Another sufferer

[thisisnotwhoiam]

Hi,

I've discovered that I have emotions a few years ago when panic hit really hard with a lot of somatic symptoms and fears. Battled through it with medication, therapy and friends, left my therapist when he became a dick.

Now experiencing a new breakdown upon trying to quit my meds. No panic, but loooots of crying (like in my childhood when I did not know I had emotions and they matter) -> more meds, scared shitless because I have big codependency issues and don't want to ruin all my relationships over this super crazy phase when i am feeling very crazy and need a lot of support and reassurance. I'm also in thi position of being taken care for at least once a year due to recurrent orthopedic issues (slipped disk), so I'm just super tired of being ill and get really frustrated when this happens again and again in a new way that I have no mechanisms of coping with. I write about it in a Word Document and think up comics about, but don't draw them because meds make me too sleepy and by the time I get to it the day is over.

I feel like some terrible secret has been kept from me my entire life and now reality is revealed in its horrific evilness and difficulty and I often feel like I don't even want to try facing it. Suicidality has not been a problem, but I have some thoughts. However, I tend to doubt myself a lot (owing probably to an education in philosophy), so I let myself run through a variety of options and never chose a radically dangeroug one.

:unsure:
yeah.
hi, fellow people.

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya thisisnotwhoiam and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[Davit]

Welcome.

I'm a physical mess. In the last ten years I have logged a total of two in hospital anywhere up to four month at a time. So you are talking to some one who understands.

The fact you are intelligent shows in your post. It can be a disadvantage in that you will have a better than average imagination to feed your anxiety.

Why are you trying to quit your meds without something to replace them with, as in cognitive restructuring, so you don't need them. Being off meds will justify being anxious but it won't cure it. Being on meds and still anxious justifies doing something on top of them so you don't need them.

Which side of codependence are you? Not a condition mentioned here much but very real. Lots of therapists are dicks. Mine fortunately wasn't. But I know some who are.

I hope you find us acceptable and even helpful although some of us can be rather abrupt.
Just our dick side.

[thisisnotwhoiam]

Hey Davit,

Thanks for your sensible post.

I was trying to quit my meds because I thought I was ready, I have not felt panic in 1.5 years and I had already started a journey of healing - meditating more regularly, going to the gym regularly, listening to my feelings more attentively and addressing my issues more concretely. I was quite full of myself in terms of knowing how to recover and of course this breakdown humbled me immensely, showing me a whole new landscape of things to deal with, things I couldn't even have imagined.

In terms of codependence I can do both. I used to take care of people a lot, but then I discovered myself and I became very much that who depends. I really don't think it can really be just one, because for me it is more of an issue of wanting to connect with people soooo intensely that we are basically one organism and, while it has worked for a number of beautiful friendships, they all fell apart and now I see this was because of expectations of care vs reality. So my problem is this: Once I find people I love, how do I not rely on them to provide their undivided attention to me every time I need it? Because I think it's beautiful to care for people and I still care and want care, but life happens to be quite difficult, unpredictable and we really cannot expect people to help us, reassure us, support and nurture as at all times, every time we need it. Basically, I am trying to replace this need of external satisfaction by getting to what need to be satisfied and how much of it I can do alone. I like this definition of codependence: if this person only does this/treats me like this, everything will be right. - the inner thought. I have this when I am ill and my boyfriend doesn't do everything perfectly and doesn't know to do thing A or thing B. And I get angry inside and think he doesn't care for me and he doesn't love me enough or in the right way. I shut down, a feel numb, then I break down and attack him. I become aware of it and I tell him I am just calibrating this - I am just trying to figure out what I want. But I just cannot escape this circle. I cannot just recognize the need and communicate it (if needed), but I go via the fear of abandonment.

Anyway, I write a lot, so this is enough for now. This conference is quite good if you are interested in addiction, co-dependence and awareness. it's more-or less live, so sign up now if you wanna watch the videos: recovery2point0 (dot) com I've been following these two past days and the talks helped me define some of my issues quite a bit.

I am too dizzy to look around the forum, but I am quite sure that most people aren't dicks here. Nor was my therapist. He was clearly experiencing something of his own and just would not be open with me about having developed a dislike and active disinterest towards me. Thus dickishness. Thus I ditched him. A year later, I'm looking for another and discovering how much this is a glass issue here in Germany: it's much easier to find a private therapist who speaks good English and has an interesting background and a perception of equality between patient and therapist than it is to find a gov-funded one of similar skill level. Since I am poor, this is quite a challenge. I've sent about 35 emails last week, but in Germany everything is resolved via phone, so I fail at making appointments so far, because I cannot get out of bed and get to the phone within office hours. It literally takes me the whole day to get there. Well, surely this will get better.

[Davit]

I used to believe no one could do it right so I had to do it. Well that is fine if it is something I'm doing but not if I'm interfering with how they do it. Of course when you go to hospital it can be very frustrating when things are done sloppy or at the wrong time. Oh lord and my home. Nothing was done right. I totally neglected the fact they were doing me a favour and I should be happy. The other side I don't have. I am very independent and seldom ask for help but can if I feel I have something to trade. I have a friend who gets it backwards all the time so I have to direct. He does seem dyslexic though.

I've mellowed though and don't get as excited. I'm not such a perfectionist anymore.

I have to ask now if when I look at something if it is just wrong or functionally wrong. Often it works but is not how I would build it. It is easier if I remind myself that I can no longer do so many things so I have to just accept that is how things are. It is not easy. Last lady I lived with is Bipolar. We did almost everything different. I could not take it any longer. It was not all me, a lot of what she does and how and when is wrong but doesn't look like it to her.

[thisisnotwhoiam]

What are you, GAD? My bf has been diagnosed with bipolar, but I really doubt this diagnosis was correct. He's been not in treatment for ages (trying new pills and quitting super fast, now incapable of even going to therapy or doing small things to feel better). But he seems more motivated now after my breakdown to seek treatment (and I will help him with that).

I've learned a lot from living with him. and oh boy does he do everything wrong. I even have a comic named "everything you do is wrong". He is my absolute main trigger for codependency and the reason I really saw this problem in myself and managed to transform a whole range of behaviors around this. It's problematic though, because at the beginning I used to wake him up, get him out of bed and take him for a walk on bad days, making his bad day a priority for myself... I no longer feel like that's my right or duty and I feel like he will ask me to do so if he wants. But this is not always true. Sometimes that's the only way to help someone - is to push them a little bit towards activity when they feel incapable of it. This is what I loved/hated about hospitals. The day afte rmy spinal surgery the nurse came into the room and told me that I will be taking a shower shortly. I was like, Are you ****in serious? I cannot sit, how will I walk 3 meters to the shower and then stand there??? And you know what, I did. I was dizzy, I had to stop a few times, I was in pain, but I totally took a shower and a little walk around the room. And the next day I talked down the hall. And the next day I went outside. And I hated those nurses and I thoughts everything they were doing was wrong and at the wrong time, but it raised me from the disabled. I really think the issue meant by codependency is the most interesting one.

[Davit]

Bipolar don't do things wrong they do things wrong because they do things different. Bipolar has different degrees, some doesn't need medication just monitoring.

I hated the nurses too. But I pushed myself too and because of that I can walk. The day after having both knees replaced they made me stand and walk 20 feet and back. ( good thing I check spelling, had to back space, I typed **** lol) Next day I walked down the hall. Third day I was climbing stairs so I could go home.

[thisisnotwhoiam]

i don't think there's a way to do things 'wrong' it's just how it appears when you think you know how things should be done - but i'm lucky that this thought only lasts a moment and then i can see that really there isn't a right way of doing things.

[Davit]

Forgot to mention, that I am not GAD. GAD is worry based, I don't worry.

If something is done wrong it soon becomes obvious, the problem comes in being how to stop doing it the wrong way. That is harder because you need a right way first.