lior
13-07-15, 21:30
Today I had a difficult day at work. I was working in another city today, so I went up yesterday and had dinner with a colleague. He was nice but it meant we ended up talking about work on a Sunday night. Then when we had breakfast in the morning, we talked about work some more. I was in an honest mood and said what I felt I could improve on and he gave me some feedback that I wasn't expecting, which I listened to.
I was very tired and I wasn't really ready to talk about work but because I had to see him first thing, it ended up happening anyway.
His feedback started out dressed like a compliment but he actually meant that my way of communicating wasn't working. Then I had a whole day of meetings where I felt like people were talking in a different language from me. I come from a very different background from everyone else. They don't try to change the way they speak for me, but I have to change the way I speak for them.
Many times through the day I felt like leaving the room because I just couldn't focus on their convoluted sentence structures. They talk in a politicky way. It's slippery. When I talk I ask the 'obvious' things that they avoid. I seem to create a reaction when I speak even though I don't realise that I will.
I was saturated by the end of the day, and then my colleague and I had to rush off to get different trains. In the train station he pressured me into an opinion on the day and wouldn't share his. I needed time to reflect before speaking but he pressured me. He said something like 'you're good at asking questions, not so good at answering them' - feeding back to me my weakness about communication. I shared some basic observations. We got into a brief confused discussion over his *******isation of the word 'digital' which he is making include the meaning of 'user focused' which doesn't sit right with me, really. I'm just not convinced. He immediately got on a train before I could really get my head round what he was saying.
I got on my train and cried and panicked. I tried to make some notes from the day but I couldn't focus. When I changed trains I felt like drinking a vodka shot to get me away from the anxiety but I bought a beer instead and drank it fast on the next train. I tried to be constructive in my notes but I felt so anxious.
I thought about asking the train staff to help but I didn't know what to ask for exactly and I didn't really think they could help. So I got up from my seat and stood in the bit between carriages and I stood looking out the train door window and sobbed, with my back turned away from anyone that might pass by. The train journeys took 3 hours.
I got to Kings Cross and thought about asking for help there too, but I didn't know how to speak any more.
I made it home eventually and I'm eating dinner but I have all the stress in my throat and I want it gone.
I wanted to leave my job when I was panicking on the train. I'm not happy not being able to communicate or to be understood. I speak a different language and I don't know how to learn their language aside from just picking it up over time. I wish I could have a language lesson for politics. At the same time, I don't want to speak like them at all, because I don't want to be all indirect and slippery like they are.
So maybe to leave is a genuine solution, because then I won't become any more like them. I should be among people that speak my language. I want to do things that I know how to do. I'm so exhausted of doing things I don't know how to do. I want some comforting work. I don't want to be stressed from work all the time. I don't want to be working in this scary space where there are no rules but there are SO MANY RULES about behaving nicely in government that I don't understand so I keep putting my foot in it without even realising.
I don't think I'm well enough for a job like this because I want to leave every time I have a bad day.
I was very tired and I wasn't really ready to talk about work but because I had to see him first thing, it ended up happening anyway.
His feedback started out dressed like a compliment but he actually meant that my way of communicating wasn't working. Then I had a whole day of meetings where I felt like people were talking in a different language from me. I come from a very different background from everyone else. They don't try to change the way they speak for me, but I have to change the way I speak for them.
Many times through the day I felt like leaving the room because I just couldn't focus on their convoluted sentence structures. They talk in a politicky way. It's slippery. When I talk I ask the 'obvious' things that they avoid. I seem to create a reaction when I speak even though I don't realise that I will.
I was saturated by the end of the day, and then my colleague and I had to rush off to get different trains. In the train station he pressured me into an opinion on the day and wouldn't share his. I needed time to reflect before speaking but he pressured me. He said something like 'you're good at asking questions, not so good at answering them' - feeding back to me my weakness about communication. I shared some basic observations. We got into a brief confused discussion over his *******isation of the word 'digital' which he is making include the meaning of 'user focused' which doesn't sit right with me, really. I'm just not convinced. He immediately got on a train before I could really get my head round what he was saying.
I got on my train and cried and panicked. I tried to make some notes from the day but I couldn't focus. When I changed trains I felt like drinking a vodka shot to get me away from the anxiety but I bought a beer instead and drank it fast on the next train. I tried to be constructive in my notes but I felt so anxious.
I thought about asking the train staff to help but I didn't know what to ask for exactly and I didn't really think they could help. So I got up from my seat and stood in the bit between carriages and I stood looking out the train door window and sobbed, with my back turned away from anyone that might pass by. The train journeys took 3 hours.
I got to Kings Cross and thought about asking for help there too, but I didn't know how to speak any more.
I made it home eventually and I'm eating dinner but I have all the stress in my throat and I want it gone.
I wanted to leave my job when I was panicking on the train. I'm not happy not being able to communicate or to be understood. I speak a different language and I don't know how to learn their language aside from just picking it up over time. I wish I could have a language lesson for politics. At the same time, I don't want to speak like them at all, because I don't want to be all indirect and slippery like they are.
So maybe to leave is a genuine solution, because then I won't become any more like them. I should be among people that speak my language. I want to do things that I know how to do. I'm so exhausted of doing things I don't know how to do. I want some comforting work. I don't want to be stressed from work all the time. I don't want to be working in this scary space where there are no rules but there are SO MANY RULES about behaving nicely in government that I don't understand so I keep putting my foot in it without even realising.
I don't think I'm well enough for a job like this because I want to leave every time I have a bad day.