i feel crazy because of my thoughts

[char123]

Hi,
It sounds stupid but lately I have thought that I might 'want' to kill someone like my family or friends. It's just thoughts that I have which started because the other day I had a thought sort of like a dream of my friend being killed. I know, I feel crazy because of this. But the thing was that it didnt make me feel scared or anxious so I was questioning whether I actually 'wanted it to happen'. So then since then I've been afraid that I 'want' to kill someone . I'm so scared that it is true and I wouldn't be able to help it. I love my family and friends and I wouldn't do it, I hope I wouldn't anyway.
Also, recently I read Gone Girl ( no spoilers) but one of the characters is a sociopath and is able to change personalities. I know it sounds stupid but I am afraid that I'm like that and I'm just telling myself what I want to hear which is that I'm 'afraid of my thoughts'. What if I actually want to kill someone I love? I really don't think that I want to harm anyone and now I feel weird around my family like I might harm them. I feel really anxious about this so please be nice in your replies.
Also, I'm so tired of this. I keep alternating between thinking I'm crazy to thinking I have a physical serious illness . How can I make it stop? I can't relax, because if I spend time doing nothing I find something to be anxious about. I overthink which is what I am doing now, jumping to conclusions and making myself feel like I'm a psycho. Hopefully this thought will pass quickly like the others did, please help me.
Thanks, please be nice in your comments because I freak out easily as you can see. Please reply as soon as possible. Thanks

[MyNameIsTerry]

These are intrusive thoughts. Harm-based intrusive thoughts are a well known element of Pure O in OCD. I've had them myself for a time, combined with various rituals, but I have resolved them now.

You aren't psychotic, you love your family and you are questioning why you are having these thoughts, what they mean and what they say about you that you could contemplate them. But its irrelevent because they are not a measure of anything. You are not your thoughts and these intrusive thoughts cannot lead to actions because they are being sent to you by your subconscious for a decision to be made as to what to do. So, your cognitive mind makes the decision and as you love your family and are a good person, you won't entertain ever acting on them.

Interaction in anyway with intrusive thoughts reinforces them. Don't analyse them, don't draw them out by interacting with them and don't react to them. The areas of the brain that look for such reactions look for emotional responses, the stronger the better. So, if you react with anxiety, guilt, shame, etc then it tells the subconscious that the thoughts it sent are "valid". Note I said valid, not correct. Also, if you react by trying to push them away, you reinforce them too as proven in some clinical studies.

The best way to deal with them is to be non judgemental and don't react. This way your subconscious gets no feedback and overtime will start to send them less. The frequency and intensity will reduce greatly. You can't completely stop intrusive thoughts since studies have shown all people experience them, its just they don't realise. So, don't attach a negative target by stating you want them gone 100% as this will make it harder. Eventually if you are non judgemental and don't react, you will find they come occasionally and just flash through without reaction.

This is how I learned to stop mine. I learnt Mindfulness which taught me how to observe my thoughts and not interact with them.

Thinking you are crazy is something we all tend to go through. This anxiety stuff is so irrational we are all bound to think we are losing our minds at some point. I did, especially when my OCD went full blown! I learnt about my OCD and I accepted I was going crazy at all and this did help a bit.

If you perform rituals, whether physical or mental, then this is more a OCD thing. There are forms of Pure O OCD where people fear they are developing a serious psychiatric condition such as schizophrenia.

The physical illness issue could be OCD or it could be more along the lines of one of the Somatoform disorders or it could just be part of GAD. You have to know more about all the issues you have to rule things out between the disorders, but its still going to be anxiety eitherway.

---------- Post added at 09:31 ---------- Previous post was at 08:52 ----------

Another reinforcement, which you will likely be well familiar with, is avoidance. This sends a further reinforcement as mentioned above when trying to push thoughts away. If you avoid your family due to these thoughts, your subconscious will take that as a signal to pair the thought with that scenario (something Davit could explain mugh better than I could!)

[Oosh]

Hi,
It sounds stupid but lately I have thought that I might 'want' to kill someone like my family or friends.

A suggestion.


I was questioning whether I actually 'wanted it to happen'.

Doubting yourself.


I'm so scared that it is true and I wouldn't be able to help it.

Fear of loss of control.

= a very typical route to feeling panic/anxiety.

Now the suggestion IS ridiculous but its followed by the doubt which triggers the panic.
Remove the doubt. What do you REALLY feel about your family and friends ?
Picture them in harms way, these people who have cared for you like they have. If they were in harms way you'd throw yourself in the way of danger in a second wouldn't you. Visualise these scenarios and feel your true feelings about them and wanting to prevent them from being hurt.

Your imagination and suggestions are your own.
This is what I do when those kind of suggestions enter my head which leaves me able to conclude "that's how I REALLY feel about them" which relieves me of the doubt and clears me of the negative meaning the suggestion would say about me. Instead I'm left seeing the truth being that I'm a good person and I'd be the one throwing myself in the way of danger to help them.

See the suggestion for what it really is, just one of a trillion suggestions that could pop into your head at any point in any day.
Now when you get used to moving these tricky suggestions on their way you SEE this quite clearly because harmless suggestions like "what if I quit my job and became a tightrope walker" pass through your mind as nonsense in an instant. But the ones that scare you stick around because they've created fear and doubt. So when you dismantle the fear and doubt and see it pass through harmless like the others you see it for what it WAS, simply another suggestion.

Don't fear that you are not in control. You are absolutely, without doubt in control.
You can see from the above that you care about your people a great deal and the only actions you'd ever take would be protecting them from any harm. (Don't doubt ! If you hear that doubting voice, recognise and dismiss it)
Your mind and imagination are your own. If scary things pop in there you can replace them with anything you want to change the way you feel.

Dismantle this mechanism by recognising it's pieces. When you can see what it is you can also see what it's not and the doubt and fear lose their power and the daft, annoying suggestion can pass through like all of the others.

To me now these are simply suggestions and I find them very easy to dismiss.
That's because I have no doubt.
I have no doubt because I know what it really is.

The images etc can still be shocking when they flash through your mind. They're suggestions after all and will always be there. But I dismiss or counter them and take their power away instantly and they just float off behind me with the other junk.