View Full Version : is this anxiety or just guilt?
i went out before christmas and got really drunk so drunk in fact i have forgotten big gaps in the night, i had an argument with my friend, which i dont really remember.
i woke up in the morning after this night and thought i feel like such an idiot blah blah, with people telling me what i did etc, i then started to think oh my god i dont remember going to the toilet what if i cheated on my partner (of 4 years) i have been quizzing my friends about this night for over a month now and they have all said there is no way you could ever do that and they dont remember me going to the toilet on my own and they said if i did i wouldnt forget, but what if i did do something and forgot i forgot the argument and most other parts of the night.
my partner said i was fine when i came home and i asked him to make me cheese on toast so i obviously didnt feel guilty then, but what if i completely blocked it out of my mind that i did.
sorry to ramble!!
I think that you are REALLY doubting yourself. Anxiety does this to you. Did you know that the French call OCD, the doubting disease - la folie de doute. I'm not saying that's what you have but you are anxious and you are doubting yourself.
Why would you go off with someone else when you love your partner? And deep down, no matter how drunk, you must know this. Was someone chatting you up? Surely if they had done then you would remember bits of it. They'd likely also be trying to contact you.
Sounds like you're just making yourself guilty over probably nothing. That seed of doubt takes root and grows a flippin big anxiety tree.
Elle
davidthegnome
02-02-07, 14:48
I would like to strongly second what Elle said, first of all.
Myself, I have found that anxiety and guilt often go hand in hand. I have felt guilty about being a burden to so many people who have never once complained or told me I'm a burden. I have felt guilty for not being able to drive, for not being able to be as Good a father as I'd like. I have even wept in guilt for things that weren't really bad at all.
Anxiety can dissolve self-confidence and make you doubt all kinds of things. Guilt is also a normal result of it. Chances are you didn't cheat on your boyfriend as you feared, I strongly doubt that you're repressing something like that. It may frighten you and make you feel awful, but this is just anxiety playing tricks on your mind.
You love him and no matter how drunk you got, if you had done something bad that night I'm sure someone would have remembered and told you about it. If you were repressing something from it, it's likely that you'd have flashbacks. So it's highly unlikely. Try to trust in yourself, in your own self control. You live with anxiety, surely you've had the fear of losing control, but have you ever really lost it?
Probably not. Neither have I. This feeling of guilt and doubt will pass, remember that it is part of anxiety and anxiety can never do you any true harm. You are a good person and my heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to doubt yourself. Relax though, you will overcome that self-doubt in time.
Good fortune and God Bless you,
David
Thanks for your replies, i dont know why i doubt myself so much, i felt guilty when i woke up in the morning because i was dancing and other blokes were staring at me, my friends said that no blokes were trying to chat me up though, its just that i forgot a whole argument that lasted about 30 mins so what else did i forget, i hate people who cheat and now i think i have i just cant get this night out of my head trying to remember the argument and if i did anything, i feel like nobody will be able to help with this one i will never know if i cheated and i feel like i have really betrayed my partner. i will never be able to move on from this ever!!
nomorepanic
02-02-07, 15:17
Kelly
You must move on from it or it will eat you up and destroy you inside.
You would know deep down if you betrayed your partner and I doubt you did atall.
Nicola
People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel
Kelly
Go and look at yourself in the mirror. Say, "I can rise above this and I can move forward. I have no reason to believe that I cheated on my boyfriend. I have to stop doubting myself, not just over this but over everything else in my life!"
I know where you're coming from. I doubt myself too. For instance the washing will just be finishing and I'll think, did I put the washing powder in with the washing? Now, I know that I did but just to make sure I wash it again. Doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt - DON'T let it win!
Elle
My experience of excess alcohol is that it's easy to forget conversations but not actions. If you had been unfaithful surely someone would have reminded you of it afterwards
Jo
all of my friends say that i was never left alone but what if i went to the loo on my own and somebody grabbed me and because i was so drunk i just went ahead with it and then completely blanked it straight after then went upstairs with my mates an carried on as normal, this is possible so it could have happened, i really cant stop this at first i thought your being stupid but now i really do think i did something
Jo is right. It's easy to forget words when you're drunk but not so easy to forget being intimate with someone. And if you had been then you'd certainly remember what he looked like. You must be a bit choosy, you surely like a certain type of man? You wouldn't go with just anyone! No, and likely you DIDN'T go with anyone.
Would this figment have been waiting in the ladies or would you have sneaked into the mens? Neither, I think. And if either of these worse case scenarios took place then wouldn't you have been disturbed in such a busy club? Yes you would. So, the verdict of the court is that it didn't happen. You are only guilty of anxiety and that's not going to be punished.
Stop worrying and go and have a nice weekend with your boyfriend.
Elle
Kelly
You are obsessing, a thought is going round and round in your head. It's getting bigger every time you think about it. I know how it works, I've obsessed about things that others would think laughable. Believe it or not you will likely laugh about this in the future when you've got it into perspective. Right now it's totally out of all proportion. Of course you wouldn't let someone have sex with you. Even if he was Adonis himself you would say no and the reason you would say no is because you have a boyfriend and you have a conscience.
Think about what I've been saying, doesn't it make sense?
Elle
i must have done something to feel like this though, do you think that if you are that drunk you can forget something straight away after it has happened, my partner keeps saying that i am going to make him have a nervous breakdown because of this but i really cant help it, i will never know if i did anything and that thought is killing me!!
i dont know how much more i can take of this
Hi There
I agree with what everyone says im sure you didnt do anything you shouldnt have done so stop worrying about it . Have a good weekend and relax.
Take care
Annexx
Kelly
I wanted to know if you'd discussed this with your boyfriend. Glad you did. Lord knows, I've put my husband through hell with my stupid little irrational thoughts that to me were mega huge. He's tried reasoning with me until he's blue in the face but I still often chose not to believe him and everyone else too. My mother tells me, I'd beg to be hung.
I always think I'm wrong when deep down I'm not. I'm actually a very intelligent person but I always want things to be just perfect. Thing is that they never will be but they could be just a bit more perfect if I'd let them. When good things happen I don't think, hey great. I think but what if this went wrong or that went wrong. It's just not the right way to be and I know it. You know it too.
Kelly, you are a very caring person. You have a strong sense of what is right and what is wrong. In my opinion most people who suffer from anxiety are like this. They care too much. They care about what they do and they care about repercussions from their actions. That being the case you would not have cheated on your boyfriend.
Elle
thanks all for your caring words, this has been going on for 5 weeks now and no matter what anybody says for some reason i cant shift it, i had the same problem which finally ended 6 months ago... for 3 years i was adament i had HIV, but was too scared to have a test, i had symptoms for HIV headaches, muscle aches, so aftre 3 years i had the test which proved negative, but i didnt feel relieved i thought that the nurse who had taken my blood hadnt used a clean needle and had given me HIV, i took pictures of my arm as proof that i had bad bruising from when he had taken my blood and i also went to the doctor to have another test, i finally got over this as i realised the test couldnt be wrong and i knew i was being irrational over the other worry, but this time there is no test to say that i did or didnt cheat, do you think hypnotherapy might help me to remember?
Hypnotherapy never worked on me but that's not to say it wouldn't on you. Oh Kelly, I've been exactly where you are. I thought that I might have aids after being present at the birth of a friend's child. And all because she had a boyfriend who had been on holiday to a place where AIDs was prevalent. I got her blood on me and that was that, the idea germinated, took route and flourished. Of course it was daft but I worked on that little idea round the clock.
I used to live in a beautiful Elizabethan cottage on the banks of a wide river. That was great until the children came along and then I couldn't stop thinking that they would fall in and drown. Because of that we had to move. That thought became an obsession.
I could tell you of so many others but I won't. It makes me cringe. What you are doing should make you cringe too. You have created a monster out of nothing. Why do you want to punish yourself and those around you too? Accept what others tell you, they are currently seeing things more clearly than you. It seems that you want to think bad of yourself when there is really no need. Your only sin was to get drunk and that's not so very bad. Most of us have done that.
You know, some people become obsessed with the idea that they have committed a crime. They even 'turn themselves in' at the police station. In fact they've done nothing. I strongly recommend that you read ' Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The Causes and Treatment of OCD' by Ian Osborn. It might just allow you to get things into perspective.
Elle
Hi Elle, thanks for your replies, did you end up having a test to stop yourself thinking about aids, or did you just realise that there was no way,you could have it?, did you find something else to worry about once you had moved?, i even know that i will worry about certain things before they come along, i have said to my partner that i dont want to try for kids because i am scared that if i dont get pregnant straight away then i will worry something is wrong with me and that i will never have kids,
Everybody keeps saying to me you need to fight the anxiety first and then you will think clearer, i just cant really see how this will ever make me stop doubting myself, everybody is getting so stressed out with me, i find it so hard to get out of bed or go anywhere, i just want to lie down, curl up in a ball and forget about everything. its my 22nd birthday tomorrow and i know i will be in bed most of the day feeling sorry for myself, how do i stop myself thinking about that night and doubting myself??
Thanks
I never had a test, I just realised that it was daft to think that way. Kelly, you are too young to be obsessing so much. Honestly, there really is no need to do this to yourself. Listen to me, I'm over twice your age and I speak from experience. Most of the things that you endlessly worry over never come to pass and even if they did then you would deal with them then. My mother says, 'don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you!' Think about that, it makes sense. DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE! And don't feel sorry for yourself. You have done nothing wrong. Take that on board and go out with your boyfriend and give him your full attention.
Think about reading that book. It's very good.
Elle
Thanks so much, what you have said really means a lot to me, i will definately look for that book.
i am now trying to think more positive and try to forget about that night what has happened has happened and i cant change that, i need to try to overcome this anxiety and then maybe i will think differently, if not then the past is the past my partner has told me he will always forgive me and i would do the same if it was the other way round.
have you found ways to help you deal with your worries?
my boyfriend and my family have suggested that i put up a wall between me and this night and not to think about it so that my anxiety has chance to fade and not be renewed everytime i go back to it.
It is my firm belief that we worry because of past experiences and because of our genetic make up. This is the case in my family. So, I think that the tendency will most likely always be there especially since it's my personal belief that there is an underlying chemical imbalance. I feel that the brains neurotransmitting chemical are out of kilter. This makes it very real, in other words it's not all in our head. We can only be a product of the chemicals that run through our body.
Many doctors feel this way and prescribe drugs for the problem. I haven't gone down this route, preferring to sort myself out with herbs and such from health stores. Likely this site, if you search, will have some suggestions as to what you should take if that's what you want to do. But what suits one person won't necessarily suit another.
Kelly, you say you want to put what happened behind you. Well, nothing happened and that's deep down what you know. You've just been through a bad patch. Winter is like that. The old SAD syndrome rears its ugly head and off we go, worrying on a hiding to nowhere.
Now, go and have a really good weekend. Accept that those ideas looping in your head are ridiculous are then let it go.
Elle
Hi Kelly and a BIG happy birthday.
I just had to post and let you know why I think it unlikely that you did anything out of character during your wild night out.
Quite a few years ago, when I was a student a few of us got together to celebrate a 21st birthday party for which we made a huge batch of sangria. We mixed it up in one of those big plastic buckets used for homebrew and as it was drawing close to the start of the summer break we decided to use up all those odds and sods of this-and-that that had accumulated over the year - the last inch of vermouth, two inches of sherry, the same of jack daniels, three inches of vodka, the same of gin, not to mention about twelve pints of a seriously vicious home-brewed cider that melted plastic cups...you get the picture. Mixed together with two or three boxes of red wine, a ton of cherries and oranges and not a lot of orange juice...it was lethal! There were five people at that party and we dogged the lot, before staggering, in a five-wide line, along to the night club. All I remember of that night is my good mate Tony coming into the ladies loo (much to the amusement of the ladies) because it had been a while since I went in there and he was worried. He nipped over the top of the cubicle (again, much to everyone's amusement) to rescue me and I do recall him giving me a fireman's lift, and I just recall waving bye bye to the bouncers as Tony carried me home. The next thing I remember is waking in a contorted crumpled knot in one of my armchairs with a very concerned Tony sitting across the room, his fingers steepled under his chin and waiting for me to come around. Now I have to admit that I fancied Tony something rotten - he was lovely and I'd been DYING to get off with him since I first met him...HOWEVER....I ended up having to apologise to him profusely because apparently, on getting back to my flat he plonked me down in an armchair and watched me trying to sleep and get comfortable and since I was very evidently not managing either he had come over, tried to pick me up in his arms and asked me whether I wanted to go to bed. Now what he MEANT was would I like him to carry me through and place me, just as I was, on my bed but apparently I had misinterpreted his question as a come-on and had given him the vilest verbal and physical thrashing on account of his trying to take advantage of a drunken woman and how DARE he even think that and I thought we were friends etc etc etc so he just left me where I was and stayed up all night with me to make sure I didn't choke on my own vomit. He also had the scratches to prove it, poor lad!
I never did get together with Tony but we remained good friends for the next couple of years and often laughed about that night. I think it goes to show that, like hypnosis, even if you're utterly paralytic I think it's highly unlikely that you would have done anything that you felt to be wrong. And - speaking as someone who has been a victim of sexual assault - your body would have filled in the blanks, believe me.
I hope you manage to put this out of your head at least for today and enjoy your day. Your boyfriend sounds really lovely and I'm sure he will spoil you rotten! H :-)
thanks - you do seem to remember quite a bit about the end of the night, all i remember is going to the loo twice at the beginning of the night, dancing, asking the dj to put music on, calling some married men pervs for looking at my little sister, talking to the taxi driver and paying him, that is it from 4 hours i was drinking wine about 3-4 glasses with lemonade and i had one shot, that isnt much so why have i forgot big chunks of the night, i didnt get out of bed till 1 today because i really wasnt in the mood, i keep saying i want my boyfriend to hit me or something cos i feel like such a bad person, really sorry to go on again i really do appreciate everything you say to me and it does make a difference.
Kelly
Kelly
You could talk. You could walk. You could spot men who had an eye on your sister. You were able to pay the taxi driver. You were able to talk to your boyfriend when you got home. You were not so out of it that you could do something so ridiculous as to have it off with someone in the toilet. And okay, even if you did, which you didn't, your lovely boyfriend would forgive you.
Don't waste your life obsessing. Take a look at the OCD thread. Get the book I recommended. Think about what you can do to help yourself. Don't lie in bed and make mountains out of molehills. Drink plenty of clean water (not tap) because if you are dehydrated, which most of us are, then you get depressed. Look at your diet. Do you live on chips and Pizzas? How about some fresh fruit and veg. Avoid aspartame and monsodium glutamate.
This site is intereresting http://www.healthandnutrition.co.uk/articles/depression.htm
Maybe you should ask the advice of someone in your health food store. They could recommend something. But again, although there are many things that you could take, I can't recommend anything specifically for you since we are all different. Get proper advice.
Take care.
Elle
If nothing gets better consider going to see your doctor. He is not going to laugh at you. You are not the only one in the world to get like this. You are currently so low that from the bottom rung of the ladder the top looks so far away. Start helping yourself because only you can snap out of it.
Elle
Hi Elle,
i feel a little bit better at the minute, i got out of bed got dressed and after feeling sorry for myself i went to my sisters and all my family were there with food and a cake for me, i had a bit of a cry but as all my family were there telling me i didnt do anything and that i need to snap out of it i felt a bit better.
thanks so much you have been a great help.
Take Care
Kelly
Kelly
Good girl. Keep going up and banish those negative thoughts.
Elle
after saying all that feeling better and everything, what if i have HIV!!, i went through all that and now i am worrrying about it again, worst thing is i will have to wait 2 months until i can find out - i cant cope with waiting that long, my friends never worry about stuff like this but if i go out and somebody touches me i always think that they have just put a needle in me (it took me ages to realise i didnt even after the test and now i have gone and put myself in the not knowing situation again), i am so stupid!!
i wanted to give blood on Monday i wont even be able to do that now.
what am i going to do???
Kelly
I had a feeling that was what was in your mind all along. You have a very great fear of catching HIV. Okay lets break it down and get it into perspective.
a) If you met a bloke and had sex with him then what are the chances of him having AIDs? Do you think that every one who walks down the street has AIDs? No, they don't.
b) If you did have sex and contracted AIDs then you could be treated. Treatment has come a long way. Have you seen the re runs of Starsky and Hutch? Do you know who Paul Michael Glaser is? Well his wife and daughter died of AIDs but his son still lives. His is a story of hope.
http://www.pedaids.org/AboutUs/SurvivorSpotlight/SurvivorArchive/JakeGlazer.aspx
What you lack, Kelly, is hope. You see only gloom and doom. You truly do catastrophise but that, I'm afraid, is a symptom of OCD. I'm still not saying that this is what you have, I'm not an expert, but I do suggest you find someone qualified to sort you out. You clearly are not managing and you and your family are suffering.
Why do you have such terrific guilt? If you really did do this thing that you worry so much about then say so. Face it, get it into the open and deal with it. No one is perfect and we truly all do make mistakes. I wouldn't despise you because of it.
But, if you didn't, which I honestly believe is the case, then stop thinking about it. But, if you achieve that then you must try not to begin worrying about something else.
Now, start listening to other people and tell those negative thoughts to go away.
Elle
Hi Elle, i'm really sorry for being like that, i have no memory of anything happening or evidence my friends say i was never really alone and i never showed any cause for concern so i know that the event taking place is extremely unlikely i know i have a big fear of HIV, i do not know why but i suppos once i get the right help they will be able to help me.
Thanks for listening and sorry again!!
Kelly
Kelly
Honestly there is no need to be sorry. Talking helps and you have to see that there is absolutely no foundation for your worries. These worries will take over your life if you let them.
Can't you stand back and look at yourself? See that what you are doing is plain daft. You've created an imaginary monster. Now, kick it in the rear end and send it into orbit, never to return.
Elle
I totally understand what youre saying. i too had a problem which got worse and worse the more i thought about it. It started off because i to couldnt remember what i had done because id had too much to drink. its now 10 weeks ago and ive finally come through it but believe me it has caused so much worry and upset. Also ive been like this before and i try to tell myself that it will pass and also i do a for and against list to prove to myself that im not "guilty" of the things im thinking. also i agree that its all to do with anxiety and really were good people who are trying very hard to get things "right" with love x
Thanks Tracie and Elle, i have felt a lot better today, managed to go shopping and spend a bit of money on myself which i havent done for a while as we bought a house 2 years ago and we have spent every penny on the house.
i know it will take a while to drum it into my head that i didnt do anything because for 5 weeks i have been drumming it in my head that i have.
i know with the help of friends and family and this site i can do it!!!
Kelly
x
Kelly
You can do it. You will do it. Tomorrow is a new day. It doesn't take five weeks of thinking positive to undo five weeks of worrying. It can happen over night. Time is a relative concept. If you just let it go then it's transported away in an instant. Not a miracle, just coming to your senses.
Take care.
Elle
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