With or Without Anxiety!

[Mart0310]

Does anyone else find after a long anxious period, feeling calm without sensations really unsettling?

I woke up this mornng feeling completely without sensations for the first time in weeks, this freaked me out almost as much as the sensaions themselves! Almost like the volume on life is up to high?

Irrational I know, and I remember it well from my previous recovery, I guess it relates to having somethig to hide benind or possibly trusting that its ok not to be thinking about anxiety 24/7 ? :blush:

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Mart,

I've just been posting about this because it was asked on another thread. This is so common, I've seen it on here a few times and we used to discuss it in the charity walk-in groups I went to.

The way I feel about it is that once you have been a sufferer long term, your core beliefs change so that you expect to be anxious. Then as recovery starts and you have better days you see them as alien/weird, worry about what they mean and just bring your anxiety back. Once you start getting them more often, you forget that and just experience them so you stop using those old core beliefs that stated you should be anxious all the time to feel normal.

Typical learnt behaviour, I reckon given how the patterns seem to change.

Accepting it for what is would be the way to look at it. It will feel odd and anxiety is resistant to change & uncertainty - typical fight or flight mode - but it will feel more natural the more you experience it. If you can't accept it and bring the anxiety back, thats fine too, because this can be difficult at first but if you can at least distract yourself enough not to spend your time questioning it, analysing and comparing, it might be easier to pass through.

[Mart0310]

Morning Terry,

That makes a great deal of sense. Seems redic that the very thing we strive for can make us feel uneasy.

With a bit of logical thinking it seems obvious that this is the come down from the weekend of anxiety following the scan. As it happens I have a very well timed counselling session today, no doubt discussing this will take up most of that hour! :shrug:

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I'm sure he/she will be very familiar with this issue.

It can feel so strange. Something I've been battling to get my head around for a while is "time". I just have periods where things feel strange and I don't know what to do with myself despite having loads to get on with. Ambivalence is a big problem in these disorders, I reckon.

[Mart0310]

The thing I cant get my head around is that having been through 10 years of anxiety and coming out the other side, you would think I would know every trick in the book.

For me, it really hasnt worked like that at all, the sensations have all been different, and therefore its not the old familiar. Its relearning from scratch in many ways, with the exception of derealism and the come down, those two are old repeats for sure. Do they change or do our interpretations change?

I guess thats the nature of the beast though, if we become too familar with the 'warnings' we dont react, which defeats what the system was designed to do.

I guess Ambivalence is about as relevant as it gets with Anxiety, we all see the beast as Negative, equally to some extent it becomes a safe place to be, we get used to it, when it drops away. what then? we return to the life we had before? I remember when I was in counselling last time around that seemed like quite a scary concept, the idea of just being exposed to everything full blast again! Of course in reality its a much more gradual process.

The 'dont know what to do with myself' I can totally relate to, What Ive learned to do here is push on through, trust that this will settle and doing something isnt going to make it worse (Its gonna be ok!) what Ive found is that ths bring sensations down far more quickly that sitting it out and waiting for things to settle.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats is very very true, Mart. Sitting about just means worry & rumination. I also find that you can get more fatigued that way and getting moving can make you feel better. Since movement means more blood flow and more oxygen, nutrients, etc it does make you wonder what is going on at a physical level and how it affecting our neurotransmitters that simple movement can help.

I always find the "buzzing bees" symptom is present when sitting mostly, its not there when moving.

I completely agree with you on anxiety becoming a safe zone. As much as it hurts, its at least familiar and our subconscious is telling us to remain. I guess at the most primative level the fight or flight response is saying "stay behind this rock just incase you run for that cave and the beast gets you". Something I've posted a few times is a quote from The Shawshank Redemption where Brooks takes his life after release from 50 years inside and can't cope. Red says:

'These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.'

Doesn't that a lot like your point:

I guess Ambivalence is about as relevant as it gets with Anxiety, we all see the beast as Negative, equally to some extent it becomes a safe place to be, we get used to it, when it drops away. what then? we return to the life we had before?

I see that as a long term sufferers problem, we've changed how we view things and need to change it back.

My symptoms differed a bit the second time around but I think a lot of that was due to my new med. I did have some OCD going on but it was mild but when I went on a SNRI within weeks I had hundreds of rituals. It was very hard to cope with this and I didn't know anymore than the media portrayal of it being a locks, washing hands & hoarding issue. Reading about it helped a bit as I knew I wasn't going insane but it took bringing down anxiety levels and some exercise, basic routine to drop it initially.

[Mart0310]

The one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that the fear of living without anxiety drops aways the further you walk along the road of recovery. As the anxiety levels decrease it becomes less and less relevant by the time you would actually need to consider it (i.e. the point where you no longer depend on anxiety) you have already overcome it, You're literally back in the room!

Its incredibly difficult to force yourself into doing something when you feel so hurrendous, my argument with myself was alway 'But I have jelly legs, Im lightheaded, I cant' The fact is, I could, and when I did, I took control of it, disproving that jelly legs had me trapped took the fear, and gave me back control. Taking control is the battle we all have to conquer, I guess the best way to look at this is the playground bully scenario, whilst we allow it, its gonna keep controlliing our lives, its getting more and more power because we allow it. Taking back the control with even the smallest of victories shifts the power! We have to believe we can take control before we actually can ;)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, totally agree with you. Its learnt behaviour so if we aren't trying to teach our subconscious something else, its just learning these unhealthy behaviours over & over which just reinforces it all. Its all neurons, synapses and blocks of memory.

I've had situations that I would never put myself in because they are far too much of a risk when just going out for a walk was making me anxious yet I did them. Emergency situations that I found myself in should have been literally terrifying, but they were fine. It was only afterwards that the anxiety started - when my mind could get to work on deconstructing the situation.

I found that my recovery journey has been a matter of stages. I went so long in stage A and then felt a shift as I entered stage B and so on. As these stages changed, it became easier to accept the good & the bad days. I think its only near impossible when you are at rock bottom as you can't see beyond the symptoms 24/7 but after that the little glimpses start and the cracks form in the anxiety disorder.

Its a very tough journey and you certainly learn a lot about yourself. I've change so much and with Mindfulness I found I became more compassionate than before. 6 months of practicing that daily and I felt my mind just seem to shift. It was a strange feeling but I felt better for it immediately and then the compassion came.

[Mart0310]

Absolutely agree with you on the stages of recovery, I think its a case of feeling safe with every move before we step forward again. I slow and sure is the only way to win the race.

As long as we see progress who cares how long we take to get there eh?!