Social anxiety = Did some stupid stuff - would really appreciate a hug right now

[anxiousalot]

Hi everyone,

I've been battling with anxiety / depression for about 3 years now and generally things have been getting better; however every now and then (for example, right now) I have a freak out and it's all too much. I've not really done this before, but I thought reaching out might help. Hopefully :)

So, why am I freaking out this time? Well, as usual for me, it's to do with a girl and general social anxiety. Basically, there's a girl at work I really like, and I think she might like me too, but I'm way too nervous to do anything about it. The whole company went out for drinks on Friday night and a few people were egging me on to talk to her / ask her out. So I had a few drinks to calm my nerves, then a few more, then a lot more. You can probably guess where this is going :/

I talked to her a few times that night, and I think things went ok (although a big part of my anxiety is that I can't really remember!), but I do remember being very drunk at the end of the night and talking to her then. In a sleepy / dozey drunk state. I don't know what I said, but I think I was a bit weird. I have a strong feeling I did or said something stupid. In fact I kind of remember leaving the pub just after her, I guess so I could try and speak to her in private (without feeling like everyone was watching), but then ending up just walking about 100 ft behind her for like 5 minutes, unable to work up the nerve to say hi. Like some kind of freaky stalker. God I hope she didn't see me. I swear that's not what I'm like. I think I'm actually a pretty decent guy, just shy and really stupid.

And now I have to face everyone at work tomorrow. I keep trying to tell myself it's probably not that bad. Everyone would have been drunk then. No-one will probably remember. But what if they do? What if everyone's laughing? Or weird with me? Or even worse? Right now, I kind of want to quit. I know that's stupid, but I just want to run away and never go back. Crazy, right? But tempting.

I just feel so stupid, and pathetic. I'm a grown up guy. I should be able to talk to girls. I should be able to be normal. Oh, wy did I drink so much? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let this bother me so much?

Sorry, a bit overdramatic maybe. Although to be completely honest, I'm actually holding back, a lot. Don't want to freak you folks out too much.

Anyway, that's me. Um.. please be kind :)

[Oosh]

Oh dear. Listen, don't get too freaked out about it. We've all gotten drunk and done things we regret. I'm guilty of being that shy. I'm guilty of drinking too much and doing daft things and I still cringe at the memories now.

It's harder when you are shy and inhibited because by our nature we are cautious and take care not to do things embarrassing so when we get drunk and those inhibitions disappear we have to face what we did the next day when the inhibitions are back.

It's easy though, alcohol was involved so make it your scapegoat. You say after a certain point you can't remember anything. You mixed your drinks, make up stories of being sick and not knowing how you got here and there and never again etc etc Say you hadn't eaten enough that day and you just can't remember anything from quite early on. "Sorry if I did anything stupid everyone ! I can't remember anything. So embarrassed. Never again" etc etc

Then just learn from it. I hated it. Feels so good to be uninhibited but feels awful next day when the inhibitions are back and you remember.

You are better just being yourself with that girl. You don't need alcohol, it ruins everything. You sound like a nice bloke. I'm sure she'd like you just as you are.

You've not done a great deal wrong. Alcohol makes idiots of us all. Laugh at yourself.

[anxiousalot]

Thanks Oosh. I really appreciate that :) You're absolutely right. Although it's a fine line between laugh and cry at the moment.

It's one of the things I hate most about being anxious: intellectually I can completely understand:
* everyone gets drunk, everyone makes mistakes and everyone messes up from time-to-time
* I shouldn't be so hard on myself
* I did a bad/stupid thing, but that doesn't make me a bad/stupid person
* I just have to own up to what I did and try and laugh it off
* life goes on
(Note to self: re-read that, a few times)
but as for when it comes to feeling it...

It's the same with my inhibitions. If I could just shrug them off, I know life would be so much better and easier, and there probably wouldn't be that many downsides. But still...

I guess that's why drinking is so attractive, at the time. In a way I miss being on medication, as that meant I hard-and-fast wouldn't allow myself to drink. Ever. Which I really wish I could do again; however that extra pressure of being the one not drinking is a bit too much for me at the moment I'm afraid.

Anyway, thanks for letting me get this out. Helps to talk.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow :)

[theharvestmouse]

I can empathise with your situation and as someone who is also painfully shy most of the time I have been there. But be very careful with alcohol, I used to self medicate with alcohol especially on nights out, it can end badly and only adds to the anxiety. I used to wake up so many times wondering what I'd done and trying to remember things I'd said.

Learn from it and move on, maybe laugh it off tomorrow.

[mark84]

Hey buddy, don't worry I think most people (anxious or not) have gotten drunk and done weird stuff. My advice is if any one brings it up don't defend yourself just laugh along and don't make a fuss about it, that way even IF they have remembered anything they'll soon forget about it. Hope that helps a bit!

[SparkleDreams]

Hi, I hope everything went well for you at work the following day.

I hadn't been in the pub for months after diagnosis and then one day my friend persuaded me to go. People were missing me etc, etc. So I went, and it was fine, to begin with but I began to get too relaxed and the booze went down easily. I got talking to a guy and ended up leaving with him. That doesn't sound bad in itself but I left all my belongings in the pub, including my iPad which was in my bag. I actually have no idea what happened after that. I've a receipt from a cashline where I took out a tenner and it has the location on it. However, I actually went home. Well, that's where I woke in the morning.
I also had text messages from my friend saying the bouncers at the pub were worried about me. She also had my belongings. I couldn't even reply to her at that moment, I was so ashamed. I haven't been back to the pub and I was classed a regular there.
We all do daft things. Especially when drunk. Don't beat yourself up about it x

[anxiousalot]

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind replies, I really appreciate it. It's amazing what a kind word or a shared story can do :) Help me realise I'm maybe not that weird after all. Or if I am, it's not that big a deal.

I also wanted to give you a bit of an update: Long story short, it all turned out fine. No-one even commented. Turns out the girl I had been talking to was just as drunk as me (if not more, she ended up falling asleep on the tube and didn't wake up until the end of the line!) and didn't really remember anything. And both of our exits weren't really noticed. I was very relieved. Although the wait for people coming into work that morning was excruciating.

Despite everything turning out ok, I have decided this should be a bit of a wake up call, in both my approach to alcohol and how I cope with my anxiety. At the last two works drinks (unfortunately it's quite a boozy company, so they happen very often) I've really controlled myself and still managed to enjoy them. Although it has to be said, with a bit more effort needed on my part. Though a much nicer morning after!

Also, in terms of the girl, I'm still hoping there's something there. And, assuming I don't come up with another fantastic excuse (something on par with 'the weather isn't really that great today and it's a Monday') I'm hoping to ask her out tomorrow. I'm thinking of either asking her to lunch, or maybe for a coffee after work. As a prelude to asking her out to a thing on Saturday. The only issue is that there's always people around at work, so it feels kind of awkward to do it in person (with people watching). Although that is how I'd rather do it. It seems much better than an instant message. Although asking is better than not, so... I don't know. We'll see.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for tonight, thanks again everyone :)

[youdontknowme]

I bet it's not that bad. I've been to a few parties in my day. People do dumb stuff. If everyone else is drunk, nobody really thinks twice about it. If someone is sober to witness it:
A) The person was just acting weird. Maybe everyone laughs about it, but usually in a friendly way, and it's all water under the bridge before too long.
B) Someone behaves in a truly unacceptable way, such as assaulting a woman (sadly, it's happened) and are truly disliked for revealing their disgusting character.
It sounds like at worst you may have been a little awkward and made her uncomfortable. Then again, maybe you didn't. In any case, I doubt it was bad enough that you're going to get persecuted at work, especially since everyone was drinking. I bet you're not even the only person who acted a little "off".
Really, everyone's said or done dumb shit when they were drinking. Once I slept with a guy I'd just met at a camping party. Everyone heard it. My friends teased me and gave me shit for it, but in the end we all just had a big laugh about it. Most of them had done something similar at some point. They didn't think any less of me.
Besides, people worry about themselves more than they worry about the awkward drunky behavior of someone from their office :P I bet that right at this very minute you are the only person still thinking about it.

---------- Post added at 06:13 ---------- Previous post was at 06:11 ----------

Ooh! Just read your update. Glad to hear that things are okay :) Good luck with her!!

[SparkleDreams]

Hey, that's good news. I hope things went well with the asking out :D