Anxiety? PND? or just irrational

[Curious83]

Hi, after some advice... This may seem a bit jumbled in thought so bare with me. Firstly I am married (5years from 7yr relationship) and 6mth old ...emotions and feelings run back before pregnancy just seems worse.

For ages I know I have had low self esteem and know I desperately try to seek approval and acceptance, I know where it all stems from through some therapy sessions. Those sessions helped to 'get it off my chest' but also was a realisation of how 'Pathetic' I am (I know I am not just feels that way) but as paid I couldn't afford to keep going to get self help skills.

I have never been good at making and keeping friends and never had a real close friend that I could just pick up the phone to. This in its self makes me feel extremely low and pathetic.

My problem is when I meet someone whom I really enjoy their company, I know I come on a bit strong and needlessly desperate. There is a couple I have become quite attached to and they are absolutely lovely...but as their company grows their spare time disappears. I do some volunteer work for the company and some paid bits and bobs but rarely do I get to see them, usually I do at youth church, but they have a million things to do whilst their, and of course their priority is the youth.

This is where I really struggle. I can't seem to handle the fact that they never have time for even a half hour coffee or chat.
the rational side of me totally understands they don't have time; running a business, family and youth church...but the irrational part of me questions why am I so horrible that they cant make an effort to spend time with me, that what they tell me (a wonderful person that they love dearly...which I do believe) is a lie to keep me quiet, to feed my need for acceptance.

typical week; I send a cheerful text "hey how are you? Good weekend?" (standard greeting text right?) so I dint really expect much during the day of a reply, but when it gets to 10pm, and this is where social media ruins lives, and I know they have read my message, been on their phone numerous times...yes because I check date stamps, same time as other people...yes because I obsess and check that too, and still don't even get a 2second response...then I start on a spiral down. Do they hate me? What did I do?....no come on they are just busy, prob still doing work stuff!...but why are the date stamps the same as that person? ...its just coincidence!...but its too often to just be coincidence!! They hate me!, I mean nothing to them if they can't just respond..... 2am checking phone, still nothing...of course they are asleep!! This has brought me to complete irrational tears that have made me wonder would I just be better off if I didn't exist (I am strong enough to not do anything and to know the consequence of anything stupid will cost my baby girl and my marriage) so then these tears become anger at them then at myself

...etc etc all playing in my head, rational battling irrational.

Then another day, they will ring me out of the blue on way to client just for a chat....that's a good day!!!

so my question is what is going on in my head?! I seem pretty hung up on this particular person...I have complete rational sense of other 'friendships' involved in the same group (apart from odd occasion, where whenever I ask if they are free or when are they free, its almost impossible.)

I have been asked if its PND but quite honestly ive been in this situation before pregnancy with other people. Ive been to doctors and cried giving them the condensed version of I feel lonely and useless, completed the 'depression questionnaire' to be told, your score isn't high enough for us to do anything....well its clearly effecting me so maybe some help...hence why I did paid therapy.

I am not sure if any of that makes sense, but I desperately need help to handle the 'rejection' on a daily basis.

help :-(

[Oosh]

Hiya

Welcome to the site !

I think because you've "never had a friend you can pick up the phone to..." Etc that you have a deep insecurity about yourself in this area. It would also mean rejection would be extra painful for you as it hammers home this, what you feel is a, painful truth that you are unlovable/unlikeable/incapable of deserving friendship etc etc

Weary of rejection you then occasionally find people who do seem nice and trustworthy and show you positive attention and you get a massive shot to your reward systems as it gives you that human connection you feel you need to disprove your belief that you are the above insecurities.
But in order for it to feed that in you you need it in abundance like constant reassurance that they do like/want your friendship this disproving your fears and insecurities for you.

But then the attention doesn't come, for perfectly valid reasons like with these youth worker people who have to retain a particular type of relationship with you. Their role means they are probably givers but they also have to exercise distance in certain scenarios, but not because they don't like people, but because its appropriate.
You take this as a rejection and confirmation that your insecurities and fears about yourself being incapable of friendship/love are true - "I am incapable of friendship. Nobody wants me. I'm worthless" and all of those other soul destroying beliefs.

Feeling like this is normal for somebody who has "never had a friend to chat to on the phone" etc
Those insecurities would build up. Self esteem WOULD plummet. Negative evidence WOULD confirm everything you fear about yourself on a daily basis.

But that still doesn't mean to say your insecurities and fears about yourself are true. You just have a shortage of positive experiences/evidence showing you they aren't true.
Unfortunately you need some positive relationships to give you those positive, belief changing, experiences. And that's the difficulty.
You fear rejection and you have all of this insecurity and low self esteem. That will be there trying to sabotage your efforts at making successful friendships that aren't based on you just constantly trying to feed your need for reassurance that you aren't those negative things.

I think you've got to get your self esteem back and entertain the idea that you do have worth. You have quality friendship that YOU can give others. It's a thing of high value that you can GIVE to others.
It's of high value because those others need friendship stuff too.
They need the friend on the other end of the phone to listen and care. They need someone to cheer them up.
They need a nice, strong, genuine, trustworthy person like you.
You like to laugh. You like fun stuff. You have lots of empathy.
Build it up like that. Focus on what you ARE that is positive. What you can give to others who need it.

Then find those suitable people who will welcome your quality friendship. Respond to some posters from here in the pen pal section and make some friends that way. See if there are any meet ups near you in any capacity, whether it be on nmp or in some other setting like baby groups in you area.
Find the people who will welcome your friendship.

You need to exercise repetition with this and move away from listening to those insecurities sabotage you. Create a new thinking style. It'll come with repetition and the support of positive evidence. Don't let that insecure voice get any attention any more. Push it out. Shush it. Just silence it before it gets a foothold in your thoughts and move in a more positive balanced direction.

This is all only a theory by the way based on what I have to go on. Apologies if I've got things wrong there.
:)

[Curious83]

oosh, thank you for your response. You have understood entirely, except the youth workers...i work with them in their business and i am support staff, through church got into volunteering to do it, so its not an innapropriate friendship, but understood where you were coming from. I do occassionaly (but rarely) have one to one time with them, but its more negative output than positive, but I do honestly understand it is just because they are sooo busy, I just don't know how to handle it. Like this weekend, I have asked 5ppl if they are free any point for today, and no one is...when you get to the third 'rejection' that's hard, but the 5th! :-(
I have tried baby groups but everyone is already in their little clicks, because I am doing freelance work I cannot really commit to anything regular to see the same people....but they have friends outside of group anyways.

I just want to know any ways I can cope with the moments of rejection.

[Oosh]

To handle the PERCEIVED rejection ?

Is it really rejection when people are already in cliques, when people already have the friends they need or your unique working hours prove an obstacle to making quality new friendships ?

It's just a fact of life that without a social network you grew up and into its hard to make new quality friendships, especially if you aren't particularly outgoing and have very low confidence.

I think you see it in a more balanced, realistic way. These people are simply unsuitable, for all sorts of reasons. I mean these five people you asked, who were they and what are their reasons for declining your offer ?
Are you close to them in that environment already ? The friendship , i imagine, would start in that environment and then naturally extend to out of that environment too. There's a way these things are done and like it or not we have to be realistic about things and go about things in the right way.
If your relationship isn't particularly close to them there then it's probably not gonna extend to away from there.

We also have to be aware of what WE put out to others, maybe without realising. If you give out "I'm low in confidence, lonely, desperate for friends" and they can pick that up then it would be too heavy for people. They may fear that you would cling and if it didn't go well they'd not be able to get back out again.

These are just cold hard facts. It's all a game. The game requires skills. What you give out ATTRACTS people or repels them. You can't decide you don't want to play the game. That's just how the world is. It's not something to take personal. It's the nature of human beings. These things are on a sliding scale, not fixed. Change your inner world and change the outer one.

It IS ok. You ARE ok. Change how you feel about yourself and stop feeling rejected by the world. The world is actually FULL of people who feel and sound just like you. EVERYBODY needs acceptance, EVERYBODY fears not having it.

Change how you see "rejection", the world, yourself. Start with easy steps with people you feel are more on your level. You just need that human connection to start with to open your eyes to a new way to see things.

I say find people who are feeling like you. There are many. Find these SUITABLE people and build your confidence with them.

It may even be one of those five at work. Improve your friendship with them THERE. Come from a more secure place.

Build yourself a support network. Scrape it up from wherever you can. Support network, self esteem, self confidence, it all has to be built. It's scary and I know how hard it is but that's how you change.

Don't feel defeated and rejected. Have a problem solving attitude and change these things by bit.