Dealing with partner's anxiety (I think)

[bruiseviolet]

Hi all, not sure if I should be posting here but I'm almost at my wits end.

My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years. He's been my best friend since I was 16.

Since he had a really traumatic experience last year (quit his job because his boss - one of his best friends was bullying him), he has not been the same. He has always been quite a nervous and anxious person but not ever this bad.

Slowly but surely, I feel that his inability to do most things and how he has isolated himself from his friends is eroding my sense of self and I have nobody to turn to. I think I make things worse for him because I am quite a highly strung person and can't always understand why he is the way he is sometimes.

He's started calling in sick often for work, even though he loves his job when he's not physically ill. Getting him to leave the house is impossible. We barely see friends apart from people we work with. Because of this he feels useless and frequently tells me how much of a loser he thinks he is.

I feel so so guilty that I can't help getting frustrated when I don't understand how he is feeling. I really hate myself for it.

I get very angry and bitter at how lonely I feel sometimes and I am finding it difficult to maintain or start friendships with new people because I can't commit to people when he takes up nearly 100% of my time.

We run a business together and I got him his day job at my work so we are never apart - which I don't mind really but I think because I've mothered him all this time, he really leans on me. I feel like all of this is my fault.

He is refusing treatment which is making me feel even more stressed about our future. We are engaged and supposed to get married next year but getting more and more worried that we will have to call it off and take it slower. More than happy to do that for him, but to him, it's just "another thing that he can't do for me". I'm sure that makes him feel awful as well.

I KNOW that there is something wrong. To my mind, it is clear that he has an anxiety disorder.

We are having real problems. How can I convince him to go to the GP and how do you cope as a partner when your spouse has severe anxiety? It is so painful because I love him so much and want him to feel better.

Thanks for reading.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I can't speak as a spouse but I know there are people on here who can and hopefully FMP will be able yo talk to you about that as he has been through some of that in the past I believe (sorry if I'm recalling that wrong FMP).

In terms of getting into his head though, you're in the right place because we will all certaintly understand that.

One of the things I would encourage you to try to understand is Cognitive Distortions. We are usually told all about this in therapy as it tends to monopolise our thinking. These are essentially negatiev thinking styles, you have given several examples of them already e.g. telling you he is a loser would fit into several of them for different reasons and I'm happy to break that down if you can give a more specific example where he would say that.

Cognitive Distortions can be found on Wiki if you want to read them. Its a good description and they match the ones I was given.

His thoughts will be dominated by this. He will be focussing on the things he can't do, blowing things out of proportion by ignoring all the evidence and focussing on specific negative elements. He will catastrophize about situations and ruminate over unhelpful thoughts that just keep him where he is.

He does need help with this along with your support which you clearly are very willing to give. For this, he needs to get into some form of therapy, most likely CBT based. A trip to his GP is the best place to start this.

Do you think he is unwilling to see a GP because he is too nervous, in denial, maybe embarressed, etc? Men can be less comfortable with dealing with feelings & emotions than women are so we can go into ourselves and not want to seek help. He needs to know its ok to ask for it and that he is one of many in this situation. One in four is the statistic in the UK and whilst anxiety is said to affect more women then men, there are many men who experience it. There are many men on here for a start.

The withdrawing does fit well with an anxiety disorder or even a depressive disorder. It tends to be a question of which comes first, anxiety or depression but comorbid conditions are very very common.

What you say about the wedding is going to be how he sees it. He will see it as a failure on his part to do something for you. However, the way to deal with these situations is to get across all the relevant points as why this is needed, not that he is a failure but that you want the best day possible for you both and for that to happen, he needs to recover.

This is is why I tend to say to partners, look at the Cognitive Distortions. I say the same to sufferers. The reason being, you can take your negative thoughts (or your partners) and write them down. Then you mark up each distortion. This then gives you an idea of the current thinking process and you come up with something to counter it. This can be difficult at first but as you do it, it becomes more a common sense thing.

I'm sure some of us could help you come up with counter-evidence until you get to grips with it and then you will be easily able to do it ongoing. Since I learned how to do it, I can easily pick it out of posts on here all the time. It becomes second nature and thats important because you need to keep at this as a sufferer or your negative thinking will keep dragging you down.

I would also encourage you to look at Davit's threads on the Panic board because there is a lot explained in them. Some of it may be heavy going, but just ask and he will explain it. There are also some useful links in there to things like "Core Beliefs" which form to control your behaviour and its essential that these are tackled in recovery.

Getting him to his GP might mean showing him stories of others. There are people on here who have gone from horrible situations into better places. The Success Stories board us useful for this. You could look at Time-To-Change by Rethink which aimes at breaking down mental health stigma as there are a lot of user stories on there.

He is complete control, a GP can't force anything on him. They will understand. They may offer medication and he can choose this or not, but he should accept therapy so he can talk to an expert who can guide him through this. Some therapists will also have partners in, sometimes at set points, so they can work together.

[bruiseviolet]

Hi Terry

Thanks for replying and for the advice.

I think the reason why he won't go to the GP is firstly, he's always dodged the doctors since he was a little kid. Secondly, he doesn't want to admit to himself that his ex-best friend / ex-boss got to him this badly that he needs treatment. I think its more pride but also the fact that he just dislikes going to the doctor. Don't know whether its just the doctor or just that it's a new person. I don't really know - he just won't entertain the conversation. He does acknowledge that there is something wrong, though. I guess thats the first step.

These cognitive distortions that you're talking about make a lot of sense. He tends to have good and bad days. For example, he'll be going into work and be 100% happy to do so - then he'll call in sick, have a week off and get into a real state saying that he's a loser and that he's dragging me down and that I am better off without him.

His new job is being really supportive about his "fake" illness that I'm having to pretend he has because he's off work so often recently. But it's NOT a fake illness - I keep telling him. He loves his job, the people he now works with are the best people I know. There is a reason why he keeps doing this.

He had been suffering at his old job for about a year before he finally told me what had been happening and I encouraged him to quit. It had serious re-percussions on a friendship that he had with the friend of nearly a decade and since we are part of a tightly knit-group, it has not been easy avoiding social situation where the two might meet. He is now avoiding going out all together.

I am just angry because his boss was quite clearly a psychopath and took advantage of my partner's good nature and damaged him like this. There is literally nothing that I could do to prevent it from happening.

Now I feel like I'm scrabbling around trying to help him not fall apart most days - in the process, I'm forsaking my own future, PhD application...etc. It is really quite a desperate situation.

[Emilym80]

Hi there,

I think denial is really common for people with mental illnesses. I didn't believe my mum when she said maybe something was wrong, but I went to a counsellor anyway to make her happy. Lo and behold, she was right. I basically thought everyone felt the way that I did.

There are a fair amount of preliminary questionnaires online that have been developed by mental health charities- could you try having him complete one honestly and see where he's at? I think you also need to explain honestly and frankly how you feel about the situation and how it's impacting upon your own wellbeing at present.

Ultimately, it's his responsibility to look after his own mental and physical health, no matter how dependent he is on you at the moment. Even if you've mothered him somewhat, it's not fair on you for him to refuse treatment and you need to make him aware of that somehow. Even if he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him per se, he must know that his behaviour with respect to his job is abnormal.

I hope some of that helps- feel free to PM me or ask away if you have any questions and I'll do my best to help.

Take care.

[MyNameIsTerry]

There are a fair amount of preliminary questionnaires online that have been developed by mental health charities- could you try having him complete one honestly and see where he's at? I think you also need to explain honestly and frankly how you feel about the situation and how it's impacting upon your own wellbeing at present.



The GAD-7 is used in IAPT services and across the world. If you Google that, you will get psychology sites that have an online version where it works out whether you fit into mild, moderate or severe. It will also explain that that means.

There are various other ones, some which are disorder specific, but the GAD-7 is a good one to try. I can check which ones I used and post the names if needed. They were (I think) Work & Social Scale, there was a depression one that is a standard assessment form and a self harm one. The self harm one can be received badly by some people but its really there to understand whether you could be at risk. If you are not, you have nothing to worry about - it doesn't mean they are considering sectioning.

[bruiseviolet]

The online questionnaires could help him realise that there is something to go to the doctors for. Thanks EmilyM80 and Terry. I just checked out the GAD-7 questionnaire - looks like something that could really help him see the scale of the problem. I can already see him on the "extreme" end.

I'm just trying not to fall apart myself. As a highly sensitive person, I tend to over-emote and take things really personally so its been really difficult accepting that there is nothing that I can do to help him right now. Except insisting that he sees a GP.

He needs to see a professional - I fear I am making things even worse.

Thank you both for your kindness. I really don't have anyone to turn to, including family, since he's pretending that everything is fine on the outside.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Terry

Thanks for replying and for the advice.

I think the reason why he won't go to the GP is firstly, he's always dodged the doctors since he was a little kid. Secondly, he doesn't want to admit to himself that his ex-best friend / ex-boss got to him this badly that he needs treatment. I think its more pride but also the fact that he just dislikes going to the doctor. Don't know whether its just the doctor or just that it's a new person. I don't really know - he just won't entertain the conversation. He does acknowledge that there is something wrong, though. I guess thats the first step.

These cognitive distortions that you're talking about make a lot of sense. He tends to have good and bad days. For example, he'll be going into work and be 100% happy to do so - then he'll call in sick, have a week off and get into a real state saying that he's a loser and that he's dragging me down and that I am better off without him.

His new job is being really supportive about his "fake" illness that I'm having to pretend he has because he's off work so often recently. But it's NOT a fake illness - I keep telling him. He loves his job, the people he now works with are the best people I know. There is a reason why he keeps doing this.

He had been suffering at his old job for about a year before he finally told me what had been happening and I encouraged him to quit. It had serious re-percussions on a friendship that he had with the friend of nearly a decade and since we are part of a tightly knit-group, it has not been easy avoiding social situation where the two might meet. He is now avoiding going out all together.

I am just angry because his boss was quite clearly a psychopath and took advantage of my partner's good nature and damaged him like this. There is literally nothing that I could do to prevent it from happening.

Now I feel like I'm scrabbling around trying to help him not fall apart most days - in the process, I'm forsaking my own future, PhD application...etc. It is really quite a desperate situation.

Hi,

Yes, I think many of us do that. We get into negative cycles and start to feel a real burden. Don't entertain this, its a temporary mood state or negative thinking and I'm sure you've seen this change and then come back. Its just part of the cycle when you are struggling.

In CBT they also teach you about how your thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions, etc all play a part and all feed each other. Ant one of them can trigger a negative spiral.

I think he is much better off away from that person. He does seem to be kicking himself for it though. Do you think he blames himself for that situation? Perhaps he needs to realise the truth - again the evidence. He could be spending time analysing this and until you have learned the skills to question your judgement, you will only come out of it thinking negatively.

Avoidance is a bad one with anxiety. Its perfectly understandable and it happens to probably all of us (I lost all my friends due to it). I often see things as a bubble and the more you practice avoidance, the more it shrinks. The knock on effect is to your self confidence, self worth and overal your self esteem. Anxiety disorders give these a major battering and unless you fix them along with the rest of your recovery, you just set the stage for a possible relapse.

Has he talked through this situation with you? Has he listened when you have told him its not his fault? Maybe presenting him with all the evidence will help him to accept?

Its bound to influence later work experiences though. Memory is linked to anxiety disorders (see Davit's "Memory" thread) and he will likely have spent time in his mind creating new core beliefs around what his future work experiences will be based on the old ones. Again, this is Cognitive Distortion as well e.g. generalisation, plus some others.

Its good that he knows there is a problem, for some they can't even see this.

Would he be willing to do some reading about his issues? Maybe reading the articles on here? How about reading some anxiety therapy modules? There are various free online CBT courses but also various workbooks that may give him some sense of what he is experiencing?