No life or friends..

[clockwork7]

Hi. I don't normally seek out help from forums... or anyone for that matter. I'm a 21 year old, female and I'm fairly certain I have social anxiety (or some other form of anxiety?) and/or depression. I'm not diagnosed with anything, I haven't tried to seek treatment and haven't been able to bring myself to do so for a number of years now. My situation is that I'm too afraid to go anywhere alone. I hate daytime. I'm paranoid people are looking at me and judging me. I'm more or less okay if I go out with somebody else, but... I have no job (I work independently from home), I have nowhere to be so for long periods of time (weeks or months) I'm in my house and don't leave it. I have little motivation, little energy, low self esteem etc.

Most times I can sort of tolerate it, but I know I'm just existing and not living.

I used to have a number of online friends but I cut contact because of how toxic they had become. One friend in particular became particularly obsessive and manipulative and I've only recently come to terms with it and moved on. I have two friends in person but I haven't seen either of them for months (one lives out of town), but I wouldn't even really consider them friends any more.

I reacquainted with the second friend in January and have heard nothing from her since and she's probably the only person I've sort of opened up to about how I feel and how I've felt over the past few years. I also confided in her about some home troubles, like my dad (the closest person to me) being arrested and going to prison. I'm pretty sure I put her off meeting up with me again and she didn't seem that interested in what I had to say. She shut me down and told me I need to 'talk to somebody' or 'take up drinking' (which was pretty shocking and upsetting to hear her suggest something like that)

I don't and have never had a friend in person that truly knows me for who I am and I'm continuously taunting myself by searching up on people I used to know and seeing them in pictures with friends, going places, having fun. I'm envious and it just makes me feel incredibly alone.

A few months ago I was seriously contemplating suicide but I could never actually bring myself to go through with it. I know my parents would be heart broken, and my brother. I'm hugely supportive of both my parents and they both confide in me and I rely on them, too. I may be the only bit of sanity my dad has while he's in prison.

Recently I haven't been contemplating it, but the frustration and loneliness never seems to go away and even when it does, it will always come back. If it wasn't for my boyfriend (who sadly lives a long distance away. I can't help but feel he'd be disappointed if he met me in person anyway!) I would simply have nobody to talk to day-to-day. I wish I could go places alone and do things and not have a single worry about it, but then I realize how crushing it would be to do things alone and have no one to experience them with. I've never been good at making friends, I often wonder how I ever made any and now I have none and I wonder if I'm ever going to make any again. I just want someone to be on my side and give me a shoulder to lean on for once. I've had people comment to me about how 'strong' I am and I don't feel 'strong'.

I just want to feel 'normal' and be 'normal', not somebody that hides away from the outside world and is unable to do things and talk to people. I'm tired of feeling paranoid and pretending. People do things in day-to-day life and think nothing of it. I want that desperately. I have no idea if it's just me or if there is something wrong with me. I'm too much of a coward to seek professional help and have been for years, so I just feel stuck in a horrible cycle of frustration, regret, lots of things. I feel I've wasted my teenage years completely and time really seems to go fast, days are just merging together for me and have been for a long time. My biggest fear is never doing the things I want to do in life because of this fear.

Where do I go, or where do I even start from here?

[Rayne]

I don't know if I'm the right person to answer this thread but nobody has answered. I would feel guilty if I didn't at least try to help. From what I searched up you probably have a general anxiety disorder (dont take my word for it im not a professional). I know going to the doctors can be challenging but may help. If your truly opposed to going to the doctors. Then you may want to try CBT it really helps. Have you told your boyfriend about what your feeling? He knows you he might be able to better reassure you. Also to help you thousands of people feel the same way you are not alone. I hope my advice helped even a little. If you ever need to talk I'm here.

[Oosh]

I spent a large part of my life with social anxiety. I know what that all feels like.
I've been through a lot to get out of that situation. It's very doable. (Does that word exist ? *shrugs*)

I think you need to stay connected to places like this and work on the changes that need making.

You need change, other people, to face the fears that keep you where you are. Only in forcing yourself to be around others and be around the situations you fear will you be able to change how you feel, see yourself differently and undo the negative beliefs you've built up about yourself and others.

The problem being isolated away from others is youre always just dealing with the imagined world. It's of no use to anyone. Most of that imagined stuff, the imagined you, the imagined them, it's not real.

You can change pretty quick when you are faced with a real person and discover they are human and feel like you and that maybe YOU could help THEM feel better or faced with a real person who likes you. These things all bring big changes in self esteem and beliefs. They don't come on your own.

I know how hard it is to put yourself in these situations. But if you let fear keep you there you'll be there feeling like that forever. At some point you just hate it so much you "feel the fear and do it anyway". And you go out there and manage how you feel and how you see things as you go. That's how you change. Confidence and self esteem can build pretty quickly.

What have you got to lose ? Is what you currently have really worth keeping ?

What job do you do from home ? That sounds like a good start. You have something productive and positive to focus on.

Sorry about your dad. That must be very difficult.

Hated daytime. Yep.
Self conscious. Yep.
Crappy friends. Yep. (Take up drinking ?! Don't)
Jealous of the life everyone's living. Yep
Of course you feel like packing it in. I did too.

Big step for me was getting my first car. It got me out more. But yes, doing things on your own is crap. That's a good thing to realise because feeling that will push you towards other people. People need the company of other people so it's natural that those reward systems will tell you when that's not happening.

Insecurity, low self esteem, low confidence are all "normal" human conditions. They're also all changeable too. Your feelings for the situation you are in are "normal". Change your situation and you'll change how you feel.

You've got PLEEEEEEEEEENTY of time to do the things you want to do with your life.

What are your goals, interests ?
What would you like your life to be like ?

Talking to your doctor wouldn't be a bad idea. "I have social anxiety and agoraphobia and would like counselling and cbt please".
Easy enough ?
And a good first step.

It's just someone real to talk to that's all. It helps. I thought my counselling was a bit useless but always enjoyed having someone real to talk to.

Cbt is just telling someone how you feel and they'll work with you to change that.

They'd be new people to add to your list of GOOD, REAL people you have to talk to and help you.
Mum
Dad
Bro
Counsellor
Cbt therapist

Create that list and grow it.

There are lots of really good people here so keep posting and recording your progress or lack of it and people will try to help.

To do in the morning - Docs appointment for counselling and cbt ! :)

[youdontknowme]

Clockwork, you sound like an absolutely normal person who suffers from anxiety and self esteem issues.
There's nothing unloveable about you, once you start seeing that you'll start loving you and waking up to the lively, beautiful person you are deep down in your heart.
Be your own best friend, face your fears, and your life will be luminous. I know those are tall orders. Take it one step at a time.
I've been in some very dark places that were somewhat similar to yours. Of course it's hard to want to go on existing when you don't even feel alive. Trust me, life can be a wonderful adventure! There's roses to smell and they are calling your name. People have called you strong, and I agree. You are strong enough to heal and come to life. I have faith in you.
And hey, if ya ever need a friend, feel free to PM me.
I'm digging Oosh's advice :)

[SparkleDreams]

Clockwork, get yourself to the doctor and get a diagnosis. I know it seems difficult to do but once you get a diagnosis, maybe start medication, you'll feel like you've done something. Plus the doc will start referring you, and they'll be on your side.

I would suggest stop looking up other people. It won't help. Facebook is terrible for this. Although, I do this myself and think 'why are they so happy and I'm not?' but you have to remember, they're only showing you one part of their lives. They will have terrible times too.

I know you find it hard going out and doing new things but try. I found even going to the library helped. I would sit and read for a bit. Talk to a couple of people. I never made any friends but it got me talking to people again.

Try and do things on your own, I know you'll feel like you should be sharing those thing with someone but you don't need to. You can do things on your own. And when you've done it you'll have achieved something. Even if it's take a walk or visit somewhere.

Also, there is no such thing as normal, everyone is different, everyone is unique. You are you and no-one or anything should make you feel otherwise.

It's incredibly exhausting to live from day to day living with anxiety and depression which is why I would urge you to get a diagnosis. You will get help. You'll realise you are not alone, that so many people suffer like you do.

It's going to be a difficult journey but it'll be worth it. Posting here will help. x

[youdontknowme]

Clockwork, get yourself to the doctor and get a diagnosis. I know it seems difficult to do but once you get a diagnosis, maybe start medication, you'll feel like you've done something. Plus the doc will start referring you, and they'll be on your side.

I would suggest stop looking up other people. It won't help. Facebook is terrible for this. Although, I do this myself and think 'why are they so happy and I'm not?' but you have to remember, they're only showing you one part of their lives. They will have terrible times too.

I know you find it hard going out and doing new things but try. I found even going to the library helped. I would sit and read for a bit. Talk to a couple of people. I never made any friends but it got me talking to people again.

Try and do things on your own, I know you'll feel like you should be sharing those thing with someone but you don't need to. You can do things on your own. And when you've done it you'll have achieved something. Even if it's take a walk or visit somewhere.

Also, there is no such thing as normal, everyone is different, everyone is unique. You are you and no-one or anything should make you feel otherwise.

It's incredibly exhausting to live from day to day living with anxiety and depression which is why I would urge you to get a diagnosis. You will get help. You'll realise you are not alone, that so many people suffer like you do.

It's going to be a difficult journey but it'll be worth it. Posting here will help. x

Ditto what Sparkle said. ESPECIALLY the thing about facebook. I use it more often than I should. 99% of the time it amounts to nothing but a colossal waste of time. It also makes self image issues much worse because you start comparing yourself to other people. I have long struggled with self worth issues. They have improved vastly in the past few years, but facebook used to bring me to tears. I would see gorgeous women getting hundreds of likes on their selfies. I would see couples in loving relationships all over each other's profiles on Valentine's Day. Almost automatically, I would start comparing and sinking into despair.
"No wonder my exes abuse me, I'm so ugly and blahblahblah..."
Ironically, social networking often makes people feel MORE lonely and LESS connected than they would if they spent less time on it, or avoided it altogether.
Don't get into that. You are your own, unique incarnation. My advice; avoid facebook. Maybe even delete your account. It would be much better for you to be going out, working on meeting some people, getting involved in hobbies, going to therapy, hiking... whatever helps you find the real you :)
You're worthy of healing.

[23tana]

I could have written your original post. I am just now trying to get out of the house again by joining a group run by MIND.

If you don't think you could talk to your doctor, print off your post and take that with you for them to read.

We can get back out there! Good luck

[theharvestmouse]

Concentrate on your own life, you think that these people you know are having great lives, you don't know that. One thing I have learned in life is that quite often peoples circumstances are very different to what you think on first impression. And the people who work hard to try to show what a great time they are having, quite often they are insecure.

You need to take steps to make some changes, seek help and start by doing positive things, small things. There is some good advice on this thread.

[CookieCat]

I used to go through similar and thought that people I knew where having great lives/getting on with things etc but as I got older I learned that some people only show you what they want you to see, and tell you what they want you to know.

With this you can't push yourself too hard, it's all about baby steps! It will come naturally when youu're ready, speak to your Doctor and keep popping on this forum for that extra bit of support and you may end up making new friends on here, better friends infact with people who know/understand what you're going through cause they've gone through it themselves. :hugs:

[bluebottle]

What area do you live in? Would you feel able to meet someone from here?

[NuttyMummy]

Oh God, I could have written that, OP. :weep:

No particular insights - it's a mystery to me also but if you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to send me a PM. You're NOT a coward and you don't have to be alone because there are people out there that will understand.

[LieseyJ]

Hi, I am new to forum but this sounds exactly how I feel. I have been signed off work since start of May and awaiting counselling. I know I made the big step of getting help but have felt useless not working and feeling like I'm letting people down. Feels quite comforting knowing I'm not completely alone. :)

[Davit]

First step is to take the internet Briggs myers test to see if you are introvert or extrovert. No sense trying to be what you are not. Second step is to accept the fact that although we are social creatures that does not mean having lots of friends and having them in your area all the time. I'm an introvert but enjoy people but don't need them. I like my own company. I can though go to a restaurant by myself and end up talking to complete strangers. I spend more time with internet friends than real ones.
Life is about accomplishment when you have an anxiety disorder, it is what keeps you going and no one can do that for you, but they can share. It has to be their choice. I have friends I can tell anything, and they use me to vent but not all of them. Some I stick to common ground. Some times that is the only way to keep friends. Being a better listener than talker helps too.

[tommeasor]

I've had the same experience most of my life. The reason for me is that I have ASD (adult aspergers), so I have difficulty communicating with people. Most people are nice and except you as you are but there's a lot people out there, for one reason or another, find me as an easy target to put down to make themselves feel superior, in some way. I stopped mixing with people a few years ago as I find the silly games they play - one upmanship, gaining status within a group, and forming cliques very primitive and compeditive, but I guess that how nature made people. If you really want to engage with people you have to stop being so sensitive and develop a sort of arrogance to boost your confidence. It's a jungle out there, it really is, and the only way to survive in it is to learn how to live in it.

Best of luck,
Tom

[Davit]

Apples and oranges. There really is two very distinct different types of people and everything in between. I'm an orange. We are a very small minority. Apples annoy me but I tolerate them because they make up the majority. Most of my friends are oranges.

[clockwork7]

Thank you to everyone that responded.

Sorry for taking so long to reply back, I've been having a lot of issues with my computer and internet lately and to be honest I've only now just sat down to fully read over what everyone has said.

It's comforting to know so many people are in the some boat or have been! Recently I've been taking baby steps. Tiny baby steps, anyway. I've been actually going out for walks, I've found it helps clear my head for a short while. That and I actually sleep around midnight now and wake up in the morning and I sleep all through the night. I have a decent sleep schedule for once hah.

I've become very isolated recently. I've basically had no contact with anyone besides my parents for about a month now. I think the longest I've gone without contact besides my parents is four months (I was at the stage where I was rarely leaving my bed back then) My computer had issues so that meant I didn't speak to my boyfriend for at least a week, but ever since my computer fixed I've just been keeping myself to... myself and simply emailing, rather than using chat programs.

I sent an email to an online friend (we've been emailing for a long while now) and it got quite personal because I really needed to reach out to somebody that day. It's been nearly two weeks and they haven't responded, but I know they've been around on blogs / forums most days since. I feel I've probably scared them off. I've been emailing my boyfriend. He said he'd email back soon but he still hasn't and I've really needed someone recently. I'm feeling kind of paranoid now?

I've been struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts a lot lately and I simply have no clue who to turn to in times like these when no one even wants to just drop me a quick email in return. I just wanted a small word of reassurance, just... something. It's making me not want to reach out to anybody anymore and that I should just stop trying and stop communicating altogether. I just don't feel like my feelings are valid, like I'm not allowed to feel the way I do and I'm not allowed to express myself and expect any support in return. It kind of hurts, as I have always offered people an ear when they need to vent and I've always tried to offer encouragement and support to people when they need it. I know friendships/relationships are a two way street, so I know it's not selfish to want encouragement and support in return.

If it wasn't for my parents and my brother I'd feel like I had a free pass to just quit on life. I feel like there is no one besides them that currently cares, and even they don't have the slightest clue because I can't open up to any of them. I'm trying not to view it as a victory that no one outside family members wants to speak to me. 'Oh, well no one cares anyway so I don't have to worry about upsetting anyone by not being here'. But I know that's a bad way of looking at things.

I want to seek help soon so I can start feeling better about myself and put my well being first to try and build some sort of future and not feel so low all the time.

I actually have no clue what to do in terms of booking appointment, getting a diagnosis, what to say etc. I'm completely clueless there. I rarely go the doctor unless I have to (ie. I have an ear infection or something)

I have a patient form to fill out so I can switch to a different practice, one that is a lot closer and has opened recently. There's a bit on the form that asks questions about depression etc and I filled that in honestly. All I need to do now is hand in the form. Do I just go into the doctors and hand it in at the receptionist desk?

I want to ask my mother for help with it getting an appointment booked etc but I have no clue how to approach her about it without chickening out or making a casual joke about it. I don't know why it is but it's extremely difficult for me to open up about how I'm feeling in person. I just can't seem to get the words together :/

Thanks again to everyone in this forum, it's super helpful!

[Davit]

No body cares? Well damn it I care. There is no other reason to be here than caring. Some think I have another reason, but they are wrong.

[Aber]

Clockwork, I'm also twenty-one and in-between jobs. I have social anxiety which goes one of two ways, either very depressed and panic attacks or very obnoxious because I can't deal with it any other way. I am going through a bit of a downer myself having just moved back to my hometown and having severely limited my contact with someone I thought was my best-friend after I realised he is incapable of being happy for me when I am feeling okay.

I will say this to you now: if you seek help from your doctor, ask for CBT. Ask for therapy and not simply for medication. Medication can take an awfully long time to realign your brain and make the effects work once you are off the medication. What people benefit most from is a type of therapy because it teaches you to have confidence and let go of your insecurities, not just smother them. By all means ask for medication if it will make you feel better short-term and help you continue to be motivated in your treatment, but please do not allow it to end there. I am personally petrified of seeking help and am stubbornly trying to make myself better through volunteering, but that is very tiring and leaves me feeling quite sick on some days.

Just hand your form in at the desk and when you have been registered, which I received a letter from telling me my new doctors name, you can make an appointment.

I'm not sure where in the UK you're from, but we're the same age and I have my fair share of people who really don't understand, so if you ever want to chat, drop me a message and maybe we can exchange email addresses or something if you want to.

[Oosh]

It's good to see you back clockwork.

Well done for those baby steps.

If your online mates are letting you down, make some more here. Respond to some posters requesting pen pals in the pen pal section. Broaden your support network so you're not reliant on the same few people.

It's not selfish to want encouragement in return. People aren't perfect. They're going to let us down sometimes.

You want to move towards real life friends anyway. Online friend support can be a good substitute for now.

Put your thoughts down here if you want to when no online friends are responding. This can be your thread.

Your situation is rubbish, I can see that. But try not to start thinking catastrophically. I know there's a way forward from there. I had to do it. It's gonna take some facing of fears and talking to people but you can get it all back on track and catch up with life. If you spot yourself thinking catastrophically, stop yourself. You are going to sort things out so don't worry.

Doctors appointment.
I'm agoraphobic and suffering from General, social anxiety.
I'd like counselling and cbt please.

Just do that. Start there. You need to start that process of talking it out and realigning yourself with the real world and the real you. You and the real world are both actually ok and you'll feel better when you believe that again.

Post here if you need to talk and your online mates have legged it :yesyes:

[clockwork7]

Aber: Thanks for responding! I think I will definitely ask for something besides medication, I can't honestly see medication doing that much. I think that talking to somebody is probably what I need most of all. In truth I'd be kind of worried about medication making me feel worse, and I'd end up addicted or something.

My biggest fear is and probably always has been, is talking to somebody face to face about personal issues. I'm not at all ready for it, but as soon as I have forms filled in and the health centre assign by a doctor etc. I'll probably be going to see somebody. It's scary as hell. I've no idea what I'll say or if I'll just bottle it altogether.

Volunteering sounds like a good step in the right direction for you, it'd be great if you could see a doctor too, but I definitely understand how petrifying it is. I've finally realized that I am the only person that can seek help for myself and that no one else can do it for me. Still, the mental preparation definitely has me on edge right now :/

I'm in the North West btw! I will definitely drop you a message soon, thanks!

Oosh: Hi! Thank you. I've responded to people that have messaged me, I don't know why but I'm surprised to find some people don't live that far away, so that's good. I think I got used to making friends that were located in the US that finding anyone elsewhere was surprising haha.

I've found this forum seriously helpful so far, I've gone looking for forums like this way before now but I usually bailed and either didn't post or just left. I think it helps being surrounded by people that are very much in the same boat, as opposed to people that are confused and can't really understand your situation.

I have a lot of destructive thoughts lately but luckily I can find a distraction or find a better way of thinking, even if it's just for a short while.

I still have some details on my form to fill out. The health centre says online that it could take up to six weeks for them to send me a letter back, so I guess that is enough time to mentally prepare myself. I'm nervous as hell, but I think this is my best option. I'll probably end up on here much more because, really, I have nowhere else to go or anyone to turn to.

One thing I have noticed recently is that I'm caring less and less about people that don't seem to care. My time is wasted on pining for and wanting people I've drifted from to reach out to me and talk to me etc. It was getting quite toxic at times. I think looking back on things in general was / is getting toxic for me. I'm always looking back and never forward, which is exactly where I should be looking.

I think I'd much rather spend my time talking with new people that do want to talk and do notice.
So that's one good thing I suppose :)

[Oosh]

Ah I'm glad others here have been getting in touch with you. Staying connected to people helps. The right sort of people is even better.

I'm from the NW too. I grew up in Crosby, Merseyside. I'm in Yorkshire now though.

You could also tell people what your destructive thoughts are. :)
It's no big deal. I don't know whether it makes you feel vulnerable telling people how you feel but I wouldn't worry about it. Nobody is going to be mean.

Talking to counsellors, cbt therapists is no big deal. I wasn't bothered about it. I'd spent so much time trying to unravel my worries on my own I just saw therapy as an interesting opportunity to get some real educated input and HELP.
I feel competent at understanding things but I was eager for someone qualified to tell ME what to do and to help.

Your problems are very common. The reasons for your problems will be common too. People can help. It's easy, just sit down and plonk it all down so a different person can give a perspective on it.

Self esteem can be low, confidence can be built, bad experiences can be talked through and made peace with, beliefs about yourself, others and anything can change so you feel differently.

I thought people were rubbish. I thought --->I<--- was rubbish. It made me feel terrible (LOL!)
I know people aren't rubbish anymore and I know I'm not rubbish. Things feel better. I enjoy and like people, I'm no longer sort of phobic about them.

Don't give therapy a second thought. Your view of things changes throughout your life and you become different personalities as you change. If you're in a sticky spot bring about some of those changes in views now and help yourself change into someone who benefits more from people. It's like emotional food, we need it.

It's hard to stop looking back when you have nothing good to look forward to.
You forget the people who let you down (to some extent) when you have new people to focus on instead. So you've got to do new things and bring about change. Bring cool people into your life and positive changes to give you a buzz in the morning when you wake up.

[clockwork7]

I love Yorkshire. I wish I lived there rather than.. here (Lancashire)

I'm not really sure why but for as long as I can remember I've had trouble talking to people face-to-face about destructive / depressing thoughts. Whenever someone asks 'what's wrong?' I can't help but shrug it off or just make a joke / sarcastic comment. Opening up to someone is definitely a big challenge for me.

I think I'm just worried about people judging me or viewing me as 'weak', something like that. I'm very mindful about people's perception of me. Everyone knows me as a talkative person that isn't too serious and jokes a lot. I always make sure people don't see anything besides that sort of thing. Make it till you make it? It just makes it way more difficult to actually open up and talk on a personal level now.

Waiting for a letter from the health centre now, not sure how long it'll be.

Had a relatively okay day yesterday, feeling low again today. Positive attitude vanished pretty quick LOL. Still waiting on an email from my friend and boyfriend. Miss them both a lot. Paranoid/anxious they're fed up with me. Kept telling myself 'they'll get back to me soon, just give it time.'

But still nothing. Could really use their support right now, as they're the only two people I'm close to. It's frustrating that I communicate much better via email as opposed to chat programs like AIM etc. Heck, maybe they just hate emailing. Still, I miss them. I'd be happy with just a quick word, one sentence from them.. anything, really.

I could just be overthinking things. Felt paranoid/anxious about it for a while, now I have no idea how to feel.

Feel very sluggish, like I want to disappear, just generally feeling indifferent to everything today. I've had a persistent numbing headache on the right side of my forehead all week, lingers for a few hours and then goes away later in the day, feeling a bit concerned.. I rarely get headaches.

I have a nagging temptation to try and sabotage the relationship with my parents and brother and then I wouldn't have to worry about them missing me. I feel like I've already messed up other relationships so those people won't have to worry in the end.

I'm fretting about how to make money right now. I'm currently depending on my savings for rent money / bills etc. but I know my savings are going to run out very soon and I've made no effort to make any more money on online art communities. I've hit a brick wall with art, not finding much enjoyment in it right now. I think I need to shift my focus onto other areas, go back to the traditional side of things. God knows I have a lot of art supplies around the house left untouched. Suppose I better figure something out soon :(

I know a family friend was looking to pay someone to clean their house on a regular basis (which is a pretty big place). That was a long while ago, but I'm hoping they still need somebody. Think my mum said she'd put in a word for me.

Anyways... hope everyone's day is going well!

[Oosh]

Yorkshire people are really nice. They've always made me feel really welcome, have good banter and no ego at all.

There's right times and people to open up to. There's obviously very wrong times and people to go revealing how you feel too. Some will treat you like you've just revealed you are a dangerous alien and will slowly back away and disappear and some will tell you they have felt/feel the same way and will try to help you navigate through things. Finding cool people like that can be a healing thing because learning you can trust people and feeling the real you is accepted and valued is important.

You're waiting for a response from the health centre, that's great, well done.

Well your friend and bf must have known you and your issues when they got involved with you so is it likely they'd get sick of you ?
Did you all fight recently or something ?
Broaden your support network. Have others besides them to connect with. That's all you can do. It's normal for online friendships to be flakey.

Headache, probably just a headache. Don't give it a second thought. Getting the blood pumping can clear your head. Try doing some exercise this weekend.
I used to go swimming when I was socially isolated. It would give me a chance to get around other people and build my confidence.
What about a bike ride ? You have a bike ? Put some headphones on, music, a podcast, audiobook and get out and about for an hour or two.

I used to try to fill my day with anything so I could come back, eat my tea then watch telly knowing I'd sort of deserved it. Create some structure in your day.
Try and get around people somewhere. Walk around the shops, visit the baths, you don't have to talk to people, just be around the real world. Isolating yourself away from the real world just increases your anxiety of it. Keep giving yourself doses of the real world so it doesn't feel like anything to fear. See it for what it is, normal people, just like you, doing normal things.

A bike, walk or swim will lift your mood too and enable you to think more clearly. Might boost your creativity for your art work too.

Bin the sabotage idea. Move towards feeling accepted by people and feeling good about people again. That type of thinking is just like a little destructive virus. Ignore it. You're going to have a future full of rewarding relationships with people so don't let thoughts like that get in the way of that.
It's based on you believing you're being rejected right now which must mean you're rubbish and just something negative in people's lives. It's not true and is going to take time to change.

Art - exercise boosts levels of enjoyment. If I exercise in the day I'll feel higher levels of enjoyment in things later in the day.

Money making - you can get a type of cleaning called "keyholder" where you can visit homes and offices when nobody there and clean for an hour or so each day. That may be a way for you to earn a bit of money while your confidence builds.
Get back around people slowly. Your confidence rebuilds as you see the reality.

Put your art ideas here if you want and people can hopefully give their opinions.
I think there's an arts and crafts section on here. Maybe post some of your work.

Have a great Saturday.

[clockwork7]

That definitely speaks to me, the whole opening up to somebody and then they go and tell somebody else, even after you've asked them not. I know my mum has spoken to her new partner a few times after I've spoken to her. I'm not sure about him at all for reasons which I can't really get into here, but he took me and my mum out on Sunday for a drive so that helped for a while. It's still difficult seeing my mum without somebody else but he seems to be the only one offering to help out in any way, plus he can drive so that's handy.

I'm currently waiting for them to come and pick me up. I've got myself all riled up, I'm past anxiety right now... now I'm just angry. Still feeling like I'm very much on my own with this and it'd be much worse without this forum, this has become my 'go to' thing I think haha. I think people did know about my issues but they either didn't think they ran that deep or I didn't go into as much detail as I do here. I don't really know how to break it to people I'm close to that I get low to the point of feeling suicidal quite often, because then I feel like I'm guilt tripping them into talking to me more often etc.

I don't have a bike, don't think I can ride one either haha. I take walks sometimes, I think I'm off ice skating in a few days (haven't been for years and missed it a lot) so that's one thing to look forward to.

I let my art followers know I wouldn't be returning to art making, but I'm happy to go elsewhere under a new identity and branch off into other things. I think I'd just prefer a change. As soon as I can gather some inspo I'll probably put some things up on this site and see if there's any interest. Still looking into the keyholder idea, my mum's partner seems to know a lot of people so I'm hoping he'll be able to find somebody that needs a hand.

Thank you, hope your week is going well so far :)

[Oosh]

I'm the same. I've always had an issue with the privacy of my conversations.

I do it with my mum now. I speak to her on the phone for a good while every week but sometimes she'll put me on speakerphone when she is doing something and without me knowing I'm blabbing away and my dads in the background listening ! I'll find out and will be like "what the hell mum !! How long have I been on speakerphone to dad ??!"

Mum "oh it's ok. Only half an hour or so."
Me "?!?!"

Me and my mum are close but me and dad not so much so the thought of him hearing me blab away makes me cringe.

Yeh I imagine it must be difficult your mum having a new bloke. Not an easy situation.
Well there you go, he can drive, that's a start isn't it.

I'm glad the forums working for you in some way. Do it more in more places and broaden your support network. It's not nice having nobody to connect to when you are struggling.

Quite normal to have crises like these you know. It happens probably to more people than it doesn't. If your life's not been perfect then there's reason to have some difficulties. From what you've said about yourself I'd expect you to have some difficulties and to end up feeling how you do. It's all very common stuff.

Loneliness, isolation are huge barriers to you just getting some good support that would help you get over any difficulties you have been having.

Alone it can all feel much much more acute. Somehow you need to try and get a support network around you (a real one eventually) so you can join the human race again and feel more human. People make you feel better and allow you to get over these difficulties.

You sound like you might feel the benefit of a counsellor to talk to.

Maybe look on these kind of sites for anybody in your area to meet up with and form a supportive friendship. These sites are full of people who sound just like you, are isolated, without support and could really do with someone like them to become friends with. It's easier to trust people who you can see are having the same difficulties as you.

I couldn't ice skate if my life depended on it. I tried it once consistently because I really wanted to be able to do it. Not happening. It's good that you're doing stuff like that though.

Yeh, pop some of your stuff on the arts and crafts board.

Jobcentreplus website might have key holder cleaning vacancies in your area. I looked at them for extra money ages ago. They pop up occasionally.

Have you ever thought about going to uni or college to pursue your interest in art ? Might be a good way to meet new people and build a career doing something you love.

[ricardo]

You really are getting some great advise from others on here and that is what NMP is all about.

I would prioratise things, write them down, initially perhaps see your GP on a double appointment (as you say you rarely bother the doctors) and make a plan.

I have always believed one goes through life and one can count what I call real friends on one hand.

For now try and look after number one, and that is you.

[hoppipolla]

Yeah I totally get this.

I also don't do much, I feel alone, I have no real idea how to actually meet people, etc.

I'm older than you though - I'm 30.

I kind of did OK until maybe 26... I mean, I felt like it fizzled out with ups and downs from maybe 20 and in the last 6 months it's smashed into a brick wall lol

It's definitely not easy. I'm really glad this forum is here to be honest as I do find it helps.

I wish I could help you more but I'm in the same boat, but be patient and meet people through whatever means you feel appeal to you, including NMP :)

I hope things get better for you :)

[qwerty123]

There is some really good CBT stuff online, it could be worth a try until you can take enough steps to get out of the house to see your GP? There is an Australian website called The Moodgym. It's more for those with depression, but there are some good tips on there if you can stick it out and work your way through all of the waffle!

I liked it, it was easy to use. Didn't cure me, but made me feel a bit more like I wasn't completely abnormal.
:) :hugs:

[clockwork7]

Hi,

Thank you for all the responses and advice. sorry I haven't posted here in weeks. I think I was just trying to handle things by myself and try and figure things out. Went through a bad slump, out of the slump again now, feeling ok again.

I guess not much happening, but I'm still kind of tired / restless of it all.

Not long after I was saying how worried I was, my boyfriend sends me an email about needing to take a step back from us. He assured me it wasn't my fault. I then found out after I did a little searching that he had gotten back in touch with his ex around the time he wanted to take a step back from me, which he certainly didn't tell me about. I only found that about two weeks ago. Apparently they hope to be moved in together a few years down the line...

I sent my friend an email at the beginning of August but have heard nothing back. I've just been waiting patiently, wondering if he'd actually tell me all of this himself. It was a pretty ordinary email, just general chit chat, making sure he was okay etc etc. It's been weighing on my find constantly, I've written another email up to send to him but I haven't sent it yet. It's now the middle of September, I don't think I'll be sending it. It will probably be the last time we're in contact for a while, or altogether. I'm seriously hurt by it all, I feel like I've been used and then dropped and shunted aside. It hurts even more because he has always been the closest friend to me, we could easily talk for hours and be totally upfront with each other.

He's been my friend for years, and my heart admittedly sank when I heard he was in a relationship last year, but I was happy for him because he seemed happy at the time. I lost contact with him for a months while he was in his relationship, and then he contacts me again out of the blue to tell me he's broken up with them because they were flat out emotionally abusive and that they were toxic. Later in the year my friend is telling me he has feelings for me, and that his ex was a 'stepping stone'. I can't even put into words what was going through my head. I was so shocked, I'd always quietly liked him for years.

Weeks later and he's saying he wants to take a step back and he's back in contact with his ex and there's just total silence on my end. I feel like I've picked up and used and then dropped again. And just because he wanted to take a step back didn't mean my feelings just went away. I thought that it was something I had done wrong, but now I can see that wasn't the case.

Well, do I feel stupid.

I've also just found out he's gotten his first job after completing his high school diploma. He always struggled with anxiety, and he seems really happy and enthusiastic. I feel happy for him, even if we don't talk anymore for whatever reason... but I'm also just sitting here feeling kind of sad about it all, because he used to share all kinds of things with me and now nothing.

I've tried reaching out to people I've sort of known from a distance over the past few years, maybe five or six people and a conversation will get going and then just... nothing on my end, over and over. I'll wait a few days, then weeks... still nothing. Sometimes we'll talk about anything and everything, sometimes I will open up to them because they've specifically said that I could talk to them whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on, and even then I'll get nothing back. I've stopped taking advantage of that now and mostly just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I wouldn't expect any of them to invest any real care or concern to be honest, I don't really know them after-all. At first I was really hurt and bitter that it kept happening, but I guess that's just how people are. I've had people blow hot and cold with me a lot recently and I'm tired of feeling like I'm being pulled into some weird game.

It must've been seven weeks or more now since I sent off my forms to the health centre. Still heard nothing back. I don't know if any of the information on it was wrong and that's causing a delay, but... I feel forgotten. I feel like I'm back at square one. My sleep routine is terrible again, it takes me hours to drag myself out of bed everyday. I think less about suicide, but it's still there sometimes. The self doubt, the self criticisms, they're all still there. I don't often think about the future, but when I do I'm terrified I'll be alone and have no one.

I feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me, but for once I don't actually care about that. I feel like if it wasn't for my step dad calling me everyday, I would be much, much worse. Some days he'll be the only person to talk to me. But even then I can't grab a decent conversation, because the calls eat up his phone credit so quick. Our calls must last no longer than four minutes a day. Everyone else is sort of in their own bubbles or doing their own thing. Recently people in my family seem to be dropping in on me for favours, and then they'll disappear again.

People I speak to sometimes all have good and new things happening in their life. Exciting opportunities, new jobs, new relationships etc. I'm happy for them, but whenever I hear good news it's just another reminder that I haven't achieved anything. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, and maybe that's why no one in my family bothers about spending time with me. I think that's the reason I let friendships with people I knew face-to-face slide away, because I didn't want to be the 'loser' friend, the friend who has nothing going for them.

I really wish there was something big or interesting in store for me, or that there was something around the corner. I know there's a very slim chance of anything happening out of the blue. I have to go out there and find things for myself. Somehow. I've actually felt okay for the past two weeks, even though nothing has really happened. I know I'll probably be back in a slump soon enough because the horrible empty feeling seems to find ways of coming back. But finding out my friend has finally got himself his first job, and seeing how excited and proud of himself he has, has sort of just brought on a weird wave of sadness, knowing that I can't share his excitement and talk to him as normal.

It'll be october soon, I'll be turning 22. Then it'll be christmas before long (I'm already dreading it). Another year gone. I don't know if I can spend another year doing nothing and just existing. I've done that for three years. I should be living. I should be working a job, meeting people, going places, experiencing things.

I don't know how other people manage any of it, I really don't. I feel like I'm just getting subtle (and some not so subtle) signs that I'm just not worth anything to anyone. I'm easily forgotten, a disappointment, an underachiever and 100 other negative things. So then I ask myself 'well, why even bother? If people have their opinions of me they won't change them. That's their issue. But they're probably right.'

All I really want is to feel happy and have something to look forward to. It seems so out of reach.

I'm currently sitting here trying to pull an all nighter so I can get back into a better sleep routine. I've been going to sleep around 7am and waking up between 3-6pm, which is awful. I can't keep doing that.

[Oosh]

Oh no, sorry you've had a rough time :/

Distance relationships are like that though, they're flakey. They're easy to make though so why not just make some new ones.

Try not to take any of it personally. I suppose it might happen because if you're staying the same, people around you change and that's what you're seeing sometimes. You need to kickstart your own life and start your own little adventure. Bring new things and people into your life. It feels impossible but it's not. It's those first few moves that are scary, facing the initial fears. But it's important to do that and push anxiety back and let reality flood in.

I read a book "feel the fear and do it anyway" and I picked up the phone and talked to strangers. Terrifying ! I ended up starting a college course, meeting someone then I moved out of the family home. None of it's easy but when you feel the fear and do it anyway you find a few moves down the line that you are out of the crappy situation, some things are solved and you notice you're changing.

Make some plans and take some action to change your life.

Chase the health centre up, call them. Move forward with things and bring about change.

Well done for taking steps to get your sleeping habits back on track.

Self doubt, self criticism, fear of the future, it's all normal for where you are. Don't worry about feeling that way. It's all on a sliding scale and changes as your life changes.

Your situation is safe from your anxieties but it's agony isn't it ?
I mean your life has stood still and you're stuck where you are and afraid to change it but if you're honest you'll admit it's agony sitting there day after day with those same things making you unhappy. Wouldn't it be nice if things changed and you didn't wake up to those same things anymore ?

I think you're dying to have a life. I think you should put all your energy into that. Find some small steps to start with. Give yourself some goals to keep you positive and motivated. Change is a massive antidepressant. But you have to follow through or it wears off.

You have got LOTS of time. You're a bit later out of the blocks than the others but your life will start eventually and you'll have plenty of time. You can pretty much do anything you want at 21/22. Work on it, you see it then you do it. Start to let it take shape in your mind, what do you want to do in the future ?

You still haven't put any of your art in the art section either have you ! (God, I hope you haven't or I'm going to look a t!t lol)

This belief you have that people think you are a disappointment, an underachiever and not worth anything is how YOU see yourself and you're projecting it on to other people in your life. There are many people who can empathise with you who don't think any of those things at all.
You need to start entertaining the idea that people out there are good and empathise and don't think you're rubbish. It will really do you good to believe that. On this site alone there are plenty of people who understand the crappy situations we can find ourselves in. You need to bring change into your life and change these ways you feel.

Start thinking where you'd like to be in 2016. Then start making it happen.

[clockwork7]

So I haven't posted here in months, sorry about that. (Also, talk about time flying by. It's weird how fast time flew by and yet nothing really happened in all those months.)

Yesterday I finally went to the doctors. My symptoms really got on top of me over the past two weeks. It went fine. I was given a low dose of Propanolol to be taken as and when I need it for panic / fast heart rate. I was given a form to fill out for counselling and was told I could possibly be put on anti-depressants also but could probably get by without them with some luck.

I slept fine, and was doing fine and now that night has rolled around again I just feel awful again. I used to be a total night owl, but now I seem to hate night times, to the point where I've been asking my mum and her partner to pick me up and take me to his house. So for about two weeks I've just been spending the evenings in with them at his house, but it's kind of cramped and he always has people around (plus he smokes a lot indoors and I hate coming home smelling of smoke.) We hope to be all moved elsewhere and all living together by the end of the year, I don't know how to feel about that but I don't really have much say in any of it.

I just feel empty... All those years I suffered silently and then I finally opened up about it and I just feel defeated somehow. My step dad tells me over the phone I should probably avoid going down the antidepressants route, and meanwhile my mum seems wary about the idea of counselling (and I guess to prove how... out of touch we are she seemed overall surprised that I had to go to a doctor at all, even after all the crap we've been through over the past few years.. and even after she, herself is prescribed meds and went to counselling.)

So my only solution for now is a small dose of Propanolol? I don't know what to make of anything right now? I don't know what my next step is. I hate the idea of counselling because it means opening up and talking to somebody. But I also don't like the idea of antidepressants for the fear it'd make me feel ten times worse and then possibly has me acting on my suicidal thoughts.

I simply feel like I have no support system. My mum is never home. My step dad is in still in prison. I have no friends anymore, and it's now been over six months since my closest friend decided to just cut me off with no warning (which still hurts like hell, as I miss him and think of him every day). My brother doesn't know anything (he assumed I'd been prescribed the Propanolol for tachycardia). My grandparents don't know (and really I don't think I want them knowing..)

I've barely been eating recently and I just sat and cried to myself for a good ten minutes just now.

My life has literally been the same for four years now, same old crap every day, gradually feeling worse. Every day is just an effort to find distractions from the anxiety and the self hate and thoughts about dying. I used to be so good at just getting on with it, at least I actually used to do some things here and there... Now I'm just forever cooped up indoors, alone with all this nonsense in my head. If I go for the counselling it will likely be weeks/months before I end up seeing somebody (and I'm pretty sure the counselling lasts for six weeks and then they give you the boot and send you on your way? That pretty much happened with my mum) :/

[Olanik]

Wow, I can relate so much to you :/ I have been going through similar stuff since about 2012 (the year when I started living on my own) I don't go out much and I don't have friends in this town I live in.

I am past those nasty thoughts, but my depression and anxiety is definitely still with me. I learned not to care about what others think of me and that made me feel better about some stuff, but I still need to overcome my fear of talking to people. I really dislike going to clubs and pubs or crowded places.

I'm 24 and I feel like it's time to start doing something to change things around me, I hate this feeling of nothingness.

[totalsciencer]

I went through an updated research which was conducted for young adults that dipicts: If young adults consume enough quantity of fermented food, it can help them to get rid of social anxiety problem.