lg123
14-07-15, 22:14
Around three years ago, my body and mind finally gave in to years of negative thinking, worry, and stress, and I had to take two months off work due to horrendous anxiety. Looking back, it was completely necessary and I developed some really positive thinking and lifestyle habits over this time. I was able to reach out to friends and was very lucky to have the support of 99% of them. It was a horrible, dark time and I never, ever want to go back to that place, but I came out of it rejuvenating and with a new spirit (sorry if that is getting cheesy).
So, three years time and all of those positive thinking habits have fallen by the wayside, and - despite the fact that I eat a good diet and do quite a lot of exercise - I feel like I'm sliding back to that place again. This time it's different. I moved to Spain a year ago because I was stuck in a rut and needed a new start. Despite my determination that I was going to have a great time, it's been mostly a massive disappointment, leaving my feeling sadder, more demotivated, and more alone than ever. Last time when I was sliding down into the pit of anxiety I had some amazing friends who I loved to bits who did everything they could to help. And support also came from areas I didn't expect. This time I don't have that support network, which leads my on to one of the biggest reasons I'm sliding down into anxiety again: I can't seem to find friends that I love here, no matter how hard I try.
I feel like there is something wrong with me, as I just can't actually seem to like the people I'm meeting enough to want to spend a lot of time with them and to look forward to doing things with them. The people I work with seem really shallow and bitchy to me. The people I'm friends with outside of work, are a mixed bunch of people, but none of them really give that much of a toss about me. Nor will I ever get the same kind of support from them that I got from my friends before. I just don't feel particularly excited about seeing them. This makes me feel like a horrible, terrible person. What is wrong with me and why can't I make friends and bond with people? I have nobody to talk to here. I know a lot of people casually and I try to make friends with them but nothing ever sticks. I think there must be something wrong with me. But I don't know whether this is my anxiety talking or if there is something wrong with me that is making me like this. I feel guilty because people invite me places and I don't go because I just don't want to spend time with these people and then they get annoyed with me for always saying no or cancelling. But I so strongly don't want to go; I just want to come home and be on my own.
And one of the reasons this lack of support network is such a problem, is that I need to talk to people regularly, have proper conversations, and get these thoughts out of my head. I know if I don't then the anxiety gets really bad.
I just don't want to be here (Spain that is) any more, but I can't leave because I only started a new job two months ago and they did so much to accommodate me. If I could leave this job, the people, and the country behind tomorrow I would without a second thought, but then is this my anxiety (and bad thinking habits) talking again. I just don't know. All I know is that the old symptoms are coming back with a vengeance, the ones I recognise from last time: the overwhelming feeling of dread that is strongest when I wake up, the shortness of breath, the intrusive thoughts, the occasional episode when I have so much energy I don't know what to do with it and it scares the hell out of me.
So I don't know what to do this time because I don't have the people to support me, and I don't even have anyone I want to see, so I don't have anything to look forward to. Sorry, I'll stop this long ramble now...
So, three years time and all of those positive thinking habits have fallen by the wayside, and - despite the fact that I eat a good diet and do quite a lot of exercise - I feel like I'm sliding back to that place again. This time it's different. I moved to Spain a year ago because I was stuck in a rut and needed a new start. Despite my determination that I was going to have a great time, it's been mostly a massive disappointment, leaving my feeling sadder, more demotivated, and more alone than ever. Last time when I was sliding down into the pit of anxiety I had some amazing friends who I loved to bits who did everything they could to help. And support also came from areas I didn't expect. This time I don't have that support network, which leads my on to one of the biggest reasons I'm sliding down into anxiety again: I can't seem to find friends that I love here, no matter how hard I try.
I feel like there is something wrong with me, as I just can't actually seem to like the people I'm meeting enough to want to spend a lot of time with them and to look forward to doing things with them. The people I work with seem really shallow and bitchy to me. The people I'm friends with outside of work, are a mixed bunch of people, but none of them really give that much of a toss about me. Nor will I ever get the same kind of support from them that I got from my friends before. I just don't feel particularly excited about seeing them. This makes me feel like a horrible, terrible person. What is wrong with me and why can't I make friends and bond with people? I have nobody to talk to here. I know a lot of people casually and I try to make friends with them but nothing ever sticks. I think there must be something wrong with me. But I don't know whether this is my anxiety talking or if there is something wrong with me that is making me like this. I feel guilty because people invite me places and I don't go because I just don't want to spend time with these people and then they get annoyed with me for always saying no or cancelling. But I so strongly don't want to go; I just want to come home and be on my own.
And one of the reasons this lack of support network is such a problem, is that I need to talk to people regularly, have proper conversations, and get these thoughts out of my head. I know if I don't then the anxiety gets really bad.
I just don't want to be here (Spain that is) any more, but I can't leave because I only started a new job two months ago and they did so much to accommodate me. If I could leave this job, the people, and the country behind tomorrow I would without a second thought, but then is this my anxiety (and bad thinking habits) talking again. I just don't know. All I know is that the old symptoms are coming back with a vengeance, the ones I recognise from last time: the overwhelming feeling of dread that is strongest when I wake up, the shortness of breath, the intrusive thoughts, the occasional episode when I have so much energy I don't know what to do with it and it scares the hell out of me.
So I don't know what to do this time because I don't have the people to support me, and I don't even have anyone I want to see, so I don't have anything to look forward to. Sorry, I'll stop this long ramble now...