Sparkle1984
21-06-15, 13:44
I have a long history of anxiety/depression episodes, particularly around existential themes and worrying about things which are outside of my control. My episodes tend to come on every few months or years, and then they go on for a few weeks or months until they fizzle out. For example, during my anxiety episode in 2012, my main theme was worrying about death and dying (I was worried about my older relatives getting older and dying, and even myself getting older and dying!). I had medication and other support for this and felt much better, but once I came off the meds, the anxiety came back just as bad in 2013 - it was a similar theme, about death and dying, and I was also worried about turning 30, which is linked in with my fear about getting older and eventually dying! So I went back on my medication and had online therapy, and felt much better again (although it seemed to take longer to recover the second time round). In February last year I turned 30 and I didn't really feel anxious at all and I actually had a good time on my birthday - it was like the anticipation was much worse than the actual event.
So last year I weaned off my meds for the second time, and finished completely in September. I felt fine for the first few months, but as soon as 2015 started, I felt like I was very gradually going downhill again, although this time the anxiety themes had changed somewhat - back in January I remember getting feelings that I'm not as good as the other people in my team at work, because I thought I was being assigned less challenging tasks than many of my colleagues, and also because they wouldn't promote me to non-junior level (although thinking rationally, that's probably more a reflection on the company's budget than my own performance). Then once I got over that worry, I began obsessively worrying about other things like blushing in front of other people, and stuttering, and my self-confidence started to decline. I have had occasional issues with blushing and stuttering in the past, but I was OK when I was still on the meds.
This year I also began to worry more about things I hear on the news (which obviously I have no control over), particularly things to do with the economy, austerity and its effects on ordinary people. I think it was mentioned on the news more often due to the election campaign. Even though I remember feeling a bit sad/disappointed about these sorts of things when the recession first happened a few years ago and the fallout from it, it never weighed so heavily on my mind before this year. Then following the announcement of the election results, I began to worry about austerity more, concerned about how the country (and other countries affected by the recession in similar ways) would end up in years to come.
Although I feel my mood and anxiety gradually started to go downhill at the beginning of this year, I think April is when things started to get more intense for me. It was at the beginning of April that I had a nightmare about my anxiety coming back, and in that nightmare I had an intense sense of hopelessness, which remained with me for the rest of the morning after I'd got up. In the following weeks, I often had a general sense of uneasiness like something wasn't right, although the anxiety wasn't with me all the time and I still felt like I could relax. Also, my stuttering got noticeably worse in April, which is a symptom of my anxiety. (That isn't the first time I've had a nightmare that's predicted the start of an anxiety episode - the same thing happened to me back in July 2012, and then just a couple of days later I began a really bad anxiety/depression episode and a month later was when I first went to the doctor's to get help).
Then last month, the anxiety and depression intensified even more, and I felt as bad as I did during my previous relapse in April/May 2013. I went back on my medication a month ago, but I still have quite a few bad moments and it feels like it's taking even longer to work this time. This time around, the anxiety about death and dying seems to be more in the background - I seem to be worrying about more other things like "what life will be like when I'm older?", "Will this country/world become dystopian?", "What will happen if I'm unwell when I'm older? Will there be anyone to look after me?", "What will happen to the economy in this country - will inequality continue to increase?" and "What will quality of life be like for ordinary (ie non-wealthy) people in the future?"
As you can see, these are all thoughts about things that are out of my control. That's one of the worst things about my anxiety - I feel a compulsion to worry about things that I can't control, and it's very difficult to stop it as the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. It's like a constant negative vibe in the back of my mind and I can't relax or enjoy things as usual.
Even though I've been back on my medication for a month, I still often wake up early, feeling anxious and low in the mornings - I have this weird feeling like something's not quite right, and that things will never be the same again. I also frequently have that feeling when I'm at work - it seems that something somehow isn't right, but I can't quite put my finger on it (although there has been a lot of redundancies and resignations in my department lately, so that could be part of it). It's hard to describe, but in some ways it feels like I've somehow woken up in an alternate universe this year where everything seems "off" and somewhat sinister, and on my bad days there is a near-constant sense of foreboding in the back of my mind. Over the last few months, I feel like I've lost interest in many of the hobbies I used to enjoy last year, and even though I'm trying my best to get back into some of them, it just doesn't feel the same any more. It feels like I'm viewing everything through a negative lens and I can't see the world in the same way I did last year. I also sometimes feel like I'm grieving for my old self, because last year I felt more happy and more confident than I'd felt in many years, but now that's all gone. :weep:
How do you deal with worries about things you have no control over? I often worry that because the things I worry about are mostly outside of my control, it means the worries will never go away and that I'll have to live with the anxiety forever, and that I'll never feel 100% again. Another question I have is - is it the anxiety and depression causing these negative worries and thoughts, or is it the negative thoughts and worries causing the anxiety and depression?
So last year I weaned off my meds for the second time, and finished completely in September. I felt fine for the first few months, but as soon as 2015 started, I felt like I was very gradually going downhill again, although this time the anxiety themes had changed somewhat - back in January I remember getting feelings that I'm not as good as the other people in my team at work, because I thought I was being assigned less challenging tasks than many of my colleagues, and also because they wouldn't promote me to non-junior level (although thinking rationally, that's probably more a reflection on the company's budget than my own performance). Then once I got over that worry, I began obsessively worrying about other things like blushing in front of other people, and stuttering, and my self-confidence started to decline. I have had occasional issues with blushing and stuttering in the past, but I was OK when I was still on the meds.
This year I also began to worry more about things I hear on the news (which obviously I have no control over), particularly things to do with the economy, austerity and its effects on ordinary people. I think it was mentioned on the news more often due to the election campaign. Even though I remember feeling a bit sad/disappointed about these sorts of things when the recession first happened a few years ago and the fallout from it, it never weighed so heavily on my mind before this year. Then following the announcement of the election results, I began to worry about austerity more, concerned about how the country (and other countries affected by the recession in similar ways) would end up in years to come.
Although I feel my mood and anxiety gradually started to go downhill at the beginning of this year, I think April is when things started to get more intense for me. It was at the beginning of April that I had a nightmare about my anxiety coming back, and in that nightmare I had an intense sense of hopelessness, which remained with me for the rest of the morning after I'd got up. In the following weeks, I often had a general sense of uneasiness like something wasn't right, although the anxiety wasn't with me all the time and I still felt like I could relax. Also, my stuttering got noticeably worse in April, which is a symptom of my anxiety. (That isn't the first time I've had a nightmare that's predicted the start of an anxiety episode - the same thing happened to me back in July 2012, and then just a couple of days later I began a really bad anxiety/depression episode and a month later was when I first went to the doctor's to get help).
Then last month, the anxiety and depression intensified even more, and I felt as bad as I did during my previous relapse in April/May 2013. I went back on my medication a month ago, but I still have quite a few bad moments and it feels like it's taking even longer to work this time. This time around, the anxiety about death and dying seems to be more in the background - I seem to be worrying about more other things like "what life will be like when I'm older?", "Will this country/world become dystopian?", "What will happen if I'm unwell when I'm older? Will there be anyone to look after me?", "What will happen to the economy in this country - will inequality continue to increase?" and "What will quality of life be like for ordinary (ie non-wealthy) people in the future?"
As you can see, these are all thoughts about things that are out of my control. That's one of the worst things about my anxiety - I feel a compulsion to worry about things that I can't control, and it's very difficult to stop it as the thoughts are always in the back of my mind. It's like a constant negative vibe in the back of my mind and I can't relax or enjoy things as usual.
Even though I've been back on my medication for a month, I still often wake up early, feeling anxious and low in the mornings - I have this weird feeling like something's not quite right, and that things will never be the same again. I also frequently have that feeling when I'm at work - it seems that something somehow isn't right, but I can't quite put my finger on it (although there has been a lot of redundancies and resignations in my department lately, so that could be part of it). It's hard to describe, but in some ways it feels like I've somehow woken up in an alternate universe this year where everything seems "off" and somewhat sinister, and on my bad days there is a near-constant sense of foreboding in the back of my mind. Over the last few months, I feel like I've lost interest in many of the hobbies I used to enjoy last year, and even though I'm trying my best to get back into some of them, it just doesn't feel the same any more. It feels like I'm viewing everything through a negative lens and I can't see the world in the same way I did last year. I also sometimes feel like I'm grieving for my old self, because last year I felt more happy and more confident than I'd felt in many years, but now that's all gone. :weep:
How do you deal with worries about things you have no control over? I often worry that because the things I worry about are mostly outside of my control, it means the worries will never go away and that I'll have to live with the anxiety forever, and that I'll never feel 100% again. Another question I have is - is it the anxiety and depression causing these negative worries and thoughts, or is it the negative thoughts and worries causing the anxiety and depression?