Constantly needing reassurance

[Txxxrho]

I talked to this therapist only once but she said something that stuck with me. When going over my problems she said that, " You probably reach out and need people to tell you you're okay." And it shocked me because it's dead on. Like, whether it's waking up in a panic or just normal anxiety.. When I talk to someone it kind of calms me but it's because a problem where it's EVERY night anymore. I need to talk to my mom or someone even though we jest talked about the same thing the night before. I don't know. I was just wondering why I do this? If anyone had any knowledge on it.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It can depend on what forms of anxiety you have.

For instance, if you have OCD then reassurance is a known compulsion/ritual. An example of this would be to seek answers from people. The need to confess is another ritual and this also derives some reassurance.

You will see it quite prominently on the HA board too as its a big feature in Somtoform disorders.

Reassurance is a normal human activity. The issue becomes when you actively need it to stop your anxiety. You feel compelled to seek it out.

However, I think you can go through a stage of this without it becoming a major problem too. I can remember deriving reassurance from reading the stories of others because I felt less alone with all of it. For me, this didn't last and I stopped with it. Whilst its always nice to hear it, it doesn't have the same impact on me thesedays and hasn't done for a long time.

So, if you find yourself seeking reassurance over your anxieties in order to reduce or control them, its a problem. Whilst you continue to do it, you keep your anxiety cycles running as your subconscious will start to associate it with your anxiety.

You will find the members on the HA forum are very aware of this issue as its a major one for them.

Reassurance needs to come from within.

[lindy lou 2]

Hi Terry, I know exactly how you feel, I am the same.
I wake in panic every day ! Heart pounding , stomach churning & don't know what to do with myself, even thought there are so many jobs want doing! I just never get anything done, can't concentrate.
I am on my own all day , until my husband comes home, & he is sick & tired of hearing it, he has enough stress all day, says he just wants his wife back, me tooo !
I want to ring people,but they all have their own lives, wish I had one too !
This is such an isolating illness, people don't know how to deal with it.
Yet to us , it is all consuming, so, I try not to bother them with it.
Unless you have experienced it, it must be hard to understand.
Even when I am with people, I still have inner tremb:weep:ling, I make conversation, but still want to run away, yet I don't want to be on my own, it is hell & makes me feel life is not worth living.
When you are calm, everything is easy to do, when you are constantly anxious everything is hard !
So, I do know how you feel, you have all of my sympathy
If you want to pm me, feel free, perhaps we can encourage each other & swap our stories, take care
Linda.

[ricardo]

Terry

you seem to be a very knowledgeable person and I enjoy reading your comments but I don't think the examples above are as black and white as you imply.

We all seek reassurance especially from our doctors and usually it works for a day and then doubts appear again or we forget to ask something on our endless list whilst we were at the doctors.

[Davit]

Doubt is a very strong core belief.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Terry, I know exactly how you feel, I am the same.
I wake in panic every day ! Heart pounding , stomach churning & don't know what to do with myself, even thought there are so many jobs want doing! I just never get anything done, can't concentrate.
I am on my own all day , until my husband comes home, & he is sick & tired of hearing it, he has enough stress all day, says he just wants his wife back, me tooo !
I want to ring people,but they all have their own lives, wish I had one too !
This is such an isolating illness, people don't know how to deal with it.
Yet to us , it is all consuming, so, I try not to bother them with it.
Unless you have experienced it, it must be hard to understand.
Even when I am with people, I still have inner tremb:weep:ling, I make conversation, but still want to run away, yet I don't want to be on my own, it is hell & makes me feel life is not worth living.
When you are calm, everything is easy to do, when you are constantly anxious everything is hard !
So, I do know how you feel, you have all of my sympathy
If you want to pm me, feel free, perhaps we can encourage each other & swap our stories, take care
Linda.

Thanks Linda & thanks for the offer.

It is all encompassing. You certainly realise just how much people take for granted when you go through something like this.

Its so irrational that people who haven't had it just can't comprehend how someone can change so much and start finding even the most basic of daily chores an absolute nightmare.

Its like going through childhood again to relearn how to do things but with a ton of fear on your back constantly telling you not to risk doing this or that just incase.

Welcome to the forum. You will get loads of support on here and advice on how to recover from this. :welcome:

---------- Post added at 08:58 ---------- Previous post was at 08:54 ----------


Terry

you seem to be a very knowledgeable person and I enjoy reading your comments but I don't think the examples above are as black and white as you imply.

We all seek reassurance especially from our doctors and usually it works for a day and then doubts appear again or we forget to ask something on our endless list whilst we were at the doctors.

Hi Ricardo,

Thanks, I appreciate that.

I agree, its not black & white. I wouldn't claim to understand everything about reassurance because its never really been much of an issue for me so I don't feel that inner pull to chase after it. I only know it from research and getting me head around talking it through with people on here.

It different per disorder, some have it as a feature, some don't and as we both know these disorders can become so intertwined that we have features from several yet not enough to warrant a diagnosis so some people feel an absolute need for it, some can take or leave it and some feel they need it more at certain stages of anxiety and then gain enough inner strength to no longer need it.

[lindy lou 2]

Hi Terry, thanks for replying, I see you post a lot on here.
I am still trying to find my way around on here, when I sent that reply yesterday, I think I got it wrong, someone replied to me saying " I am Tom " so I think I said Terry by mistake, because you had replied to him !!!
I am usually quite an intelligent person, but I feel brain dead with this illness, can't cope with the simplest of things.
You seem to understand exactly how I feel with this anxiety, and as you say, people who don't have it cannot possibly understand.
I get so fed up of people saying, pull yourself together, you can do this, that & the other....... well, I am afraid I can't, in fact, I feel as though I can't get through another day !
Lots of people on here seem to have sleep issues, maybe it is the mirtazapine ( but I am slowly withdrawing, it seems to be giving me joint aches & at the higher dose, my anxiety went through the roof)
But, I have to go to bed early, my husband is up for work at 2.30 or 3 am
most mornings I cannot stay up & disturb him as we are in such a small place, but I cannot wait to go to bed, the anxiety all day long wears me out, I just crave oblivion, I try to read or play a game on the kindle, just to try and re train my brain, but I zonk out pretty quick, then the dreaded morning comes, with all the churning, racing thoughts & feeling weak as a kitten, wanting to do something constructive, but not having the strength/ motivation.
Sorry for such a long post, just trying to get it all out on here, so as not to get on everybody I know's nerves with it

[gregcool]

I went to a day center once for about 3 months every day for people with mental health isues.i found it really helped me to be around others with mental health problems,i could relate to them and them to me.we shared our problems and gave advice from our own experiances..it helps when you are round others going through the same thing..i found when i was at home with my wife,she was fed up with hearing my problems and found it made her feel depressed...its not easy when you live with someone,but feel alone with it all....

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Terry, thanks for replying, I see you post a lot on here.
I am still trying to find my way around on here, when I sent that reply yesterday, I think I got it wrong, someone replied to me saying " I am Tom " so I think I said Terry by mistake, because you had replied to him !!!
I am usually quite an intelligent person, but I feel brain dead with this illness, can't cope with the simplest of things.
You seem to understand exactly how I feel with this anxiety, and as you say, people who don't have it cannot possibly understand.
I get so fed up of people saying, pull yourself together, you can do this, that & the other....... well, I am afraid I can't, in fact, I feel as though I can't get through another day !
Lots of people on here seem to have sleep issues, maybe it is the mirtazapine ( but I am slowly withdrawing, it seems to be giving me joint aches & at the higher dose, my anxiety went through the roof)
But, I have to go to bed early, my husband is up for work at 2.30 or 3 am
most mornings I cannot stay up & disturb him as we are in such a small place, but I cannot wait to go to bed, the anxiety all day long wears me out, I just crave oblivion, I try to read or play a game on the kindle, just to try and re train my brain, but I zonk out pretty quick, then the dreaded morning comes, with all the churning, racing thoughts & feeling weak as a kitten, wanting to do something constructive, but not having the strength/ motivation.
Sorry for such a long post, just trying to get it all out on here, so as not to get on everybody I know's nerves with it

Yes, I thought so but I didn't want to appear rude and not respond to you. :flowers:

I've met some great people on here and I like to post a lot to support them and others who are coming through the experience I had where you don't understand what is happening to you.

You will find everyone on here has their experiences of these disorders and is very understanding & supportive.

I'm not surprised you feel so out of it with the meds you are working to reduce, it can be a hard experience to go through when you have been on them for a while. Take it slow and don't be afraid to tell your doctor if its too harsh as many don't seem to follow the 10% rules that psychiatrists follow.

Don't worry about people saying things like that. They either don't understand hence believe it to be an extension of the stress & low mood they have felt in their lives or simply don't know what to say. I can remember being that way before it hit me and overnight my opinions changed about it all.

I know all to well how you can spend all day anxious and then feel drained from it. Some days you have spurts of anxiety followed by lack of energy and then you repeat the cycle.

Morning anxiety is very common. I have this. I can recall reading something about how cortisol works whilst we are asleep and how that wakes us up. Cortisol is pumped out during fight or flight too with adrenaline so maybe there is something in that? I haven't got to the bottom of it yet though.

Your meds will likely be causing you some of the morning drousiness. Mirt is prescribed "off-label" for insomnia and I've seen people say they feel rough the next day if their dose is a bit higher than needed. Maybe you will notice as you reduce the dose?

I remember reading some parts of a book written by a bipolar doctor for bipolar sufferers (it took a few trips to WHSmith :winks:) that split moods up into a quadrant that included anxiety & depression as well as the upsides. It was interesting because she was advocating knowing which you were in and telling you how to manage it so that you didn't drain yourself and encourage the lows to come back. It was called Mood Mapping. I think there are some lessons in there for managing anxiety & depression for us as we tend to burn out or yo-yo between them too.

[ricardo]

Terry

I will just come out with it:)

Do you have a medical background and have you just studied all aspects of mental health ?

I am genuinely interested as I find each person is always an individual case, sometimes quite complex but the treatment is fairly limited so IMO as hard as it seems it is mainly upto the individual to get better.

I have issues which I have never come across on NMP before. one is this as an example.

I can go into a restaurant, feel quite comfortable, go again and again feel comfortable and then the next time I step into the place and the paic sets in and it increases to such an extent. I then leave and sometimes just go outside,try and compose myself, go bavk in, but it has no effect, so I have to get home ASAP.

I could give you numerous examples which follow the same pattern over 30+ years with or without medication.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Ricardo,

No, nothing at all in health or medicine. Until about 2 years ago, I was as much a newbie to all this as anyone else and had spent the first 7 years relying on my GP. I had CBT and my therapist introduced me to a local charity where they hold walk-in sessions and I learnt some things in there and how talking to others made more sense of my own issues. Then I started hitting the internet, joined NMP about 9 months later and decided because I was in a better place than some people, why not try and help. I spent a lot of time reading threads for months and researching across the internet to read various medical articles, research, expert discussion pieces, etc.

By trade I was a BA. My work meant I had to do a lot of research, pull apart problems and come up with better solutions. A lot of my areas were obscure and Googling wasn't easy to find what I needed to pull together information on rarer scenarios in my field. So, doing this with mental health is similiar, although I would say that the glut of info out there makes it harder and its a very much more complex subject with far more possible outcomes than my previous field, which was a complicated industry, but nothing like medicine.

Thats an interesting example. Why is it that I was very anxious about going into shops, supermarkets, buildings, etc and I spent years doing that almost daily for at least an hour and yet I would still have days after going in the same shop several hundred times without incident and start to feel that pull of panic?

There are lots of possibilities and I'm thinking Davit would be a good person to join this discussin as we are getting into the issue of memory here. For instance, you could have an event in your memory where you felt a certain set of feelings in a part of your body when you were also anxious and these get stored. If you work on the anxiety you may then feel that you are comfortable in that environment. But what happens when you introduce that physical sensation(s) again? The result is the twang of anxiety & panic because you brain has searched for the closest memory and come up with that old panic one.

Is that right, Davit?

I know this has happened to me. I would be in the supermarket for the several hundredth time and something would happen to make me feel a certain set of sensations and then I can feel the anxiety starting off - the need to escape that situation or I might panic in front of other & make a fool of myself or I might be sick or lose control of my bowels (none of which has ever happened, thank god!)

I could be feeling rough before I go in there from lack of sleep or have eaten something that makes me feel a bit off and because those are similiar feelings in my body to the times when I was panicking, I start to get those warning thoughts.

So, what you have to ask yourself is what was different? If you can find something that links back to the times when you were anxious in that situation, you should find the trigger.

Thats from what I know from my own limited knowledge though, I'm not trained to understand from a professional point of view so I can be missing things. I think Davit will be able to explain the above better than I can though.

[ricardo]

Thank you for the lengthy response. It would be interesting to get a viewpoint from Davit.

I also get paranoid when I am anywhere , thinking that whoever walks past me or may even be on the other side of the road, is going to harm me.That could even be someone briefly glancing at me in a restaurant or shop, yet when I am with my wife I am distracted and therefore my paranoid feelings go away.

Having said that, it doesn't answer my original example.

To be honest I find it difficult to express myself properly using the written word as opposed to talking face to face, and therefore what I write may not be fully understood as I haven't explained it very well.

[lindy lou 2]

Thanks for the reply, I am trying to make myself do a bit more today, but I ache all over ! I have a tendency to arthritis, had a hip replacement 5 years ago, but all of a sudden everywhere hurts , knees , other hip , wrist. I read that mirtazapine can cause arthralgia and myalgia, hoping it is mostly the drug, that is why I am weaning ( very slowly ) off it.. Also, I have been doing sooo little exercise for the past 2 years, no interest since I moved to this new bungalow , which just won't feel like home !
Good job my husband doesn't know my log in details, he hates the fact that he made me move, which started all of this off ! So I am now trying chondroitin and apple cider vinegar, and a bit more moving around !
All the best to you
Linda.

[lindy lou 2]

Hi Gregcoool, I have never been offered anything like a day centre, Just a class for belly dancing ! It is difficult for me getting to any appointments, I don't drive & my husband is at work all day, public transport is out of the question at the moment, so my friend has to give me a lift to my psychiatric appts, about every 6 weeks, and that is all about meds! He, like your wife, gets sick of hearing me, it has impacted on him too, so, I bite my tongue now, which is difficult when I have been on my own all day ! But he has to be up so early, truck driving, he is stressed enough.
That is why I have joined NMP.
Regards
Linda.

[Davit]

Linda

I have arthritis, I push even though it hurts because accomplishment is good for anxiety.

[Old 68]

Reading Lindy Lous message,really struck a chord with me.
Could have been me writing it.
I am 68,and had a Stroke 6 years ago.
I suffer from severe anxiety.I wake each day feeling sick with Nerves.
Chores to do,but just seem to sit and think most of the time.
Too much time on my own.Used to walk off any Nerves,but can't do that now.
Feel exhausted,from doing nothing.except worry.