In a dark place.

[Rinzai]

I'm in a bit of a dark place at the moment. In my very first post on this forum I shared that I had anxiety problems regarding irrational thoughts whether one of my best friends had slept with a girl I really like. Last month I saw on FB that she now has a new fella which was a real shock to me.

I had met her for a drink two days before I discovered she was no longer single and when we departed I had a positive feeling that I finally had the chance to open up my feelings to her soon and eventually become an item. Seeing the photo of them two together felt like a real punch in my gut. I felt very sad about it, but I did my best to make sure that it wouldn't affect my friendship with the girl. What hurt the most was that she posted a picture message on his wall saying amongst the lines of: "Thank you for being there for me". It hurt because I always believed that I was there for her as she was going through a tough patch in her life. It just seemed unfair :weep:

I was okay a few weeks ago and concentrated on things, just generally getting on with life, but this week has taken its toll and I'm constantly reflecting on hindsight over my behaviour and wishing that my anxiety hadn't interfered over what might have been. I had been feeling foolish and stupid as I felt scared wondering if my best friend had been sleeping with her. When I consider it rationally, it is very unlikely that they did, but that doesn't prevent my mind from convincing me of it.

I haven't been my creative self this week :weep::weep::weep:

[youdontknowme]

Unrequited feelings suck, but try not to focus on it too much! There's other girls out there, and I'm sure you've got your own hobbies to attend to. I mean, do your grieving when it's necessary, but don't wallow in it, ya know? There's more to your life than this one relationship that may or may not have ever happened between you two.

Oh, and don't blame yourself. You have no idea why she chose this guy instead of you. I know some guys who are interested in me, but, for some reason that I absolutely cannot articulate, I simply am not interested in them. They are good looking, likeable, and we get along, but I just don't feel that "spark". It may not be fair, as you say, but there is no fairness in attraction. It just... happens. Girls can't help who they are interested in. And hey, for all you know, she may have been interested in you, but this other guy made a move first. Then again, she may not have been.

Maybe you just aren't her type, or maybe she was waiting for you to make a move but you never did, maybe she's slightly allergic to your cologne, or maybe your pheromones don't appeal to her biologically, maybe she's been head over heels for this guy all along and was just waiting for him to show interest... there's a million maybes. The point is that you can't waste away worrying about them. What you have isn't "maybe...", what you have is right here, right now. Make your own happiness in the present moment most important, not some wispy, self depreciating obsession with what could have been.

I know that when I focus on all of my bad luck with relationships I wind up feeling down in the dumps and hopeless, like I'll never find a happy relationship, no one will ever treat me right or love me, I'm not good enough, I can't be happy without a relationship, etc.

Are there any other girls you like? Hobbies you have? Job? Pets? Friends? Focus on all of that. That is what is real.

[Rinzai]

Thanks for the reply youdontknowme :)

I've had a much better day today and just did my best to get on with things. There are times when I just think I'm better off going on a retreat just to get away from it all.

[youdontknowme]

Good! What kind of retreat, do you think?

[Oosh]

Oh thats a real kick in the guts. Sorry to hear about this.

Ive always been backward in coming forward and have been left to kick myself many times.

All you can do to move forward is think about what you could have done to achieve a better outcome and remember that next time.
See what stopped you and recognise that next time too.

They may break up again in a few weeks/months so make sure you are at your best. Best way to attract is to be the best you can be and not be seen to be in the gutter moping and beating yourself up. If they break up you have the advantage of being her friend so i wouldnt say all is lost.

[youdontknowme]

They may break up again in a few weeks/months so make sure you are at your best. Best way to attract is to be the best you can be and not be seen to be in the gutter moping and beating yourself up. If they break up you have the advantage of being her friend so i wouldnt say all is lost.

That's a really good point. I wouldn't count on it for your happiness, but it's always a possibility. If they do break up, don't be afraid to make a move! At least you'll know you had the guts to try. She might even say yes, you never know :)

For now, just try not to dwell on any of it. You've got your own life going on.

[Rinzai]

Thanks for the replies everyone :D


Good! What kind of retreat, do you think?

I'm not too sure as yet, I've already checked out a few places. But I do think it'll do me the world of good.


They may break up again in a few weeks/months so make sure you are at your best.


If they do break up, don't be afraid to make a move!

This is the most weirdest thing. If I really like a girl and I discover she's already attached, yes at first it is heartbreaking, but then I soon accept it. But the moment she breaks up with a fella and would become single, then I begin to get a little panicky. It's like when they're in a relationship, it feels 'safe'. But the moment they come out, then I feel compelled to do something but I don't do anything at all. I end up becoming more angry at her previous boyfriend for not sticking with her. When she becomes available, I get vulnerable! It's really strange. Does anyone relate to this?

I'll do my best to focus on other things and not make finding a relationship important.