as you want it to be.

Sometimes blocking time out to work on smaller requests all in one go is useful too as it prevents them interupting your main work. This can easily be spread across the week however you want whether 1 hour every day or so many hours in a block X times a week. It really depends on the type of work and how much of these adhoc requests you have coming in.

You could have a read of the Time Management articles online for advice on this too which might provide some tips you can use.

P.S. when I saw your thread title I was expecting a musical collaboration involving that Essex girl duo of X Factor and a rapper! :D

[Daniele_T]

There isn't much of a problem in what you do but clearly how you're thinking about it...

You seem to have only gone half way to looking after yourself, kinda testing the water but not diving in.

The reason this shows is because you're asking how to change it or tame yourself...which is in itself an odd word.
From your post its as though you feel bad for doing what's important to you, in everything.
From this you seem to be on the wrong track to what's gonna make you happy.
The work thing is sure an issue but not so much.

You sound like a victim that's being a bit of a rebel but dare not to and so challenge everything but not from a position of power.


Try to accept that all your decisions are your own, you are in control of what you want and althoug nobody is perfect you're gonna move forward to better your life instead of sacrificing it to please others.
That's not wrong!

Ultimately whether you choose to do something or not is your choice, not the opposite of what is asked to try and prove a point a little bit.
If you do something for someone else or something you're asked to then feel that it's your choice to do it, or not.
If you want to be on good terms with your mum that's your choice too, you may as well but know that it's because you decided to and not because you were forced...in anything.

It sounds like it'll take some time for you to accept that you can do what you want to but it'll be easier than self flagellation tbh :winks: