Feel so let down... [Archive]

Justanutter

12-07-15, 22:39

Just wanted to vent on here as I am so upset. Just spent the evening with the family .... Two sons and daughter and grandchildren...all are fully aware of my HA or 'hypochondria' as they prefer to call it, and I know they get fed up with my various health dramas but after my youngest son, who's very understanding, told the others that I am now panicking about my heart again (will spare you all the boring details..) so they either normally laugh or get cross. My daughter thinks I am being stupid and in her words 'can't be doing with it' and my OH said that I am pathetic and looking for attention! Anyway tonight they have upset me deeply. Why can't they show one ounce of empathy to me? Do they think I want to be like this? I am made to feel ashamed for having HA and I am sick of their attitude. It's mainly my OH and daughter that are so uncaring and I feel let down by my daughter as she has mild OCD which could be bad and how would she feel if I just said I can't be doing with it sorry! My OH actually said even if I was having a heart attack he wouldn't help me now...:weep:

feelthelove

12-07-15, 22:44

I know how you feel , my elderly parents constantly bark at me and tell me i am a hypochondriac and to get to the doctors for some tablets . It's not easy for others to see there is a problem because they can't see a cut or a plaster what we have is a mental disorder . Until it happens to them they cannot even begin to understand .

You need ignore what they are saying as they just don't understand and if you're like me you won't get any support form family . I'm here for you though and i know exactly how you feel and about the heart worries too . :hugs:

Hypo84

12-07-15, 22:48

What are you doing to get over your condition? Are you going to therapist, taking meds, doing cbt?

cattia

12-07-15, 22:51

I have had this sort of reaction from people before too so I understand how hurtful it is. They either think it's funny or they get impatient. I suppose it must be hard to hear us going over and over the same thing again and in their minds we are not listening to what they say because people don't always understand that their reassurance is short lived. I think maybe the best thing to do would be to sit them down at a time when you are not feeling anxious and explain to them how hurtful it is to have them make these comments, and how you would like them to respond. I have had these discussions within my husband before and it has helped although he still gets annoyed with it at times. If people get fed up hearing about our worries I can understand, but it would be nice if they also had some appreciation of how it feels to have those worries banging on and on all day long like an internal voice in your head that you don't know how to switch off. If they could perhaps appreciate that then they might understand that what seems like an annoyance for them is far far more of one for us!

Justanutter

12-07-15, 23:03

Thanks guys. Really fed up with myself.

Have had meds in past. Halfway through CBT sessions....useless. Reading lots etc.

Hypo84

12-07-15, 23:05

feelthelove

12-07-15, 23:31

Maybe there isn't any other help , the only help here it seems in the UK is medication and counselling .

Hypo84

13-07-15, 00:09

Medication and counceling will help. Exercise and increased activity could also help.

MyNameIsTerry

13-07-15, 04:43

Justanutter

13-07-15, 08:51

I'll repeat once again...what are you doing to help yourself...therapy,meds, cbt or nothing? Because if the answer is nothing how can you expect someone to listen to you and u derstand you when you are not doing your best to get better?
My girlfriend doesn't understand my condition but she supports me since I am going to therapy and she knows I am trying to get better and that I will do anything in my power to recover.

Hypo,

Sorry, had to cut my post short last night as was doing it 'secretly' as usual as OH was around so had to stop.

I have been on citalopram for around 10 years on and off and it was really good. Was in the process of weaning myself off them of late but at the same time, my GP wanted me to come off them as there are now 'contraindications' with Citalopram and betablockers (which I take because I have a high heart rate). She wanted to give me Sertraline but I didn't want to take anything new and experience all the side affects etc. after doing well coming off the Citalopram. I have also spent approx. £600 on hypnotherapy/NLP with a really great counsellor but I was fine when I was there each week but couldn't afford to keep going any longer. This was to fill the gap while I waited 8 months for CBT referral, which is normal here in the UK. I also read loads of self-help books and try and do some meditation and mindfulness. So you see, I am trying to help myself but I am so convinced I have some terrible illness all the time, that no matter how hard I try to put all these other methods into practice, I still feel terrified of everything on a daily basis. CBT isn't helping so far and I feel like it is just skimming the surface of the problem and I want some proper help in getting better, not just somebody showing me a diagram every week that is supposed to be taken on board and solve everything! I know that if I went to the Drs and had the heart tests (heart problems being at the forefront of the latest anxiety) and all was okay (which obviously, I don't think is...) then I would be skipping about again with joy and the anxiety would magically disappear again (until the next time, as my daughter says...).

I honestly don't know what the answer is and neither do most people on here unfortunately. We can only just support each other and wait for the worst to pass.

Just on a different note, I do believe that our HA is fed these days by the constant advice on TV and in magazines to be 'cancer' aware and those awful adverts showing people who are terminally ill don't help. My CBT lady said to make myself watch them as part of 'exposure' therapy but they make me more depressed.

Sorry, I've rambled on now but couldn't do it last night.

Hypo84

13-07-15, 10:47

Well, I would still take that med that doctor suggested since you are saying that you were feeling good when you were on Citalopram.

As for your family, I think you should really try best not to talk about your condition to your grandchildren if they are little or let them here about it. You know, HA is learned condition, and they might develop the same thing you have. You say your daughter have mild OCD, guess how she got that?

Just on a different note, I do believe that our HA is fed these days by the constant advice on TV and in magazines to be 'cancer' aware and those awful adverts showing people who are terminally ill don't help

Information is not important by itself. If it was, most ppl in the world would have HA since we all here the same stories. Problem with us with HA is that we interpret that information in the wrong way.

My therapist is telling me that with HA I should consciously remind myself not to seek reassurance on Google, not to check symptoms and initially, it will make my anxiety worse, much worse, but eventually, anxiety will become lower, and lower...Just remember that you will always have symptoms, and always hear new information about some terrible diseases, how you deal with these symptoms and information is the only thing that matters.

feelthelove

13-07-15, 10:52

I never watch health programs if i did i would have everything they have talked about within seconds, I have mild HA but neither of my parents have it so i don't where i got it from .

MyNameIsTerry

13-07-15, 11:00

Information is not important by itself. If it was, most ppl in the world would have HA since we all here the same stories. Problem with us with HA is that we interpret that information in the wrong way.

My therapist is telling me that with HA I should consciously remind myself not to seek reassurance on Google, not to check symptoms and initially, it will make my anxiety worse, much worse, but eventually, anxiety will become lower, and lower...Just remember that you will always have symptoms, and always hear new information about some terrible diseases, how you deal with these symptoms and information is the only thing that matters.

Cognitive Distortions are the reason why people look at things with the tunnel vision you say. If I see a story about something rare (most likely cancer related) I will discount it in seconds because my filters are working like any other person without a disorder yet someone with HA will not be able to see it the same way until they understand & learn how to challenge these CD's. The same could easily be said for someone with HA looking at why I needed to touch a window from 10 times until it just "felt right", you could just close that window and walk away. My CD's are in play around that issue.

Lots of good work from your therapist there. Later on triggers tend to get reintroduced so that you can be sure you have conquered them. In ERP they often go a step further too.

I have to resist my compulsions as a OCD sufferer because compulsions reinforce them. I don't have reassurance as one of mine so I can take or leave that, but in a HA person reassurance can be more prevalent than in OCD by far from what I've seen since being on this forum. OCD has a wider range of possible compulsions whereas HA seems to revolve around a smaller group.

If I resist my compulsions, the anxiety builds, but it fades after a while. Essentially its also about stopping the reaction and being non judgemental about the obsession so that you learn not to react so negatively or with strong emotional reaction (which the amygdala is looking for) but its not exactly easy to do.

Justanutter

13-07-15, 13:31

As for your family, I think you should really try best not to talk about your condition to your grandchildren if they are little or let them here about it.

Hypo, I do try not to talk in front of my grandchildren. I didn't actually bring my problem up last evening, my son did, but my daughter soon shot him down as she didn't want to discuss it in any event, let alone in front of the children.

I can understand your concern that they shouldn't be a party to such worries but it seems the family don't want to be a party to it all either! Why are all us anxious folk expected to keep it to ourselves or counsellors just because other people feel uncomfortable talking about it because 'mental' illness is scary isn't it and something we are made to feel ashamed of because it makes us depressed and let's face it, nobody wants to be around a depressed person do they? I just know I wouldn't be able to watch one of my own suffer like this and sit back and do nothing. My daughter was only saying the other day that her ex-husband's sister should have been sorted out by the family before her drinking got out of hand and she is now an alcoholic - that seems to be acceptable....maybe I'll start drinking instead....

lyndau63

13-07-15, 18:27

I really feel for you. My husband gets cross too and I think my younger son would struggle to be patient if I talked to him much about it. He just tells me not to be silly. Mo older son is more sympathetic as he has some OCD issues from time to time. I thinkHypo84 is perhaps being a bit harsh. Things are not always as straightforward as that and, if you have tried counselling and CBT, as I have over the years, and find nothing that totally cures it, you feel that you just have to live with it and enjoy the less anxious times. I have been on Citalopram for quite a long time now so will discuss that with my GP when I next see her. Hope I can continue as it is has been my most successful thing so far. Anyway, all the best to you. The thing about this forum is that we are all in the same boat and you must not think that you a re a freak which I did until I read posts on here. :hugs:

countrygirl

13-07-15, 19:38

I have had HA since I was 6 yrs old due to trauma and am now 54 yrs old and have had every single therapy in this time. I have tried drug therapy but got serious side effects and was told to stop so its not an option for me.
While I agree everyone should try whatever is on offer in the hope it will improve their HA there are alot of people for whom it does not work well and they should not be made to feel bad about this.
I realised I would never be "cured" of HA but have become much better at managing it and controlling the urge to panic and go on and on about what is worrying me.
Its great that we can come on here and know that most people understand our worries and panic and that they will try and calm us and offer rational advice.

Justanutter

13-07-15, 19:58

Thanks Countrygirl and Lyndau...maybe we would just be better off accepting things the way they are instead of this constant searching for something to take away the mental pain. I am starting to feel really guilty that I am like this. Making family upset and cross with me isn't what I want but the alternative is to just hide it and internally combust with the stress of it. Trouble is, I am not that good at hiding it when it comes to family and friends always see through the bravado. My Mum has just rung to tell me her best friend has just been found dead and she is distraught...she wasn't even ill supposedly so looks like a heart attack. As she was telling me, my chest started to ache and I immediately turned it to all about me (didn't tell her this obviously) but as I have heart symptoms and bad HA about it lately, I felt a bit panicky thinking what if that was me she was getting the call about and it really upset me to hear her in so much distress. Why can't I just go and get the bloody tests and face whatever it is before it's too late....that's what normal people do...but me, no, fret and worry and panic etc. because of the fear and stupid HA.....

lyndau63

14-07-15, 11:52

I'm glad to have helped if, only a little. My friends and my daughter-in-law are great about it and it is sometimes so hard to hide it from them others. I know it can be learned behaviour...I got it from my dad and may have passed it on to my son but I don't know that he was aware of my problems when he was younger. I only really shared it with him when he showed signs of having his own problems. So maybe it is genetic too. The lack of serotonin can't be our own fault or learned form others. I know just what you mean about feeling symptoms as soon as you hear about others having something dreadful or dying. Anyway, once again good luck with it all and go and have those tests. You may feel a lot better afterwards.:hugs:

Justanutter

14-07-15, 12:32

Thanks Lyndau. I too think I got this from my parents, who were both quite anxious people, my Mum more than my Dad, and growing up I always had some sort of health problem and little panic attacks thinking back. My Mum had really bad anxiety and was agoraphobic, although I didn't know at the time. She had a really bad life with it all but she is fine now! She's 84, takes everything in her stride and doesn't worry about much (apart from me!!). She has emphysema and can't walk far but she gets about and is determined and positive - the TOTAL opposite of me! I live in hope that if she can get over it, so can I. I am convinced that a lot of mine is now post menopausal; that and the fact that I have been taken off my Citalopram because of contra indications with some other meds I take and don't want to go on another anti-depressant and start the cycle of the side affects etc, with being so anxious already and have to hold down a job.

I just hate the fact that I have to hide it all the time. I sit here at work and nobody knows what's going on and how I am struggling but hey ho, we just get on with it don't we?

lindy lou 2

14-07-15, 13:42

How right you are about tv adverts, it doesn't do any of us any good, I even burst into tears when they come on sometimes, wish they would leave it out, I get up & walk out of the room when adverts come on.
I dont suffer with HA, just GAD, but it is due to morbid thoughts.
I know what everybody means about other peoples reactions, I feel very lonely too with this, healthy people just telling you to " pull yourself together " is so upsetting as you say, don't they think we would if we could, none of us want to be like this, I am soo envious of people without this illness, if it was physical they would be so different.
My husband gets so frustrated with me, because he can't "fix me " we sometimes have arguments about it, & he has threatened to leave me for a while as he said I would have to cope on my own.
That really scares me, I then try not to let on how I am feeling, and it builds until I think I will burst !
I have even had a good ? friend tell me to stop laying it on them & my husband. It is such a hard one to deal with. So carry on venting on here, it can be a God send for this all consuming illness.
Take care, Lindy.

Justanutter

14-07-15, 13:58

Lindylou, I too am struggling with the whole old age thing and fear of it etc. My Nan lived a good full life until 98, when she succumbed to awful cancer of the tongue but she was a wonderful lady who was widowed at 51 and never went out with anyone else all the rest of her life but she never, ever got stressed! My wonderful Dad was 81 when he died and my Mum is now 84 and so I hope I am blessed with the age gene but at this rate of stress and anxiety I'm doubtful sometimes unless I can pull myself together at some point and just get on with life. I look at magazine articles full of women enjoying their 50s and 60s and saying how much better life is, as yet, I am the complete opposite - full of morbid thoughts and depressed all the time. I hate it. Hopefully, it might just be a passing phase. It makes me feel so ungrateful as I know there are people suffering with far worse.

If you need to chat, I'm bobbing in and out of here all the time....I understand how you can't bother friends with it. I have some great ones but they all have busy lives and it isn't easy phoning and saying that, look, I've got this anxiety problem AGAIN...and boring them to pieces with it all.

Take care.

lindy lou 2

14-07-15, 14:19

Bless you for that, we all have to try & help each other on here.
I don't know if you read my post where I had to go for a 2nd ECG, the first one was unreadable ! Due to my stress, but the gp gave me just one lorazapam to take an hour before I went, it worked & my second test was perfect ! imagine the relief, & I had never thought I could have a heart problem, it was just that I had to have the ECG before I could be tried on a different med, which hasn't worked by the way, I am so sick of getting on different meds then having to wean off again.
Keep in touch, we will help each other, in secret Lol.

lyndau63

15-07-15, 12:40

I understand everything you are both saying and it is good to keep in touch. I am 63 and I have been retired for a year during which time my cousin has died of cancer, my Dad has had cancer and there have been other serious family illnesses . I just keep thinking that it is going to be me or my husband next. I have always feared retirement for this reason although I do enjoy it most of the time. We are going away with friends for a few days next week and am terrified I will find a lump whilst I am away. Can't enjoy myself to the full....ever! All the best to you both .

lindy lou 2

15-07-15, 13:19

Hi Lyndau, I am really struggling today, my brother has just texted to say his wife had another scan on monday, her brain tumour has grown some more, I don't know if you have read any of my posts about it. I have woken up with my usual high anxiety, I am not so scared about actually dying, it is more about lonliness & fear of losing what small family I have got, I have never been lonely or scared like this before. It is like suddenly realising that we are all mortal & it will happen one day. The person who is dying seems to be unaware of what is happening to them, it is us who are watching who actually suffer more ! My sister in law is mainly asleep all of the time, I hope she is having nice dreams ! But it is making my brother so ill watching it.
I have tried to get on with some decorating, which is taking me ages, I have spilt paint all over the bathroom floor, which sent me into a spin, as everything does, I feel useless ! Just had another diazapam, which I am weaning off slowly, along with mirtazapine & zopiclone. My anxiety is holding me back from everything ! I am so scared of becoming housebound. If only there was a quick cure from this horrible condition ! I will never get a retirement with my husband, he is nearly9 years younger than me, & I don't get my state pension until 66, so lord knows when he will get his, if I am still around, I took early retirement from the civil service, and was ok on my own, when I could get out & about. Well, will try & do some more painting now, wish I had never started it !

Justanutter

15-07-15, 14:06

Ladies, it looks like we're very similar in many ways with our anxieties at the moment. I too wish their was a 'quick' fix for this but they haven't invented one yet worst luck. Somebody said recently "if you want to be normal you need to act normal" so I thought okay, I'll do that and then I get pains somewhere and start to lose it and think heck, I can't do it so give up, which isn't the right thing to do. I've been told by family members:

You bring it on yourself
You don't want to get better
You want some disease
You are looking for attention
You are mental

Well, those sort of comments really help don't they! Yes, I love being like this just so I can be the centre of attention!!!

lindy lou 2

15-07-15, 14:41

Ahh, that is so harsh, mental health problems are just worse than any other type of illness I think. If we do get a physical problem, somehow we deal with it . Yes we are similar in many ways, the trouble is our problems are so self absorbing. Don't know how you 2 feel but, I try not to talk all about me, when my husband comes home, but thoughts keep popping into my head & before I know it, I have spoken them aloud, then I get the eye roll, from my husband & I think " oh no, I did it again ! "
Do you both find that ?

---------- Post added at 14:41 ---------- Previous post was at 14:27 ----------

Just done it again ! My husband rang to tell me what time he will be home, & I found myself talking about what a bad day it is, I heard the exasperation down the phone , Just going now to kick my own butt ! I am sure, if it was the other way round, I would be more sympathetic, but, who knows ?

Justanutter

15-07-15, 15:40

Well I don't even attempt to talk to my OH about stuff - I know the short, sharp response I get so I just don't talk to him at all most days! My youngest son is a big help as he has had a bit of anxiety himself (not passed on by me I hasten to add, but by the pressure his father used to put on him to be the best and constantly ran him down in front of people...). He will listen to me but I try not to lay everything on him as he is living his life, as he should be, but I know how my heart bled for him every day while he was in a state and he used to turn up at my workplace in tears just because he needed to talk to me and I never, ever got cross or frustrated with him because I understood what he was going through. I worry that my OH's job is too stressful for him as I know he hates it but does he worry about how hard I find mine - NO! I managed to reduce my week to 4 days and he went mad! That was just to give me some space and to do housework as I look after my Mum on a Saturday and trying to do everything single handedly on a Sunday was ridiculous, yet I am constantly reminded that I get an 'extra day off' because I don't work Fridays!

lindy lou 2

15-07-15, 17:05

I know there are a lot of men on here as well as us ladies, but, in general when men don't suffer with our anxiety they can be very sharp about it, sorry boys, don't mean you on here.
My husband is the only one working, I retired with ill health, but I get a small pension & PIP, I do pay a lot of the household expenses out of it.
I get told a lot to just get on with something, that is why I have been decorating, but, no way does he understand how hard it is to do anything at the moment. He also doesn't understand why I am so lonely, most of the time.

lyndau63

16-07-15, 11:59

Hi girls. Sorry I have been so long replying. We went to London yesterday to see The Railway Children in Kings Cross but of course I was worrying I might have a panic of some sort while we were there. Thankfully I didn't.
I am so sorry about your sister-in-law, Lindy. As you say, it is agony for your brother to see her like that. I was very upset watching my cousin die because we were like sisters, both being only children, but is was far worse for her husband of course.
I know how hard it is when the OH just doesn't get it at all. I think most men are not good at sharing their problems whereas we talk to each other..by one means or another. I think my husband feels that he loses face if anyone finds out what I am like. I feel I have wasted so much of my life being frightened but part of me is afraid to let go of the fear in case something takes me by surprise. Does that make sense to you? When I was at work it was all absorbing and it did help but I knew I had to retire sometime and was able to take my state pension at 62. I think I would be much worse if I were not so busy with the grandchildren and the elderly parents.
I think it is very harsh of your husband 'Justanutter' to keep on about your day off. It is not a day off really and it sounds as if you have your hands full.
Good luck with the painting Lindy. I would never dare tackle that.:)

lindy lou 2

16-07-15, 21:20

Sorry to be so late getting back to you Lyndau, been having a really bad day, & posting on another thread. Yes it is excruciating for my brother, they have only been married for 4 years, but lived together for 15 before that. He kept asking her to get married, but she refused, she had been married twice before, But I think she eventually realised he was the one who always had, & always would be there for her. So as she was due to have an operation, she said when she got over it they would get married, he rang to tell me in total happiness & disbelief.It was the best day, just them & us as witnesses, she giggled all the way through & he looked soo solemn, he was 57 then and that was his first marriage, & it will be his last, I know my brother, there will never be anyone else for him, he is so loyal. It breaks my heart for him & he sometimes talks of suicide, which scares me.

lyndau63

17-07-15, 16:37

Oh dear I am so sorry for him. I know you will be strong and be there for him but it is very hard when you have HA as you keep imagining it happening to you.
I have just been to the hospital with my Dad for a scan of his bladder to see if the cancer has returned. It hasn't. thank goodness, but as soon as we get over that I am thinking there is something under my arm, for goodness sake.

lindy lou 2

17-07-15, 20:33

Glad your Dad is ok, what do you think is under your arm ? I try not to feel around ,as lymphoma runs in our family on my mum's side, I do little checks now and then, but will not let myself get obsessed about it, also, things ie treatment has move on so much now.
You are right, if my sister in law dies ( just cannot bring myself to think when, where there is life there is hope ) I imagine I will find some strength to be there for him, times like that you somehow put your own problems out of mind. It is her 58th birthday today.