It's back

[lg123]

Around three years ago, my body and mind finally gave in to years of negative thinking, worry, and stress, and I had to take two months off work due to horrendous anxiety. Looking back, it was completely necessary and I developed some really positive thinking and lifestyle habits over this time. I was able to reach out to friends and was very lucky to have the support of 99% of them. It was a horrible, dark time and I never, ever want to go back to that place, but I came out of it rejuvenating and with a new spirit (sorry if that is getting cheesy).

So, three years time and all of those positive thinking habits have fallen by the wayside, and - despite the fact that I eat a good diet and do quite a lot of exercise - I feel like I'm sliding back to that place again. This time it's different. I moved to Spain a year ago because I was stuck in a rut and needed a new start. Despite my determination that I was going to have a great time, it's been mostly a massive disappointment, leaving my feeling sadder, more demotivated, and more alone than ever. Last time when I was sliding down into the pit of anxiety I had some amazing friends who I loved to bits who did everything they could to help. And support also came from areas I didn't expect. This time I don't have that support network, which leads my on to one of the biggest reasons I'm sliding down into anxiety again: I can't seem to find friends that I love here, no matter how hard I try.

I feel like there is something wrong with me, as I just can't actually seem to like the people I'm meeting enough to want to spend a lot of time with them and to look forward to doing things with them. The people I work with seem really shallow and bitchy to me. The people I'm friends with outside of work, are a mixed bunch of people, but none of them really give that much of a toss about me. Nor will I ever get the same kind of support from them that I got from my friends before. I just don't feel particularly excited about seeing them. This makes me feel like a horrible, terrible person. What is wrong with me and why can't I make friends and bond with people? I have nobody to talk to here. I know a lot of people casually and I try to make friends with them but nothing ever sticks. I think there must be something wrong with me. But I don't know whether this is my anxiety talking or if there is something wrong with me that is making me like this. I feel guilty because people invite me places and I don't go because I just don't want to spend time with these people and then they get annoyed with me for always saying no or cancelling. But I so strongly don't want to go; I just want to come home and be on my own.

And one of the reasons this lack of support network is such a problem, is that I need to talk to people regularly, have proper conversations, and get these thoughts out of my head. I know if I don't then the anxiety gets really bad.

I just don't want to be here (Spain that is) any more, but I can't leave because I only started a new job two months ago and they did so much to accommodate me. If I could leave this job, the people, and the country behind tomorrow I would without a second thought, but then is this my anxiety (and bad thinking habits) talking again. I just don't know. All I know is that the old symptoms are coming back with a vengeance, the ones I recognise from last time: the overwhelming feeling of dread that is strongest when I wake up, the shortness of breath, the intrusive thoughts, the occasional episode when I have so much energy I don't know what to do with it and it scares the hell out of me.

So I don't know what to do this time because I don't have the people to support me, and I don't even have anyone I want to see, so I don't have anything to look forward to. Sorry, I'll stop this long ramble now...

[Anna1707]

Hi :)
I'm a mess too these days but I can see something here that I just want to point out.
You have yourself. Don't ever forget that. Somebody told me here : you are alive and you want to feel better. That's only important.

I too can't make friends with just anybody. Most people lately.. I just want to punch them in the face. Not too hard, just a slap :) people irritate me with their lack of empathy, basic human kindness, self centeredness.. most of all, I hate ignorance. Of any kind. So I decided I'm better hanging with my mom and her 100 yo school friend playing canasta, than hanging with a few people who never ask me "how are you today?".

After all these years I figured it's a little bit of a culture thing, also. Different countries, different kind of mentality. Where I'm from, people are just too kind and very understanding. But when I lived in some other cultures, sometimes I found that I haven't been properly or deeply known or understood by most people. Elsewhere, I was loved and understood as a friend. So It's all just a gamble.

What you have is - you. Make your life better, by not exhausting yourself with making constant parallels - my friends there, the guys here etc. A friend will show up, but it takes time. You have to invite people "in". Somebody will recognize it, when you open your window :)

Until then you have to be your own support. Friends are important part of our lives but we are the most important thing we have. Think about that when the shortness of breath comes. Let it go away by saying "ok, do your thing now, when you go away, I'll go for a walk. I'm patient, and I know the drill". And tomorrow maybe it wont be this hard. Please have faith. Maybe it's this hard because it's so important for you to go trough it. This might be one of those big changes in one's life. So you must find a way to accept you new life. Maybe good things coming your way.

Sorry for my english, and I 'm also sleepy. And I often sound like a broken record to myself. Or a crazy old woman. Someone more experienced or someone who can actually say something valuable to you will probably do so after me. I just acted like a band-aid here, if you needed anyone to talk to, fast.

[lg123]

Hi Anna,
Thank you so much for your reply, it was actually exactly what I needed. I'm hard on myself, thinking I should be friends with everyone and hanging out with my colleagues, for example, even though a lot of them are negative and bitchy.

I get so disappointed in the people I do know here as even the ones that say they care, never want to do anything with me. I need to be better at being my own support. Although I do think part of my problem is that I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life. I feel so let down by people and so alone.

Sorry, I'm just rambling again now because I'm having a particularly bad day. Some people seem to sail through life so easily, and for me it's such a struggle - and it has been on and off for the last few years. I've recently changed jobs because I hated my old one and thought it would be better, but I hate this one and the people who I work with even more. I've been having a relationship with a guy who says he loves me so much but lies to me and actually makes things worse with my anxiety. I don't look forward to doing anything anymore...