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dulede
13-06-15, 10:41
Hi Everyone,

Please excuse me for the following being long but I have been writing things now for the best part of 10 hours including through the night.

I have been on DLA (middle care lower mobility) for probably 7 years and ESA support group since it started (incapacity benefit before that). My wife is my carer as I suffer with pathological jealousy(PJ) which has proved to be destructive and dangerous in the past.

My wife due to feeling her life to be in danger from myself has stabbed me when I have attacked her due to my PJ. I have at the early stages of my illnesses had to attend hospital 5 times over a couple of months for this reason and on one occasion she had to attend for her own injury.

Since then, knowing that one of us would end up dead, we have adjusted our lives so that we are always together. I mean we are constantly together as being apart would put too many possibilities into my mind and I would be highly likely - basically guaranteed - to be aggressive and violent as my mind can't rest with doubts. It has taken a lot for my wife to accept the situation we are in and adapt her life to fit the illness I have but she knows that I am too antagonistic and dangerous otherwise.

I can't go for a walk or do anything else apart from her as my doubts or paranoia if you will, would consume me and I wouldn't have any control of myself. I don't like social engagement with others as I am always suspicious of all men, regardless of age or looks, and other things in life are of little importance because of the focus I have on my wife and what she is doing. I used to go to the toilet with her in our own house but things over the years have improved slightly but not much. I am still tied to her and she to me by my illness. I know I am a risk in such circumstances as mentioned above so my wife has to be with me. She is therefore like a set of crutches or a guide dog I cannot function without her.

PIP has just been returned to me as declined and with 0 points. As said I have always been in ESA Support group as the regulations for that apply as below:

Regulation 29 and 35 of ESA which basically covers my condition in so far as:
"(a)the claimant suffers from some specific disease or bodily or mental disablement; and"
"(b) by reasons of such disease or disablement, there would be a substantial risk to the mental
or physical health of any person if the claimant were found not to have limited capability for
work-related activity."

As such I cannot do things as you would normally unless my wife is with me. In other words my wife has as much a bearing on my life as anything else. I can't focus on anything if my wife has managed to leave the house without me. I simply have to locate her and bring her home. It sounds bad and it is but normally we have an understanding and she accommodates my need for her to be with me at all times. But I don't go anywhere without her. I am physically capable of a lot of things but if you can't do them because of the mental trauma it causes then you can't do them. I can't decide to pop up town or to the park and I can't let her do the same. Everything has to be done together.

When our troubles first occurred the wife went through women's refuge and stayed with her uncle. While I couldn't get to her I didn't eat or drink and didn't go home. My mother had to go around our house to collect our ten year old son to look after him. I basically didn't go home for a week as I was monitoring where she was and waiting to see her come out. I ended up completely dehydrated and a right state. She actually felt sorry for me due to the condition I was in when she came back to me. I know I'd be the same again so she is essential to me like air is. I can't and don't want to survive without her but know that if I am not with her my PJ takes over and I am extremely dangerous. How can they the DWP decision maker completely overlook my need for her to be with me to function at all.

I know many of you reading will not like me due to the writing above but I am not looking for condemnation as I already feel that for myself. I need to understand how the PIP health professional and decision maker have come to this conclusion. My wife knows if I'm welling up with anger or a mood swing is coming and she can control me when I can't. What can I do regarding this. All help is welcome. Apologies for someone like me being on here.

Thank you.

helpneeded
03-08-15, 10:42
I hope she leaves you. You are nothing but an abuser. and they all feel the same as you. she will be so depressed scared and trapped you think she is happy being controlled by you ? YOUR OWN WIFE IS SCARED OF YOU. obecause your get 0 points being a jealous dangerous abuser is not worth pip. you need to let her go . your so selfish. you don't care what this is doing to her mental health. not allowed to have friends. not allowed to have anyone. what a horrible existence and your causing this. disgusting. I hope she leaves you the first opportunity she gets before you kill her. You have been physicalLy abusive to your wiFE who your supposed to.love there is no excuse for. This. your.poor wife is living in fear every single day. You are selfish and you don't care about her because. If you did you would stop thinking of your self and let her go. no.one can live there life like this forever. and at this rate she will end up committing suicide because an existence like this is not living. I hope that proud of your self. If you loved her you'd put her first. and except feeling like shit and allow her to.live her life. youl be done for.murder in no time. disgusting.

---------- Post added at 10:42 ---------- Previous post was at 10:31 ----------

Do you think your the first person who subjects his wife to domestic violence to feel exactly how you do? your funny to think anyone will accept this. admit the truth there are thousand abusers exactly like you who won't let there wifes out of there site. They don't deserve pip either. she is a human being. she left you and you couldn't even respect that she is her own person. You continued to stalk her out till she felt bullied she was scared for her life she had to.come back. how can you live with your self. knowing the person you love is so scared of you. I hope your son doesn't live with you because he will have such severe mental health problems. You didn't even care about your son. your so selfish you didn't give a crap about him you just left him so you can go stalking your wife out . You better wake up and realise your just an abuser like the rest and let her go.

23fish
03-08-15, 23:57
Helpneeded, your post is very harsh and judgemental.
Dulede, have you sought help for your condition? There must be something that will help you and in turn help your wife. Have you always suffered with this? If not, there must be a way back. I hope you find it.

AlexandriaUK
04-08-15, 00:13
I can't understand what criteria you would be given pip for, it doesn't sound like a mental health issue as such as its more a control issue aimed at your wife/partner.
Not meaning to be accusatory just my thoughts, I gret DLA for RA UC and two or three other ailments but was always told my anxiety and panic disorder weren't taken into consideration.

helpneeded
04-08-15, 02:05
Helpneeded, your post is very harsh and judgemental.
Dulede, have you sought help for your condition? There must be something that will help you and in turn help your wife. Have you always suffered with this? If not, there must be a way back. I hope you find it.

harsh and judgemental are you crazy this man has physically battered his wife and had her in a ne for her injurys. I've been this woman. she is going to commit suicide because no one can live in fear like this for the rest of rhere life. He is an abusive man. that is it. He threatens her with violence. she is forced to never leave his side and when she does he tracks her down and brings her home when she left he left the son and stalked her out till she was forced to come home. If he doesn't get his way he is dangerous. This women is living in hell and all he is concerned about is him self. I don't want to hear it about me being harsh you have no clue what this poor woman is sufreeing. he doesn't want help. He told his wife he would be exactly the same when she comes home. why would he change when his wife is scared out or her skin and is accepting this because she is scared for her life. that poor 10 year old is in this. If he wanted help he would have sought help. but he doesn't this is not a mental illness this is a classic abusive man. so keep your comment about me being harsh to yourself.

---------- Post added at 02:05 ---------- Previous post was at 02:03 ----------

judgmental damn right im judging a man who abuses hos wife. get a grip. she chose to leave. and because she was scared about his violence and him stalking her out she had to come home. I'd hate to be with someone who stays with me because rhere scared of me. she doesn't want to spend all that time with him but has no choice.

he isn't on esa. Because they think his abuse is a mental health problem. They have him on esa because of his violence. They don't want him beinf violent to anyone.

blue moon
04-08-15, 02:11
It sounds like you have been in the same situation,or do you know this person?

MyNameIsTerry
04-08-15, 04:38
Helpneeded, your post is very harsh and judgemental.
Dulede, have you sought help for your condition? There must be something that will help you and in turn help your wife. Have you always suffered with this? If not, there must be a way back. I hope you find it.

Domestics can very complicated issues so until you see a lot of facts I'm always very wary. I've had a couple living next to me for a time that were equally violent and seen women running after men who had threatened to harm them.

There seems to be a serious psychiatric condition in play here too and some things that show the authorities are involved e.g. a stab wound would have been reported & investigated, DLA has been awarded so there must be medical evidence, etc.

The trouble with being judgemental about these cases is you could apply it to a woman who left a 10 year old child with a violent man who she knew would be triggered by her leaving. Some would judge her harshly for that but there could be a very good reason and her mental state could play a part too. She also returns and some could easily judge her harshly for that and say she doesn't need to be there but is it that simple?

For all we know off this thread he could have suffered some form of physical or mental trauma that had led to this. It does happen. That's the problem with judging. He seems to understand he is doing it and some of the violent people I've known wouldn't have any remorse until they needed to use it to reduce a sentence.

I don't think this thread is one for NMP really.

HelpNeeded - you mentioned having suffered abuse briefly. I hope you are safe and can rebuild your life. There have been a couple of women on here who have been through it but they have left now. But hopefully you can get support & help for anxiety, if that is what you have joined for?

23fish
05-08-15, 01:56
My comment was, as Terry picked up, to say that we don't know the full situation so we can't make judgements. Domestic violence is NEVER acceptable, but at the same time people do not choose to behave in this way, and we don't know what has happened to make D like this. The fact that he is posting at all is a sign that he recognises how dangerous his situation is. Hopefully his wife will find the strength to do what is right for her and their son, and he will seek support as a matter of urgency.
Helpneeded - you have clearly had some awful experiences, and I understand why my comments made you so angry. I hope you are now in a safe and happier place.