View Full Version : Terrified and alone
I found myself writing letters to everyone last night so they know what to do when I go blind. I have been laying in dark rooms so I can get used to a world with no light. These vision issues are getting worse. I know I have convergence insufficiency, I can't see well in the dark and the ghosting images at night are getting worse. I struggle to watch TV at night because of it, it's particularly bad with white writing on a dark background. I see my eye doc again a week today, would he have missed a blinding condition since my last eye test which was 2 weeks ago? I am afraid I may have kerocotonus or worse retinitis pigmentosa!! I also have an elevated amount of protein in my blood and I have just found out I'm vitamin D deficient!
Hi there. So sorry you are still feeling this way – I saw your other recent thread.
So...although very recently you were told you are not going blind by a medical professional, you have admitted to joining Blind/Sight impaired websites and forums and you are now writing letters to your loved ones for when you do go blind and also you’re actually “practicing” going blind. It is clear that you are deeply, deeply entrenched in this belief that you are going blind - and that must be very very scary for you.
Firstly, I would implore you to fight this compulsion to Google. I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic to you, I promise, but it’s pretty obvious that is what you are doing. And it is going to be damaging in the extreme to your state of mind, if you continue doing it. Please.... at least resist the urge until you have seen your eye doc next week. I really do have a feeling they will re-iterate to you that your fears of going blind are unfounded and I really do hope that this gives you the final medical reassurance and boost you need to get to grips with this.
Next – as difficult as it is – you have to stop yourself acting out these scenarios. Literally tell yourself to stop it. Out loud, if you have to but don’t do this anymore. By acting out these beliefs so strongly you are effectively bullying your own mind in to accepting that this real and that it is actually happening – despite the fact that you have no actual solid proof that it is. By joining communities, writing letters to loved ones and acting out scenarios in which you are already blind, you are creating fantasies that will be powerfully suppressing all rational thought and your perception of reality is going to be shot to pieces.
I’m not trying to make you feel worse than you do I swear – I have total empathy for you. In fact it is heart breaking to read a post from someone so obviously frightened. But I do feel that by taking these positive steps (stop googling and stop acting out these scenarios) you will start to recover from this a little on your own. I think you do need to seek therapy, as well as just seeing your eye doctor to help you deal with this (sorry I don’t recall whether you said you were doing this already in your previous thread) as it sounds like your compulsions and fears are very strong.
I'm sorry, I can't comment much on your symptoms other than to say (as I did before) that ghosting effects when looking at high contrast images is not uncommon. In fact it is normal for eyes to do this, and it very probably isn't "new" for you - except that you you are now hyper-aware of these things your eyes are doing. Taking in to account the lengths you are going to convince yourself you are going to go blind, a great deal of what you are experiencing is very possibly anxiety.
I’m sending positive vibes – and I’m really hoping you pull yourself out of this soon.
countrygirl
09-07-15, 17:14
Everything Frenchy has said, could not have been said better. Do you know that your mind cannot tell the difference between a thought and an actual event, so if you imagine say you have been bereaved then your brain thinks this has actually happened and will make you physically react in exactly same way as if it had happened. This was told to me by medical mental health professional to explain how our bodies react to our worries.
You are imagining being blind so your mind thinks you are and its creating the huge emotional horror of that because it doesn't know its not true just your imaginings. So imagine if your eye Dr tells you 100% that you do not have any eye condition at present that will blind you, keep telling yourself this and your mind will make you feel so much better. Try it everytime you imagine being blind change it to imagining being told the above.
Frenchy's post is spot on! I'll reiterate what I said on your previous post in that seeking professional help with this issue would be the most beneficial thing to do.
Positive thoughts
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. This is really powerful and it's preventing me from doing anything. I am hysterical the opticians will not give me another eye test because I've had 2 in 2 weeks, I've managed to move forward my opthamologist appointment but that is still next week. I feel like they are just letting me go blind. If my eye sight is this bad now, what about the future? I dread to think what I'll be able to see. There's so much I wanted to do and feel completely stuck.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. This is really powerful and it's preventing me from doing anything. I am hysterical the opticians will not give me another eye test because I've had 2 in 2 weeks, I've managed to move forward my opthamologist appointment but that is still next week. I feel like they are just letting me go blind. If my eye sight is this bad now, what about the future? I dread to think what I'll be able to see. There's so much I wanted to do and feel completely stuck.
You don't have to feel stuck. Try to think of things in a different way - you have seen 2 opticians and had two eye tests in the last 2 weeks. I know you are convincing yourself they have missed something, however in reality modern eye tests are extremely advanced and very precise. Also, to feel like you are making some progress, set a couple of positive goals for yourself. For example, between now and next week when you see your ophthalmologist here is your personal challenge: No more Googling symptoms and conditions, no more internet forums for Blind people, and no more acting out these letter writing or darkened room scenarios. No matter how strong the compulsion is, do not do it. Trust me, even just a few days break from those kinds of activities WILL make you start to feel better. And try to arrange some therapy - at least try to get on to a waiting list.
And try to feel positive....it may be next week but an ophthalmologist is just about as good as it gets, so you'll have the very best advice and no choice but to trust what your hear, won't you!
Things will get better if you can set and meet some of these goals, I promise.
Everything you all say is completely true. But as strange as it sounds I feel like I need to start a journey. If there isn't a problem with my eyes, then what about the nerves or the muscles around them? Or maybe a problem with the way my eye sends signals to my brain.
When you say "start a journey" do you mean in terms of journey to look at ever more specific and exotic things that you think could be wrong in and around your eyes?
Because I really think your goal needs to be to try and avoid that.
See the medical professional next week and see what they say first. If he carries out tests, ask questions about what that actually covers (to cover these concerns about nerves/muscles) and extract as much reassurance as you can from the visit.
And at all costs, avoid acting out these scenarios and googling things!
Yes that is what I mean Frenchy, if it's not my eyes then it is my brain. I feel like my vision is getting worse day by day. I'm still so petrified to go to sleep at night. The headaches are getting worse and I'm just so scared.
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