Virtuoso
15-07-15, 13:46
Hi, all. I am new here but have been reading for a while on some of your threads and posts.
I would like to share my story with you all in order to help those who need it and feel hopeless. This is a reassuring story, not a negative one with questions and such, but a story with answers and a bit of guidance to help you, the panic/anxiety sufferers.
So, let's begin. I have had depression for a while and it all started when I was in school. It gradually begin to get worse and I was drinking heavily almost every day in order to cope. Personal things happened in my life and I ended up being suicidal, even more so when I was going through a break-up in the midst of all my other personal problems going on. I ended up trying to overdose myself by taking painkillers such as ibuprofen and drinking heavily afterwards. Oddly enough, nothing happened to me and I would wake up the next morning shaking, vomiting and feeling like crap. I was gutted that I was alive to say the least. I still managed to work, and pretend to be normal in front of family and friends. However, my depression was getting worse.
Everyone who knows me knows I do not go to the Doctors for anything and I did not believe in medication for helping people. To say the least, I was negative about it all and almost everything in my life and I thought medication would just make me go insane and I wouldn't be able to function properly. I also did not even want the help. It wasn't until I met the most amazing woman I have ever came across, she is the most precious, admirable person in my life. We started dating and for a year it made me feel amazing, and I stopped being suicidal and depressed. And then....it flooded back in like never before. I started feeling unworthy of her love and I was suicidal again. I tried to take my life, and she was in absolute bits throughout all of this. It was emotional and a roller-coaster for her, of course. Then, something happened to her that made us fall apart. She was no longer my "rock" because she needed one herself after what she went through. So, I decided enough was enough and I could SEE how much I was putting her and my family in so much torture and making them suffer because of my actions. I decided to give medication a try;
I quit drinking and I was first prescribed Citalopram which I did not take well and my GP switched it to Mirtazapine 15MG because I was not sleeping well or eating. Mirtazapine worked right away for my sleep, my appetite came back around a week and then my mood slowly lifted after three-four weeks. I was on cloud nine with this medication and it helped me so much. However, I did not take it every night like I was suppose to. I would only take it when I felt I needed it for my sleep, but then one day I decided to just quit taking it completely and about three days later I suffered from my very first panic attack. It was the most scariest thing I have been through, I did not know what it was and never had them in my life. I was on a bus, in the middle of a bunch of strangers sitting ahead of me in their seats and I freaked the f*ck out. I started asking myself what is going on, am I fainting? And then the panic built and built and I lost my sh*t. I got up off my seat and ran to the door on the bus and begged the driver to let me off the bus, WHILE WE WERE ON THE MOTORWAY. Seriously, people thought I was crazy. That bus ride until the next stop felt like forever and I was waiting until I would collapse and die. However, that did not happen.
As soon as I got off the bus, I decided to either get a cab and go home or go to the hospital. I got a cab and went home. It was over, it went away as soon as I got home. I put it down to an energy drink I had earlier that day and never thought of it again. But, the next day I had yet another one and it came with chest pains, sweaty hands and shaking. I immediately went to the hospital where the Doctor told me straight out, "it is a panic attack" and I was like, how!?!? I have never had these before in my life and how can it feel like that???? Ha, all this time I thought people with panic attacks were exaggerating and drama queens. I told him about the medication I had stopped taking and he said I need to go back on it and I did. I felt fine while restarting it but I still experienced panic attacks off and on, it got worse when I would go into shops so I stopped going to shops and online shopped instead, I had another panic attack when I was at my cousins house and decided not to go ANYWHERE and stay in the place I most felt safe (my house). BIG MISTAKE! I isolated myself but still managed to be there for my girlfriend but I would NEVER go anywhere unless I had to. I began to become very pale and dark around the eyes because I was hardly ever outside.
I ended up going back to my GP who prescribed me propranolol and took me off Mirtazapine. I tried the prop and it made my anxiety worse, constantly felt on edge. So I went back to Mirt and then because I was still experiencing panic attacks she decided to take me off it again and try Sertraline. She did tell me to go to therapy (a bunch of times) and I ignored it. I had been taking Mirt for about 2 years off and on now and when I started Sertraline I would halve it at the beginning because I read about the bad side effects and thought I would let my body get used to it before taking the full dose 50MG. Day one, I felt fine. Day two, felt great. Day three, WOW!!! Dialed 999 and had an ambulance come out. They checked my pulse, heart rate, blood pressure etc. They talked to me for a bit and said that I am fine but they will take me to the hospital to talk with a Doctor. So, I go and wait 6 hours before a Doctor comes over and says to me I shouldn't be here and that I should carry on taking Sertraline.
I assumed the Sertraline was the cause for the way I felt that day. I had sky high anxiety, shaking, dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting, derealization and full blown panic attacks. I went home with NOTHING except the Sertraline and immediately threw it in the trash can and decided NOT to take ANY medications ever again. The next two weeks of my life were absolute hell. I went to the hospital twice that week and they said I was fine. One Doctor said I should not take any medication and then I called another GP who prescribed me buspirone for short term (she thought it would calm me down) which it did not. I went to another GP who tested me for everything and took my blood. Found out I had a urine infection, needed an antibiotic and he said the same not to take anything. I took my antibiotic as prescribed and did not take anything else. That made the vomiting worse and nausea. I finished the course and called for my blood results and the nurse said everything was fine but white blood cells were "a wee bit high" - and nothing else was said. I assumed my white blood cells were a little high due to urine infection but of course, anxiety convinces you you have cancer.
After googling, I convinced myself I had a brain tumor, leukemia, heart disease, and so much more. At one point I had a lump behind my ear which made me think I had hodgkins. I went to my GP for that and she told me to stop poking it and it will go down, it was just a lymph node. It went down after two weeks and I could not cope. I was NEVER a worrier or panic person. So, I decided to restart Mirtazapine. Been back on Mirtazapine for four weeks now and it has been up/down. My GP informed me I need to stick with ONE and not stop and restart all the time because it will mess up my body, and it needs time to get used to it. I also went to therapy and have only had two sessions so far and it seems I am making progress. Trust me on this, IF you DO the work the therapist asks you to do, you WILL make progress. It does not work overnight, it takes time. I was also prescribed Diazepam from my GP ONLY for emergencies because I had a panic attack (or it was one overlapping) which lasted three hours.
So this is where I am so far. And here is what I have to tell you fellow anxiety/panic and depression sufferers. You NEED to do things to allow your body to heal, such as therapy and medication, healthy diet and exercise. It's there to help you, not make you worse. If you get bad side effects from the medication, IT WON'T KILL YOU. It is simply just trial/error. I have not finished my panic journey, nor am I panic free but I intend to be because I was once panic free before all of this. Panic and anxiety is the most curable mental illness ever, because anxiety is in EVERYONE and the only difference is that ours is out of control and we need to get it under control and back to a normal state again. Also, I recommend you read self help books, even if you are not a reader, buy one and read it. I am currently reading a book called How to master anxiety by Joe Griffin, it tells you what anxiety is, what it does, how it will not harm you and how you can overcome it. It will give you techniques to try at home so you can relax and get your life back.
To add; whilst being in therapy I was taught something very important. People who suffer from anxiety tend to be self critical and think very negatively. We need to change our thinking process. If you think you have a brain tumor because of your anxiety or any other illness which you think is serious, think of the EVIDENCE for it. How long have you had anxiety? If you've had it for a while, then by now, a brain tumor would have caused worse symptoms rather than the same, such as seizures, loss of balance, constant headaches (and when I mean constant, I mean ones that last days/weeks, not off and on through the day or weeks). Please help yourselves and fight to get yourself better. I have been through all of this in the space of three years and I am still alive and have good days and bad.
And the last thing; if you get medication and read the leaflet for the side effects, your brain is going to focus on the very RARE bad ones instead of the common. However, I have been informed by both nurses and Doctors that, for instance, let's say a new drug comes out and a million people get it and only ONE person suffers from a bad side effect, lets say seizures. It is their legal right to absolutely 100% put that side effect ON the leaflet even if it is ONE person who only gets it, otherwise they will be sued.
My advice;
Take your medication (if you need it) and if it comes with uncomfortable side effects which are common, ride it out because your body will get used to it.
Go to therapy, they will not force you to talk about things you don't want to, but it is there to help you relax and get your life back.
Eat HEALTHY. You would be surprised how much food can effect your life and your health.
Drink WATER; this is coming from a man who used to drink lots of fizzy drinks. If you find it difficult not drinking them, then cut it down and drink one with no caffeine in it such as sprite.
EXERCISE; it is healthy, it releases healthy hormones which causes our body and mind to feel happy, it let's out stress, anger and any negative emotions you may feel.
And SLEEP! If you have difficulty sleeping, download the rain app on you phone, plug in some earphones and put it on low volume and I promise you will be asleep in no time.
Thank you for reading.
I would like to share my story with you all in order to help those who need it and feel hopeless. This is a reassuring story, not a negative one with questions and such, but a story with answers and a bit of guidance to help you, the panic/anxiety sufferers.
So, let's begin. I have had depression for a while and it all started when I was in school. It gradually begin to get worse and I was drinking heavily almost every day in order to cope. Personal things happened in my life and I ended up being suicidal, even more so when I was going through a break-up in the midst of all my other personal problems going on. I ended up trying to overdose myself by taking painkillers such as ibuprofen and drinking heavily afterwards. Oddly enough, nothing happened to me and I would wake up the next morning shaking, vomiting and feeling like crap. I was gutted that I was alive to say the least. I still managed to work, and pretend to be normal in front of family and friends. However, my depression was getting worse.
Everyone who knows me knows I do not go to the Doctors for anything and I did not believe in medication for helping people. To say the least, I was negative about it all and almost everything in my life and I thought medication would just make me go insane and I wouldn't be able to function properly. I also did not even want the help. It wasn't until I met the most amazing woman I have ever came across, she is the most precious, admirable person in my life. We started dating and for a year it made me feel amazing, and I stopped being suicidal and depressed. And then....it flooded back in like never before. I started feeling unworthy of her love and I was suicidal again. I tried to take my life, and she was in absolute bits throughout all of this. It was emotional and a roller-coaster for her, of course. Then, something happened to her that made us fall apart. She was no longer my "rock" because she needed one herself after what she went through. So, I decided enough was enough and I could SEE how much I was putting her and my family in so much torture and making them suffer because of my actions. I decided to give medication a try;
I quit drinking and I was first prescribed Citalopram which I did not take well and my GP switched it to Mirtazapine 15MG because I was not sleeping well or eating. Mirtazapine worked right away for my sleep, my appetite came back around a week and then my mood slowly lifted after three-four weeks. I was on cloud nine with this medication and it helped me so much. However, I did not take it every night like I was suppose to. I would only take it when I felt I needed it for my sleep, but then one day I decided to just quit taking it completely and about three days later I suffered from my very first panic attack. It was the most scariest thing I have been through, I did not know what it was and never had them in my life. I was on a bus, in the middle of a bunch of strangers sitting ahead of me in their seats and I freaked the f*ck out. I started asking myself what is going on, am I fainting? And then the panic built and built and I lost my sh*t. I got up off my seat and ran to the door on the bus and begged the driver to let me off the bus, WHILE WE WERE ON THE MOTORWAY. Seriously, people thought I was crazy. That bus ride until the next stop felt like forever and I was waiting until I would collapse and die. However, that did not happen.
As soon as I got off the bus, I decided to either get a cab and go home or go to the hospital. I got a cab and went home. It was over, it went away as soon as I got home. I put it down to an energy drink I had earlier that day and never thought of it again. But, the next day I had yet another one and it came with chest pains, sweaty hands and shaking. I immediately went to the hospital where the Doctor told me straight out, "it is a panic attack" and I was like, how!?!? I have never had these before in my life and how can it feel like that???? Ha, all this time I thought people with panic attacks were exaggerating and drama queens. I told him about the medication I had stopped taking and he said I need to go back on it and I did. I felt fine while restarting it but I still experienced panic attacks off and on, it got worse when I would go into shops so I stopped going to shops and online shopped instead, I had another panic attack when I was at my cousins house and decided not to go ANYWHERE and stay in the place I most felt safe (my house). BIG MISTAKE! I isolated myself but still managed to be there for my girlfriend but I would NEVER go anywhere unless I had to. I began to become very pale and dark around the eyes because I was hardly ever outside.
I ended up going back to my GP who prescribed me propranolol and took me off Mirtazapine. I tried the prop and it made my anxiety worse, constantly felt on edge. So I went back to Mirt and then because I was still experiencing panic attacks she decided to take me off it again and try Sertraline. She did tell me to go to therapy (a bunch of times) and I ignored it. I had been taking Mirt for about 2 years off and on now and when I started Sertraline I would halve it at the beginning because I read about the bad side effects and thought I would let my body get used to it before taking the full dose 50MG. Day one, I felt fine. Day two, felt great. Day three, WOW!!! Dialed 999 and had an ambulance come out. They checked my pulse, heart rate, blood pressure etc. They talked to me for a bit and said that I am fine but they will take me to the hospital to talk with a Doctor. So, I go and wait 6 hours before a Doctor comes over and says to me I shouldn't be here and that I should carry on taking Sertraline.
I assumed the Sertraline was the cause for the way I felt that day. I had sky high anxiety, shaking, dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting, derealization and full blown panic attacks. I went home with NOTHING except the Sertraline and immediately threw it in the trash can and decided NOT to take ANY medications ever again. The next two weeks of my life were absolute hell. I went to the hospital twice that week and they said I was fine. One Doctor said I should not take any medication and then I called another GP who prescribed me buspirone for short term (she thought it would calm me down) which it did not. I went to another GP who tested me for everything and took my blood. Found out I had a urine infection, needed an antibiotic and he said the same not to take anything. I took my antibiotic as prescribed and did not take anything else. That made the vomiting worse and nausea. I finished the course and called for my blood results and the nurse said everything was fine but white blood cells were "a wee bit high" - and nothing else was said. I assumed my white blood cells were a little high due to urine infection but of course, anxiety convinces you you have cancer.
After googling, I convinced myself I had a brain tumor, leukemia, heart disease, and so much more. At one point I had a lump behind my ear which made me think I had hodgkins. I went to my GP for that and she told me to stop poking it and it will go down, it was just a lymph node. It went down after two weeks and I could not cope. I was NEVER a worrier or panic person. So, I decided to restart Mirtazapine. Been back on Mirtazapine for four weeks now and it has been up/down. My GP informed me I need to stick with ONE and not stop and restart all the time because it will mess up my body, and it needs time to get used to it. I also went to therapy and have only had two sessions so far and it seems I am making progress. Trust me on this, IF you DO the work the therapist asks you to do, you WILL make progress. It does not work overnight, it takes time. I was also prescribed Diazepam from my GP ONLY for emergencies because I had a panic attack (or it was one overlapping) which lasted three hours.
So this is where I am so far. And here is what I have to tell you fellow anxiety/panic and depression sufferers. You NEED to do things to allow your body to heal, such as therapy and medication, healthy diet and exercise. It's there to help you, not make you worse. If you get bad side effects from the medication, IT WON'T KILL YOU. It is simply just trial/error. I have not finished my panic journey, nor am I panic free but I intend to be because I was once panic free before all of this. Panic and anxiety is the most curable mental illness ever, because anxiety is in EVERYONE and the only difference is that ours is out of control and we need to get it under control and back to a normal state again. Also, I recommend you read self help books, even if you are not a reader, buy one and read it. I am currently reading a book called How to master anxiety by Joe Griffin, it tells you what anxiety is, what it does, how it will not harm you and how you can overcome it. It will give you techniques to try at home so you can relax and get your life back.
To add; whilst being in therapy I was taught something very important. People who suffer from anxiety tend to be self critical and think very negatively. We need to change our thinking process. If you think you have a brain tumor because of your anxiety or any other illness which you think is serious, think of the EVIDENCE for it. How long have you had anxiety? If you've had it for a while, then by now, a brain tumor would have caused worse symptoms rather than the same, such as seizures, loss of balance, constant headaches (and when I mean constant, I mean ones that last days/weeks, not off and on through the day or weeks). Please help yourselves and fight to get yourself better. I have been through all of this in the space of three years and I am still alive and have good days and bad.
And the last thing; if you get medication and read the leaflet for the side effects, your brain is going to focus on the very RARE bad ones instead of the common. However, I have been informed by both nurses and Doctors that, for instance, let's say a new drug comes out and a million people get it and only ONE person suffers from a bad side effect, lets say seizures. It is their legal right to absolutely 100% put that side effect ON the leaflet even if it is ONE person who only gets it, otherwise they will be sued.
My advice;
Take your medication (if you need it) and if it comes with uncomfortable side effects which are common, ride it out because your body will get used to it.
Go to therapy, they will not force you to talk about things you don't want to, but it is there to help you relax and get your life back.
Eat HEALTHY. You would be surprised how much food can effect your life and your health.
Drink WATER; this is coming from a man who used to drink lots of fizzy drinks. If you find it difficult not drinking them, then cut it down and drink one with no caffeine in it such as sprite.
EXERCISE; it is healthy, it releases healthy hormones which causes our body and mind to feel happy, it let's out stress, anger and any negative emotions you may feel.
And SLEEP! If you have difficulty sleeping, download the rain app on you phone, plug in some earphones and put it on low volume and I promise you will be asleep in no time.
Thank you for reading.