Anxiety over my anxious Teenager

[Henson1980]

Hi,

I'm new to this site and was looking for some helpful advice.

My 14yr old son is a terrible worrier and always has been as far back as I can remember, he use to cry going to school thinking we might not pick him up, (there was never an occassion where we didnt pick him up so there was no reason for him to think this - he is fine going to school now but a little anxious going back after a long half term), then as he grew up it would be worrying about different things such as something he had seen on the news, for example potential terrorist attacks in the UK, or worrying about getting in trouble with the Police even though he hasnt done anything wrong, the good thing is he talks to me about it and is well aware that his worries are causing him anxiety, however, despite constant reassurance he will still go away and ponder on the thing that is worrying him at the time. The school have recognised that he could so with some form of therapy to try and aid him with the correct tools to cope with this, so for the first time this week he saw a lady from the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Unit that comes into the school on a weekly basis, he said he felt it helped and will be seeing her again in the next week or so, which is great, the problem is I have a history of anxiety, I have had it under control without the need for medication for a good few years now, but every time my son goes through this period of worry, my own anxiety goes through the roof, I cant help but be worried sick about him, I feel guilty thinking that this is all because of me and I have obviously transfered this dreadful illness onto him, I feel like I want to ask him a million questions to reassure myself that he's ok (just like what he does to me when he worries) but I cant, im the adult right? so my job is to be the calm one and not let him see my fears and worries, I do a pretty good job of putting on a brave face in front of him but inside and want to crumble!! My fears are that he will always be like this, he is only young, I want him to have fun, be worry free and live life to the full, he has lots of friends at school but outside of school he doesnt really socialize, there are no kids his age where we live and we live quite away from the school so his mates cant come and knock, I have even contempleted moving back to where I originally lived near the school to encourage him to go out more and in the hope that his friends will come and knock and get him to go out. I think to much time on his own is making him dwell on negative thoughts but Im at a loss at what to do! I'd like to think that the fact he is aware of what he is like and that he can talk to me that we are in a good position to fight this, he has stayed off his playstation for the last week and decided to read some books instead, so he does try to manage his anxiety which I think is half the battle. Am I just over worrying, should I worry less and just develop a 'take one day at a time' approach instead of worrying about the future????!!! :shrug:

[Crystalhiggs]

Hi There, it is a worry but you know just as you have found coping strategies he will too! Is he an only child? I've read this with interest as I have a son aged 10 who is also a worrier, mainly at bedtime. I do think that having friends around is important and after school activities. My son is passionate about football and that keeps him occupied most of the time but it's bedtime when his fears come out and he finds it hard to switch off.

It's great that your son talks to you and that he has the therapist at school to talk to and by the sound of it together you are doing all the right things.

Can friends not come over after school anyway if there's a parent to drive them or you pick up/drop them home? Moving house sounds a bit extreme but tbh I would do it if it meant my child was happier.

Good luck xx

[Henson1980]

@Crystalhiggs - My son is also passionate about football, trains twice weekly and plays matches at the weekend. I have suggested offering friends to come over but hes not really interested, the way I think he see's it is that he has a whole day at school with his friends, his unwinding/chilling time is when he comes home, he goes to his dads after school as I dont finis work until 5pm so by time I collect him its 6pm. And I agree moving is an extreme option but I would try anything that helps. I think evening time is probably always worse for worrying time especially younger ones, when they are in bed trying to get to sleep they are alone with their thought and have time to think (how do you manage this?), this is my sons problem, he is an over thinker which in turn brings on the worry followed by the anxiety, he has no 'off' switch! And thank you for your comment 'it is a worry but you know just as you have found coping strategies he will too!' I never really thought of it like that!! :D

[Crystalhiggs]

Hi, like you I just try to reassure my son and ask him what he would say to someone else in that situation, so getting him to think about things from a different point of view. He also gets songs going round his head a lot when he's trying to switch off which is a hard one!

Last night I noticed a difference when I put the fan on in his room, as a baby he always liked 'white noise' so I thought it might help and it did, he was out like a light. Sometimes he drifts off with Classic Fm on in the background or radio 4, not really listening to them but the low hum in the background seems to relax him.

We just bought rabbits and he has been enjoying playing with them in his downtime - anything to get him off the playstation! Would a pet help your son? I know you said you work and he's a bit older anyway but just a thought.

Also, would our son like to move nearer school? If so I guess it's definitely something to think about!

Not sure if any of that helps, but always good to know you're not alone and people understand! X

[Henson1980]

Definetly, I have never posted on a forum before but im fed up with being alone with my worries, doesnt help that im a worrier too! My son has a fan in his room, his problem is his mobile phone, I need to take it off him when he goes to bed so he's not sneakily using it! We have 2 cats one which has just had kittens which has been nice for him, he really wants a dog but I know the cats would go crazy, tough one because I would get one if that wasnt the case, walking it would get him out in the fresh air!!

[Crystalhiggs]

Yes gadgets are a problem I think! I guess at 14 you don't really know what they're looking at either. I've yet to reach that hurdle!

I'm a worrier too and I know how hard it is to try not to pass that down but I think it's unavoidable sometimes, we're only human. :)

The fact that he has a caring mum and a secure home base will stand him in good stead for the future, easier said than done but try not to worry. He talks and he has support, he won't go far wrong. :)

[pulisa]

That's really good advice from Crystal. You are obviously doing all the right things and the most important thing is you care and have a loving relationship with your son-so many parents just don't give a damn and don't have a clue about their children's anxieties.

The input from the CAMHS lady sounds promising. I think she would flag up any potential serious concerns for further monitoring. Some children are just more sensitive/anxiety-prone-they are often the more intelligent, kind and generally "nice" children who are a credit to their parents.

As for his interest in football, that's a great distraction and really good for him from all angles.

[Henson1980]

Thank you Crystal, your comments have been really helpful and reassuring, I think I just need to believe that what my son and I are both doing to help combat this will eventually pay off and will be a useful tool for him in the future!!
@Pulisa - Thank you, I cant imagine not giving a damn about how he is feeling, makes me sad to think that there are parents out there like that while their child suffers alone without any support, although having said that my parents are very caring but never really caught on that I too was a worrier, they know now of course, I just got on with it, maybe if it had been recognised then I could have developed better coping strategies, such is life, anyway, its Friday, this always gives me something to be happy about!! :D:yahoo: Thanks Ladies have a nice weekend :yesyes:

[MyNameIsTerry]

I feel guilty thinking that this is all because of me and I have obviously transfered this dreadful illness onto him,

Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:

First off, you sound like a great mum! Just look at the sacrifices you are willing to make for him!

I've done some reading around the issue of genetics recently after seeing an article about mental health so I wanted to respond to this point because you need to stop beating yourself up about it.

Whilst we are anxious (as in anxiety disorders) it was talking about how our genes alter inline with this new lifestyle via a process called methylation. Methylation is happening billions of times a second within, we can't live with out. It said that if we create the right environment for methylation to tilt in favour of anxiety, we can activate a dormant gene. This adverse environment is said to occur when we don't live healthy lifestyles e.g. good diet, exercise, low stress, certain B vitamins (B12 was mentioned), magnesium, etc. Basically, all the things we are told to do to recover from anxiety disorders or live healthy lives.

Some further reading, which must have been online science articles, mentioned how a gene has a certain period of time after recovery from something like an anxiety disorder before it fully changes back to what it was before. At this point, any genes you pass on will not reflect a negative state like this.

So, it is possible to pass genes on for things but everything I have read from various sources stated that genes are mere blueprints and not constants when it comes to things like this and we could pass one on and it never is activated during the lifetime of offspring. Its not just about genes, even if you did pass something on it still needs something to activate it.

This is covered in an area of science known as epigenetics. This area has been heavily studied under cancer research and explains why cells switch to "on" positions to trigger certain cancers yet it still needs something to make that happen. The fact such a well funded area has studied gives me confidence in their findings as well as the fact they are now starting produce medications to use methylation to avoid using chemo/radiation with a couple coming onto the market.

So, please don't think you must have passed this on and thats all it is. Without things to make it activate, the science seems to state it wouldn't.

Another things to consider is that if something activates it, couldn't it cause an anxiety disorder anyway in someone without a predisposition? I'm saying this because you need to know its not your fault. Many people will a very standard upbringing still get anxiety disorders, its just this fast paced rat race we are brought up in. Despite a parents best efforts, we can still find ourselves under lots of different pressures and end up like this.

So, please put this one out of your mind because whatever it is, you can't change it. The emphasis needs to be on understanding why he feels the way he does (and not always needing that in some cases where learning to handle things better is all someone needs) and on recovery.

I think one important factor is too look at self confidence in young people. If this is suffering, it holds them back and they don't develop other areas (self worth, self esteem) to the higher levels that someone with confidence does.

So, if this is an area of issue or even just where improvement would help his anxiety, what can be done to handle this? He likes sport, which is an excellent sign. So, how about other sports, preferably with social interaction, that work on this e.g. martial arts, other team sports, etc? Things with a sense of achievement might also be a bonus.

I would also encourage you to read about Cognitive Distortions. We learn these in CBT (if we have a good therapist!) and they explain how our negative thinking styles cloud our evaluation of situations and lead to further negative thinking. If you punch it into Wiki, you will find an accurate description of them, with examples.

Another useful tool is Thought Records. These can be combined with Cognitive Distortions too. A TR basically gets you to write it down with its evidence of truth and then counter it. This is useful because it gets you thinking about things you would not entertain in your head. You could also help train him to do this by doing them with him (the terrorist ones or police are ideal for this).

Then look at the list of distortions and get him working through his negative thoughts & negative evidence and marking out where each distortion is. This will show him further why he is evaluating things wrong.

You can easily combine the two as well so that your TR's positive side ends up tackling the distortions too to make it more comprehensive.

Another important issue for TR's and distortions is use of language. I would encourage you to read Davit's "Words" threads on the Panic board which explains all of this. This is important when using TR's because you need to use positive language or you ste yourself up for failure. For instance, "Should" is a negative because it implies you have no choice hence it adds pressure. In CBT you are taught to use something like "Could" because it implies choice.

I'm thinking by doing this you both benefit. You could do this yourself or at a minimum it will help you understand how he is feeling and help him work through it so you have peace of mind.

Reassurance can be bad. The above wouldn't be reassurance, it would be a positive strategy. Reassurance is only bad when it becomes ritualistic so that you seek it, just like in HA or OCD. This then reinforces an anxiety disorder as you see it as your way to reduce anxiety.

Doing something positive like TR's can mean you can give reassurance to yourself or if you did them with him you could give him this reassurance through steering him in the right direction until he can do it without you.

Does that make sense?

I would also look at core beliefs. Davit has a thread about this too and some of if have added links to workbooks that I could encourage you to read. These again are from CBT and reputable sources. At his age he will will building these so they will be easier to adjust now or create whole new ones going forward.

Core beliefs also drive our thinking and can keep us in negative cycles. Getting to the root belief is very important, the thread explains this.

So, perhaps a bit of positive homework for hom there?

You can find a whole range of tools, like TR's, on this website:

http://psychology.tools/download-therapy-worksheets.html

Keep an eye out for the negative patterns of anxiety disorders e.g. withdrawing, avoidance, etc. If he started withdrawing from his footie & mates and ended up gaming all the time, for instance.

If he can't have a dog, could he do something at a dog's home? The charity ones usually need help walking them. They might be able to help out there and you find people with mental health problems at them. With him being a child, I'm not sure if it is appropriate (I'm not a parent) but I thought it worth a mention as he seems to like animals.

[Henson1980]

Thank you for your very detailed post, sounds like very good advice to me, I will be sure to download some of the work sheets and go through them with him!! :D