3 hour freakout on train

[lior]

Today I had a difficult day at work. I was working in another city today, so I went up yesterday and had dinner with a colleague. He was nice but it meant we ended up talking about work on a Sunday night. Then when we had breakfast in the morning, we talked about work some more. I was in an honest mood and said what I felt I could improve on and he gave me some feedback that I wasn't expecting, which I listened to.

I was very tired and I wasn't really ready to talk about work but because I had to see him first thing, it ended up happening anyway.

His feedback started out dressed like a compliment but he actually meant that my way of communicating wasn't working. Then I had a whole day of meetings where I felt like people were talking in a different language from me. I come from a very different background from everyone else. They don't try to change the way they speak for me, but I have to change the way I speak for them.

Many times through the day I felt like leaving the room because I just couldn't focus on their convoluted sentence structures. They talk in a politicky way. It's slippery. When I talk I ask the 'obvious' things that they avoid. I seem to create a reaction when I speak even though I don't realise that I will.

I was saturated by the end of the day, and then my colleague and I had to rush off to get different trains. In the train station he pressured me into an opinion on the day and wouldn't share his. I needed time to reflect before speaking but he pressured me. He said something like 'you're good at asking questions, not so good at answering them' - feeding back to me my weakness about communication. I shared some basic observations. We got into a brief confused discussion over his *******isation of the word 'digital' which he is making include the meaning of 'user focused' which doesn't sit right with me, really. I'm just not convinced. He immediately got on a train before I could really get my head round what he was saying.

I got on my train and cried and panicked. I tried to make some notes from the day but I couldn't focus. When I changed trains I felt like drinking a vodka shot to get me away from the anxiety but I bought a beer instead and drank it fast on the next train. I tried to be constructive in my notes but I felt so anxious.

I thought about asking the train staff to help but I didn't know what to ask for exactly and I didn't really think they could help. So I got up from my seat and stood in the bit between carriages and I stood looking out the train door window and sobbed, with my back turned away from anyone that might pass by. The train journeys took 3 hours.

I got to Kings Cross and thought about asking for help there too, but I didn't know how to speak any more.

I made it home eventually and I'm eating dinner but I have all the stress in my throat and I want it gone.

I wanted to leave my job when I was panicking on the train. I'm not happy not being able to communicate or to be understood. I speak a different language and I don't know how to learn their language aside from just picking it up over time. I wish I could have a language lesson for politics. At the same time, I don't want to speak like them at all, because I don't want to be all indirect and slippery like they are.

So maybe to leave is a genuine solution, because then I won't become any more like them. I should be among people that speak my language. I want to do things that I know how to do. I'm so exhausted of doing things I don't know how to do. I want some comforting work. I don't want to be stressed from work all the time. I don't want to be working in this scary space where there are no rules but there are SO MANY RULES about behaving nicely in government that I don't understand so I keep putting my foot in it without even realising.

I don't think I'm well enough for a job like this because I want to leave every time I have a bad day.

[venusbluejeans]

I think you have to have a think about the pros and cons of leaving your job.... write them down in a list so you can visualise them and work it out in your head what you want to do.... we all know that with anxiety our mind gets confused easily, so writing it down may make it clearer for you.

but I think you need pat yourself on the back for coping with today, however hard it must have been and how ever much you cried....you did it and you survived so well done you.

and remember, tomorrow is another day

Emmz x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Is this guy your boss or just a peer? If he is just a peer, who says his feedback is even valid? Such feedback somes from your manager as they have requirements for how you work for them, peers can be knowledgeable or not. Who says his methods of communication are right? For all you know, his manager might be telling him to make changes to how he communicates.

This is what you have to remember. He is in no place to judge. Feedback is one thing but how equipped is he to even give the "right" feedback?

This is the reality of the corporate world I'm afraid, lior. In some circles the way in which you are perceived is important and it can be a pretty stiff & boring world. It can be very political, all about perception management, or just being a "yes" man. This is something that you sometimes have to accept and work around without compromising your own values. Sometimes you can find yourself walking away from bad decisions and letting people just shoot themselves in the foot. Its not nice, but sometimes you have to prioritise your own health over work.

I worked in such areas where perception management were important. They wouldn't admit mistakes to stakeholders that were blatant and clammed up to protect their image. I didn't fit into that because I believed in being straight and moving forward as opposed to protecting the careers of people who were in with the bosses. You can work in that and be yourself but you can end up pigeon-holed because of it.

I think you need to speak to your manager and ignore this guy. His opinion just doesn't count because he's not in a position to really give it.

Don't let this get to you, it just might mean adapting a bit to work in this environment with it being something new to you. Give that time.

Lets face it, they knew about how you communicated when they took you on. If you didn't fit the bill they would have either a) not bothered hiring you, b) placed demands on you changing to fit in with how they operate or c) put you in a role where you don't enter situations where your communication style doesn't work for them.

BUT...they didn't do any of those, did they? Doesn't that mean something?