CrispyTowel
03-07-15, 19:20
Sorry, this is a bit of a long, ranty text wall! If you don't want to read it all please just look at the bottom paragraph... I'm feeling in a bad way at the moment and would really, really appreciate it!! :)
First a little background. I'm a 24 year old guy and I've suffered with anxiety to some degree all my life - had my first panic attack about 8 years or so ago. I had some counselling and a short round of CBT when I was first diagnosed, though I didn't get on too well with it so the therapist cut it short. It seemed manageable for a few years - I'd have a panic attack every now and then, but most symptoms were manageable although it has been about 5 years since I last felt "normal". I have OCD and intrusive thoughts as well. Never had any meds for it - doctor prescribed some beta blockers recently but I'm too anxious to take them, though my current therapist doesn't recommend I take them at this stage anyway.
Fast forward to today. My panic got so bad that I've just had just over 3 weeks off work sick, unable to even really face leaving the house during that time. For about 3 weeks straight, day and night, felt lightheaded, shaky, breathless, everything. First time I've ever needed time off school/work/whatever due to anxiety. Didn't really feel safe indoors or outdoors. I've been seeing a private CBT therapist for a couple of weeks and the sessions seemed to be going well. After the first session last week she recommended I go back to work this week, which I agreed with. I've been doing half days at work this week to ease myself back into it. I got a lift in on Monday and Tuesday but had to get the train home. Monday went surprisingly well, Tuesday I felt a little less confident for some reason but I got through it easy enough. Wednesday I had my second CBT session after work. I felt AMAZING that day! I still had that sort of spacey feeling in my head, but I got the bus and train both ways to work on my own, the bus to CBT on my own, got back home without panicking or having intrusive thoughts. I had a doctors appointment that same evening because I wanted to rule a few health concerns out because I've been worrying about them for years. Usually I'm an absolute wreck in the waiting room, but I was fine. Walked there and back on my own feeling pretty damn happy and proud of myself!
Thursday was ok. I felt a little less confident again for some reason, but I got through it. When I got home though I felt the familiar lightheadedness and tight chestedness and everything come to ruin it all again. I snapped at my mum during conversation because of the anxiety, had to run and sit down and calm myself down. Then this morning... I felt so bad this morning that I pretty much froze getting off the bus at the train station. It took all my effort to move my legs. I was seriously feeling like I was about to collapse, I was moments away from calling in sick at work and phoning my mum to beg her to get out of bed and pick me up. I powered through it though, however shaky and unwell I felt walking to work after getting off the train. Work itself wasn't too bad, it went better than I thought it would even if the lightheadedness did stalk me a bit. Just as the bus was pulling up in my road after work it all went to pot though... I was trying to focus on my breathing already, but all of a sudden I just started taking really rapid, deep breaths. My vision went blurry, my body went limp, for the first time ever I actually ran home because I thought I was about to collapse more than ever. I stumbled up the stairs trembling, fumbled around trying to open the door and shot straight in my room on my own to try and calm down. I've felt exhausted ever since.
I know setbacks like this are an inevitable part of recovery, but... It has really shaken my confidence. I'm not sure how I'm going to face going out to work again on Monday, as I need to get the train again in the morning and on top of that I'm expected to do a full day of work. Please, I'm pretty much begging for advice - how do I go about dealing with setbacks like this? I felt I made some damn good progress and within 24 hours it feels like I've been kicked in the gut, dragged by the hair back to square one and then been kicked while I'm down just for good measure... I don't want to start going backwards again! I'm not sure if I've been "running before I can walk", so to speak, or if something has triggered it or what...
Thank you so much for any advice, and sorry for the long post!
First a little background. I'm a 24 year old guy and I've suffered with anxiety to some degree all my life - had my first panic attack about 8 years or so ago. I had some counselling and a short round of CBT when I was first diagnosed, though I didn't get on too well with it so the therapist cut it short. It seemed manageable for a few years - I'd have a panic attack every now and then, but most symptoms were manageable although it has been about 5 years since I last felt "normal". I have OCD and intrusive thoughts as well. Never had any meds for it - doctor prescribed some beta blockers recently but I'm too anxious to take them, though my current therapist doesn't recommend I take them at this stage anyway.
Fast forward to today. My panic got so bad that I've just had just over 3 weeks off work sick, unable to even really face leaving the house during that time. For about 3 weeks straight, day and night, felt lightheaded, shaky, breathless, everything. First time I've ever needed time off school/work/whatever due to anxiety. Didn't really feel safe indoors or outdoors. I've been seeing a private CBT therapist for a couple of weeks and the sessions seemed to be going well. After the first session last week she recommended I go back to work this week, which I agreed with. I've been doing half days at work this week to ease myself back into it. I got a lift in on Monday and Tuesday but had to get the train home. Monday went surprisingly well, Tuesday I felt a little less confident for some reason but I got through it easy enough. Wednesday I had my second CBT session after work. I felt AMAZING that day! I still had that sort of spacey feeling in my head, but I got the bus and train both ways to work on my own, the bus to CBT on my own, got back home without panicking or having intrusive thoughts. I had a doctors appointment that same evening because I wanted to rule a few health concerns out because I've been worrying about them for years. Usually I'm an absolute wreck in the waiting room, but I was fine. Walked there and back on my own feeling pretty damn happy and proud of myself!
Thursday was ok. I felt a little less confident again for some reason, but I got through it. When I got home though I felt the familiar lightheadedness and tight chestedness and everything come to ruin it all again. I snapped at my mum during conversation because of the anxiety, had to run and sit down and calm myself down. Then this morning... I felt so bad this morning that I pretty much froze getting off the bus at the train station. It took all my effort to move my legs. I was seriously feeling like I was about to collapse, I was moments away from calling in sick at work and phoning my mum to beg her to get out of bed and pick me up. I powered through it though, however shaky and unwell I felt walking to work after getting off the train. Work itself wasn't too bad, it went better than I thought it would even if the lightheadedness did stalk me a bit. Just as the bus was pulling up in my road after work it all went to pot though... I was trying to focus on my breathing already, but all of a sudden I just started taking really rapid, deep breaths. My vision went blurry, my body went limp, for the first time ever I actually ran home because I thought I was about to collapse more than ever. I stumbled up the stairs trembling, fumbled around trying to open the door and shot straight in my room on my own to try and calm down. I've felt exhausted ever since.
I know setbacks like this are an inevitable part of recovery, but... It has really shaken my confidence. I'm not sure how I'm going to face going out to work again on Monday, as I need to get the train again in the morning and on top of that I'm expected to do a full day of work. Please, I'm pretty much begging for advice - how do I go about dealing with setbacks like this? I felt I made some damn good progress and within 24 hours it feels like I've been kicked in the gut, dragged by the hair back to square one and then been kicked while I'm down just for good measure... I don't want to start going backwards again! I'm not sure if I've been "running before I can walk", so to speak, or if something has triggered it or what...
Thank you so much for any advice, and sorry for the long post!