mmm1996
16-06-15, 15:03
Hey :)
So I've been using this forum because I have had a health scare with a breast lump recently. I had my breast clinic appointment yesterday, and before I had it, I promised myself that if it was ok (although I didn't allow myself to think about that being a possibility) I would determinedly try to improve my health anxiety.
The clinic did an examination which found a 'small mobile lump that didn't feel worrying' and the ultrasound found basically nothing but glandular lumpy tissue, and the same consultant who did the examination saw me afterwards and said that everything looked normal. This seemed a huge shock to me and obviously was amazing but now I've got thoughts saying 'what if they missed something? should they have done an MRI scan or more tests? why can they feel a lump but not really see it? do they actually know it's glandular? did they just let me go because it's probably fine, or is it definitely fine?' I hate these thoughts and I truly don't want to have them because everyone around me is telling me to please please please let it go now. The idea of allowing myself to let it go is terrifying. The whole appointment is a blur, I had my mum with me which I'm so glad about because I can't remember half of what was said- I spent half of it crying and I didn't even let them near me with the ultrasound stick for about 15 minutes and kept jerking around, which I feel so ashamed of and pathetic about and worry that this would obstruct the results. I also was in such a panic I forgot to ask them about all the different types of breast pain I've had- which has died down now but still. I started this post about health anxiety but it's now becoming about my breast and I'm starting to feel panicky. Can I really relax? They told me to keep checking and know that this lumpy tissue is normal for me but to obviously come back if anything new appeared as anyone should, and now I'm terrified to check. Should I let it go? Would they have done an MRI if they needed to; are they sure??
I want to go to my GP about my health anxiety and ask if I can have CBT, but I feel I'm wasting their time and I go so often they probably see my name and think 'oh for gods sake'. They are absolutely lovely and never make me feel like I'm wasting their time but I probably am, because the times I've been about anxiety before they haven't been able to do much. I tried counselling last year but I was a real moody teenager about it and didn't engage/ it was maybe not the right counsellor for me, and I gave up after 2 sessions.
Oh, and the most ironic thing? I have a place to start studying children's nursing in september. How can I be a nurse and be the right kind of positive influence that ill children need and deserve, if I'm like this? The whole reason I was absolutely desperate to get into nursing was the fact that I was in and out of hospital with severe scoliosis and a spinal fusion when I was 13. But the health anxiety that that's caused me later in life is now maybe the reason I don't want to.
I hope someone understands and maybe wants to chat about this too, I would really really appreciate it:-(
feeling like a real lost cause!
xx
So I've been using this forum because I have had a health scare with a breast lump recently. I had my breast clinic appointment yesterday, and before I had it, I promised myself that if it was ok (although I didn't allow myself to think about that being a possibility) I would determinedly try to improve my health anxiety.
The clinic did an examination which found a 'small mobile lump that didn't feel worrying' and the ultrasound found basically nothing but glandular lumpy tissue, and the same consultant who did the examination saw me afterwards and said that everything looked normal. This seemed a huge shock to me and obviously was amazing but now I've got thoughts saying 'what if they missed something? should they have done an MRI scan or more tests? why can they feel a lump but not really see it? do they actually know it's glandular? did they just let me go because it's probably fine, or is it definitely fine?' I hate these thoughts and I truly don't want to have them because everyone around me is telling me to please please please let it go now. The idea of allowing myself to let it go is terrifying. The whole appointment is a blur, I had my mum with me which I'm so glad about because I can't remember half of what was said- I spent half of it crying and I didn't even let them near me with the ultrasound stick for about 15 minutes and kept jerking around, which I feel so ashamed of and pathetic about and worry that this would obstruct the results. I also was in such a panic I forgot to ask them about all the different types of breast pain I've had- which has died down now but still. I started this post about health anxiety but it's now becoming about my breast and I'm starting to feel panicky. Can I really relax? They told me to keep checking and know that this lumpy tissue is normal for me but to obviously come back if anything new appeared as anyone should, and now I'm terrified to check. Should I let it go? Would they have done an MRI if they needed to; are they sure??
I want to go to my GP about my health anxiety and ask if I can have CBT, but I feel I'm wasting their time and I go so often they probably see my name and think 'oh for gods sake'. They are absolutely lovely and never make me feel like I'm wasting their time but I probably am, because the times I've been about anxiety before they haven't been able to do much. I tried counselling last year but I was a real moody teenager about it and didn't engage/ it was maybe not the right counsellor for me, and I gave up after 2 sessions.
Oh, and the most ironic thing? I have a place to start studying children's nursing in september. How can I be a nurse and be the right kind of positive influence that ill children need and deserve, if I'm like this? The whole reason I was absolutely desperate to get into nursing was the fact that I was in and out of hospital with severe scoliosis and a spinal fusion when I was 13. But the health anxiety that that's caused me later in life is now maybe the reason I don't want to.
I hope someone understands and maybe wants to chat about this too, I would really really appreciate it:-(
feeling like a real lost cause!
xx