Curious83
20-06-15, 03:37
Hi, after some advice... This may seem a bit jumbled in thought so bare with me. Firstly I am married (5years from 7yr relationship) and 6mth old ...emotions and feelings run back before pregnancy just seems worse.
For ages I know I have had low self esteem and know I desperately try to seek approval and acceptance, I know where it all stems from through some therapy sessions. Those sessions helped to 'get it off my chest' but also was a realisation of how 'Pathetic' I am (I know I am not just feels that way) but as paid I couldn't afford to keep going to get self help skills.
I have never been good at making and keeping friends and never had a real close friend that I could just pick up the phone to. This in its self makes me feel extremely low and pathetic.
My problem is when I meet someone whom I really enjoy their company, I know I come on a bit strong and needlessly desperate. There is a couple I have become quite attached to and they are absolutely lovely...but as their company grows their spare time disappears. I do some volunteer work for the company and some paid bits and bobs but rarely do I get to see them, usually I do at youth church, but they have a million things to do whilst their, and of course their priority is the youth.
This is where I really struggle. I can't seem to handle the fact that they never have time for even a half hour coffee or chat.
the rational side of me totally understands they don't have time; running a business, family and youth church...but the irrational part of me questions why am I so horrible that they cant make an effort to spend time with me, that what they tell me (a wonderful person that they love dearly...which I do believe) is a lie to keep me quiet, to feed my need for acceptance.
typical week; I send a cheerful text "hey how are you? Good weekend?" (standard greeting text right?) so I dint really expect much during the day of a reply, but when it gets to 10pm, and this is where social media ruins lives, and I know they have read my message, been on their phone numerous times...yes because I check date stamps, same time as other people...yes because I obsess and check that too, and still don't even get a 2second response...then I start on a spiral down. Do they hate me? What did I do?....no come on they are just busy, prob still doing work stuff!...but why are the date stamps the same as that person? ...its just coincidence!...but its too often to just be coincidence!! They hate me!, I mean nothing to them if they can't just respond..... 2am checking phone, still nothing...of course they are asleep!! This has brought me to complete irrational tears that have made me wonder would I just be better off if I didn't exist (I am strong enough to not do anything and to know the consequence of anything stupid will cost my baby girl and my marriage) so then these tears become anger at them then at myself
...etc etc all playing in my head, rational battling irrational.
Then another day, they will ring me out of the blue on way to client just for a chat....that's a good day!!!
so my question is what is going on in my head?! I seem pretty hung up on this particular person...I have complete rational sense of other 'friendships' involved in the same group (apart from odd occasion, where whenever I ask if they are free or when are they free, its almost impossible.)
I have been asked if its PND but quite honestly ive been in this situation before pregnancy with other people. Ive been to doctors and cried giving them the condensed version of I feel lonely and useless, completed the 'depression questionnaire' to be told, your score isn't high enough for us to do anything....well its clearly effecting me so maybe some help...hence why I did paid therapy.
I am not sure if any of that makes sense, but I desperately need help to handle the 'rejection' on a daily basis.
help :-(
For ages I know I have had low self esteem and know I desperately try to seek approval and acceptance, I know where it all stems from through some therapy sessions. Those sessions helped to 'get it off my chest' but also was a realisation of how 'Pathetic' I am (I know I am not just feels that way) but as paid I couldn't afford to keep going to get self help skills.
I have never been good at making and keeping friends and never had a real close friend that I could just pick up the phone to. This in its self makes me feel extremely low and pathetic.
My problem is when I meet someone whom I really enjoy their company, I know I come on a bit strong and needlessly desperate. There is a couple I have become quite attached to and they are absolutely lovely...but as their company grows their spare time disappears. I do some volunteer work for the company and some paid bits and bobs but rarely do I get to see them, usually I do at youth church, but they have a million things to do whilst their, and of course their priority is the youth.
This is where I really struggle. I can't seem to handle the fact that they never have time for even a half hour coffee or chat.
the rational side of me totally understands they don't have time; running a business, family and youth church...but the irrational part of me questions why am I so horrible that they cant make an effort to spend time with me, that what they tell me (a wonderful person that they love dearly...which I do believe) is a lie to keep me quiet, to feed my need for acceptance.
typical week; I send a cheerful text "hey how are you? Good weekend?" (standard greeting text right?) so I dint really expect much during the day of a reply, but when it gets to 10pm, and this is where social media ruins lives, and I know they have read my message, been on their phone numerous times...yes because I check date stamps, same time as other people...yes because I obsess and check that too, and still don't even get a 2second response...then I start on a spiral down. Do they hate me? What did I do?....no come on they are just busy, prob still doing work stuff!...but why are the date stamps the same as that person? ...its just coincidence!...but its too often to just be coincidence!! They hate me!, I mean nothing to them if they can't just respond..... 2am checking phone, still nothing...of course they are asleep!! This has brought me to complete irrational tears that have made me wonder would I just be better off if I didn't exist (I am strong enough to not do anything and to know the consequence of anything stupid will cost my baby girl and my marriage) so then these tears become anger at them then at myself
...etc etc all playing in my head, rational battling irrational.
Then another day, they will ring me out of the blue on way to client just for a chat....that's a good day!!!
so my question is what is going on in my head?! I seem pretty hung up on this particular person...I have complete rational sense of other 'friendships' involved in the same group (apart from odd occasion, where whenever I ask if they are free or when are they free, its almost impossible.)
I have been asked if its PND but quite honestly ive been in this situation before pregnancy with other people. Ive been to doctors and cried giving them the condensed version of I feel lonely and useless, completed the 'depression questionnaire' to be told, your score isn't high enough for us to do anything....well its clearly effecting me so maybe some help...hence why I did paid therapy.
I am not sure if any of that makes sense, but I desperately need help to handle the 'rejection' on a daily basis.
help :-(